My sponsee is having a problem staying sober

[debs4321]

I am having a issue with one of my sponsees

We have been over and over the first step. I think she understands......she says she does. But, she continues to relapse. It is very frustrating to me. I certainly dont let her know that, but inside I really want this for her. I do understand she has to want this for herself. She has to completely understand this step before we can move on. She says she does and doesnt understand why she continues to drink. She says her problem is she has a case of the f*#k it's.

I have taken several girls through the steps and have never had one relapse before. So, this is all new to me.

I never experienced relapse. I was 100% ready to give my all in this program.


Any suggestions are welcome.

[ananda]

I guess the expereince I can share is that I knew that I was alchoholic for all but about the first 2 weeks of my last drunk which lasted 8 years. I wanted to be sober with all my heart and couldn't do it.

Then I began to work on step 2....came to believe that a power greater than my "self" could restore me to sanity. I began to believe that maybe just maybe I could be sober.

Knowing what alchohoism is and that I was an alchoholic niether kept me sober or got me sober....the rest of the steps were required.

[Astro]

I can't keep anyone sober, and I can't make them drink. I'm just not powerful enough to do either of those two things.

I've got a sponsee who's slipped repeatedly for the last three years. I struggled with wondering what I was doing wrong, until another AA'er opened my eyes to the fact that sometimes our sponsees aren't slipping or relapsing, they're just in between drinks because they're not ready to surrender. That taught me to step out of God's way and let Him do the work, and it lifted the burden from my shoulders.

If you haven't done it recently, please read the AA pamphlet on Sponsorship, every once in awhile I read it as a refresher about what my responsibility is as a sponsor. I'm here to share my experience, strength, and hope, it's what has worked for me, but it doesn't guarantee that it will keep someone else sober.

[debs4321]

Originally Posted by ananda

Knowing what alchohoism is and that I was an alchoholic niether kept me sober or got me sober....the rest of the steps were required.

So, maybe what you are saying is I need to move on to step 2.

She does understand she is an alcoholic. That she is powerless and her life is unmanageable. So, maybe we should continue on.

Oh i am not sure.

I've got a sponsee who's slipped repeatedly for the last three years. I struggled with wondering what I was doing wrong, until another AA'er opened my eyes to the fact that sometimes our sponsees aren't slipping or relapsing, they're just in between drinks because they're not ready to surrender. That taught me to step out of God's way and let Him do the work, and it lifted the burden from my shoulders.

there is another great suggestion.................just getting out of God's way.


I think I will do a little prayer and meditaion. Check where my motives are.


Maybe I am putting expectations on her to stay sober, cause everyone of my other girls have so far.

If that is the case.....and i have been going againist what I suggest to others. (not to have expectations) then I need to take a good look at myself.

[sugErspun]

The first step is not so much an understanding as it is an admission to our innermost selves that we can't stop, and can't stay stopped. An experience if you will...for some people maybe this is a relief - for me it was absolute horror to realize that nothing I can do, try, know, learn - is EVER going to be of any real benefit.

I guess what I am saying is that everything from the title page to page 43 (step One) - it doesn't paint a very pretty picture for one who has alcoholism.

If there's a case of the f-it's now, imagine what kind of action is going to be shown at the 4th, 8th, 9th ...without a first step that blew me away...I kept balking somewere into the steps and ended up drunk again. Maybe your sponsee has assumed that they are choosing to drink rather than leading a life where untreated alcoholism is running the show.

If your sponsee is not done for good - the book tells us exactly how to deal with those situations. Personally - I would not want to create any bias now that might hinder any usefullness that I may be able to provide in the future...

[fulminouscherub]

I knew I had a problem 25 years before I realized I should and could do something about it. Wanting to not drink isn't the same as wanting sobriety. Perhaps she hasn't yet had her fill?

Functional, high-bottom alkies can be rather obtuse this way. I know I was.

[Sugah]

I took the first step fully before I drew a single sober breath. I've heard that the first step is the only one I have to do perfectly every day - but I'm not going to stay sober on it alone.

Like I said, I was in acceptance of my alcoholism long before I got sober, and it was no news to me that my life was totally unmanageable. I just didn't care. Once I began to care, I needed the E, S & H of the fellowship to show me that there was something greater than me. If "It" was keeping them sober, perhaps it would work for me, too.

If someone is ready, I believe they can take the first three steps in an afternoon - or even an hour. If she says she wants to be sober, take her hand and keep her moving. If she's willing, she'll follow you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[bballdad]

when I get someone like that I usually do one of two things
I back off and let them do their thing
or I get them at my house early one Saturday morning about 8 am and start on the steps and go thru them all and get all I can out of them.I tell them,don`t plan anything,we don`t know how long this is going to take.
If they balk,I tell them to come back or call me when they are ready,and focus on others

[debs4321]

I usually work fast through the steps with my sponsees, that is if that are in a understanding of each. We just finished going over the 1st step on tuesday and was going over step 2 today and she relapsed last night. So, maybe I will give it another shot. take her as far as she is willing to go. And if doesn't sink in then I am gonna have to let her do her thing and just be there when she is done.

I understand I cant save anyone. And I know not everyone is gonna get this program. It just saddens me to know she might have to go back out there and do some research.

Thanks for everyones input.

I am still open for more suggestions.

[Rob B]

I'd write inventory on her. Look at what 3rd column areas of self are driving your need for her to get it.

[BP44]

Who's staying sober?

[lizw]

I've sponsored a few people in the time I've been around and as far as I know there is only one who got sober while I was sponsoring her and has stayed sober (thus far). She's coming up 8 years and I met her when she was in jail for armed robbery.

I was going to NA as well as AA at that time, and she asked some AA people who were going into the prison if they knew of someone in NA who would go see her as she was a junkie - or had been for 10 years prior to jail. They volunteered me and I went and visited her and told her I'd only worked the steps in AA, so unless she admitted she was an alcoholic I couldn't help her. These days even I can't believe I said that to her actually. Lol. In the visiting room of the prison as well.

So she agreed she was an alcoholic and I began visiting her each week, in the jail, and we sat in the prison visiting room and read the BB while all the other prisoners visited with their families! The jail did make a special allowance for privacy when I heard her fifth but she left that jail on her 9th step, got out and made some amends, some of which I probably unwisely recommened which was a reflection of how little ESH I had then. But she stayed sober and clean. The other point that springs to mind (for whatever reason) was she lost a pair of head phones for her MP3 player at a NA meeting, when she got out, and if anyone found them, they didn't hand them in and I remember us discussing how great it was that she was now a AA member rather than one of those NA headphone stealing b***ds!! Lol

Then a few months later her probation ended and she moved to the South Island (I live in the North Island) to be closer to the jail her partner was in. He was in for armed robbery too. Obviously same place/same crime - very romantic. On the day she left I went to say good bye to her at the Ferry Terminal (that's how she got over to the South Island) and after saying good bye and hugging her, I went and sat in my car and bawled my eyes out as I knew her chances of staying clean and sober were not good, and that I'd probably never see her again.

As I said at the beginning she is 8 this November and has faced some hard stuff in her recovery but has never picked up. Her partner got out of jailed and relapsed. Then he got sober, stayed sober for awhile but their relationship never survived since he wasn't in jail, where he had been for the majority of their 9 year relationship and last I heard, these days, he's off using.

They both moved back to the North Island a few years ago and she is one of my very close friends and is sponsored by another woman, these days, and I have a ton of respect for her too. I think at one of my friends birthday meetings I told the story about crying when she left and she was crying too. I think I felt like this because even though I hadn't been round long, I'd been round long enough to know despite what people may say in meetings or how good their intentions are to stay sober, some for an unknown reason are just entirely encapable.

So that's my little rant BUT tonight I am going to watch a DVD with another lady I sponsored, am pretty sure I heard her 5th, maybe even heard it 2x as she kept relapsing and in the end I didn't have a clue what to do with her except telling her to keep writing 4th steps which may have got a little frustrating for her in the end.

However, as far as I know, she's been sober now about 18 months, after spending 3 years relapsing, so I will ask her what changed for her and let you know.

The other thing that springs to mind is what is your sponsee doing outside of meetings in her life?

I ask this because I suspect a friend of mine who keeps relapsing, and has been relapsing for 4/5 years now, is doing all kinds of dishonest things outside meetings then keeping it all to herself, drinking, coming clean then going through the cycle again.
We can't live one way and pray another eh?

[debs4321]

Thank you Liz................

That was an awesome story.

Ya know I did some thinking on this last night.

As it was told about Bill when he was first sponsoring men and they kept relapsing, he told this to Lois and she replied "But, Bill you are staying sober".

I am sober, and if I continue to live in God's will, and continue to spread the message. I have a good chance of staying that way.

You gotta truely want this, in order for it to work. I cant change no one, nor can I work the steps for them.

I have sponsored girls who are still sober and for that I am grateful for.

I am going to continue to pray for this girl. It is in God's hands now.

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by Rob B

I'd write inventory on her. Look at what 3rd column areas of self are driving your need for her to get it.

Excellent suggestion!

My question also wasn't so much what was going on with her, but what was/is going on with you.

We carry the message, not the alcoholic.

I've got 3 sponsees, one who just celebrated 2 years and it's not due to anything I did. She's just now getting to the point where she calls to bounce things off of me, and that's about it.

The youngest and I are like ships passing in the night these days.

The third one just recently asked me to sponsor her, and she's in the very early stages of sobering up.

[lizw]

Any primary purpose group members here?
My friend attributes her soberity to you folks.

Since she began attending the local primary purpose these meetings in our area and worked through the steps quickly with a sponsor, she believes that has been what's kept her sober the last 20 months, thus far. And her HP of course which she found working the steps.

I dunno why she didn't stay sober when I sponsored her and I believe we were doing what she's found at the primary purpose group - reading and discussing the BB and she was following the direction.

So who knows????

I think the one ingredient we can't help another with is willingness. No one could have provided me the willingness (and still can't) it's a place I had to and have to reach all on my own.

[sugErspun]

Yeah - there are some primary purpose folks around now and again here on SR (at least they 'seem' like pp). I know at least one person who posts now and again who started one in their area- maybe they will share a little about that.

But from what I have noticed, they don't tend to stick around these boards for very long for varying reasons.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

I really appreciate this thread. Thanks everyone!

[debs4321]

Hey Devon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[debs4321]

Well last night I got her on the phone. we talked about what I did and how I had to have complete willingness. She says she is ready. I will meet with her today, briefly go over step 1, move on to step 2 and so forth.

If all else fails I have given it my best.

I am giving it to God. I am only the messenger.

I have other sponsee that need me to be there as well.

Thanks for all the suggestions.

[lizw]

From memory, I got that woman who goes to PP in my area to write 4th steps whenever she relapsed as my sponsor when I relapsed did that with me. I've still got the letter she sent me as I was living in another town at the time. And I did do it, eventually.

I believe her justifacton for this was that the 4th/5th is the way we let in 'the sunlight of the spirit'. And as I started to write the inventory, I could see I'd become pretty bonkers again. I drunk after a years soberity though so knew what I ought to be doing but was just not doing it - I had a life to run, for gods sake! Lol.

Just my ESH.