Sponsorship questions/troubles

[nandm]

I could use some thoughts and experience from others right now. Here is the situation:

About 5 months ago I was asked by a woman to be her sponsor. As I had never officially sponsored anyone before I told her that I would agree to sponsor her on a temporary basis with both of us free to end the relationship at any time. I tried taking her through the steps. There were problems with work schedules and my time schedules but eventually we were able to find a way to meet before my home group meeting each week. I am someone who truly hates the telephone, I am a get to the point and get off it type person (the same way I shop; go in get what I came for and leave). She is more of a chit chat type person. I also learned to stop letting the phone dictate my life, I did that for way too many years. Today when my phone rings I don't jump up to get it, I check it when I can and feel if it is important then the person will leave a message for me to call back. This has been a source of frustration from my sponsee who wants me to jump to the phone when she calls. I don't jump to the phone when my partner calls so why would I do it for someone else? I have returned the calls anytime she has left a message and talked her through the situation. We got up to the 9th Step on the Steps and she was working on those.

She wound up going out last weekend (this is a recurring theme for her). She did change her sobriety date and come back to AA. Even before this I was struggling with feeling like she is needing more attention than I can give at this time in my life. Since she has gone out and come back I have felt like she has been doing the control thing. Making snide remarks about my being hard to get ahold of. Yes, I am if someone doesn't leave a message but I made that clear at the begining of this relationship. Making a point to suddenly get numbers from the other women in the group. I have been encouraging her to do this all along. I made a point to include her in the group of women in our home group to help her find a support group. I gave her all their phone numbers months ago. On Friday my partner gets off work and asks me if I spoke with my sponsee. I didn't as she did not call (I do have caller ID). Turns out she called my partner and was wanting to talk with her about her problem of the day. I thought it a little odd as most people would call their sponsor first then try others if they weren't available but whatever. Then on Saturday while I am in the middle of cleaning the garage and changing the oil in the car she calls but doesn't leave a message. Within about 15 minutes she calls my partner and leaves a message wanting to come over and talk with her. I thought it a little odd to leave a message for her but not her sponsor but again whatever. Since my partner was busy helping me in the garage she did not get the message for a while. When she did call back the sponsee was rather short with her and said she had found someone to talk to. Great, I am glad she did. Then she calls me later that evening. I was with some other people on my way out to the Annual AA Labor Day campout to attend their meeting that night. She wanted to come by my house and talk to me. I explained I was in the car and out of town right then but she was welcome to talk to me on the phone. She got upset at this and said she needed to talk to me face to face. OK?? So she wanted to meet me on SUnday. Well, Sunday I was to pressure wash my partners mothers house for her and have dinner with them. So my day was already full with obligations. I explained this to the sponsee but told her to call me and if I found I would get done in time I would try and meet with her. Well she never called.

So my problem is this, I am to the point that I feel I can not devote the amount of time that this person feels is needed. I may be being selfish I realize that. I have not had the opportunity to speak with my sponsor about this as she has been out of town. I am ready to tell this sponsee that it is time she find another sponsor who can give her the time that she needs. I have school starting this month, I have home improvements I am constantly doing around the house, I have work that I have contracted to do for others, and I am studying for my contractors license exam. So my time is only going to get more and more tight right now and I do not want to continue to shortchange this woman with my inavailability. I do feel that she may be feeling like she is being shortchanged and that is why the demand to speak to me face to face.

Anyone have any experience, strength, hope, suggestions to share?

[lizw]

I've never sponsored someone so needy.
Mine usually don't call me enough!

[barb dwyer]

So my problem is this, I am to the point that I feel I can not devote the amount of time that this person feels is needed.

I don't get that feeling at all, Nandie ...
*I* get the feeling more like ...
this person has their established pattern of help and relapse ...

and you're not playing the way she wants you to.

*shrug*
sounds like a catch and release to me.

I mean, you said she's labor intensive,
to the point you actually feel you might need to change your own telephone habits to accommodate hers?
What's that all about?
And apparently wants a lot of attention,
if only to have someone to blame.

Because you and I both know -
you have to change everything about your life
in order to change your life.
Otherwise it's the same old life.
And you ... missie ...
are just not accommodating that for her.
(to be read dripping with sarcasm)

Sounds like this person would be better off with another sponsor.

She's gone to the ninth step ...
that's an amazing acheivement for any sponsor any more, Nand.

Just my opinion ...
but it's got you doubting the way you are ...
YOU ... have managed sanity in your life.
SHE ... has not.
YOU ... in my opinion ...

are not the one in need of changing the basic workings of your life.

The one with the INSANE life ...
is the one who does the adjusting and accommodating ...
not the other way around.

[CarolD]

Judith...you did all you can do with this woman.
It's time to let her go.
JMO

[jimhere]

Can't add much to what has already been said. I too am not a phone, small-talk type person. Neither was my first sponsor. One time I was facing what appeared to be a huge dilemma and called him to ask about what should I do. His reply was "Did you pray about it?" Then he hung up. Others times I would call and all he would say was "How are those amends going?" If wasn't doing amends, he wouldn't talk to me. Consequently, when they call me I ask the same type of questions.

One question I ask potential sponsees is "Are you willing to place dependance on God ahead of dependance on people?"

My goal is to get them free of me as soon as possible. Consequently, I don't do that well with the needy ones. As well as the ones who clamor for this and that or want to complain about their job their wife, their kids, etc. I take alcoholics through the steps. Sometimes we go our seperate ways and sometime we develop a close friendship that grows over time.
Jim

[Rusty Zipper]

nands, ask her if she wants to work the steps, or gab?

the answer to your question will come quick...

IMO, a good sponser guides the willing sponsee through the steps...

not new material for The NATIONAL ENQUIRER

good wishes nands

rz

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Jim,

You got a chuckle out of me this morning.."did you pray on it" is always the first thing out of my sponsor's mouth and she's been known not to speak with me if I have told her that I didn't do any work this week. Used to tick me off in the beginning but now I get it..

[Tazman53]

She wound up going out last weekend (this is a recurring theme for her).

One thing my sponsor has drilled into my head and I understand now is the only person I can keep sober is me, the only person I can get drunk is me as well!!! I too was having a sponsee issue..... turns out that the sponsee had an issue, not me.

Since she went out I would assume she is back on step one, right?

I would sit down for a long heart to heart with her and see if you want to continue the relationship, it sounds like she has a resentment against you which she may not be able to see unless she gets another sponsor. She may be to nervous to cut you loose.

This is strictly what I would do, I would part ways with her as nicely as I could but being very honest with her as to the reasons why. I have never let a sponsee go so this is not the voice of ANY experience speaking..... just opinion and that may very well stink!

[reginaterrae]

Speaking as someone with more experience in Al-Anon than AA, I'd say you're doing beautifully. Next right thing, as has been suggested, would probably be a f2f discussion about your relationship. Be careful to listen without interrupting and without rehearsing your own sharing, and remember (and remind her) to pray on it.

[nandm]

Thank you everyone for your responses and insight. I truly appreciate it. Well I called and left her a message to call me back two days ago. Ironically, although she expects me to jump when she calls she has failed to call me back. I was unable to make it to my homegroup meeting last night so did not have a chance to speak to her there. So I need some more advice and experience please.

I am considering just leaving her a phone message stating that I am sorry we have not had the opportunity to speak in person but I need to tell her that I feel it best if she found a new sponsor who can give her the time that she needs. That with school starting and my other obligations I feel I am shortchanging her and truly want to see her find and stay sober. I am still willing to help her anyway I can as time allows even if that means suggesting some people who are good sponsors with the time she needs.

So what do you think. Is a phone message really tacky and wrong since I can't get her to call me back? Any suggestions? Thanks in advance for anything you can offer on this.

[daydream]

Well, in all fairness, it's possible she didn't get the message or something has come up. Even though she's been a pain, I would give her the courtesy of one more phone call before leaving such an important message on her answering machine. I think you'll feel better about it if you go that extra mile.

((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

[Tazman53]

So what do you think. Is a phone message really tacky and wrong since I can't get her to call me back? Any suggestions? Thanks in advance for anything you can offer on this.

Just leave her one more message saying you really need to talk to her, firing her via a voice mail makes it a one sided conversation. If she returns your call fine, if she does not return the call then just take it as her making her own decision.

[RufusACanal]

Judith, much love to you today. Many of us, have other mental health issues and I am ill equipped to offer more in this regard than the phone numbers to the local mental health professionals.

This is a small segway;Jim has through his example of steadfast faith in a loving God, given me the courage I not only needed, but wanted deep down to accept God as my Director. Today, I start at prayer. This was not the case for many years, even sober. I believed in the power of Ron and you can see the tangle of my journey here with my intellectually slanted forays.

Listening to Charlie and Joe over and over of late has given me a new and precious outlook on my New Life. Daily contact with God frees me to live more tolerantly and peacefully; not perfectly.

Your example of a New Life shines Judith! Sadly, this newcomer chooses to live the old life and you are powerless to do anything but guide or say goodbye. A warm hug and a friendly goodbye until change takes place is my only thought, preceded by prayer.

Thank you Jim for your patience with this pigheaded old guy.

PS, if you have not listened lately to Charlie and Joe...OMG they are awesome.