Scared about 4th step

[scaredykat]

Hi everyone,

I've been very nervous about the 4 step on and off all week. I'll be starting a 4th step in the next couple of weeks. It seems like each step gets harder and harder. I'm actually a little nervous about writing this on this forum because there tends to be a lot of arguments and conflicts on a lot of the threads here. I don't like to get involved in that because arguing scares me since i was a child.

Anyway, my 2 biggest are fear and resentments. I'm worried about how I'm going to get rid of them. They are the biggest reasons i drank, especially at the end of my drinking. My one resentment is justifiable as the big book says, when dealing with my 1st husband. I use to think when i drank that you would drink too, if you were abused by him and physically got hurt and couldn't work any more.

I told my sponser about this last night and she said i will have to pray for him eventually. I'm thinking to myself, how am I going to do this. He doesn't deserve my prayers or any one else's.

I know I'm going to have to get through this some how. As it says in the big book that you'll drink again if you hold on to any resentments.

I don't know what kind of help you guys can give me. I just wanted to share this and write it down.

Barb

[AW2486]

Barb,

Whatever method your sponsor has you doing Its a step by step thing, focus on one thing at a time. the list of names. Then the reason for each. and so on. One thing at a time.

Keep it simple. Before you know it .. you will be done.

Prayers coming your way

[collinsmi]

If your 4th instructions were like my 4th instructions, they're a little complex. Just focus on the part you're responsible for right now. When the time comes to pray for your 1st husband, konk him over the head with a crowbar or just forget him, deal with that then, not now.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Barb,

AW is right..just focus on what task your sponsor gives you. It starts with the easy one..resentments! ;-)

Take a deep breath and ask your HP to help to remove your fears, and help to do the work.

xoxoxoxo

[bballdad]

hi Barb
about the prayer thing you mentioned
He doesn't deserve my prayers or any one else's.
I was instructed by my sponsor to pray anyway,even if I did not want it for them or mean it,just do it anyway and probably around 2 weeks I would get better...so,the prayers are for you too...he was right,at about the 2 week mark it did make me better because I saw who I was praying for differently,and my resentment was relieved

[Time2Surrender]

You would not believe how much praying helps. I was surprised. At first, I could not see how it could help. I was praying for people to get run over by a bus. Today I pray for them and the resentments are going away. It really does work. Do that 4th and 5th step so you can move on.

[tommyk]

The biggest asset you have, and an asset that can overcome ANY defects, is your willingness to face the fears & resentments in step 4.

Don't forget your assets.

[jimhere]

I just saw the words "program and fellowship gibberish" used on another thread. Unfortunately there is a lot of gibberish thrown around about the 4th Step.

Myths are perpetuated in the fellowship about the 4th Step, mostly about how hard and painful it is.

In my experience, the pain comes from resistance. Inventory can be uncomfortable, but being uncomfortable never killed an alcoholic. The unwillingness to be uncomfortable has killed many an alcoholic. I'm grateful I did my first 4th Step before I knew it was hard. In fact I didn't have a great deal of difficulty with it because it was either move on with the decision made at the 3rd Step or drink, and I didn't want to drink.

There is a story about a chicken and a pig walking down the road one morning. They came around a bend in the road and there was a big building like a church or something. A bunch of people were milling around out front and a big banner was hung across the front of the building. It read "Feed the hungry, Clothe the naked, Shelter the homeless."
The chicken said to the pig, "I've got an idea. Let's do something about this hunger problem." The pig replied "What are we gonna do about a hunger problem?" To which the chicken replied "Let's feed those people breakfast. Let's give them ham and eggs." The pig thought a minute and said "I don't know about that. For you it's a simple decision to lay an egg, but for that's a life or death committment!"

The moral of the story is: What are you gonna be? The chicken or the pig?

As for getting rid of resentment, I can't think a resentment away. In fact, a resentment is an obsession of the mind and the more I think about getting rid of it, the more it owns me. The 4th Step is part of a process of facing being rid of what blocks me from God. Resentments are the grand-daddy of all spiritual illness because a resentment blocks me from you, and when I am blocked from you I am blocked from God. And when I am blocked from God, I become strangely insane where alcohol is concerned.

The fourth column is where it happens for me. I say a prayer "God help me take a kindly and tolerant view of these people." And I get to see truth about the resentment. When I wrote my first inventory, I saw that my earliest memories about my dad were ones of resentment. I resented him because he wasn't the dad I thought he should've been and I blamed my life on him. In truth I hated him. When my son was born, my dad attempted to be part of my life, but I shut him out and pushed him away. I know I hurt him because he told me so. In the inventory, I saw how my dad's spiritual illness manifested itself and how unhappy, restless, and miserable he was. I got free of feelings towards my dad that haven't returned and was given the gift of seeing him through new eyes, the eyes of God. I understood myself and therefore I could understand and forgive my dad. My dad passed away when I was seven years sober. When he died, there were no regrets, no "I wish I'd have said that or did that," no loose ends My dad and I were square.
Jim

Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

[lizw]

I've recently done a 5th with my sponsor and this isn't the first time as I have been sober 10 years now but I think the 5th is the one I have fear about. With the 4th I wrote it all down, it's discussing it with another human being I find hard. I like to look good like I have it all together etc..

In the last week though, I have had a few odd expereinces in where I have gone to behave in away I always have done, then stopped it and tried something else. This has just happened and I have not required to give it alot of thought. It's freaky in a nice kind of relaxed way.

I should probably still be praying for my daughters father. For years I fantasied about seeing him and running him over with my car, these days I just dislike him a bit. There is probably a difference between dislike and resentment. When I tend to resent someone I spent a lot of time thinking about how much I dislike them. However he wasn't on my recent 4th so maybe I have made progress.

You'll be okay.

I have to agree though that sometimes getting better and feeling better aren't the same thing.

[navysteve]

The 4th step shouldn't be complicated. It can be intimidating however. If you follow the Big Book then the fourth begins immediately following the third ( pg 63-64)

[gravity]

Hi Barb,

Just work through the steps one at a time. Step 4 is “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”. Stick with that, don't complicate it. Getting rid of fear & resentments and how you address your feelings about your first husband comes later in the steps.

My own Step 4 experience was a bit uncomfortable but very revealing. Many of my resentments were fear based (expected) and dishonesty based (completely unexpected). I was then able to move forward with much better focus. I am just so grateful that my sponsor gave me the insight to complete the step and a few pushes when I needed it.

Perhaps to give you strength, courage, & motivation, meditate on the promises (page 83-84) that result from working through the steps. They are coming true for me. When I first started my step work, I really didn't believe that it was possible. It’s really is amazing.


"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."


Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

[353]

My first fourth step brought on an overwhelming feeling of remorse that was quite painful for about a month.

Looking back on the steps I can see where the fear came from. The first step allowed me to admit the obvious, I can't drink-I can't stop-my life is a mess. I could see that the people in my meetings, who talked as if they'd experience the same things I had, seemed to be living relatively happy lives, so the second step, believing a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity was more of a hoping I could find what these others had. The third step was merely making a decision to move forward with the process, steps 4-9, no big leap there really, just trying to use this AA program that seemed to work for so many.

Step 4 was a different animal. It wasn't admitting the obvious or searching for some miracle cure outside myself...like some magic words that would make it all better, step 4 is where I acknowledged my part in this whole mess, and a big part it was.

Step 4 was the OH SH!T step, the "you mean the world really isn't at fault for my miserable life..I Am" step. The thing about it is, there wasn't any earth shattering material in my 4th step, just all the crap I'd accumulated over a thirty year period of living my life @ss backwards, all the sh!t I carried around and used as excuses to drink and drug.

After I began the process I wondered how in the world did I ever get so screwed up. It's as if I lived my entire life with the wrong instruction booklet. No wonder I could never get anything right.

Soon after the remorse of my wrong living began to subside I found the 9th step promises at work in my life, go figure, and before I was halfway through. It was like I found something I'd never had, the solution, not the temporary one of numbing my mind, but a real one that works.

Scaredykat, the promises are real. You will know a new freedom and a new happiness. You will not regret the past....all of them are real.

Peace 2u

[Pinkcuda]

I've found in more cases than not, someone was afraid to do their 4th because they heard some other dork say how scared they were. This dork usually hasn't done their 4th either.

[Signal30]

When you first entered the program, you were more than likely asked if you were willing to go to any length to be and stay sober. Your should of admitted that you were powerless over alcohol with an unmanageable life. You should believe that a Power grater than yourself can restore you to sanity. Then you should be willing to turn your will over to the care of your Higher Power as you understand it.

If you are thorough with the first three steps, you may be nervous doing a moral inventory, (we all were), but you should definitely be willing to do it. If you are not willing, then revert back to Step Three.



Tom

[benblesed5]

I can relate to not wanting to forgive your ex for the abuse you received. I actually went into the doors of AA due to my first husband, whom went into treatment and was very abusive during our relationship. He is still out there using today, the program changed my life. So, I can thank him for that and let go of the horror I went through.

As for my drinking because of his abuse, that was what I thought as well, today I know I drank because I am an alcoholic and I chose to stay with him and allow the control and abuse while actively drinking, there fore, placing resposibility where it belonged with me helped me to clarify it all.

I now can accept my resposibility and let go of the resentment I had because to continue to resent, fear, or be angry allows others to control me, and how I feel. Today, it is my responsibility to accept life on life's terms, to choose wisely whom I allow into my life, and to realize that to forgive does not mean to accept bad behavior, but that I no longer "care" or allow any "feelings" to be controlled by another. Does that make sense? It did and does to me. As everyone has said, one day at a time, one step at a time, as you work through it it will all begin to seem clear.

[scaredykat]

Thank you everyone for your comments and thoughts. It was very helpful. I'm feeling much better about it today. I know it's going to be hard, but i must do all that I can and have to, to stay sober.

My sponser would rather me wait until I'm over a year sober before i do step 4, but she understands where i want to do the steps a little faster. Her sponser taught her to do one step per year. I personal think that's too slow. But that's what's worked for her i guess. She's over 30 years sober. I was a chronic relapser all these years and i want to really work the steps to the best of my ability as the big book says. I don't want to drink again. Life is so much better now, and i want to keep it that way and always remember where i came from.

Barb

[jimhere]

I may be out of line in saying this, but if I were you I'd find another sponsor.

[AW2486]

Your doing the right thing working through the steps right away.

The big book only gives us one break as we work through the steps.

"Returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done." - Page 75 1st Edition Alcoholics Anonymous. That's between the 5th & 6th steps. Otherwise after every step you see the word NEXT..

[gravity]

I worked through the steps in about four months. If I was still on step 1, 2, or 3, I would have quit AA by now. I do revisit the steps regularly, as I learn more about myself. My sponsor's sponsor told me that the steps are to be worked through reasonably fast. She did hers in 3 months. I couldn't even imagine having to wait over a decade to become stronger, realize the promises.

[cmhcali]

I have been sober 48 days and have started my 4th step today. I will admit I am scared to death and try not to think about Step 9, that is where my fear lies. Step 5 I am actually looking forward too... I want to get rid of this stuff and have someone help me (and god of course)...

So I have to remember to look at there here and now and that my god will help me and reveal my path as I go. Some may be good and some may be bad but it is all about learning to live life for me and not ending up drinking again.

My sponsor said to me today and it made sense to me. That I am the alcoholic, that alcohol is the medicine I used to try and treat my alcoholism and that does not work, so if you want to recover from your disease you need treatment the 12 steps. I really liked that analogy...

[sugErspun]

Originally Posted by scaredykat

Anyway, my 2 biggest are fear and resentments. I'm worried about how I'm going to get rid of them. They are the biggest reasons i drank, especially at the end of my drinking. My one resentment is justifiable as the big book says, when dealing with my 1st husband. I use to think when i drank that you would drink too, if you were abused by him and physically got hurt and couldn't work any more.

Hey Barb - I just wanted to comment on this portion of your post.

The 4th step is a process, and I too - made too big a deal of the whole thing. But, I did it and continue to do so.

I will say this - you aren't going to get rid of your fear and resentments. The truth of them will be revealed to you and they will be seen in a different light. The actions you take because of them (causing harm to others) - will be identified (ie - Defects of character/shortcomings) and then you will ask God to remove those which block you, trap you - keep you from getting free.

This is action time - I could not take back my 3rd step decision, it was all or nothing at that point.

This 'step a year' nonsense is very dangerous- that is a long time to be alcoholic without something to replace the drink. You might want to ask your sponsor where this practice comes from (step a year) - because it's not AA.

My first 4th step - I was literally making a list of people, principles and institutions that I was angry with (now or then) within 2 hours of saying the Third Step Prayer with my sponsor, the only reason it was 2 hours is because I had a meeting to sit through and a drive home. I was maybe 2 months sober at that time and miserable. If I had to wait a year like that - I would rather drink myself to death.

Keep it simple here - the start of the fourth step (1st column) is nothing more than a list of names, principles, institutions that you were angry with or are angry with - That's all.

Pretty simple right?