My Life IS Unmanageable

[sobergirl77]

It hit me today that my life is unmanageable even in sobriety. As an example, I have no idea what I'm doing. I have some decisions I need to make about an extra apartment I have sitting unused in another part of the country, and I can't figure out what to do. (Part of my decision revolves around the fact that I will need to drive up to New England with such little sobriety time, but it needs to be done soon, and I don't know how I will handle it). I still don't know how to effectively deal with stress. I don't know what the "next right thing" that people speak about in meetings is.

I just have no idea what I am supposed to do next... people say not to change anything for the first several months of recovery, but unfortunately I have things that need to be dealt with in the next couple of months.

So I have realized with a certainty today that my life IS unmanageable. Even sober.

And on top of everything else, I had another relapse on Wednesday. I'm beginning day 2 again. I have yet another failure to add to my list of them. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be doing my 5th step with someone, upon which time I will head home and do steps 6 and 7 (like the BB says). And no, I still don't have a sponsor. Nobody seems to want to work with me and I really have no idea what I should do about that.

What on earth am I supposed to do next? I am admitting that I cannot manage my own life. Am I supposed to trust that God will show me the next right thing? Or what exactly?

I don't think it's possible to get any more confused than I already am now. I used to think I was a very intelligent person, but apparently I am quite the opposite.

[bostonluv]

I have no advise. Too new at this and I feel similar. I'll be interested to hear what others have to say. I don't think you're a failure though. You're being sooooo hard on yourself.

[CarolD]

How about contacting a real estate professional
for advice on the other apartment?

Sponsors? Keep asking in meetings.

Often the next right thing is simply to
take the best care of yourself as possible
A good walk or a swim ..a hair cut.
.
It's being kind to a stranger.
It's taking time to pray
It's sitting next to a newcomer at meetings

It's really listening to the Serenity Prayer
and living it....

Just thinking aloud....:

[bballdad]

I felt the same way when i was new,and talked it over with my sponsor
his reply
make a decision,time will tell if you are right or wrong
if you are wrong,don`t do it again

[debs4321]

I heard something this weekend at a Emotional SObriety workshop in Akron.

1st. step

Powerless = Life with Alcohol
Unmanageable = Life without alcohol


Made me think for a minute.

[findingout]

The next right thing? It will never be picking up a drink.

Sometimes, I have a difficult time with the simplicity of recovery. I want well thought out, complicated plans that address every issue I have or will have or might have and I want them today. I want iron clad guarantees, I want them in writing, and I want someone to blame when things don't turn out exactly as I think they should while leaving plenty of room for me to take all the credit for anything that does. I want no surprises but please don't trap me into a mind numbing routine. I want the benefits of a spiritual discipline without the spiritual discipline, the promises without working the steps and, by the way, I'd like to win my state's lottery without even buying a ticket.

Sometimes, I have a difficult time staying in today. There are so many things that I have to do in the next couple of months and the next couple of years and so many things that I would rather do or should do or could do that I can get lost mapping out paths though the possible futures. I also have a tendency to pick the worst possible outcome I can think of and run with it, imaging all of the even worse things that could happen if the next bad possible thing happened, and then the still worse things that could happen after that. If I keep this up long enough, I'm not only off the beam of recovery, I am not even in the same state.

I have a list of wants three times as long as your arm but what I need is to stay sober and trust the world will keep spinning and clocks will keep running without my direct intervention. My life is not unmanageable as long as the only thing I am trying to manage is me. I can do the next right thing and I can control my reactions to things which I no control over. I can hope and pray for better things for myself, for the people in my life and the larger world, but I can't always make them happen and I can't use my unmet and/or unrealistic expectations as an excuse to drink.

One day at a time. It starts with not drinking but really, it is absolutely the only way I can live my life.

[AW2486]

Originally Posted by sobergirl77

I don't know what the "next right thing" that people speak about in meetings is.

It is the action we must take to stay sober. When we want to do something that we know we shouldn't .. With support we try to do the the exact opposite.

Life is still going to be life. Up's & downs, frustrations & serenity, and it always will be that way. It's all about how we deal with it. I go to meetings, read a lot of recovery stuff, pray a lot, work with others. Gives me a better frame of mind to make the right decisions in life.

Hang in there SG.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Hi Girl,

If I were you hon, I would go back to Step 1 after finding a sponsor to walk through this with you. I am concerned that you are working the Steps without one. It's very easy for for us to do things the way WE WANT TO DO THEM, and having another person who's worked the Steps really gives you a perspective on things that you might not have had before. I know that this was the case with me. It's hard to use the tools of the program if nobody is showing you how to use them.

I remember that you've had a hard time finding a sponsor, but there's gotta be someone, anyone, who would be willing. What about the person who you did the 5th with?

Hang in there..

[Tazman53]

Sobergirl did you call someone in the program before you drank?

Have you shared in a meeting that you need a sponsor?

Are you avoiding asking someone to be your sponsor because you are scared they will suggest you do something you do not want to do? Like calling at least 3 people a day in the program and calling her?

The reason I mentioned calling people is because I was ready and willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober when I came out of detox. I was willing to follow suggestions!!! In detox they suggested going to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor!

Well I followed that suggestion.

The sponsor (Temporary sponsor) I got the day I got out of detox gave me a set of suggestions that had worked for him to stay sober. Among those suggestions was the suggestion to call him and 2 other people in the program every day!!!!

I hated calling people!!! I only called my mother when she was alive on her Birthday and Christmas!!! I loved my mother dearly, but I hated talking on the phone so much that I only called her twice a year except emergencies.

Well I was willing to do what ever was suggested to me to stay sober! I started asking guys for thier phone numbers and actually calling my sponsor and 2 other AA folks every day!!!! Guess what? The people I called were glad I had called them and I actually started to like calling folks and talking on the phone, either about the program or life in general!!!

I was about 2 months sober when I came so close to drinking it was not funny!!! Guess what? I stopped my truck and I called someone in the program, BEFORE I drank!!!! I did not drink, I stayed sober.

Sobergirl a sponsor is not supposed to be your friend! They are not a cheer leader for you.

A sponsor is some one to help you work the steps, they are someone to share thier ES&H with you and to give you suggestions of how to stay sober based upon how they stayed sober. They are some one that you trust.

You say your life is unmanageable...... well as long as you keep running your life it will probably remain that way until you really become willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober.

If you are drinking before you call someone in the program, then you are not willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober! Whether you want to admit it or not, you want to drink more then you want to not drink.

Sobergirl I am not saying this to be mean, I have been right where you are at right now, my mouth said I want to not drink, but my will was still in charge and even though I said I want to stop drinking, I was still not willing to do what ever it took to stay stopped.

I love you sobergirl, that is why I am saying what I am saying, I am praying that you will try some of my suggestions as well as the suggestions of others.

I will not suggest to you a single thing that did not help me to stay sober.

Get a sponsor!!! Not a friend, not someone who will just smile and grin when you ignore their suggestions, not someone who is going to beleive everything you say when it is BS.

Do you really want to not drink? Follow suggestions and stop doing things your way, your way is obviously not working, surrender to the fact that you need to follow suggestions because you do not know how to stay sober.

[tommyk]

"What on earth am I supposed to do next?"


Read Tazman's post ^. Concentrate on it.

Are you working a YOU program, or are you working THE program as it is intended?

(From everything I've learned, when someone relapses they need to start over at Step 1 because something obviously wasn't grasped the first time around.)

Keep coming back.

[sugErspun]

I think Step One just sank in Sobergirl. If I follow correctly:

You can't control how much you drink when you start
You can't stay away from taking the first drink
and
The times when you have been shortly sober - life doesn't get any easier or better.

I relate completely. I know for an absolute certainty that the practice of calling someone before you take that drink is impossible at times (not 'difficult' but IMPOSSIBLE - it can't/won't happen) .The only choice is to take that drink - this is alcoholism, it cannot be controlled or managed, the thought of making a call that you normally would make will not even come to mind). I have heard it referred to as the one-ton phone that is 'hard' to pick up. A one-ton phone is impossible to pickup without a power greater than yourself to help (maybe a forklift or something could lift a ton (2000 pouds right?).

This isn't failure- it's the truth of a condition that you probably will never have any control over. This realization, deflation - is a hard thing to go through, but - it has this flip-side that is incredibly wonderful and freeing and quite frankly - makes no logical sense whatsoever. This has nothing to do with intelligence, mental weakness or anything of the sort. You have a disease that calls the shots in your life, and as it's said- it gets WORSE, never better.

I have a suggestion, you can take it or leave it. There has to be someone you know, or have heard talk at an AA meeting - maybe they don't know you, but you know them. Share what you shared here - and ask for help. Forget about the fifth step - cancel it. It's useless at this time. Start over at step one - the way you feel now, sober. With someone who is your SPONSOR or STEP GUIDE and the relationship is clear and defined.

A little of my experience (it has been shared before, but it's worth repeating). The last time I drank - I had been sober for over 14 months. I have no recollection of thinking about drinking, wanting to drink, considering a drink. I literally found myself about 1/2 way through a bottle of vodka and said to myself "What the f*ck happened". By that time the allergy was full blown and there was no way I was gonna stop. I drank non-stop for 4 or 5 days, I made phone calls to AA members during that time and told them what happened, asked for help.

They loved me enough to let me keep drinking. I got so sick, I thought I was gonna die- and I really did not want to, but I knew it would happen. I checked into the ER - they got my blood pressure down and gave me some medication to take over the next few days so I wouldn't seizure or have a stroke - not quite DT's - but hardcore withdrawls.

My girlfriend's apartment building has two keys - one for the main entrance and one to the apartment. She had to go to work over those next few days, but she took my wallet, keys and shoes so I wouldn't leave the apartment. She administered the meds as the doctor said to. Up until that point, I had told her about alcohol problems in the past, but generally I was a guy who 'didn't drink anymore'. After 4 days I was feeling good enough to walk and take a shower - and eat.

I was desperate to never had this happen again - I called a number and was willing to do whatever was suggested. The number was a guy who became my sponsor - I had never met him, didn't know who he was or anything - I was THAT desperate and scared, rattled to the bone.

I went there to work with him, I knew it was AA of course - but I didn't know what AA was (and I had been going to meetings for 6+ years. We went through the book, doing what it said and talking a lot - asking a lot of questions. If it said to do something, we did it. We met one hour per week for about 10 months and I had gone through all the steps (I still have some ammends to make- but that's no reason to avoid 10,11 and 12.

At the first step - when I realized that I could not choose to drink, and could not choose NOT to drink (no matter what), it was a revelation (to me). It was not knowledge, it was not a verbal statement I made. It was a dark feeling that I felt cover my world - I AM DOOMED TO DRINK AGAIN AND UNLESS A MIRACLE HAPPENS ,I WILL DIE THIS WAY.

The miracle happened, and continues - the world makes sense! To me, I am comfortable and at peace. and I am a guy who will die if he drinks but still picks up that drink, with little or no thought.


Like I was told "You never have to drink again if you don't want to - but it's not gonna be your way. It will be revealed to you."

Take care - and try not to beat yourself up too much.


Thank you for posting.

[sobergirl77]

Originally Posted by NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hi Girl,

If I were you hon, I would go back to Step 1 after finding a sponsor to walk through this with you. I am concerned that you are working the Steps without one.

Actually I did steps 1-3 with 2 different sponsors that I had at the time on 2 separate occasions, I didn't do them "officially" alone. Step 4 I did with a woman sponsor who has too many sponsees already. I'm doing my 5th step with another woman sponsee who doesn't seem to be taking anyone new on right now. 6 and 7 are supposed to be done at home alone, if followed by the book correctly.

I'm very close to just giving up the program.

[Time2Surrender]

I have yet to see anyone whos life is completly managable in early recovery. I know you want this and I also know you can do this. Please dont ever give up. Personally I feel all the steps should be done with a sponsor. 6 and 7 are all about growth for me.

[sobergirl77]

Thanks for your responses. I'm pretty disappointed to see it's the same ones I always get though.

The thing is, I tried all of your suggestions the last several times they were given. I got a new sponsor who dumped me within a few days. 2 others I was considering don't have time, they have too many sponsees already.

You guys told me I shouldn't do my 4th step back before I did it because I was only 2 days sober. Well, I did it anyway and it was a HUGE relief and blessing off my shoulders. To this day I do not have any resentments. I also had my longest sober run ever.

I am so eager to do steps 5 6 and 7 for the same reason - I need to do them, I need to get this stuff out of my head and heart and mind.

I just don't understand why I need to wait once again for the relief that is promised when one does the steps. Wait for someone to have time to sponsor me and go back through 1-3, which I do every SINGLE morning in prayer with my HP. Step 4 again when I don't HAVE any resentments (and when I get one, I immediately pray for the person for the next few nights until it goes away).

I just don't know what do do now... I'm more confused then ever.

[sobergirl77]

Originally Posted by Time2Surrender

I have yet to see anyone whos life is completly managable in early recovery. I know you want this and I also know you can do this. Please dont ever give up. Personally I feel all the steps should be done with a sponsor. 6 and 7 are all about growth for me.

In the big book it clearly says to be alone for steps 6 and 7. Not that I have anything against someone who chooses to do otherwise. I am just trying to do it as close to the book as possible.

[navysteve]

just have no idea what I am supposed to do next... people say not to change anything for the first several months of recovery, but unfortunately I have things that need to be dealt with in the next couple of months.

Change away. That is not a hard rule of early sobriety.

Part of practicing turning things over to a higher power can be done by trusting Doctors, Lawyers, Real Estate Brokers to do their jobs...

Why can't you get a sponsor if you don't mind me asking???

I still don't know how to effectively deal with stress. I don't know what the "next right thing" that people speak about in meetings is.

That next right thing is one of those mantras that still gets to me at times as well and I have been around awhile. The only next right thing I know to do is practice the steps in all my affairs. The word practice implies that I will make mistakes.

Why do you have to drive to New England???? Can you delegate the job to someone else in the field????

You guys told me I shouldn't do my 4th step back before I did it because I was only 2 days sober. Well, I did it anyway and it was a HUGE relief and blessing off my shoulders. To this day I do not have any resentments. I also had my longest sober run ever.

Good for you!!!!!!!! I am happy that you did not listen to that advice. There is no time table in the Big Book for working steps. But may I ask why your sponsor fired you???

Who are you taking your fifth step with?

[sobergirl77]

navysteve, My first sponsor wanted me to wait to take any steps. She also did not ever answer the phone. My second sponsor gossiped about me behind my back to others, she became unavailable when I was ready to do my 4th step and fired me when I chose someone else to do it with. The last woman was told by her sponsor (who coincidentally enough is my 1st sponsor) that she isn't ready to take on new sponsees. The woman I did my 4th step with has too many sponsees already. The woman I'm supposed to do my 5th step with today has the same problem.

I have to go up to NH myself because it's an apartment I rent. I have lived out there for 6 years but recently relocated to the south/mid west. I still kept the apartment though because I wasn't sure if I'd stay here permanently. But now I need to unload it because it's a waste of money, and my rent is going up here. So I myself have to get out there and pack up. I'm going to have movers bring my stuff out here, but I have to go. There are too many loose ends to tie up out there for me not to.

I'm sorry for getting so frustrated on this thread, I am going to remove myself now from this discussion. Clearly I do not know anything. The only thing I can do is keep trying.

In answer to your questions, Tazman, yes, I called people, I went to a meeting that day, I did everything I'm supposed to do but still drank. I prayed and prayed. The arguing forces in my head were too much to take and I gave up. I knew from the first drink I took that it was a terrible failure and mistake, and I didn't even get drunk, only had 5 drinks, but stopped caring because it hurt too much to care and know that I failed yet again.

Thanks for all of your replies on here.

[miss communicat]

Originally Posted by sobergirl77

Actually I did steps 1-3 with 2 different sponsors that I had at the time on 2 separate occasions, I didn't do them "officially" alone.

I'm very close to just giving up the program.

I'd stay on Steps 1 - 2 -3 if I were in your shoes Girl.
And I'd live into them deeply, not "do" them as a drive-thru thing. There is a difference.

[Tazman53]

sobergirl what we are trying to share with you is the way that worked for us.

Whether you want to admit it or not, you may have steps 1 & 2 down pat, but read step 3 and tell me honestly that you are no longer running the show?

You are working the program your way, not the way described in the BB:

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

Are you following the path as they did? Or are you doing it Sobergirls way?

Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves

Have you completely given yourself over to this simple program HONESTLY? Or are you still trying to do the program your way?

I could not stop drinking working my program my way, I had to work the program the way others had worked it and it worked for me. Until I surrendered to the fact totally that my way did not work, I spent years relapsing.

[Tazman53]

In the big book it clearly says to be alone for steps 6 and 7. Not that I have anything against someone who chooses to do otherwise. I am just trying to do it as close to the book as possible.

You know I had to make sure I was not going crazy so I went back to the BB and there is not a single word in there stating that steps 6 & 7 are to be done alone, the alone part is the final part of step 5.

It does say once were are down with step 5:

If we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at Step Six.

There is a big difference between "look" and "worked"

Right after what I quoted it says the following:

We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all, everyone? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.

Simply pray for the willingness to work the steps the way others have worked them who found long term sobriety.

Surrender and become a victor.

I do have a question for you, if you work through all 12 steps Sobergirls way and you continue to drink who or what will you blame?

[sobergirl77]

I will blame myself like I always do.

Tazman, page 75 of the BB, Fourth Edition says:

"Returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better. Taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the twelve steps. [...]"

Myself and others in the program I know (with many, many years of sobriety) interpret this to mean that after telling someone our fifth step, we go home (alone) and do 6 and 7.

See, that is another thing that confuses the hell out of me, everyone has their own interpretation of the big book and program.

I am calling the woman to cancel my 5th step right now.

I blame myself, and myself only for being such a complete and utter fool I can't get such a "simple" program. And yes, I am pitying myself right now, I am so full of anger and disgust at myself for not being able to get this. I am a complete and utter failure of a human being. It doesn't matter that I am intelligent and have been successful in accomplishing most of my life goals. I can't get a simple damn program and am a complete and utter failure and probably doomed to death via the bottle.

Like I said, I am removing myself from this thread, I have failed in the program and that is all there is to it. I am only grateful that despite my self-disgust right now, I don't want to drink. And I won't drink today.

Thanks for your answers here and I apologize that you wasted your time!

[RufusACanal]

Sobergirl,

As long as you make what others say and do your excuses, you will drink. So drink. Drink until you are done. I for one will be waiting on your return because I care for you. You are not unique, you just are not ready to stop drinking.

Much love.

[navysteve]

Sobergirl,
I hope you don't get too frustrated. It seems that we may be one of your only avenues for sobriety. I applaud the fact that you went ahead and worked on the steps even without a sponsor. There were thousands of early AA's who did the same thing as you. Over 6000 got sober off the Big Book alone. Someone had to start the first meetings. Keep coming back

[kj3880]

Sobergirl: A bend in the road is not the end of the road!!!

I can't tell you what to do. I won't give you any advice but I'll share some experience, strength and hope with you if you want to listen:

I had a real problem finding a good woman to sponsor me. I still do. I looked in AA and NA. All the women had not enough time, were younger than my children (which they seem to think is a problem, I was open to it), or they had too many sponsees right now.

Finally I found a lady who seemed appropriate only to have to fire her the next day when she told my son (who is emotionally ill) about my pill problem after I'd asked her not to do so. So I don't really have a sponsor.

Here's how I handle that: I have a really good home group. We ll get together at least once a week after a meeting and several members help me with my step work. I have 4 months off the drugs and now I am on step 4. I have 3 of the young ladies that have more than a year clean who I call a lot. In my first few weeks, I called them every day. Every time I needed to. I had about 10 other members that I wasn't that close to but I would call them in a pinch to talk if I was afraid or had a craving. I wasn't too proud. And someone either picked up the phone or got right back to me. I leaned on them for a while until I was strong enough and the desire to get high had passed.

I'm much happier now. I have fun without getting high. I'm determined that I'm going to stick around NA when I've over a year, so others don't have as much trouble as I did finding a sponsor.

So that's my story, or part of it. I also had to dump a b/f early in sobriety when he wouldn't quit drinking. That was a tough time, too.

I hope that helped you. Feel free to PM me, I would like to talk with you any time.
KJ

[sobergirl77]

Just a quick update... I found a new sponsor who today who is going to start me over from Step 1 today. I'm also on my way out the door to do a 12-step call with her. (Not my idea!) But she is hardcore and doesn't take any BS.

I'm still confused and frustrated but I'm willing to start over again.