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| | #1 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: martinsburg wv
Posts: 30
| 9th step ?
Has anyone heard the story reported in the washington post about a guy who confessed to a girl he raped over 20 years ago at UVA as part of his 9th step and ended up getting jail time? I have some stuff in my amends that while no where near this....my sponsor thinks I should fess up...when it says them or others does others include my family who would suffer for sure...
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| | #4 (permalink) | |
| Follow Directions! Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 7,343
| Quote:
Do I put myself ahead of my family to save myself? This is where talking with ones sponsor is crucial, yes we need to be willing to make all amends, but not at the expense of others. mjs not knowing what you speak of I will with hold any opinion, that is something that I would suggest you pray long and hard on and then speak to your sponsor at length on. If the amends are due and it will result in financial difficulties for you and your family, well that is something between you, your HP, and your sponsor. If it was one of my sponsee's looking to make amends about something financial and it would crush him and his family by making amends immediately I would probably suggest he set aside money each payday until he could afford to make the amends and then do so without ruining his families finances.
__________________ All BB quotes are from the First Edition of the BB Follow directions! Sobriety date 18 Sept. 2006 Sober today thanks to AA | |
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| | #5 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 7,537
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The BB also talks about speaking with those who will be effected (like family, business partners etc.). I have an amend my sponsor doesn't think I should make. I think I need to. But I will wait and not rush on it. pray meditate and the answer will come. My family who will be effected do not at this point support me making the ammend...but these things can change. |
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| | #6 (permalink) |
| Member | All or Nothing
God is everything or nothing, Like Jim said, directions on the 9th step are in the book, prayer, meditation and consultation with folks who have experience are important. I had amends that I was worried about as well, I was able to make them and today I am free. PM me if you would like some considerations.
__________________ Are You and I so Unalike? |
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| | #7 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,515
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Who has the Power, God or you? It's in the Book.
__________________ "Life is rather like a tin of sardines - we're all of us looking for the key" Alan Bennett Excerpts; First Edition of the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous |
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| | #8 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Northern NYC 'Burbs, NY
Posts: 4
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We just had a discussion about this in my Big Book meeting (we were reading page 78). One of the guys knew of someone who recently travelled from NY to FL to serve a couple days in jail. One thing - he did involve a lawyer BEFORE making the amends. Maybe getting an idea of the actual possibilities, rather than projecting, would make this easier? Ask your family - would they rather you do this amends, or go back to drinking? |
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| | #9 (permalink) |
| God's Kid Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,312
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Of course God has the power but he/she/it gave us brains so we could think! And sure we are alcoholic and have done some stupid/dumb/harmful things but martyring ourselves isn't going to solve anything nor is it the point of step 9. In the BB (round step 9) there is the story about the guy who owes money to his first wife etc... It would be well worth a read. It would also be worth while asking a few old timers/long timers in your area rather than just taking your sponsors word as gospel. When I first got sober there was a group of us that all use to kick round together and as I was going about making my amends one of the guys asked me if I was going to make direct amends to everyone I had harmed. He asked because part of his story was that he was involved in gangs, mostly as a 'debt collector'. He told me he blew up someones house and asked if he would have to make direct amends for that in particular. He didn't go into the finer details like if the people knew it was him etc... But I told him I didn't have a clue and now (10 years later) I still don't have a clue. At the end of the day he never started his 4th step so went back drinking. The BB directs wise counsel so I would encourage you to seek it, as I suggested, from old timers/long timers in your area and then when push comes to shove, it is between you and your god/hp. Good luck. Whatever you decide to do it will be the right thing.
__________________ ....blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God. |
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| | #10 (permalink) |
| Is my work solid so far? Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: N.C.
Posts: 1,155
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I heard of the story I believe he was wrong to contact her he had no right to try and clear his conscience at her expense.He hurt her many years ago,and now he has hurt her again.He put her thru hell once,and now he`s done it again.He also hurt his family and himself. But with that said,if he puts this whole situation in God`s hands,God will make the best of it.Some good can still come from it.
__________________ give freely of what you find and join us |
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| | #11 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: pennsylvania
Posts: 895
| Quote:
__________________ All Big Book quotes are from first edition | |
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| | #12 (permalink) | |||||||
| Life the gift of recovery! Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 4,921
| Here is one article that I found at CBS.com I have posted my thoughts below the article. I appologize for the length of my post but felt the need to share my thoughts. Quote:
That said my thought is why should the victim continue to pay for the crime for the rest of her life but yet the perpetrator get off scot free because he "is sober now and sorry for his actions"? Making ammends is not about making ourselves feel better. It isn't about getting out of the consequences for our actions. It is about letting go of resentments, letting others heal, and paying for what we have done whether that be financial or physical (like jail time). The part in the BB about not hurting others does not mean that we shouldn't pay for the crimes we committed. We are not included in the "others". If we were then why in the world would anyone make an ammends? When we make an ammends we have to be prepared for whatever it takes to make the ammends. I personally think it took a lot of courage for the man to try to make ammends. From my perspective I wish that the person who commited the crime against me would have the courage to at least admit they did something wrong. That would help release some of the pain I have surrounding the issue. Now for what the Big Book really says about Ammends rather than just my opinion. Although I will provide my opinion after each quote. Bill W. expressed willingness Quote:
Made direct ammends Quote:
Ammends to God Quote:
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directions for making ammends Quote:
The debris caused by our misapplication of self-will blocks us from God, hinders our progress, and chains us to the past. We must clear up these matters to be free to live our new lives. Not dealing with the harms we cause in a timely manner allows them to build up. This piling up of neglected responsibilities makes the load we carry in life unbearable. In the Eigth Step we learn how to right our wrongs and in the Tenth Step we learn how to prevent them from beginning to pile up again. Quote:
__________________ NOTE: All Big Book quotes are from the First Edition of the Big Book History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again. - Maya Angelou Last edited by nandm; 08-13-2008 at 01:37 PM. | |||||||
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| | #13 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 7,537
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I have an ammend to make that may have legal consequences. It is on hold right now. This thread is of interest to me. When I read the BB I read that If my amend will have a negative concequence to my family or business partners for example, that I should consult with them prior to making an amend. I know that my family and workplace will have harm caused to them if I make this amend and the legal concequences result. That doesn't mean that I won't make the ammend....I have a very strong belief that I must make the amend as it truley would help relieve the suffering of the person I harmed. However, since sponsors, friends, family all are dead set that it would be the wrong thing to do...I am not seeking out making the amend at this point. It's very difficult when I am truley committed to not harming people around me and harming people is actually always going to happen....this seems like a choice about which people I will hurt further. When I learn more, I will share more, but I am more in the process of walking through this then having the expereince of the solution. |
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| | #14 (permalink) | ||
| Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: pennsylvania
Posts: 895
| Quote:
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__________________ All Big Book quotes are from first edition | ||
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| | #15 (permalink) | ||
| Life the gift of recovery! Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 4,921
| Quote:
Quote:
__________________ NOTE: All Big Book quotes are from the First Edition of the Big Book History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again. - Maya Angelou | ||
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| | #16 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: pennsylvania
Posts: 895
| Quote:
__________________ All Big Book quotes are from first edition | |
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| | #17 (permalink) |
| Life the gift of recovery! Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 4,921
| And you know nothing about me. I did not intend to offend you and do appologize. Your attack on me I also found offensive but let it go since I know you know nothing about me or where I am coming from.
__________________ NOTE: All Big Book quotes are from the First Edition of the Big Book History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again. - Maya Angelou |
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| | #19 (permalink) |
| Life the gift of recovery! Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 4,921
| OK then lets leave well enough alone.
__________________ NOTE: All Big Book quotes are from the First Edition of the Big Book History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again. - Maya Angelou |
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| | #20 (permalink) | |
| Follow Directions! Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 7,343
| Quote:
__________________ All BB quotes are from the First Edition of the BB Follow directions! Sobriety date 18 Sept. 2006 Sober today thanks to AA | |
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