The Easier Softer Way? I Think Not

[sobergirl77]

OK I said I wouldn't post here again for a while, but there is something I need to get off my chest...

I have people on here telling me that I'm trying to go about recovery the easier, softer way. I know this is a line from the big book and I understand what it means but...

What I am doing is hardly easy or soft. Let me elaborate.

I have done many things I'm supposed to do: I go to meetings every day, got a sponsor, pray pray pray, read the big book, do service work, start the steps. I spent hours and hours on the steps so far. It has been real work. I spent hours doing a Step 1-3 workbook for my first sponsor. With my second sponsor, we sat and went through the book which took hours and hours. Then we prayed together for my 3rd step.

For my 4th step, I spent hours and hours writing down my resentments, fears, praying, etc. Then I spent more hours going over it with a sponsor.

I am currently re-working my 1st step, on the suggestion of my new sponsor. This too is real, honest work on my part. I'm more than willing to do my 1st step for the 3rd time.

I give rides to people when they need it. I clean up after meetings sometimes without being asked. I go to detox meetings and/or 12 step calls when asked.

This is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. It is not soft in any way. It's real work. Although I have to start the steps over again, nobody can say that I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to do.

To be told by people that I'm working "my own" program, or that I'm trying to do this "the easier, softer way" makes everything all the more confusing. It discredits the real work I have done wholeheartedly in this program.

I have been told by some people that I need to surrender. Well guess what? I have, on more than one occasion. I've surrendered three times only to have it crash down on my shoulders.

I have been told by some people that I need to "be done with alcohol". Well guess what? I wanted desperately to be done the moment I walked into my first AA meeting on April 16th. Why else would I have been there? Why else would I put myself through such hell?

Is it any wonder I am so baffled?

[suki44883]

If you're not drinking, whatever it is you are doing must be working. Keep doing it and let the other people worry about their own program.

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by sobergirl77

Is it any wonder I am so baffled?

I only know two things, if you were sober today that's all that matters. Period. And if you keep trying, you will make it.

[CarolD]

SG....I was in AA 5 years to earn my 1 year medallion.

I had many members tell me x or y or z
It did sting when others thought I was not trying.

However..in the end I succeeded and so will you.

Not one member here wants you to drink again.
We all share from our experiences
and some experiences simply don't work for everyone.

Try everything ...discard the elements that don't work
You have made progress since April...

[lizw]

Originally Posted by sobergirl77

I give rides to people when they need it. I clean up after meetings sometimes without being asked. I go to detox meetings and/or 12 step calls when asked.

What struck me in your post is the term, 'when asked.'

How about turning up early to EVERY meeting and staying late at EVERY meeting?

How about offering rides to people? How about arranging rides in advance with people? I.e. Do you want me to pick you up later in the week?

How about making arrangements to go back to detox to visit whoever you've been to see?

How about phoning those people to see how they are that you've visited on 12 step calls?

How about getting a phone number each time you're at a meeting then phoning that person the next day to see how they are?

Dunno if you PM people on here, but how about PMing people when you relate to what they say, to thank them and share your ESH with them?

I am unsure if you've notice but most people who do this kind of stuff stay sober BUT from the outside it appears they got sober to do this stuff, when infact the opposite is true - we GET sober by doing this stuff. We can't think our way into better living but we can act our way into it.

The 'spiritual awakening' we expereince that the 12 step refers to is not only about that fact we achive soberity, but that our outlook on life changes/our personality changes so we become GIVERS rather than TAKERS.

You can't 'cure' your alcohol problem but God/Hp can, so how about you take care of the above 'earthly matters' and give God/Hp a chance to operate in your life?

If you thinking but I have nothing to give - my sponsor told me this is called self centred fear. Everyone no matter how sober can give something. That is why AA works the way it does.

[stone]

Sobergirl, the easier, softer way means not following the program I think?

The program is hard, internally...it is not how many meetings you go to or how you conform to an idea of service work that is current in your area.
If you find it challenging then it is working...but not if you are doing it by rote.

It isn't how many meetings or how many rides, it is what? Something different...the spirit that you are doing these things with maybe?

I don't know, I find the program confusing too. Sometimes I feel I have grasped the point and then I seem to lose it.

[suki44883]

My point is that your program is no ones business but yours. If it works for you, fine. No one has the right to tell you that you are doing it wrong or that you won't stay sober, or that your quality of life will be diminished if you don't do it their way.

[tommyk]

Keep posting here whether you want to or not.

I only have one (1) question:

Did you call your sponsor before you took a drink?

I like everything you are doing, I do believe you can succeed, I'm on your side.

[TTOSBT]

I'm sorry. I guess I have not seen the posts or threads where people have said you are doing it the easier, softer way. Why would anyone say that?

For me, the key has been willingness and I have taken all suggestions from my sponsor, whether I like it or understand it. It sounds like you are working hard.

I don't know if you are still drinking or have, but I still don't see that as being the softer or easier way. I would have a hard time enjoying a drink now that I have embraced the program.

I wish you the very best and I believe that you can do this.

[AW2486]

Originally Posted by lizw

We can't think our way into better living but we can act our way into it.

So True..

Early in sobriety going to meetings with a lot of Halfway House people, I use to judge people all the time. I thought I could tell who would stay sober and who would not. What a Jack Donkey I was back then, Ive learned nobody works AA better than anybody else. People just experience things at different times, Some more quicker than others.

Keep doing what your doing. You have strong desire.. nobody can question that.

[sugErspun]

The phrase to me means - this IS the easy, soft way.

Truly. I will tell you - and I cannot explain it much. I felt the same way about AA for a very long time, even put some sober time together here and there.

One day it changed in my eyes - and I saw how utterly simple this all is...and I had been making such a BIG deal about it all...

I know it isn't easy, but I know - if you work that program as outlined in the book. If you can be totally honest with yourself - it will change for you too.

[Tazman53]

Sobergirl, no one is saying that you are not workiing hard, I know I'm not. I worked my butt off trying to stay sober my way for years......... this was all done before I got into AA, my butt was whipped soundly when I first called that doctor and told him the truth about my drinking.

At that point I was willing to follow any suggestion given to me to stop drinking and stay stopped. If the doctor had told me to kiss a donkey on the lips every morning and you stand a chance of staying sober I would have done it!

I was given what I have heard refered to as "The gift of desperation." I was lost, I had absolutely no idea what to do, the only thing I knew was that if I kept drinking everything in my life material, spiritual, and emotional was gone and I was going to die.

I had surrendered to the fact that I had absolutely no idea how to get or stay sober and that if I wanted a chance to get and stay sober I had to listen to other people who knew how to get and stay sober because they knew how to do it!

For me "The easier, softer way" was to simply follow suggestions given to me by fellow alcoholics who knew how to stay sober, no matter how much I did not want to do them, no matter how stupid they sounded or how hard they were to do. I followed suggestions and I stayed sober.

Doing it my way did not work, I surrendered to that fact!

Losing everything material, spiritual, and emotional in my life was the hard way.

What I am trying to say is that for me "The easier, softer way" was following suggestions from folks in AA that knew how to stay sober and not fight them or their suggestions, the hard way for me was death if I did not surrender and follow suggestions.

Yes, for many years in my active alcoholic mind "The easier, softer way" was my way, because it involved no real work, but I could not stay stopped, but eventually that "easier, softer way" was only an "easier, softer way" to death.

I know you want it, I know you are working hard at getting it and as long as you keep working at it you will get it. The hardest thing to do at first is to surrender, once I surrendered things started to work, what seemed impossible at first became possible.

By surrendering I went over to the winning side.

I really feel that I worked less and get more once I surrendered, do not get me wrong, I worked, but it was with acceptance.

[jimhere]

I think you think too much. Quit trying to figure out the why of everything and just take the action that is put in front of you. Or don't, it is up to you. Either way, there is nothing to figure out.
Jim

[sobergirl77]

Originally Posted by jimhere

I think you think too much. Quit trying to figure out the why of everything and just take the action that is put in front of you. Or don't, it is up to you. Either way, there is nothing to figure out.
Jim

I don't understand what you are getting at.

[sobergirl77]

Originally Posted by lizw

What struck me in your post is the term, 'when asked.'

How about turning up early to EVERY meeting and staying late at EVERY meeting?

How about offering rides to people? How about arranging rides in advance with people? I.e. Do you want me to pick you up later in the week?

How about making arrangements to go back to detox to visit whoever you've been to see?

How about phoning those people to see how they are that you've visited on 12 step calls?

How about getting a phone number each time you're at a meeting then phoning that person the next day to see how they are?

Dunno if you PM people on here, but how about PMing people when you relate to what they say, to thank them and share your ESH with them?

I am unsure if you've notice but most people who do this kind of stuff stay sober BUT from the outside it appears they got sober to do this stuff, when infact the opposite is true - we GET sober by doing this stuff. We can't think our way into better living but we can act our way into it.

The 'spiritual awakening' we expereince that the 12 step refers to is not only about that fact we achive soberity, but that our outlook on life changes/our personality changes so we become GIVERS rather than TAKERS.

You can't 'cure' your alcohol problem but God/Hp can, so how about you take care of the above 'earthly matters' and give God/Hp a chance to operate in your life?

If you thinking but I have nothing to give - my sponsor told me this is called self centred fear. Everyone no matter how sober can give something. That is why AA works the way it does.

In my area, I can only go to detox meetings if asked by a sponsor or by someone taking a meeting there. It's a privilege to go and I don't get to go very often. Trust me, I would LOVE to go to one every day if I could. People in there seem to identify a lot with my story. (I've been to about 3 or 4 detox meetings now). I've tried getting involved with the group that goes to jails, but I'm not allowed to until I have at least six months.

I do give rides to any woman who asks me or if I know they need one. I will not give men rides unless I know them well for safety reasons.

Thanks for these suggestions, you have reminded me that I need to get back into doing service work!

[sobergirl77]

My new sponsor is turning out to be like the others. This is the third day in a row I have not been able to get ahold of her. I swear I am so close to asking a guy to be my sponsor, these women out here sure talk a good game but they are never available when you need them!!! I am so frustrated.

[tommyk]

As a sponsor I encouage my 'sponsorship circle' of sponsees to call each other frequently, and call other people in the program.

Often times a person doesn't need to talk to their sponsor, they just need to talk to another person.

Maybe give some other people a call?

[BP44]

When I quit thinking I knew what I needed, what I needed showed up. Can you set aside anything you think you know about anything? Submitting to a way of life other than my own is not an easy thing to do. It is a simple thing to do, but not an easy thing to do. I mean honestly we are the only people in the world who given the option of alcoholic death or accept spiritual help, we want to know what an alcoholic death looks like so that we can weigh the options. Surrender is the key. I have never heard of any long time sobriety where surrender was not there. Learning the path of consideration was important for me. Instead of coming up with a response or reason why a suggestion didn't fit, I take what is offered and I sit with it for a period of time. And then I ask is this me? Does this match what I've experienced or am currently experiencing? It all takes practice.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Girl,

Did your sponsor suggest that you call her every day? Have you left messages? My sponsor can take a few days to call back if I don't tell her it's urgent that she returns the call. We have a standing date one night a week though, to talk on the phone. I do have a bunch of peeps I can call when I'm desperate..and my partner is in the program so she's always here!

Did you guys talk about each other's expectations?

[jimhere]

[QUOTE=sobergirl77;1868214]I don't understand what you are getting at.

Please don't think I'm being harsh, but I said that you think too much and try to figure out the why of everything. It is apparent in your posts. There was no hidden meaning in my comment, it means exactly what it says. I think you are making way heavy going of this deal. Sure take it seriously, but lighten up-you expect too much of yourself and of your sponsor. Relax, take it easy, don't fight, don't figure anything out. Just do what is put in front of you.

As for not being able to get ahold of your sponsor, remember that we don't get well as long as we place dependance on people ahead of dependance on God. If your sponsor is spiritually grounded, she won't be wanting you to depend on her.

And about getting another sponsor, you haven't been working with this one long enough to get any real work done. You change sponsors more than I change my socks. Stay put and do what is put in front of you.
Jim

Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

[lizw]

Originally Posted by sobergirl77

Thanks for these suggestions, you have reminded me that I need to get back into doing service work!

Get back into service???
When did you stop??

Something I probably should have added to my orginal post is that not only do we take these actions to get sober, we take them to stay sober.

I can only speak for myself and for me, there will never be a certain date or day when I stop doing service, in AA and outside of AA. There is no graduation. No award to earn. No benchmark to pass.

I will never be too sober to make coffee and put out chairs - if I am lucky I may get to be too old in AA. I will never be too sober to be a GSR or treasurer for any of my groups. And I hope I never get so big headed in my soberity that I should leave (what my head tells me) is the 'less important' jobs to newcomers.

The key to my soberity has been acceptance that my life and what happens in it, is just how god would have it. When I stopped demanding or trying to force life as it unfolded to meet my standards and expections, and just accepted it for how it was - I got sober and started to get happy.

To 'think of others' when ones own life is falling apart goes against all logical explanation, I know. But then AA doesn't promise logic. It promises a spiritual awakening.

[sobergirl77]

Originally Posted by NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Girl,

Did your sponsor suggest that you call her every day? Have you left messages? My sponsor can take a few days to call back if I don't tell her it's urgent that she returns the call. We have a standing date one night a week though, to talk on the phone. I do have a bunch of peeps I can call when I'm desperate..and my partner is in the program so she's always here!

Did you guys talk about each other's expectations?

She told me to call her every single day. I left messages the past 3 days. I told her I'm ready to do the first three steps, I finished the writing she asked me to do. Oh well, perhaps this is God's way of teaching me patience.

I'm sorry for complaining here, my original post really was just a senseless rant. The simple fact is that I don't get it. I have six days today though and that's what counts! I am going to just pray to God morning and night that He will help me "get it".

And Lizw, I worded my post wrong. I never stopped doing service work, but I had cut way back. Going without a sponsor for the past month made me miss out on some detox/shelter opportunities.

Thanks for all of your feedback. I know I will get this eventually, but I'm going to take JimHere's advice and just stop thinking about it. I'll let you all know if it works!

[AW2486]

Originally Posted by sobergirl77

She told me to call her every single day

Then you did your part of the sponsorship agreement.

Hang on to this one SG..

[sobergirl77]

Well I've called her 3 days in a row now and left messages. She has not called back. I'm done.

I guess I'm on my own once again and will have to wait to do the steps AGAIN. AGAIN.



I am seriously fed up.

[Tazman53]

Oh well, perhaps this is God's way of teaching me patience.

Sobergirl sit quietly and ask yourself "Am I willing to learn patience? Should I still be expecting every thing to happen the way I want it to happen, or should I surrender to the fact that I am not in control and let my HP take charge?"

Who knows what is up with your new sponsor, she could have had a death in the family, she may have had to go out of town. I needed and still need to keep learning that the world does not revolve around me, nothing good happens in my time, it happens in my HP's time.

I am not going to make excuses for her, she may have one, she may not. I would not throw in the towel yet, and one thing is for sure........... drinking again is not going to make her call or increase your chances at getting another sponsor if this one does not work out.

If for some reason you decide to get a male sponsor I would be prepared for a lot of men to turn you down, I would not be a womans sponsor, possibly I might be a temporary sponsor but only long enough for her to find a woman sponsor, I sure would not take a lady through the 4th & 5th steps.

If you find it absolutely a need to have a man as a sponsor please ask a much older gentleman with some long term GOOD sobriety. There is a reason women sponsor women and men sponsor men.