What would you do if YOUR sponsor drank?

[lizw]

How's that for a bit of reversal?

I am interested in others thoughts as I've a sponsor in another fellowship who has been a bit dodge on it IMO as of late and does this from time to time.

I spoke about it with her a few weeks back, and although she agreed with me I stopped ringing her as I felt uncomfortable. She still rings me, neither of us mention what happened and I still see her at AA meetings etc...

I love her dearly, she has been so helpful to me and I have no resentment but I don't think it is particualr good for me to be involved in what she's been and still doing. I also have the other problem of being halfway through the steps with her....

Ever had a sponsor who has gone off drinking or being el dodge o? What did you do?

[TTOSBT]

What is dodge on it mean?
Do you mean that she is avoiding you?
Years ago I had a sponsor go out on me. I was young and used it as an excuse to lose faith in the program. My lack of program and connection then took me out for a decade.

This time it is different. I am way more involved in the program this time around. I would be very sad if my sponsor went out and I would still talk to her but as she no longer really had what I wanted, I believe that I would go find another to take me through the steps. I am close to my grand sponsor so that is who i would call first

[lizw]

Originally Posted by TTOSBT

What is dodge on it mean?
Do you mean that she is avoiding you?
Years ago I had a sponsor go out on me. I was young and used it as an excuse to lose faith in the program. My lack of program and connection then took me out for a decade.

This time it is different. I am way more involved in the program this time around. I would be very sad if my sponsor went out and I would still talk to her but as she no longer really had what I wanted, I believe that I would go find another to take me through the steps. I am close to my grand sponsor so that is who i would call first

I've been sober 10 years, she's been sober 30 but this has nothing to do with drinking alcohol but rather a matter of emotional soberity.

"Dodge on it" means doing something she shouldn't be and has sworn off doing many times herself.

She gets involved with a particular person who is also in recovery and becomes obssessed with them. Then I get to listen to the justifactions for this and the reasons why 'it is different this time' and how her relationship with this person will work out this time round....

Does that make more sense?

[ananda]

I've been thinking alot lately about overreliance on sponsors. I had a sponsor for around 15 years who was really really messed up in certain areas of her life...ever since I first got her. But where I got sober the first time, It was expected that everyone should have 2 sponsors...so I simply relied on a different one for expereince in the area that she was not doing real well in. This always worked well.

Where I am sober now, Sponsorship is stressed to the extreme....and to have more than one is considered absolutely crazy...so...I only have one now, and it works fine.

However, she is sometimes busy and she also has areas that she isn't so healthy in. She is a wonderful sponsor...just human. So a few weeks ago I had a dificult time and thought it was HER who i HAD to talk to. She wasn't available and I white knuckled it through a dificult evening.

Now I have had to look at an inventory and what my part is in how this all unfolded...I am relearning the importance of relying on all the alchoholics in recovery in my life today who have different strenghts and weaknesses.

Sorry I rambled! I guess I'm just saying that my expereince is a sponsor can be a very good sponser even with an area of extreme unhealthyness.

[sugErspun]

There's the other thread about 'brutal honesty' that seems relevant to the person sober 30 years as well as those who just can't get/stay sober.

I was recently listening to a talk - and the talker said something along the lines of "If you want to know how your relationship with God is, take a look at your actions".

I know more than one person with sobriety of 20+ years who found themselves taking actions which were in direct contrast to the choice they made at step 3...those sober lows they speak of are more scary to me than the low I had the last time I was drinking. It is oft referred to as a 'dark night of the soul'...maybe some others could share if they have had those experiences and what got them out. I am sure there was some brutal honesty and a return to willingness.


Lizw - you know what to do with this, and it has nothing to do with that other person at all.

"The answers will come"

[navysteve]

Been there,
What I learned from it is not to put anyone on a pedestal. Just because they drank does not take away from what they showed me about the program. In fact, they showed me how fragile sobriety can be when we rest on our laurels

[Kellye C]

My first sponsor went back out when I was 6 months sober and had just finished (or so I thought) writing my 4th step. Within 6 months she was dead. That relapse shook my faith in the program and gave me the feeling that if my own sponsor couldn't stay sober how in the world could I stay sober. Of course, even at my very inexperienced 6 months I could tell how sick she was getting at the end but still when she called me drunk and told me she couldn't sponsor me anymore it was my darkest hour in AA.

She was a chronic relapser so one of her old sponsors (my grandsponsor??) became my sponsor and still is to this day. She was the first (and only) person to come up to me after "T" went out and ask me how I was doing. I was TERRIFIED of this woman but she is all bark and very little bite. She barely knew me but had been waking up in the mornings with me on her mind. God had his hand in that.

Now if she were to drink I'd like to think I'm far enough along that I am capable of staying sober with the help of close mouthed friends in the group. I do not call my sponsor for every little thing, I have multiple people I can pick from to talk to should I ever find myself in need of counsel. I don't look for "me too buddies" but for people with multiple years sobriety who have something that I want, people who appear to walk the walk as well as talk the talk.

I'm just now getting a sponsee immersed into her 4th step. She has made friends with multiple ladies with double digit sobriety which makes me feel better since I have to travel a bit with my job. I like to think she is in good hands even if I am not available. Of course, she is in God's hands so therefore she is in the best hands possible. May I not forget that!!!

Take care,
Kellye

[lizw]

I think what I am struggling with is the idea that I am getting what she has - if you want what we have, do what we do and all that. And frankly, judgemental or not, I don't want to be in the same postion she keeps getting herself into. I no longer want what she has!!!

I probably wouldn't be having these doubts if it was a one off event or she amended the situation quickly, but alas both of these are untrue.

I don't want a perfect sponsor but one who had soberity would be good. I keep thinking it is similar to being sponsored by someone who keeps drinking.....and who would have that? Anyone?

I've got another sponsor (Lo) in another program and have been with her 5 years. She recently heard my 5th step that this other was meant to hear but was busy off being random and uncontactable. But Lo has told me she can only help me so much etc.. Doesn't pretend to have all the answers but then at the same time has seen the results of me attending this other fellowship. Mainly, that I've become emotionally stable rather than off being random myself.

I could probably rave on and on about it as I've never been in this place before. Silly how we say what we need to hear ourselves. I have been in this place before. Ha,ha. And I'm here again. Different people but some situation..... Ha,ha. Don't you hate that?

[Pinkcuda]

That's something I don't concern myself with. My Sponsor is Ex Skid Row and just passed 28 years. I like to think he has a pretty good grip on himself.
Having said that, Sponsorship is about keeping ourselves sober by helping others through the steps.
You've learned a valueable lesson here and this may help you more than you think. Hopefully this will strengthen your resolve to stay sober knowing that it can and does happen to anyone. Hopefully this is something that you will never give your sponsees the opportunity to say.
My Book says that we are given a daily reprieve dependant on the maintanance of our spiritual condition. Is your Sponsor Spiritually Fit?
Personally I would confront my sponsor with this question and drop him/her just as I would expect them to drop me if I was not being honest.
The Book tells us not to waste time on someone who is not honest and doesn't want what the program has to offer.
IMO, you are helping your sponsor to stay sober just as you would help the new man(as the book calls him) to stay sober.
We are instructed to move on.

[lizw]

Originally Posted by Pinkcuda

Personally I would confront my sponsor with this question and drop him/her just as I would expect them to drop me if I was not being honest. The Book tells us not to waste time on someone who is not honest and doesn't want what the program has to offer.
IMO, you are helping your sponsor to stay sober just as you would help the new man(as the book calls him) to stay sober.
We are instructed to move on.

I posted here because I thought I may get some good responses so thank you. I was thinking along the same lines myself.



Except it maybe more like: over lunch (where I will pay) and tell her how much I love her and appericate her help but I'm moving on.....

Thanks again.

[scorpiogirl]

Originally Posted by lizw

How's that for a bit of reversal?

I am interested in others thoughts as I've a sponsor in another fellowship who has been a bit dodge on it IMO as of late and does this from time to time.
I love her dearly, she has been so helpful to me and I have no resentment but I don't think it is particualr good for me to be involved in what she's been and still doing. I also have the other problem of being halfway through the steps with her.... Ever had a sponsor who has gone off drinking or being el dodge o?

El dodge o. That's cute! Right up there with "ring" you when she calls. Love it!

This is a no brainer ya know. Get a new sponsor. She can't complete the steps with you if she's gone out. It's sad though, isn't it? But, it can happen to any one of us at any given day. The disease plays no favorites or guarantees us another day sober.

It has never personally happened to me yet, I have known friends that it has happened with (not happen "to"....get it?) Nothing ever happens TO us.

Remember, Liz, people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Apparently she filled a need for a reason for as long as you had her. Just pray for her and wish her well yet......step away from the disease.

{{big hugs}}

[Pinkcuda]

Over lunch is a fine idea as there is no need for anything over and beyond what it is. You should be able to remain friends through this and help each other just the same.
You deserve to have the message delivered just as it was intended and someone drinking can't deliver the message. It's nothing that should be taken personal.

[lizw]

Okay guys and gals, I have to point out SHE'S NOT DRINKING but rather slipping in another area of her life she is/has been seeking recovery in.

And the thing about that is, drinking/not drinking is black and white for me but in this other fellowship, so far from what I've seen, it is not so black and white. Different shades of grey is how I'd describe it. Everyone defines their own el dodge o behavior and stops acting out on it.

BUT I think for me it is becoming clear what my own grey is. And for me either I'm pregnant or I'm not. There's no such thing as being half pregnant. I'm in or I'm out.

If there is anything that would send me back drinking it is this stuff I am trying to get some kind of recovery from - so today, I am in - regardless of what she's doing and I've already taken some steps to rectify the situation. And by this time next week, I'll have a lunch date arranged with her.

[scorpiogirl]

Originally Posted by lizw

Okay guys and gals, I have to point out SHE'S NOT DRINKING but rather slipping in another area of her life she is/has been seeking recovery in. BUT I think for me it is becoming clear what my own grey is. And for me either I'm pregnant or I'm not. There's no such thing as being half pregnant. I'm in or I'm out.

Sounds like you're pretty clear. I know what you mean. If a sponsor was doing behaviors that I couldn't wrap my head around, and it was kinda going against the other program's thing, I'd have to ask myself if it was healthy for me to stay in the relationship as it is. If I lost some respect for the person, I'd have to leave.

You're smart. I've read too many of your posts to not see that you have a level head about you and make the right choices.....

[bballdad]

my first sponsor quit coming to meetings 16 yrs ago and is doing fine.My second sponsor died 4 yrs ago of cancer.
my present sponsor is 88 and if he drank,I`m sure he would not live long.My present sponsor always points me to God and helping others,as did my second sponsor.
how about 12 stepping your sponsor back?

[Tazman53]

Liz it sounds like we are in a similar boat, but you have made a decision and have a plan of action.

If my sponsor drank for me it would be a no brainer, I would get another sponsor and pray for the old one.

I am not sure what has changed for my sponsor but he has some resentments that are so bad they are outwardly visible to all around him.

I hate talkiing about some one behind their back, so right now I am praying and seeking an old timer to talk to on how to speak to my sponsor about this.

Would it be wrong to speak to my grand sponsor?

[lizw]

Originally Posted by Tazman53

I am not sure what has changed for my sponsor but he has some resentments that are so bad they are outwardly visible to all around him.

I hate talkiing about some one behind their back, so right now I am praying and seeking an old timer to talk to on how to speak to my sponsor about this.

Would it be wrong to speak to my grand sponsor?

I find this stuff really hard eh?

Some say, well if your sponsor is not drinking, sober awhile or whatever then it's fine, regardless of what they are doing, not doing, type of behaviour they are displaying, even though the BB says not drinking is but a beginning....

I don't think I see my sponsor as God or perfect, I think I had a tendency to do this when I first got sober but for me there is certain types of behaviour/attitudes I am trying to seek recovery from, and if my sponsor (whoever that may be) isn't doing the same, then maybe it is time to move on eh? Like I am doing.

But that brings me to the next problem, as really I feel obligated to take her inventory to her face as an explanation as to why I am moving on.

Would I talk to my grand sponsor, her sponsor? Well I actually don't like her AA sponsor, and personally never met anyone who is so judgemental ever in AA - the woman is famous for it. The lady who used to sponsor me, said, when I told her who my sponsor was sponsored by in AA, 'It's a miracle she still sober!' It made me laugh. I seriously couldn't believe it. So I wouldn't do it.

Half my problem is I like to pretend this stuff doesn't happen. As my sponsor in another fellwoship says, "Your just like your mother! You stick you head in the sand and pretend everything is fine." Lol.

I had this old timer (30+) years who was coming round to visit me and talking to me a lot on the phone, recently. In the end though, I just made myself unavail as resentments just vomits out of her and it's not good for me to be around.

Emotional soberity eh? Tough call. Bill didn't write that phamplet on it till he was like 25 years sober, so I have been told.

[RufusACanal]

What has God said about this?

[Peter]

We were formally working on Step 2 when my sponsor relapsed.

I bore him no hard feelings but obviously i had to find someone else to help me work The Steps.

Sponsor relapse does not negate the work we have already done on Steps.