Detaching from sponsees

[Rowan]

I've begun working with two young women in the program. Both have relapsed frequently in the past. I had become particularly close to one of them and I'm pretty sure she's drinking again - I can't get a hold of her, and we had plans today.

I'm pretty new to sponsoring, and am not sure the best way to handle this. I've left messages with both, and figured that's where I should leave it. Pray for them. Get out of their way and let them hit their bottom without my help, etc.

But I've been emotionally affected by this. I'm not taking the relapses personally, but it hurts just the same. I have a genuine affection for these two young ladies.

Can anyone identify? If so, I would appreciate it if you would share your own experiences.

[benblesed5]

It sounds as though you have a handle on it and understand that you cannot control what they choose to do. Setting boundaries, keeping emotions in tact can be difficult. They know you are there for them when and if they get ready to come back, hooefully they will choose to help themselves, but it is up to them to work the program.

I spent many a sleepless night with some in the program who wanted to talk the talk but not walk the walk. After a while I learned that to continue dialogue with them while they were still actively drinking was not helping them or me. Being honest, blunt, and setting those boundaries in that when they are ready to put action in the program I would go to any length to help, was the only thing I found that worked with alcoholics like me.

Many come into the program, but few actually work it. Take care of YOU, continue to live your life sober, and all will fall into place.

[AW2486]

Ive sponsored 3 people.

1st one got drunk right away and moved.
2nd one stayed sober a few years. got drunk and committed suicide
3rd one just got his 1 year on the 4th of July.

After the 2nd one died. I didn't want to sponsor anymore. But I heard a speaker say if you stick with the front cover to page 164 of the big book you can't hurt anybody. That's what I did with the 3rd one and am ready to sponsor more.

That's been my experience Rowan.

We are not responsible to keep them sober. But when asked we are responsible to show them the program of recovery outlined in the Big book. That is the lesson I learned.

Good Luck

[bballdad]

I had one guy disappear once,I went by his house,knocked on his front door,called his home and cell phones,left messages.He just would not answer.3 months later he killed himself.I did all I could,and it hurt to go see him dead at his funeral.I went to High School with him,and I had know him almost all my life.

Another one other went and got drunk and ended up under a bridge.He later got 2 DWI`S
Last one he got was because he was in a wreck and hurt a man in May 08.The man is still in a coma,and if he dies,word is x-sponsee will be tried for 2nd degree murder.

3 more got drunk and are in prison
lost track of many others who got drunk
some have gotten sober and stayed sober
some got sober and then fired me
one sponsee got sober and has fired me 3 times since 1990...lol...quite a unusual story there.....we still lov each other today...but we cannot have a sponsor/sponsee relationship.

The lesson I learned is I am not responsible for what they do.They are.I still care about the guys and hate to see them ruin their life when something much better is here for the taking if they would reach out and get it.It`s hard to not care about them.

[lizw]

Everyone I know sponsors people a little differently, including myself, it's a matter of finding what feels comfortable for you, as long as your trying to start them on the steps your doing well.

I always find it helpful to remember it keeps me sober. The relationship is not about me bestowing my greatness (or wisedom) on another, like my head says it is, but rather a mutally beneficually relationship, that dies a natural death if it isn't mutally benefical.

The BB talks about this somewhere, maybe working with others, as it says 'you and your new man must walk this spiritual path together everyday.' So sponsee learns from sponsor but sponsor also learns from sponsee.

The to can or not to can a sponsee who is drinking is a great AA debate and the answer varies from person to person. There are as many examples of people who were canned then got sober, than there is AA members who kept drinking and their sponsors got them reading the doctors opinion for 6 months, then they got sober....so again, everyone just finds what suits them.

I've had my own sponsor for 4/5 years now and she is more like a trusted friend, I hope in time I become this with people I sponsor and because I have been sober a little while now, I tned to sponsor people who have soberity rather than people who are trying to stop or just stopped drinking.

Lately I've been thinking I need to get me a newcomer though.

[tommyk]

I learned the hard way not to get too close too fast.

Cynical? Yes.

Realistic? Unfortunately also yes.

My first responsibility as a sponsor is to encourage meeting attendance and get them started on the 12 steps. I call it "Leading the horse to water... and seeing if it takes a drink."

(My very first sponsee died of a heroin overdose.)

[lostmdboy]

I just have gotten my first sponcee, and hope I can help him. My sponcer tells me I will do great. I just prey everyday for the right words to say to him.

[Signal30]

When I first started sponsoring the guy I sponsor, the first week, he wouldn't call me everyday, and missed a day we were supposed to meet for step work.


I finally got a hold of him after our missed appointment and told him that he said he was going to make soberiety his top priority but his actions were telling me differently. I then advised him that he needed to take a day to think over what he was going to do because I'm not going to waste my time trying to help a man who really doesent want it.

He called me the next day, apologized, and follows the program, (sometimes better then I do.)

I tell it like it is. If you want my help, I pay little attention to words and focus more on the actions. (How reliable were your promises as a newcomer?) If their actions say, "I really don't want to stop drinking", then I move on to someone who does.


Tom

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Ro,

I think you are doing what you need to do.

I'm having sponsee trouble myself..

My sponsor has told me in the past..make that one phonecall, then it's up to them to take it from there.

((Rowan))

[jimhere]

This may seem cold, but it is the approach I've taken. "If you don't care, I can't. But if you care just a little bit, I can't help but to care."

My first sponsor told me that he loved me so much that if I needed to go drink myself to death, he wouldn't het in my way. He also told that if I wanted to get well he would walk to the gates of hell with me. But if I didn't want to get well, I'd have to go to hell by myself.

I've learned a lot about detachment from my Al-Anon friends. Detachment is not a cold, unemotional approach. It is the highest form of love. It is love that loves another for who that person is, as they are. It expects nothing in return, in fact I don't expect the people I sponsor to stay sober. Staying sober is a lot to ask from an alcoholic.

I've also seen sick interdependant relationships develop between sponsors and sponsorees. I don't want people to depend on me like that. I remind them that their real dependance is upon God and that my goal is to get them free of me as soon as possible.

Detachment is not easy to practice, because as has been said, it is heartbreaking to watch another die the living death of alcoholism. So paradoxically, this love that seems to ask nothing has conditions. I got this from an Al-Anon friend. I think I've posted it here before, but I'll post it again for those of you who haven't seen it.

1. I will not help you stay & wallow in your own sickness.
2. I cannot give you dreams or "fix you up," simply because I can't.
3. I cannot give you growth or grow for you. You must grow yourself, by facing reality,
grim as it may be at times.
4. I cannot take away your loneliness or pain.
5. I cannot convince you of the crucial choice of choosing the scary uncertainty of
growing over the safe misery of not growing.
6. I want to know you as a friend, yet I can't get close to you when you refuse to grow.
7. When I begin to care for you out of pity then I am toxic and inhibiting for you and you
for me.
8. You must know-my help is conditional. I will walk with you as long as I continue to get
even the slightest hint that you are trying to grow.

Jim

[Jfanagle]

Over the years I have been called "sponsor" by quite a few, and I actively continue to work with 4 sober members of the fellowship, one as long as 8 years and two with over 5 years. I learn more from them than I give them. There have been too many to name who I have been asked to sponsor and I have listened to quite a few 5TH steps. Those who wanted it badly enough have stayed sober with or without me.

I always start out with a new sponsee by telling them I can't get you sober, nor can I keep you sober. The fellowship, your God, and perseverance will do that. I am just the guide through the steps when you want me. I can't tell you if you should get married,(actually had one fellow want me to give him permission), I won't be your pal or your Dad or brother, just one ex-drunk telling you what I have encountered on the road of sober living.

I have always made a point of telling a new fellow that if you call me AFTER you have been drinking I will hang up, but will gladly take your call after you sober up.

If a sponsee calls me BEFORE they are going to drink I have a deal with them. It is as follows; if you can convince me why drinking will help what ever problem you have I will buy, and if drinking actually fixes the problem I will drink with you!

Never have had to buy, and I am still sober, so far.

I AM JUST NOT THAT POWERFUL AS A SPONSOR; they need to take up staying sober with GOD.

Jon

[lizw]

Originally Posted by jimhere

I've learned a lot about detachment from my Al-Anon friends. Detachment is not a cold, unemotional approach. It is the highest form of love. It is love that loves another for who that person is, as they are. It expects nothing in return, in fact I don't expect the people I sponsor to stay sober. Staying sober is a lot to ask from an alcoholic.

I just wanted to echo that the way I sponsored people changed in a huge way after I started going to Al Anon. And like Jim said I now have the approach, if you want help to get well I will do anything to help you but if you want to keep drinking, your on your own but let me know when you finally want help and I'll be there. And I do this with no resentment.

I don't 'fire' sponsees either. If the situation suggests the relationship is too much for me to deal with, I resign as their sponsor and suggest an alternative. I've managed to stay friendly with a few because of this approach too.

I also use to get 'mad' with them if they weren't following my directions but these days I let it go and the situation amends itself or they finally get in enough emotional pain to listen to reason.

I suppose I believe that while I may be party to their soberity, at the end of the day their soberity/life is between them and god/hp - I'm just a messenger.

[navysteve]

I

'm pretty new to sponsoring, and am not sure the best way to handle this. I've left messages with both, and figured that's where I should leave it. Pray for them. Get out of their way and let them hit their bottom without my help, etc.

But I've been emotionally affected by this. I'm not taking the relapses personally, but it hurts just the same. I have a genuine affection for these two young ladies.

I hope you don't let this experience sour your future endeavors to sponsoring. Detaching does not mean not feeling. It is sad to watch alcoholics pick up again. It sounds like you are taking the correct action.

I remind them that their real dependance is upon God and that my goal is to get them free of me as soon as possible.

That is important for me to remember as a sponsor. I am just a conduit to an infinite God. My job is to introduce them to that God. I need to remember this as much as I need to instill it into the men I sponsor. I cannot keep or get them sober. I can only show what I did.

As far as not speaking to people when drinking, I take my guidance from the Big Book ( page 9).

[Tazman53]

Great shares so far, I will just add my experience.

1. First sponsee seemed to be doing very well as far as calling and talking went, but seemed able to only attend one meeting a week. The week after he picked up 6 months he called me to say he did not have time to make the one meeting a week and he wanted to thank me for being his sponsor. I have not heard from him since, I have no idea whether he is still sober or not, but I did let him know my door and the door of AA was always open for him. This shook me a bit, but my sponsor asked me "Are you still sober?".

2. This young man and I went through all the steps, he has over a year sober now and has a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face, we are good friends and he will be getting married at the end of this month. We walk the path together as equals, me sharing my expereince with him and he with I.

3. This gentleman is stuck on step 3, we are working on it together, he is doing well, he will be pickiing up 3 months very soon.

4. This gent I am his sponsor in name only, his lawyer suggested he get a sponsor before he went to court....... he is in jail right now, but he went there with almost 2 months sober.

All I can do is show them the path I took using the first 164 pages of the BB and the 12X12. They help me stay sober just as much as I do them.

I hold out the hand of AA, if they want it they take it, if they don't...... I can still love them..... I will just choose not to join them.

[Music]

Originally Posted by Rowan

I've begun working with two young women in the program. Both have relapsed frequently in the past. I had become particularly close to one of them and I'm pretty sure she's drinking again - I can't get a hold of her, and we had plans today.

I'm pretty new to sponsoring, and am not sure the best way to handle this. I've left messages with both, and figured that's where I should leave it. Pray for them. Get out of their way and let them hit their bottom without my help, etc.

But I've been emotionally affected by this. I'm not taking the relapses personally, but it hurts just the same. I have a genuine affection for these two young ladies.

Can anyone identify? If so, I would appreciate it if you would share your own experiences.

As Al-anon suggests, I try to detach with love. I'm only the messenger. What happens after I deliver the message with love and prayer is not up to me. I still love and care for my pigeons, some of whom I haven't heard from in years but I still keep them in my prayers and am ready at any time to be of service to them. That's all I can do. The sponsor and pigeon relationship is just that. It's a relationship and is subject to the same happiness and heartaches as any other relationship. Healing takes place with time. How much time? Only God knows.