Waiting for the Applause

[RufusACanal]

For years, I would leave AA meetings, angry and resentful because no one had sincerely appreciate my wealth of knowledge and vastly superior intellect. My sage advice went by the wayside without a single affirmation. I waited for the applause for years and they never came. While you were practicing the common solution and humility, I was practicing Ron's solution and drowning in my own self imposed humiliation; laying the brickwork for another drunk, one resenting brick at a time.

In a New Life, I have no need for applause. I do have need though of supplying applause for those who desperately work to have freedom from Alcohol. Today, I applaud each of you in your continued pursuit of a New Life.

[Rob B]

Originally Posted by RufusACanal

For years, I would leave AA meetings, anger and resentful because no one had sincerely appreciate my wealth of knowledge and vastly superior intellect. My sage advice went by the wayside without a single affirmation. I waited for the applause for years and they never came. While you were practicing the common solution and humility, I was practicing Ron's solution and drowning in my own self imposed humiliation; laying the brickwork for another drunk, one resenting brick at a time.

In a New Life, I have no need for applause. I do have need though of supplying applause for those who desperately work to have freedom from Alcohol. Today, I applaud each of you in your continued pursuit of a New Life.

Sounds like you got a hold of some of my older inventory, I used to wait outside meetings waiting for folks to ask me to sign their Big Books and sponsor them LOL. Today I take credit for my "sin" The good stuff is God working in and through me, of myself I am nothing, I have conceded that to my innermost self, it goes hand in hand with a current 1st step experience.

Ultimately it is a loving God that restores us and makes us whole again, however, there is a lot of hard work to uncover what has always been within us, anyone pursuing recovery is deserving of support and encouragement, as we all know the path can be narrow and treacherous.

[Tommyh]

if only they knew how great I am.....the battle cry of a alcoholic

[nandm]

Thanks for an excellent post once again, Ron.

I used to be concerned thinking that I was doing something wrong when I would hear people talk about sponsoring others. Some of these people were only 6 months sober. It seemed like everyone but me was sponsoring someone. I couldn't figure out why no one had asked me to be their sponsor. It was only when I quit worrying about such things and faced the fact that service work comes in many forms not just sponsorship that someone approached me to sponsor them.

I think that in the long run the experience was a good one as it forced humility on me as well as helped me gain respect for those that do the work with others without the "glory" of being a sponsor by:

• being at the meetings to ensure the newcomer has a place to come to
• participating in 12 Step calls
• Sharing their ESH in meetings
• Participating in their Home Group business meetings to help ensure the meeting meets the primary purpose of helping the newcomer
• going into the jails and sharing their ESH
• working on the AA phone lines
• and so much more that is a behind the scenes working with others

Today, I don't worry anymore about what I might be doing wrong because people are not beating down my door to sponsor them. The sponsees that I work with are doing well and working hard on their sobriety and I continue to do the behind the scenes service work that I learned to do while waiting.

[ananda]

yep...i went to a retreat once where no one talked for a week. I was suprised to learn that in the absense of positive feed back i assumed everything i did was wrong...a sorta twisted ego thing.

I am constantly suprised by the ways I loose centeredness and become dependent on others!

Thanks for the thread.

[Dean62]

Originally Posted by Rob B

I used to wait outside meetings waiting for folks to ask me to sign their Big Books

LMAO! Did you let them know you would be available for signings after the meeting?

I have had the same problem Ron. I think they made the program simple just to trick us. Then again they did warn us to keep it simple. I guess that falls under "God speaks through others." The first thing I was told by this alcoholic after I asked him to be my sponsor was "forget everything you think you know". :wtf2

I'm still working on it but it does get better one day at a time.

[Rob B]

I hear you Dean, what I think I know is the perpetual noose around my neck, that's why I run with guys who are much more interested in my life than my feelings. They aren't afraid to wake me up to stuff I am completely asleep to (rarely has this experience been comfortable).

My mind tells me if it feels good it must be good, I was recently given the consideration "how did that idea play out with a bottle of booze".

[lizw]

Fantastic topic.

And yeah I'm still waiting for fame and fourtune in AA and outside of AA too.
'God dam them!'

I belong to a public speaking group (non recovery) and gave my first speech the other night. Everyone told me how good I did and when I can home I couldn't go to sleep. I lay awake half the friggin night thinking about what a legend I really was.

It seemed entirely possible that I could easily become the best public speaker any of them have ever heard, ever. In fact I could even start entering contests (as they do have them) straight away and beat people who have been doing it for years. I am such a legend.

The curse of the alcoholic - low self esteem with huge ego.

[Paulie]

The curse of the alcoholic - low self esteem with huge ego.

LMAO..well said.

Great thread!!!!

[Tommyh]

Liz,your legend precedes you...or is it,i`m a legend in my own mind


lol

we don`t tell our story,we give `em a saga!

I have a friend who jokes with me a lot about stuff like this,all in jest...we do have a lot of fun
what do you expect when a couple of geniuses get together?

[jimhere]

I have written inventory because I did not feel that "They" recognized my true importance. One interesting thing that came up in that inventory was that I use AA meetings to look good and to feel good about myself by enhancing my egoistic sense of superiority. Trying to be a rock star in AA nearly killed me. I think it was Ram Das who said "You can climb high, but you might fall."
Jim

[lizw]

Originally Posted by bballdad

Liz,your legend precedes you...or is it,i`m a legend in my own mind
lol
we don`t tell our story,we give `em a saga!
I have a friend who jokes with me a lot about stuff like this,all in jest...we do have a lot of fun
what do you expect when a couple of geniuses get together?

Ha,ha. Me too. We regular discuss how we are going to get jobs where people will pay us to do nothing, except be our brilliant selves.

I certainly am, a legend in my own lunchbox...

[reginaterrae]

This thread is so perfect for me today! This is so me!

The dangerous flip side, for me today, is that I don't want to share what I'm struggling with ... And I justify that by thinking, if my experience, strength & hope are helping other people (beacon of es&h, actually, saving lost souls), then my weakness and confusion and stumbling might actually be dangerous to someone's wavering sobriety! Someone who thought I was Enlightened might be disillusioned by seeing their hero crash. LOL oh yikes, too real.

Thank you for this thread!!!

[sugErspun]

I do not like to speak publicy. I don't know why or what - but it just has never been easy for me (somehow the thought gets lost as it comes out of my mouth, tongue tied - lose track of thought etc etc). As much as I would love to be able to express through the spoken word, some of the great 'insight' I have , it just doesn't seem to happen. So generally - I am kind of quiet, - speaks when spoken to kind of thing, especially in AA. (Don't get me wrong - I have led AA meetings, business meetings etc - those are certainly the exceptions if there are any).

My home group asks that no one applaud any speakers, it is one of the things that really keep me going back there (it is not a convenient location), it makes it more personal. I really notice that I find myself listening more, and less fearful of speaking because the applause, or lack thereof, often was a benchmark on how 'good' of an AA member someone is - at least in my perception.

Some of the most applauded and revered AA members make me cringe, while some of the most quiet, shy are the shining examples of the miracle that can take place. I have to see past the applause, past others opinions and have an experience with that speaker in the form of listening to them - with open ears.

I found my place now- if it means I am to be quiet, that is ok. If it means sharing, I am also ok with that...as long as I stick to my experience, it always comes out ok.

Good topic Ron, extremely relevant.

[AW2486]

Yes, Nice topic.

My Ego can inflate to extreme proportions at the blink of an eye. I think all alcoholics are prone to that. Some (me) are worse than others.

Checking my motives is a full time job, Have to keep praying to do Gods motives and not mine. Most of the time when I seek that prayer.. its often too late and I've already put myself in some discomfort.

Each day is a new day for improvement.

Andy

[Tommyh]

my buddy Billy D is a member of a small group way out in the sticks..maybe 6 or 7 people

he has been sober longer than the others,and his x wife told him once
you like that meeting because you can be a big fish in a little pond...he said she was right..he was "somebody there",if only in his own mind

[CarolD]

The best applause I ever recieved ..

I overheard my Grandson ..a non drinker
tell my drunken Step Granddaughter

"You outta talk to my G-Ma ..every day
she helps people quit drinking beer .

Yes..that is my simple purpose in AA.

[Freedom1990]

Great topic for me too! As bballdad said, I was a legend in my own mind!

I clearly remember just a couple of months into my recovery, I copped a resentment against a fellow AA member, and later that day, the resentment had mushroomed into a gargantuan resentment against the entire AA group!

I decided then and there that I would just show all those a**holes, and NOT attend the meeting that night!

They would all immediately notice my absence, jump into their cars, come to my house, begging me to come back to AA. Ha, that would show them!

Needless to say that when meeting time came that night, I anxiously waited, peering out the window for that parade of cars.

Not a single soul showed up, not a one! The meeting went on quite nicely sans DeVon!

Thank God I don't live like that anymore!

[miss communicat]

this is such a good discussion to have today. thanks!

I have been right-sized in AA, and by that I don't mean false (or undue) diminishment either. For we are all great and good. And meaningful people. And we should let our light shine!

But,

THIS alcoholic has to remember to keep her speaking/sharing real and honest and of service to the Highest power for all concerned. to get over herself, and to let go of how it looks on the outside and, oh yes. to remember that there is no "audience" since we are in fact, all one, united in common purpose. I do forget this.

Whenever I speak as in telling my "story", I pray aloud before the members, asking that I not hide behind my BS or my gift of articulation. Because, I will do that in a heartbeat. I know I DO talk a good talk. And it sounds good.

But,are looking good and sounding smooth really the truth I need to share? No.
Today, knowing about this potential ego driven pitfall is a very good place to start getting real. Its good to know I am not alone in this!

[nandm]

One thing that helps keep me right sized in my sharing was something I picked up by watching a sponsor do it. When called on she pauses. When I asked her why she pauses her response was she is saying a prayer to her HP that she may "say what needs to be said and hear what needs to be heard." I have found that when I do this I am less inclined to be planning what I am going to say if called on because I know that what I say may not make sense to everyone but it may be just the thing that one person might need to hear if I just open my mouth and speak from the heart trusting that my HP will lead me where I am supposed to go.

[Tommyh]

I was a few months sober when Jim C walked up to me.We had a conversation.
He talked some AA,and I gave the usual "I know,I know,I knows"
he then gave me a serious look,and said
can`t teach you anything,you know it all already

when I cooled off,I realized he was right

[lizw]

Originally Posted by bballdad

I was a few months sober when Jim C walked up to me.We had a conversation.
He talked some AA,and I gave the usual "I know,I know,I knows"
he then gave me a serious look,and said
can`t teach you anything,you know it all already

when I cooled off,I realized he was right

Dunno about anyone else but I do this with my sponsor all the time. LOL. Have spent the last 6 months really trying hard not too. If I really knew I wouldn't be in half the the situations I get myself in....

[bob_sapp]

Originally Posted by Rob B

I used to wait outside meetings waiting for folks to ask me to sign their Big Books and sponsor them LOL.

At least you weren't one of those people who goes up to newcomers and declares that you're their sponsor.

[RufusACanal]

What a balancing act we must maintain. On the one hand we are teachers and rightfully so, as we have received a gift of new life and on the other hand we need practice to humble and available not lofty and arrogant. This is the thought I have if I am not being led by my Higher Power that "I" must maintain the balance. The truest use of God's power is allowing him to balance for us and we simply follow his lead.

I have found that I am more comfotable in living this new life following the lead rather than being the lead of a true and reliable Power.

[Tazman53]

WOW!!!! I can so relate to so much that has been shared here, in early sobriety I read the BB & the 12X12 daily, partially for my recover, but more so to where when a topic came up in a meeting I could REALLY show them just how AWESOME and all knowing I was about AA and living life sober!!!!

Then of course I would share every chance I got knowing that I was saving ALL of them from them selfs!!! LOL

My sponsor pulled me aside after a meeting where I was sure I had imparted to all of the Old timers knowledge that they had noi idea even existed on earth! I figured he was going to compliment me on what I had shared.......... instead he told me to paraphrase because this is mixed company "Martin you have an awful lot to learn, you are sharing straight from the book which is fine, but you have no real experience to share, I would like you to just listen for the next 3 months and not share."

Needless to say my sponsor made "THE LIST"!, my resentment list!!!! I was POed at him beyond belief, didn't he know who I was and just how awesome I was, and how lucky he was to have me as a sponsee to make him look good?

Well I had told him I was willing to go to any lengths to stay sober, and I had agreed to follow his suggestions, so I quit sharing......... Funny thing, people stayed sober in the rooms without my shares, they kept coming back, and as a byproduct of me keeping my all knowing mouth shut, I found that my sponsor was right, I had a lot to learn and I was learning it by listening!!!!

Thanks to you all for letting me see myself in you.