Thoughts, new sponsor I added to this as well.............

[vegibean]

****ETA..........my sponsor is feeling stuck with me as well and I'm not planning on forgoing a sponsor altogether, nor is she going to leave me hanging with out............ok


I love the sponsor I have, she's awesome. She does all those things that a sponsor is "generally" supposed to do and she sets a great example by doing her meetings, sharing, working the steps, working the steps with me and her other sponsees, yadda, yadda, yadda, all that good stuff.

I believe we're stuck. I talked to her last night and she feels like she can't help me any more and I feel like maybe I need someone that can relate a little more to my life. She's 24, no kids, never been married, I'm 38, been married twice and have two kids. Our family back grounds are different and then there's the "amends" thing.........we don't see eye to eye on that at all.

I know there are people that I need to do amends to, I DO NOT have a long list of people but on that list is me, my two boys and then a couple of family and friends. My mom is not one of them, my sponsor thinks she should be.

My mom since I last talked to her when talking about the "past" has told me that the only person she needs to answer to is God. My mom uses, has since I was little and has done some really rotten things and she lives in THAT place. ME??? I don't think I'd be all that fair to my kids if I blew off my bad decisions and told them "well, Mom only has to answer to God" and left them to deal with their feelings and put it all on them so I don't have to be responsible or accountable. Just one example, my bong put a bong in my hands when I was 8 years old and told me to "smoke this, it'll show you what life is really like" and then it went on to other things as I got older like flirting with her husband (BS!!!!!!!) and then one of her X's hitting on me when I was 15 and telling me more BS that "well, if you weren't so nice to him......." I mean, I think she's an @ss. I don't feel like I owe that woman any amends and at the same time to keep my sanity I don't talk to her right now. I just got out of rehab and I need to get myself settled and then my boys and my relationship with them.

I guess this is a vent more than anything. I'm just looking for insight too??? Am I making sense? I know everyone is different and we all have different things on our plate but my sponsor and I just aren't on the same page any more.

[ananda]

Hi Veg!

I already responded...posted again so you might go back adn check it if you like....

[vegibean]

ananda, and I liked what you said. Even the ones I do not agree with, I totally get what they're saying but I'm not ready.

My sponsor is also the one saying "I just don't feel like I'm helping you", that's her, not me.

I've even presented the question to her that "aren't I supposed to continue to work the steps over and over?" thus my getting to work on the issues in the future but when I'm more ready???? I think I make tons of sense as well as I feel others have as well.

[CarolD]

In many AA meetings....on the literature rack
is the official AA guideline....

"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"

When I was sponsoring...
I always gave it to my sponsees
then we went over it together.
I find it helped both of us .

You may have already done this, I

Blessings to you and your sons

[bballdad]

I have a sponsor,but I also talk with several oldtimers who help.They give me different points of view,and some deeper recovery,I call it.

Recently,a sponsee and myself parted company as far as sponsor/sponsee goes..
We both realized we was stuck.He discussed it with me and I wished him well,and told him my door would always be open to him,and we was friends and wanted to stay that way.Bottom line was,I just wanted him to get better,and he wanted to get better.

he has found another home group and sponsor.We talk weekly,see each other at meetings,and we still have that bond that was built over 3 years of working together.Sometimes when we sponsor folks we hit a point where we just can`t seem to help anymore,and then we might want to turn loose of each other and wish each other well..and be grateful for the chance to be of service

[vegibean]

bballdad............

[lizw]

While we are on the subject of sponsors, I have to say I had this sponsor a few years ago, both her and her partner were AA members, but what started to happen when I phoned my sponsor was I could hear her partner abusing her in the background.

"Don't be to F**en long on the f***en phone other people round here want to use it..."
Or
"Your not on that f**en phone again are you? For f**ks sake"

At first I couldn't believe it!!!
Then, in the end it just disgusted me and I just stopped phoning her. She asked me what was wrong a few weeks later but I was and am still unsure how to tell a sponsor they probably ain't too well to be living with that. Funnily enough I was living with it at the time as well so in a weird way the whole situation served it's purposes. I got out of my crazy/abusive relationship, she's still in hers. I still see them at meetings and even socialize with them from time to time. It was just pretty weird hearing my sponsor being abused by her partner.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Veggie,

I think it was Liz who mentioned something about having columns for your amends for the "now", "Maybe", "never" . I have my amends categorized like that...I'm writing on all of them right now.

However, I've been thinking about you and this situation, and I'm wondering why your sponsor can't see that moving your Mom to the "never" or "maybe" list isn't an option. That doesn't mean you won't write on it, but why can't you do the ones that are, for lack of a better word, easier for you to do right now? As you continue on and grow in your recovery, well then maybe you'll be able to tackle it. In the mean time, pray for willingness.

Karen

[daydream]

liz, I had the same situation. When I was 18 months clean, I moved and found a new sponsor, "C" that I liked a lot. C and her partner "T" both had 6 years clean and both seemed friendly enough.......that is, until I asked "C" to sponsor me. Things were okay at first, but then T started yelling at C in the background all the time, interrupting and complaining about us being on the phone. Then lots of times if I called and C wasn't home or was busy, T would blurt something about quickly and hang up, rudely. When I saw the 2 in person, T was friendly so long as C was around, but ignored me if she wasn't. I tried to develop a friendship with them both, beyond just talking on the phone. Any time I'd call to invite them somewhere, T would just quickly say "we can't today, we have plans, bye" and hang up that quicklly. I stuck it out for about 9 months until I just couldn't take it anymore, then found someone else. For a long time I called C on occassion, but she never seemed interested in a friendship beyond my initiating a phone call once a month. I felt rejected. So I was sad to see that I didn't seem to matter enough to thsese 2 women to spend time with me, but in the long run, I eventually found other friends and a truly wonderful sponsor. In my experience, problems usually turn into blessings.

[lizw]

Originally Posted by daydream

liz, I had the same situation. When I was 18 months clean, I moved and found a new sponsor, "C" that I liked a lot. C and her partner "T" both had 6 years clean and both seemed friendly enough.......that is, until I asked "C" to sponsor me. Things were okay at first, but then T started yelling at C in the background all the time, interrupting and complaining about us being on the phone. Then lots of times if I called and C wasn't home or was busy, T would blurt something about quickly and hang up, rudely. When I saw the 2 in person, T was friendly so long as C was around, but ignored me if she wasn't. I tried to develop a friendship with them both, beyond just talking on the phone. Any time I'd call to invite them somewhere, T would just quickly say "we can't today, we have plans, bye" and hang up that quicklly. I stuck it out for about 9 months until I just couldn't take it anymore, then found someone else. For a long time I called C on occassion, but she never seemed interested in a friendship beyond my initiating a phone call once a month. I felt rejected. So I was sad to see that I didn't seem to matter enough to thsese 2 women to spend time with me, but in the long run, I eventually found other friends and a truly wonderful sponsor. In my experience, problems usually turn into blessings.

THanks for that.

The whole thing was a reality check for me. My ex sponsor's partner is known round my area to treat her badly and I just never knew how bad it was really. What was happeneing was my idea of bad. I think I was like 5 or 6 years and they are both about 10 ahead of me. My ex sponsor is quite timid and mild while her partner is loud and angry. It was all such weird experience.

I know a guy who tells this really funny story about how his first sponsor had a tiny gambling problem, despite being sober. And the guy use to take him to horse races all the time. It sounds pretty funny in that sick kinda way.

[justanothrdrunk]

My sponsor is younger too. I'm 36, married, with a son. He's in his early 20's, still going to school.

To me, it's not important that we haven't shared some of the same personal experiences. The main thing is that we have the disease in common. Even though he has never had a spouse or a child or a hyper-corporate office job like me, he still has an understanding of the same emotions - fear, arrogance, I don't know, whatever... I think you get my drift.

My first thought when you say she doesn't think she's helping you... are you sober? If yes, how is she not helping you?

[Celebration1994]

I know for me when it was suggested that I need to forgive or make amends to some people, that I wasn't ready to and/or didn't want to. My sponsor told me that was my choice, but requested that I pray for them. At first it was just, let me find the wisdom and let go of any anger and resentments I have towards others. When that wasn't working...I sat up in bed one night and just asked....God you forgive (name) today, I can't yet. This went on for a few years and when I was ready to forgive, I asked for the guidance to forgive without harming another person. It was suggested that I write a letter to my father about him beating me as a child and feeling unloved, even though I was in early recovery, I understood the concept of harming another person and declined to do that as it was not my job to judge his actions...not saying they were ok, but that it was up to me to just forgive unconditionally because I wanted to or needed to to grow in my recovery...amends are for me, not the person and how they repsond is not my business, I know I have done the next sober action for me to heal and grow when I forgive.

I know for me on sponsors...if a sponsor says they can not help me anymore...it is time to find a new one, if we are stuck, and she agrees, then I will continue to be stuck, and it is time for a change.

Terry