help with amends

[markman]

I'm having trouble with my amends. I've already made some to people who I really felt I harmed or owed money to, but some I'm not so sure about. There's an old girlfriend from 20 years ago. I didn't treat her very well, but as far as college dating goes, it was nothing out of the ordinary. Or my old boss from years ago. Everyone thought he was a jerk. I'm supposed to call him up and say I'm sorry I thought you were a jerk? He probably wouldn't even remember me. I wonder if some of the people that ended up on my list really should be there. My sponsor says that I don't have to do any that I'm not willing to do. Since I've been sober (13 months) I've done everything thats been asked of me in treatment, with my sponsor and my homegroup, but this has been nagging me.
What do you think?

[Time2Surrender]

Welcome to SoberRecovery. I think you should be talking to your sponsor about this. If you have one. If he cant help I recommend getting another one.

[CarolD]

Hi ....

this has been nagging me.
What do you think?

I wrote letters to some on my amends list
and put them in a God Can
prayed and let them alone.

When I re located several years later
I burned them.

In case you don't know what a God Can is...
I used a tall juice can ....
when troubled over something
I wrote about it ..put the paper in the can
prayed ...and that symbolized I had turned it over to God.

Certainly...check with your sponsor before proceeding.
hope this helps....

[Tommyh]

i asked myself if I harmed them first,then in what way did I harm them.
if I could see no harm,then I needed to make no amends

old flames should be approached with caution-my past experience is-once I approached a old flame and made amends,then she started writing me letters...my wife did not like the letters...it got kind of "sticky " for a while....you never can tell how they are going to respond,be carefull

[Rob B]

I have had situations like this, I prayed and meditated and got guidance, it was clear I had caused harm, some I wrote letters, some I made direct approaches.Also, Consider the harm that alcoholics cause their partner's family, I never thought about this until it was pointed out to me by my sponsor. Sounds like you are on the right path. It is good to ask questions in AA.

[tommyk]

I consider an 'amends' to be a way of amending the way I feel (guilt, sorrow?) about a prior situation and/or relationship. The way "I" feel about it, not necessarily the way someone else will feel. I don't do an amends for someone else, I do an amends for me.

I can make a 100% honest amends to ANYONE from my past by telling them honestly and earnestly that if I had the whole situation to do over again I would certainly do it differently, that I regret things happened the way they did happen, and that I am a changed person now. And I believe all of that with all of my heart & soul.

I had an old boss who was 100% a-hole, so I was 100% a-hole back. Who was right, who was wrong? Doesn't matter - I felt guilt, shame, and sorrow, even if he 'deserved' the treatment I gave him. I made an amends... no admission of right or wrong, no determining who was at fault... and I feel 100% better as a result.

For me, apologies are kind of 'bullshit', I've apologized 1,000 for the same behaviors over and over again (sound familiar ) and then went out and did them all again.

To amend a situation is to change the situation for the better, hopefully permanently.

Deep subject, I hope this helps someone.

[sugErspun]

First - I wrote each name on an index card and put the precise harm that I thought I had caused them. Then I reviewed each card with my sponsor - who I also did step 5 with. Many of the cards were thrown away - like old girlfriends, they probably don't remember me - in my head I am so important that I have an affect on every single person that I ever have come in contact with, of course if things went bad I assume I harmed them in some way...but in many many cases - there just wasn't any harm to ammend, no book to balance so to say.

Then I had my cards and was sent out to make ammends - some written, some direct, some by phone (I still have some btw) - but I pray over them, each one...asking for direction from that power which I know am in contact with. Some that have not been made are not because I can't find the person either - the light just isn't green...all in God's time, not mine. Some of these which had a red light turned green - and in retrospect I can see why, but only in retrospect. If I would have approached them any earlier - I probably would have caused more harm.

[Sugah]

This topic came up at a meeting last night, and somewhere around here, there's a thread about a "finished 9th step" - and thoughts related to whether or not it's ever finished.

I had a lot of names on my 8th step list that I was willing to carry through, however, it wasn't always possible to find those folks - or know if approaching them would cause them more harm. I'm willing, so if my HP puts them in my path, I will do my best to make amends without causing further harm. So, direct amends to them might not be possible. What do I do with that? I work on indirect amends. If I harmed someone in a friendship or a relationship, I pray for guidance to be a better friend or partner. I don't beat myself up, become a martyr, let anyone walk on me, put up with crap that no one should put up with, but I do strive to be honest, communicate clearly and offer help selflessly.

Often, I have folks on my list where a simple act or simple words to make amends feel like taking the easy way out. I always use my children as an example. I put them through a lot. I was not a responsible mother. I was not a good listener. I didn't think about their welfare. Taking them to Chuck E Cheese and telling them I'm sorry didn't make up for all of that, so I make amends not only by staying sober every day, but also by being a better parent. In early recovery, I felt so guilty, I let them get away with things that I shouldn't have because my guilt wouldn't allow me to set boundaries that would keep them safe and teach them responsibility. When I began the amends process - and explained, in language they could understand, what I was doing - they did not take to it with enthusiasm! But, by consistently fulfilling my role as a parent and parenting with their best interest at heart, I've got, five years later, four respectful and more-or-less responsible young folks under my roof.

(I know that the above paragraph doesn't have much to say about the original topic, but I felt compelled to say it.)

Pray. Talk to your sponsor. Bring it up as a topic in a meeting. Be willing. Those are my suggestions. Oh - and remember that this is a process, and, as I heard last night, a practice session for the next step - the 10th - so that we can begin seeing what it looks like when our side of the street is clean. Unless we know what it looks like, how can we get it and keep it that way?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[BP44]

My sponsor was very direct with me on my 8th step. The most important word is ALL. Now, there are some on the list that have priority, there are some that are going to take time, like paying the money back. Then there are a number of them particularly from the sex inventory that are on the back burner. He said, " we will approach these at a later date, start on the priority list, when that's done, let me know" There will be some on the back burner that the best thing I can do for them is to never enter their life again. The making of amends for me is not about me getting free, it's about them getting free. My job is to do what I can to make the books balance. My 4th column in inventory was very clear, this is the harm I have caused. Amends has nothing to do with the other person's actions. If I am still saying,"well that person was a jerk too", then I haven't found the 4th column. Inventory directs me to totally disregard what the other person has done and look for where we have been wrong. Amends is about saying I was wrong and I have harmed YOU, how can I make this right?

[ananda]

Thanks BP44...I am barely started in amends since my last drink. I have struggled alot with this step. I am still learning from work with my sponsor and sharing with other alchoholics to understand things. There are many people who I wished ill in my head, but never actually took bad action against. I did not harm them. However sometimes the thoughts lead me to bad actions that I was totally unaware of toward people I never considered.

for instance...I had a resentment against George Bush, he was the first person on my resentment list...and I am being serious here....I never harmed Bush, but my attitude ment that I made comments in the workplace to people who I supervise that should not have been made. In my position of power over them in certain respects, I created an atmosphere that may have made them uncomforable, but unable to be able to say anything to me.

That is the harm I caused and make amends for.

I also heard that sometimes the best amend I can make is to leave someone the f alone.

Amends are for me definately about the other person, not me. correcting the error where I can, not trying to be forgiven. Easing the suffering I have caused, not the my own suffering.

Thanks for sharing.

[lizw]

Great topic.

My ESH has been that as long as I don't say NO NEVER with making amends, I'll be alright. So I may have the attitude, I don't want to do it but should the opportunity present it self I will.

I've 2 from my 1st ever amends list that I have never made amends to.
My daughters father.
My grandfather.

All my other amends I tracked the people down (bar a couple I could not find) and made the amends, made arrangements to pay the money etc...

There was one guy I couldn't pay (at the time) but I sort him out last year and tried to pay him and he wouldn't take it. He also found it hard to believe that I'd actually be doing things with my life, these last 10 years or so. Lol. It reminded me of how I use to be - just a total waster.

I've my 'justifactions' as to why I have not made amends to these other 2 guys, wether these are vaild or not, I don't know, but I have always thought right circumstances, right time then I'll do it. I'm just not willing to go out of my way and create the situation.

So for me, it's the NO NEVER attitude that would provide me with a problem and I believe send me back drinking.

[Tommyh]

amends can sometimes take a strange turn
we never know where they will lead us
God is in charge of my amends and I have had some start out as a simple amends and wind up 3 people later in a way I never could have expected.

[Tazman53]

but this has been nagging me.

Mark if this has been nagging you then some sort of action is needed on your part...... please do not grab the phone yet!!!! LOL

There have been some excellent experiences and advice shared here, take them all into consideration and then talk with your sponsor, let him know they are nagging at you, follow his suggestions, I would almost bet money that they will fall in line with what has been suggested here.

Read chapter 6 on amends and pray.... then talk to your sponsor.

[markman]

Thanks for all the advice. Since starting down this recovery road I decided that I would just do what I was told and not over think things. Worked okay so far so I'll stick with it. If my sponsor says to do the amends, then I will. The reason why will probably become apparent.

[Tazman53]

Since starting down this recovery road I decided that I would just do what I was told and not over think things.

That worked for me, do not get me wrong, I was not a zombie blindly following suggestions, I asked questions, but I did not argue, in many cases at first I had to have faith that the experience and strength of my sponsor and other folks in AA with some good solid sobriety were the way to go even though at the time it did not make sense to me, with time I learned that they knew what they were talking about and began to develop an understanding of what I needed to know and do. I still have a long way to go, much to learn and lots to experience and walk through, but none of it do I have to do alone.