Changing Sponsors....

[scorpiogirl]

Okay guys, I need some feedback. Not sure if I'm over-reacting or really have a valid thing going on inside my head.

I moved to another state a few years back. I kept my old sponsor til I found a new one. I was big on getting someone with either more time than me (that's the way it was done from where I'm from even though the people here seem to think it doesn't matter if your sponsor has more or less time than you). Anyway, I finally got someone that I admired, she had all the qualities I was looking for in a Sponsor and more time than me.

Well, shortly after I got her, she started having problems at home with her teenage daughter being pregnant and just having the baby. It's been hectic at her house for several months now. Here is my dilemma. I might be sounding kinda babyish yet, I'm still struggling (somewhat) with the differences between AA here and where I got sober at. I spoke as a main speaker a few weeks ago and from where I come from (I know, I know, i'm comparing)....your sponsor, sponsees, friends whatever, come and hear you speak and give support. Well, that didn't happen. No one that I know well came. No one. Okay, moving forward. Now, I'm the chairperson of this meeting and I need to get speakers. So, I asked my sponsor on her voicemail to speak....Twice I called. No call backs. Finally, she calls me back. I ask her again and she says, "oh, I was kinda hoping that if i didn't call you right back, it would just go away" (the speaking thing). I was taken aback cause this is a woman with 25 years.

I'm having a hard time connecting with her lately voice-to-voice and it seems I'm helping her on the phone rather than the other way around. I told her a while back that I might look around for someone else cause she's hard to get ahold of. She said things are settling down at her house and she should be more available. Well, it hasn't changed any. I'm thinking of asking this other woman.

Any thoughts?

[TTOSBT]

Hey Scorpio,
I have only been around this time for 4 months BUT (this is not my first go around) where I am from the sponsor's main job is to guide you through the steps and provide with help and direction. For me, that definitely takes a lot more time than me. lol
But also I would not choose a sponsor that has not worked the steps at least once and preferably several times. And she has to have quality emotional sobriety for me to want what she has.

Okay that being said, I would find another sponsor if I were you. This is only my opinion but if my sponsor avoided a request in hopes that it would go away, I would be just as flipped as if she had taken a drink. Really, not what I want to be.


Also, yes, here, there are always many people at the speakers meeting to support the speaker. That is part of this deal, is my understanding. I am sorry that no one was there for you.

[daydream]

Hi scorpiogirl,
I commend you for reaching out here for other viewpoints and suggestions. It's easy for us to end up way off point when we rely only on ourselves.

I read your post twice. I think there's real merit to some of your complaints, but maybe not all of them. Here's my thinking on it, I hope it helps you in some way:

I suggest you clear away the "no big deal" issues and only look at the issues that would seriously impact your recovery. For instance, she didn't come hear you speak. What's that they say about expectations? Did you even ask her to come? Regardless, that shouldn't be a deal breaker, so let's just set that to the side.

You asked her to speak and her response was ""oh, I was kinda hoping that if i didn't call you right back, it would just go away".
My first reaction when I read that was to laugh. It sounds just like something my sponsor, and most people I know, could have said IN JEST. Unless she told you that she does not speak and will not speak at meetings, then I'm thinking you misinterpretted her words. Is it possible that you were already having negative feelings toward her, so you were looking for something negative? Her statement that shocked you, probably meant nothing. So let's set that aside too.

What's left? Well, you said things have been pretty hectic at her house. A baby can certainly make things hectic. Heck, life just cycles through periods like that. We all go through difficult times too. You also said she's been hard to get ahold of. I've had similar issues with my current sponsor. For about a month I could hardly get ahold of her and when I did the conversation was very brief and felt superficial. She rarely returned my calls. It seemed to me that she didn't want to talk to me. It affected my self-esteem and my overall mood on a daily basis. Fortunately recovery has taught me how to inventory this sort of situation. I had to ask myself, was I expecting too much of her? No, I wasn't. I wasn't expecting her to turn on a dime, drop what she was doing, and call me back immediately. When I left messages that I really needed to talk to her and she consistently was not returning my calls for days on end, that was NOT okay. So ask yourself those questions. Are you leaving her messages specifically asking her to call you back or are you not leaving messages at all, or are you saying "oh I'm just calling to check in" ? Are you getting pissed when she hasn't called you back within 24 hours? Remember sponsors have lives too and can't always get back with us right away. Have you been calling other people and reaching out to them? It's not fair to make your sponsor the only person you can talk to.

Ultimately I had to honestly answer those questions for myself AND look at some other truths: My sponsor does have very good recovery. She knows the program inside out, she's a step worker, she follows traditions and she shows me how she does it. I relate to her well and she has been the best sponsor I ever had. So when I went through that rough patch with her, instead of just getting mad and cutting her out of my life, I had to ask myself "is the grass going to be greener on the other side?" I couldn't think of anyone else who would be half the sponsor she is and I didn't want to lose her. I decided I must talk with her about the issue, then practice acceptance, and look to other women in recovery when my sponsor isn't available. Working to maintain that relationship was well worth it. My sponsor got through her rough patch and things are as good as ever between us now.
You, however, may decide that the relationship is too damaged or that someone else WILL make a better sponsor. Oh, one more thing, be sure and consult with your higher power on this too :-)
Hugs

[AW2486]

I try not to put expectations on anybody or anything. It always seems to lead to disappointment or resentment... and that's easier said than done. Nobody is perfect. Not even sponsors. As Jim would say, maybe a good idea to write inventory on it.

I moved once in my sobriety .. 200 miles .. As the program and meetings are the same.. the way people and groups do them is different. Usually every group has a few more "active" members.. Clancy calls them pockets of enthusiasm. Sounds like you would fall into that category. If you change sponsors. Maybe find somebody that is or more active than you.

Good Luck

[navysteve]

Hey Scorpiogirl,
I can relate totally! Being in the MIlitary I have moved a few times since getting sober. And I have been in the same situation that you are in now ( in fact I am there myself) I just moved from a place where I enjoyed quite the recovery social life ( sponsored alot of guys, went toalot of events etc...) Now I am kinda the odd man out. I personally do not equate time in AA with sponsorship. I have had guys sponsor me with less time than me. I want their program not their years. It sounds like you need a new sponsor ( I think you know that!).
Now on the subject of meetings,

We have to adjust when we move. AA will not adjust to us. The meetings are not the program. It is important to remember that. If I get annoyed at the meeting ( and this is not always my sick thinking, sometimes the meeting is screwy) I have to remember why I am there( To help the still suffering) One of the things I did here in my new area was start a Big Book study group in my home. It gave me the chance to get to know some people on a more personal basis. One of them actually still calls me ( one out of ten!) The first time I moved in AA was the hardest. Where I got sober, when you spoke at a meeting all your friends came and they all shared when you were done speaking, when you had an AA birthday, you got cake and cards, you got to speak and everyone told you how great you were. When I moved they didn't do that and I was pissed! Now, I don't go to meetings like that because my perception has changed. I am not saying those meetings are bad, they are just not for me. Moving away from where I got sober opened my eyes up to different interpretations about the program. So in the log run it turned out to be a good thing. I can tell you that moving to a new area and pining about the way it was where you got sober never worked for me ( not saying you are doing that, I think you brought up some valid concerns). About your sponsor:

she had all the qualities I was looking for in a Sponsor

May I ask what those qualities were?
When we move to a new area sometimes it is hard, I have gone to new meetings and heard people speak (they sounded great!) So I asked them to be my sponsor oly to find out that the program they work was not the one my Big Book tells me to work. What made this woman seem like a good sponsor?

Twice I called. No call backs. Finally, she calls me back. I ask her again and she says, "oh, I was kinda hoping that if i didn't call you right back, it would just go away" (the speaking thing). I was taken aback cause this is a woman with 25 years.

Doesn't sound like good AA to me. Time means very little. I know in some areas people venerat those with time and many seem to eat it up. I have time and can tell you that unless I am practicing those 12 steps every day all day, my time means nothing.

One last suggestion, find new people and work with them and you will be fine. Study the Big Book with newcomers, show them THE PROGRAM.
If you would like to speak offline about the issues of being in a new area please IM me

[ananda]

Hi...I read your post and was struck by how much I related to it and I related to it as being all a part of moving.

The AA meetings where I live now are nothing like the ones I got sober in. I never made the adjustment really, and ended up drunk for 8 years. Now sober and going to those same meetings. The funny thing is when I go back to my old AA group they are notthe same as the meetings when I got sober either....so alot of things change over time as well as location.

I have a sponsor who works a completley different "style" of aa (for lack of a better word) than I do. It works cause we have been very honest, open minded and willing to work together through the steps and share about practicing these principles in all our affairs even if we do it differently...

She comes from a directive sponsorship grandsponsor, great grandsponsor etc. type background...not my thing at all....not how aa was where/when i got sober....but she knows that and I know her deal and it really does just work.

She is 30 I am almost 50. She has little kids, I have a 29 year old son..the differences are huge...but she works the 12 steps in a meaningful way in her life as do I. At times she is really just not available either physically or mentally or emotionally...that is why I have so many other alchoholics in my life. Sponsorship is only one of a huge number of tools available to me in sobriety in AA.

I guess for me finding a way to accept AA meetings as they are in the area that I live is key. When I began to accept that they do things the way they do, and listen to the heart not the words, I began to see that they also accept me despite what they refer to as my "unusual program" LOL

[bballdad]

I like the oldtimers kind of sponsorship,those who have been sober 30 or 40 or more years......I`m not interested in any of these young squirts running around meetings these days...around here,sometimes others go with you to talk,and sometimes they won`t....no big deal...I was told not to make a federal case out of it

it is the misunderstandings,and bumps in the relationship road that brings good relationships...we want everything to be so perfect sometimes,and that way,we don`t have to work at it..working at relationships is good for us..you do know the way to her house,right?
I say keep her and just let her know when she is going to speak

[navysteve]

I like the oldtimers kind of sponsorship,those who have been sober 30 or 40 or more years

My sponsor has 51 years in the program and he always says "thank God AA has changed" He is not what most people call the "old school" type. He doesn't tell people to sit down and shut up. In fact, according to him, that is not old school AA ( not suggesting that is what you were inferring, but when folks talk about oldtimers, that seems to be the theme.)

[lizw]

I won't comment on the meetings as I've never really moved where it was 'different', that is a 'yet' for me. Ha,ha.

I will comment on the sponsorship thing as it feels like 'sponsors galore' at the moment. Seems to be lots of talk about sponsors on here.

I've had the same sponsor (not in AA but Al Anon) for 5 years now. My last AA sponsor had a partner in recovery who used to abuse her whenever I called. I'd be able to hear her while I waited for my sponsor to pick up the phone. I didn't want this so I stopped calling her. She asked me once why I stopped calling and I didn't have the nerve to tell her why.

But since I have started going to SLAA, I had to get a sponsor there to help me work the steps as my 5 year sponsor just doesn't relate. And in the last few months it has become obvious to me, again that I don't want what she has. I want more! I don't want to still be struggling with the same stuff in 4 years time. But this time I am going to do it properly and tell her and thank her, as she has helped me tremendously. If I asked her if she wanted to resign or I pointed out what had been happening, she'd probably tell me it will pass what she's going through and that it's different this time etc...but that's denial eh? Unable to see the seriousness of the situation, or that we've been there before.

I say it heaps on here, but I think the sign of a good sponsor is one we become friends with. Not straight away but overtime we establish a relationship with them which is a partnership.

I also have to say, despite the fact I am friends with my sponsor, if she told me to jump, I'd ask how high? Ha,ha. I respect her hugely!!! I want what she has - serenity and faith no matter what her outside/physical circumstances maybe.....

I don't/haven't really found it an issue being sponsored by a non alkie but my sponsor doesn't drink anyway. Has been sober longer than me too. Ha,ha.
She has at times said a few odd things to me about me and alcohol, but I think it's she doesn't really understand that drinking stuff which is fine becasue she sure understands the sober crazy living stuff....

[Paulie]

I say it heaps on here, but I think the sign of a good sponsor is one we become friends with. Not straight away but overtime we establish a relationship with them which is a partnership.

I also have to say, despite the fact I am friends with my sponsor, if she told me to jump, I'd ask how high? Ha,ha. I respect her hugely!!! I want what she has - serenity and faith no matter what her outside/physical circumstances maybe.....

[scorpiogirl]

Thank you all....thank you everyone! You really helped me out.

To NavySteve: you asked what her qualities were that I was referring to. I'm glad you asked so I could put the pen to paper and see for myself in black & white. I want to write it down here to cement it in for me some more.
- her ability to let go
- she always encourages me to look at my part
- if there is a problem going on within my ears (so-to-speak)...and I call to vent, she asks "is there anything you can do about it today or anything you're supposed to be doing about it". That kind of brings me back into the now.
- her ability to "sit in quiet even if chaos is going on around her and not try to fix or change anything". She learns from everything.

Those are good qualities to me! Of course she works the steps and has a sponsor - that's a given yet, these qualities i wrote are meaningful to me and meaningful to long term sobriety and peace. I've seen too many people try and fix others and/or run from discomfort. She doesn't do either.

To Bballdad - wow! You asked "you do know the way to her house, don't you"? You know, I don't even know her address; just the city she lives in! Probably because we don't get together to work steps. We just talk on the phone and see each other at meetings. That gave me food for thought.

I have another question I want to put out there. I hate to admit this yet, I hear alot that if we can't get ahold of our sponsors, to call someone else for input, feedback or suggestions. Then, why the purpose of ONE sponsor if we're getting ideas from others?

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by scorpiogirl

[color="DarkOrchid"]

I have another question I want to put out there. I hate to admit this yet, I hear alot that if we can't get ahold of our sponsors, to call someone else for input, feedback or suggestions. Then, why the purpose of ONE sponsor if we're getting ideas from others?

If you can't get ahold of your sponsor (and get the urge to drink) don't wait.
Call someone else before it's too late. Sponsors are only human and when it comes to "HELP" don't put all your eggs in one basket (so to speak).

[scorpiogirl]

Originally Posted by Boleo

If you can't get ahold of your sponsor (and get the urge to drink) don't wait.

Thankyou. I know to call anyone and everyone if I have an urge to drink....I just meant about personal stuff that I share with her. I really don't want to tell all to everyone. I know people that go around and get opinions and advice all over the place. They pride themselves of this "being in the program". Then, I feel like an outsider even though I have some time. I like to keep my personal stuff in my head just to my sponsor yet, what do I do if she doesn't call back or is unavailable?

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by scorpiogirl

I like to keep my personal stuff in my head just to my sponsor yet, what do I do if she doesn't call back or is unavailable?

It depends on how critical it is. If it something you think might drive you to drink, call someone else.

Otherwise, it is best to keep 4th step & 5 step type stuff confidential with your sponsor only. Else it might get leaked all over the place and might even become the CAUSE of an urge drink.

[ananda]

Sponsorship is one of the tools, but I have found that when I don't reach out to others i end up in trouble. In fact my sponsor encourages me to talk to others who have ESH in a particular area i have trouble with.

So I dont share all my stuff with everyone all the time, I do have to share 4/5th step type stuff with others who have been there and get their ESH as well as my sponsors. It isn't shopping around for the answer i want, it's looking at the full range of possiblilities and not limiting myself or others.

[bballdad]

I ahve a friend who either calls me daily or I call him and we share whats really going on in our lives.
I don`t sponsor him or he I,but we sure use each other.

[scorpiogirl]

You guys were great in your posts back - thank you!

I found out somewhat what was going on with my Sponsor. She's changing her anxiety medication (didn't know she was on anything) and she's feeling kind of odd plus, her daughter lives with her with a newborn (eeek!) and she (my sponsor) is starting to see she needs to get out of the house and away from the situation more, take care of her and get a job - to get away from the daughter stuff.

So, the lesson for me is, not to be too hasty to judge.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by scorpiogirl

I found out somewhat what was going on with my Sponsor.

All the more reason not to put ALL of your eggs in one basket.

[navysteve]

I have another question I want to put out there. I hate to admit this yet, I hear alot that if we can't get ahold of our sponsors, to call someone else for input, feedback or suggestions. Then, why the purpose of ONE sponsor if we're getting ideas from others?

I would get a new sponsor, perhaps at some later date she will be available

[lizw]

Originally Posted by scorpiogirl