Live and Let Live?

[Rowan]

I let a sponsee go this morning.

I realize that I am not her marriage counsellor, therapist, financial advisor, etc, but could no longer look the other way:

She is in a Big Book study with me and didn't go to our first meeting because of previous plans. No problem. This week she says she doesn't want to commit because she wants to get a job. I had already dropped her homework off at her house this morning when I couldn't reach her. It turns out that she met a guy in a restaurant yesterday and went home with him. She wants to stay the night again. I'm not sure if she is drinking.

Upon reflection, I see that she has only gone to those meetings where I gave her a ride. She lives 5 minutes from me and has no vehicle or licence. She hasn't gone to a meeting for about 10 days now.

I had formed a friendship with this girl and really enjoyed spending time together. It felt good to see her sharing at meetings, connecting with others, and expressing gratitude for a sober life.

But .. I am judging her. Guilty as charged. I don't like the way she is conducting herself, while knowing it is none of my business.

Pushing that stuff aside though, when it comes down to recovery, I'm not willing to work harder than my sponsee. I'll do whatever I can to help another alcoholic, but not if they aren't willing to pull their weight.

Am I being too hard on her?

[debs4321]

I dont think you are being hard on her.

She has to want this with every bone in her body. You cant keep her sober. Only God and herself can do that.

My feeling on this is................... I must do what I can to keep myself sober.

Not everyone has the desire to stay sober as I do. And if my sponsee's want what I have then they must do as I have done.

I am grateful I have had the time with my sponsees. They help me to stay sober. The ones that dont want this program, I have to let go. It is for people who have the desire to stop drinking.

All I can hope for is I have a part in planting the seed. The rest is up to them and their Higher Power.

[Rob B]

My experience is this:
I never fire any sponsees they usually fire me.However,When shown by action that a man is interested in recovering I can't not care. on the other hand if they are dusting me, like your sponsee appears to be,I can't care.

The chapter working with others gives us great directions. I always pray and ask God about these kinds of situations, but it sounds like you did the right thing in this instance and freed up some of your time for another newcomer who may want what you have.

[lizw]

I don't fire sponsees either. I resign if I don't think it is working out and suggest someone else to them.

You did touch on a very good point though regarding friendship.

My expereince has been, I have become friends with sponsees as a result of working the steps (we've walked side by side and continue to do so) BUT when I become friends with them through the 'fellowship' it usually turns to s**t because they are not getting well (via the steps) so are incapable of being 'friends' since friendship is a two way street eh?

I try and remember this with my own sponsor too and if I know she's having a hard time, do kind things for her etc... I.e. recently she broke her arm so I took her nuts to eat and magazines to read. As I said, friendship is a two way street and I gotta take care of my side.

I asked my second sponsor when do sponsees become friends with and/or like their sponsors, she told me when you get well. Lol. I'll never forget it. It didn't offend me, it was pretty funny.

[Peter]

I let a sponsee go this morning.

She is in a Big Book study with me and didn't go to our first meeting because of previous plans.

This week she says she doesn't want to commit because she wants to get a job.

I had already dropped her homework off at her house this morning when I couldn't reach her.

t turns out that she met a guy in a restaurant yesterday and went home with him. She wants to stay the night again.

Upon reflection, I see that she has only gone to those meetings where I gave her a ride.

She hasn't gone to a meeting for about 10 days now.

I don't like the way she is conducting herself, while knowing it is none of my business.

Pushing that stuff aside though, when it comes down to recovery, I'm not willing to work harder than my sponsee. I'll do whatever I can to help another alcoholic, but not if they aren't willing to pull their weight.

Am I being too hard on her?

No, I don't think you are being too hard on her and I don't think you are judging her either. If she is interested in doing business she will be back.

[tommyk]

You are doing her a favor.

[RufusACanal]

You are right about her business being none of yours. To the topic of her performance in recovery as your Sponsee, it sounds like the effort is missing. I do not live for my Pigeons, but I ask for simple considerations; do what you say to the best of your ability! You can't screw this up with her, just yourself, because you have to know she is in God's hands. All that is left is for you to give your part to God and move forward! Just a suggestion...

R

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

HI Ro,

Sounds like the situation that I was in recently. I chose not to sponsor that woman. I think you should do the same.

She'll come back when she's ready to work. If not, you did all that you could. You held your hand out and she's choosing not to grab at it.

Big hugs,

Karen

[ananda]

Things do tend to work out over time. What I know is that I don't want someone to sponsor me if they are not comfortable doing so. For me sponsoring is simply sharing my esh with a person and supporting them as they work through the steps. What I get from my sponsor depends on what I am willing to put into the process. Sometimes it isn't much and sometimes it is alot. I am grateful that she is there for me, but like I said...if she was finding it a real pain to sponsor me I'd just as soon have a different one. It's something I really need to think about if anyone asks me to sponsor them.

[Astro]

Not much I can add to what's already been shared Ro. After reading what everyone's said I think you'll know you did the next indicated right thing.

I've been working with a sponsee for years, he's slipped so many times that I finally had to admit that he was just between drinks. Rarely has there been any earnest recovery on his part.

I saw him a few days ago at a meeting. He's a couple weeks sober, this time he's saying he's experienced a "quantum change" and he's found a meeting that's working for him. I hope and pray that he's found a sponsor that works for him too, he hasn't called me in over a month.

I've never fired a sponsee, but I won't leave claw marks on them if they don't have the desire to stay clean and sober. I'm just leading by example, sharing what works for me, and turning it over to God since He's doing the guiding anyway.

[nandm]

Just my thoughts on this......
Some people are in our lives to help us through a difficult time. This may be the case with this sponsee. You stayed sober during a rough period.

She has to make the choice as to what she wants. It sounds to me like she has not chosen to put sobriety first. I do hope one day she makes that decision before she is not able to make it.

[tanyapmc]

At one of my many attempts to get sober I had a friend/ (sorta sponsor) I really liked her and called her every day. When I started using again I continued to call her. When she figured out that I was using again she quit taking my calls or calling me back. At the time it hurt my feelings. Looking back she did the best thing for me. I learned that if I wanted to have friends like her that I needed to be clean and sober. Now that I am clean and sober I see her again and we are friends.

So what I am saying is that you did her a favor. We should not work harder than our sponsees. Just my 2 cents!

[bballdad]

Rowan,I believe you was ok doing what you did.

I never fire a sponsee anymore,I just back off and let them do their thing.Sometimes they come back with lessons learned,sometimes they let me off the hook by getting another sponsor,sometimes they disappear.

[stone]

I have never sponsored but have had sponsors and this is what they have done with me. When I wanted to put the work in they were there for me and when I slacked off they were friendly but backed off, then if I wanted more interaction they were there for me again.
I guess it takes a certain emotional distance to be able to do this.

Originally Posted by bballdad

I never fire a sponsee anymore,I just back off and let them do their thing.Sometimes they come back with lessons learned,sometimes they let me off the hook by getting another sponsor,sometimes they disappear.

[Tazman53]

One of the very first things I do after qualifying a sponsee is to let them know that it is thier program, not mine, I will take them through the steps as quickly as they wish or as slowly as they wish.

I have not fired a sponsee yet, I kind of got fired by my first sponsee....... he was honest which I like, he told me he no longer had time to make the one meeting a week he was coming to and did not have the time to work the steps with me. He thanked me for being his sponsor...... I let him know AA and I would be there for him if he ever felt the need and thanked him.

Unless I had a sponsee lie to me or not keep commitments I would not fire one, I would let them drift off into the sunset, if they find another sponsor, that is fine, if they don't I will be there for them when they are ready.

I have not had a sponsee I felt any need to fire, but Rowan I know that sometimes getting fired is good for some sponsees, so what you did was right for you and her, if I was in your shoes I may have done the same thing. You did not do anything wrong.

[Reality]

The big book states very clearly that if a man isnt ready, (or woman), then release them and go work with another.

[collinsmi]

You did the right thing. Met quite a few people like that. Can't do the work for them.

[bballdad]

my sponsor used to say
if they are ready,you can`t say anything wrong,if they ain`t ready,you can`t say anything right

[Tazman53]

bballdad my sponsor has told me the only person I can keep sober is me and the only person I can get drunk is me! Basically the same thing, just different words.

[Jfanagle]

I have always told those who have asked me to be their sponsor that "I am walking the path of sober living, if you want to come along you are welcome." I know the way and can show you the path and if you will "walk along side we can do it together." I don't walk ahead of them and I don't walk behind.

My big secret is; "don't drink and begin to TAKE the steps, that is what I am here to help with, but they are YOUR steps!"

Like others on this thread I have never fired a sponsee, they just seem to decide that the path I am on isn't one that they are interested in TREKING along side of me. Amazingly there always seems to be another who asks if they can walk with me. When that happens I welcome them and take their hand.

Currently I have a few longtime companions and the others know where they can find us if they want to make the same journey.

You are doing just the right thing in my opinion.

Keep coming back, and bring your friends, no matter what.

Jon