Thinking about quitting AA

[pink424]

I feel confused and would like to hear others’ experiences along these lines. I will try to keep it brief, but I feel like I need to give a bit of details to get my point across…

I have been going to AA for 8 months. I did 90 in 90, worked up to step 5 with a sponsor who I still call frequently. I recently moved to another state and she wants me to get a home group and another sponsor in the new place. I do not feel like I can talk to my sponsor about this because she has been going through a lot of stuff and I do not want to upset her or burden her.

Prior to going to my first AA meeting, I went a year without drinking by going to church and being a very obsessive Christian. In November, I was really stressed so I drank a couple of times, but by that point I had met a friend in recovery (3 years clean in another fellowship) who was telling me that he thought I would benefit from a 12 step program because I never lost the obsession to drink or the unmanageability. So, I decided to try it. For a while, I was feeling serenity and like it was the right decision. Now, I really do not want to continue, but I feel pressured to do so. That friend is now my boyfriend so I am not sure what he will do if I quit and I do not want to let down my sponsor during a time when her sobriety is already threatened.

The issue is that I think I am going to AA for the wrong reasons. In a way, I feel like a fake when I go because most people who share had an addiction/physical dependency to alcohol whereas I really never did. My drinking pattern changed over the years, but it actually decreased in the amount of times I drank per week/month but stayed pretty constant in the amount consumed. Almost every time in my life when I have intended on having two beers, it has turned into “one more” until I was insanely drunk and had to stop because I was puking, passing out, or I blacked out and don’t remember when I stopped.

When I was 19-25, I drank at least 4-5 days per week and if I could not “go out partying”, I would be very antsy and crazy. I started teaching at 25 and after going to work one day and having one of my students state that he believed I was drunk (I had been in the bar until 4), I quit drinking during the week and would get drunk only on weekends. Then, I cut back to a couple of times per month. Three years ago when my husband walked out, I went on a month-long binge then one night when I was contemplating suicide, I had a spiritual experience and began going to church. After going out drinking several times when I was supposedly a devout Christian and realizing that I always ended up getting drunk and behaving in a very un-Christian manner, I gave it up for over a year. I thought about drinking every Friday night, but refrained until late one Friday night when I was really stressed and I bought 2 oil cans. By the time I drank them, it was past the cutoff time for alcohol to be sold so I tore my house apart trying to find any liquor I might have had left over. I went to AA the next day and then went to meetings for a week during which time I found that the obsession to drink was worse than ever. So, one night, despite having attended an AA meeting that morning, I bought a 12 pack. That was November 20. I went to a morning AA meeting hung over the next day feeling remorseful and guilty and have not had a drink since.

I know that the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking, but I don’t feel like I have anything to offer in AA and I feel that I would never be able to sponsor people because I have not experienced the tremendous devastation that most newcomers have experienced. I never lost jobs or material possessions and (by the grace of God) never even had a DUI. When I first started in AA, the few family members and friends I told said, “You were a big partier, but you are not an alcoholic.” I never really felt “a part of” in AA because I think other people did not see me as a “true alcoholic.” A lot of people in my family drink only occasionally, but when they drink they can’t stop after a couple so my drinking pattern never seemed abnormal to them or to me.

I also feel somehow that the fact that alcohol is off limits makes me obsess on drinking even more. When I hear people talk about drinking in meetings, I really miss it. I know that I should not think of drinking as fun and if I really think through the drink, I know it will not be worth it. I think maybe I did not hit a low enough bottom to need AA and maybe I should just keep going to church and work on my relationship with God through that outlet.

I know that I am the only one who can decide if I was a problem drinker or if I am an alcoholic. I can say absolutely that I abused alcohol, but I do not believe I ever had a physical dependency on it. In a thread I read from February, that seemed to be the factor that most people used to define a “true alcoholic.” When I take the online “alcoholic” tests based on the last year of my drinking, it says that I have a problem because I answered “monthly” to some of the questions such as “blacked out” and “had 9+ drinks.” But, I am not sure I am a true alcoholic. I never drank the next morning or experienced withdrawal symptoms. I never hid liquor and never had any legal problems due to drinking. Nobody has told me they thought I had a problem with drinking since I was in my 20s (although my ex and mother used to say, “Why can’t you sip and enjoy a beer instead of slamming them?”).

I guess I would like to hear if other people have questioned whether they were problem drinkers or alcoholics after going to AA for a while and if they continued in AA or not. If some people were weekend drinkers and continued in AA, did they feel “less than” or like they did not “earn their seat” as compared to those who were daily drinkers and did have a physical dependency on alcohol? (Sorry this is so long).

[tommyk]

Yeah, I questioned my membership to NA/AA a LOT. Wondered if I belonged there.

But the program was/is soooooo good for me I decided it was my disease trying to talk me out of NA/AA.

My disease REALLY does not want me to do things that are good for me.

And I that KNOW NA/AA is good for me.

I am sure of that.

[TTOSBT]

Nope, I know I am alcoholic but I never drank in the morning or during the work day. I have had the same job since the company was founded five years ago. I own a house, several cars, etc., etc. I have a family and I take good care of them, almost seems like I did more when I was drinking because of my guilt and need to prove that I could do it all.
When I quit I had no physical withdrawals, more emotional, I felt like I hit my bottom, it was humiliating that I could not "handle" alcohol. Regularly I drank 4-6 glasses of wine. At one bottle (4 glasses) I was "fine", at 1 1/2 (6 glasses) I was good and buzzed. I rarely drank hard alcohol and almost never went past that 2nd bottle but my bottom was a DUI. My husband had even said the night before, you are not an alcoholic, you just need to slow down. Ha!

I knew then and I know now, I will NEVER be able to drink like a lady. Like you said, only you can decide if you are or are not. But please do not let other people's stories, opinions, or experiences define it for you. In your heart, you know whether you are or not. At least, I did.

Good luck!

[kj3880]

A lot of people with a high-bottom (that is, they didn't have some of the more serious concequences, like homelessness or arrest occur, yet.) end up trying to disqualify themselves out of NA and AA. I think that is a mistake. What is a problem for you is a problem for you. I didn't have any of that stuff happen, but I am an addict. I did addict stuff. It's just that I didn't get caught, YET.

Compare it to a hot oven. I touched the oven. I saw that it was hot. I withdraw my hand. I'm done with touching the oven.

My sister maybe touched the oven, saw it was hot, then touched it again. Then singed her hair off her arm. Then touched it again, permanently scarring her hand. And so on, maybe even losing her hand. Maybe she even burns to death.

OK. Maybe my brother saw me touch the oven, and he didn't even need to touch it. He saw me get burnt and that was enough. He knows it's too hot for him.

Who's the smarter potential burn victim here? I don't think that you have to "burn yourself to death" to see that you are an alcoholic. People that aren't alcoholics don't even wonder about that. We do.
KJ

[CAPTAINZING2000]

I took the Alcohol evaluation test. I was diagnosed as a problem drinker. I could relate to that. When, I drank, there usually was going to be a problem.

You mentioned the word obsession. A non alcoholic, does not have a fixation on a drink.

Many of us come into AA thinking we're not an alcoholic because, we're not the bum in the alley drinking a bottle in a brown paper bag.

My sponsor is a director over a rehab. He summed it up for me one night.

The definition of an alcoholic is th inability to guarantee what happens after you pick up the first drink.

When, I first started drinking many years ago, I did so to be sociable. I wouldn't drink when, no one was around. Towards the latter part of my drinking days, I drank alone.

The very fact you're on this site or, have been attending meetings indicates to me, you know you have a problem with alcohol. You're just not coming to grips with it.

As far as your contributing to a meeting, your presence at a meeting is more important then you'll ever know.

The best advice I can give you is start getting involved. Don't be a fence setter. Go to the meeting early, help set it up. Stay after the meeting help clean up. Offer people rides to the meeting etc.

Service work is a great tool in helping to ensure your sobriety.

[jimhere]

"To thine own self be true." Follow your heart.

[ananda]

There are alot of people out there who went back out cause they didn't think they had a low enough bottom to be an alchoholic....some of them never make it back.

You're purpose may be to be there for the next person who like you is having trouble relating to the more obvious stories of alchoholism..

It says in the big book we can raise the bottom so that others don't have to go down so far....I believe that.

Let us know how it goes.

[lizw]

I've recently had a friend of mine question me as to whether I was REALLY an alcoholic. She is an Al Anon member (and my sponsor in that program) and I assume she is asking because of my age and her expereince with alcoholics - that being they don't get sober.

So it made me question myself and the only answer I could come up with was, well if I hadn't spent the last year of my life wasted every day, before I went to a treatment centre, had my daughter taken off me and working in the sex industry to support my dhabits, then maybe I wasn't but I did.

I can understand all your saying though and I think one of the things that has kept me going to AA is that my life continues to improve, despite my day to day cirrcumstances some times, and by attending AA (and working a program) I get to have a 'normal' day to day life, instead of chaos. And the only time I have ever had this in my entire life has been in AA. So I suppose for me it's about results. I think the results of my life speak volumes as to whether I should attend AA or not.

I accept AA doesn't work for everyone so if it is not your cup of tea and you can't see the results of soberity in your life, it is a good idea to change something. I've always thought it was quite a smart idea to make a commitment to AA for a period of time, say 6 months, then at the end of those 6 months, review it.

[AW2486]

I need no more convincing .. I know what happens to me when I put any amount of alcohol in my body. My body does not break it down as it does in normal people. It takes longer, which leads to my body wanting more and more (the phenomenon of craving). The allergy is a real deal with me. Science has proved that.

The only thing that has worked to keep my mind convinced about what I said above is the program of alcoholics anonymous.

I'm glad you posted

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

I really appreciate this post.

It sounds that you are going through a transition, what with changing sponsors and sorta stuck in your Step work. Of course your mind will start thinking like it used too.."oh, maybe it wasn't so bad and I'm not an alcoholic". "Maybe this program isn't for me". BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Like it's been said: go to meetings, go early, stay late, make the coffee. Get outside of yourself. FIND ANOTHER SPONSOR.

Please let us know how things go..

[Time2Surrender]

Stopping on 5 doesnt give you a chance to heal. Look at steps 6 and 7. I really recommend completing all 12 steps first and then reconsidering if you wanna quit. Dont leave before the miracle. Not that I have room to talk, Im on 4 right now myself, but Ive been around a while and learned a thing or two. I hope you stick around.

[thinktoomuch]

pink424 your story sounds a lot like mine. I never got a dui, great job, I have a wonderful home, great kids, loving husband, cars, etc. I've never taken it *that* far. I thought I was an alcoholic a few years ago -- my therapist even said it was time to go to meetings. I did. After about 7 months or so in the program I really started to question if I was really an alcoholic.

I am still questioning my alcoholism. I wonder if its alcoholism or a bad habit.

For me, here's my question...is it normal to binge drink or obsess about the next drink? Is it normal to worry about "If I go out and have a few, will that turn in to more and will I make a jerk of myself"?

I don't think non-alcoholics obsess over this stuff and this is where I think I have a problem. Please, someone correct me if I'm wrong.

[CarolD]

Why not add church to your AA program?
Two positives are a plus for a healthy future.


To find meetings in our Atlanta area
404-525-3178

Welcome to our recovery community...

[barb dwyer]

Pink -

Hi, I'm Barb.

You know, we're alcoholics.
We're quitters.
That's what we do.
We tell ourselves all kinds of things to justify stopping something
anything really
that is making us better.

Because we can't GET better.
Because where are we going to get the excuse to drink if we're okay?

See where I'm going with this?

We quit.
That's what we do.
That's what we've manipulated the world into showing us what we are.
That way,
we can drink and blame it on anything other than our quitting.

So, after all this reading and writing,
maybe a decision needs to be made.

What's your work ethic?

Do you show up on time?
Do you do your job?
Are you enthusiastic,
or are you just there until the clock says you've done enough?

That work ethic
reflects directly in your recovery work ethic.

Just something i've noticed.

My advice is
think about all the things you've not completed in this life.
You don't have to post it here or anything
just ... think about it.
Don't even have to make a list, really.

Then think about the attitude with AA.
What's the relationship?
Are you kinda in that 'ok done this next thing' place?
That's what this reads like.

Personally, I'm all FOR sticking it out with the Program.
It saved my life.
It changed me in a very permanent way.

Because I decided I needed that change once and for all.

But that's just me.

[Jfanagle]

Pink,

Does alcohol interfere with your life? Is your life better when you aren't drinking?? You wrote, "to some of the questions such as “blacked out,” when you were writing about your assessment of your alcohol use. BLACK OUTS are nothing more than the body shutting down all non life sustaining functions. If you haven't decided that alcohol is a PROBLEM for you, your body has!

You are, like all of us free to do whatever makes sense to you, but don't use the criteria of "haven't lost stuff, or no DUI", there are vast amounts of us that have your same history, losing things isn't a measure of what alcohol does to US as people.

I have some years sober as a result of AA, and I was told by business partners and family that I was just a "hard drinker." I take what AA offers and try and give back to those that need something I can offer. For a very long time I "judged" my alcohol problem along side of others and ALMOST convinced myself that I wasn't an alcoholic, it was my good fortune to have a friend and sponsor ask me the questions that I started this rambling with.

IS MY LIFE BETTER WITHOUT ALCOHOL and DOES ALCOHOL INTERFERE WITH MY LIFE?

More telling than even these two was "HAS DRINKING EVER MADE MY LIFE BETTER?" I decided that since like a great many people I should always strive to be the best person and live the best and most productive life that I am capable of, I had to say "AA was better for me than booze." End of story. Let me leave you with this thought.

I used to walk out of a bar and say to myself, "I gotta quit doing this." I have never walked out of an AA meeting, no matter how weak or even bad the meeting was, and said "I HAVE TO QUIT DOING THIS!"

I wish you the very best life and happiness beyond your imagination, how ever you find that. It isn't easy, but it does just KEEP GETTING BETTER!

Jon

[Pinkcuda]

We are doing AA a disservice by telling our "War Stories" in Meetings. That's the last thing a newcomer needs to hear. The Newcomer might be tempted to re-think their alcoholism if their story isn't as bad as someone else's.
If you have a physical craving that can't be controlled, you may be an alcoholic. This is true regardless of how many DUIs we've had, how many jobs we've been fired from, how many divorces we've been through, how much time in jail we spent. Whether this is true of our lives or not true at all an Alcoholic is an Alcoholic.
Whether it be Yale or Jail, Alcoholism doesn't discriminate.

[Mala09]

Very interesting thread -- when I was attending meetings in South Africa, there were fewer#war stories' or 'drunkalogues' because life there can be so dangerous and chaostic that drunken self-sabotage hasn't got the same imoact. What members focused on were the smaller signs -- the poor quality of relationships, very thin and superficial; the inability to bring projects to completion and habits of underachieving; the inability to recognise that a physical dependence was developing along with the emotional and mental craving; the financial delbts and inability to manage admin; the failed geographicals.

But deep inside most of us want to go on drinking for as long as we can do so and that is why there are so few high-bottom drunks. Many of the members at my meetings here in the UK first came to AA 18 or 25 years ago but didn't stick with it. We will keep drinking because the idea of abstinence is so terrifying.

Good luck!

Mala

[Cathy31]

How is the program working for you. If it is working for you *i.e. happier, sober, spiritual growth, new friends, peace, new direction, purpose in life, relationships healed, increased self respect, lack of fear/tearror on a dsily basis (this is some of what AA has done for me) then keep going, you've earned your seat. If it works for you, it works for you and stay!

Cathy31
x

[findingout]

Hey pink424,

One of the best things I ever heard at a meeting is that alcoholism is a disease that tries to convince me I don't have it. Yes, I have questioned whether or not I was a "true alcoholic" over the course my recovery, even though I was a daily drinker who drank in the morning because I had a physical dependency on alcohol. The thing is, I never tried to stop until I was given a choice between treatment and unemployment. When I did try to stop, I never tried to do it all by myself. I started in treatment and have continued to stay sober by going to meetings, working the steps and trying to help other people achieve sobriety. Many of the people I know in the program had false starts. So sometimes, especially during the first couple of years, I would wonder if I could have done it all by myself or even if I was a "true alcoholic" at all. What if I was wasting my time going to these meetings? What if I could control my drinking if I tried really, really hard?

I stopped asking these questions when my sister drank herself to death last August. My life was too parallel to hers prior to finding recovery to allow me to believe I would end up any differently if I started drinking again. I continue as a member of A.A. because I want to stay sober and try to help other people achieve sobriety. Could I do it another way? I don't know, I haven't tried. A.A. works for me and works in areas that on the surface have nothing to do with me not drinking. I also believe that underneath the surface, everything I do has to do with me not drinking.

You have worked 5 of the 12 steps which slightly less than a "halfway measure." Try not to leave with the idea that A.A. didn't work for you because A.A. will always be here if you find that another path isn't working. Also, the promise that says "No matter how far down the scale we've gone..." includes people in the upper half of the scale just as much as it does people in the bottom half.

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by pink424

I went to AA the next day and then went to meetings for a week during which time I found that the obsession to drink was worse than ever. So, one night, despite having attended an AA meeting that morning, I bought a 12 pack. That was November 20. I went to a morning AA meeting hung over the next day feeling remorseful and guilty and have not had a drink since.

I know that the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking, but I don’t feel like I have anything to offer in AA and I feel that I would never be able to sponsor people because I have not experienced the tremendous devastation that most newcomers have experienced. I never lost jobs or material possessions and (by the grace of God) never even had a DUI. When I first started in AA, the few family members and friends I told said, “You were a big partier, but you are not an alcoholic.”

I also feel somehow that the fact that alcohol is off limits makes me obsess on drinking even more. When I hear people talk about drinking in meetings, I really miss it. I know that I should not think of drinking as fun and if I really think through the drink, I know it will not be worth it. I think maybe I did not hit a low enough bottom to need AA and maybe I should just keep going to church and work on my relationship with God through that outlet.

I can say absolutely that I abused alcohol, but I do not believe I ever had a physical dependency on it.

I guess I would like to hear if other people have questioned whether they were problem drinkers or alcoholics after going to AA for a while and if they continued in AA or not. If some people were weekend drinkers and continued in AA, did they feel “less than” or like they did not “earn their seat” as compared to those who were daily drinkers and di