Sigh

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Well, I don't have a sponsee anymore. She was not doing the work, missed our meeting tonight which was a sign to me to let her go.

I'm thinking that I was a lil bit too lax throughout with her..don't know. I'm second guessing myself now. I feel sad and disappointed.

[CarolD]

(((Karen)))
Gee...I've lost track of how many I sponsored
and still
the only sober time I am certain of is my own.

You will find another and begin again
just as we all do.

Prayers for both of you

[miss communicat]

Karen

I understand how you feel. Be gentle with yourself.

more to be revealed, as they say.....

[tommyk]

Originally Posted by CarolD

(((Karen)))
Gee...I've lost track of how many I sponsored
and still
the only sober time I am certain of is my own.

You will find another and begin again
just as we all do.

Prayers for both of you

Well said.

[tkdan]

I would not be hard on yourself! While I have no experience with being a sponsor I do sort of understand people and alcoholism. If someone is not willing to go to any length (do the steps) then it does not matter what their sponsor does. Hopefully she will decide one day that she needs to work the program. Hang in there.

[Tazman53]

Karen are you sober? That is what my sponsor asked me when my very first sponsee called me to say thanks for working with him, but he was no lomger going to be able to make the one meeting a week he was going to so he just wanted to let me know and thank me. I thanked him for letting me know and told him he could call me any time.

Man I was shook, trying to figure out what I did wrong, my sponsor told me that the only person I could keep sober was myself and that the only person I could get drunk was me!!! We spoke for quite a while after that.

Looking back on it, I did exactly what my sponsor did with me, no more and no less:

1. I was available to him.

2. I shared my ES&H with him.

3. I offered him suggestions that worked for me.

4. I answered his question honestly and when I could I said so and tried to find the answer for him.

I have since learned that I did nothing wrong, it was all in his hands. My second sponsee has over a year sober and has been through the steps, I did the same things for him I did for the other guy.

The difference? The sponsee, one wanted to work the program and the other decided not to and that is okay.

The guy who decided to stop going to meetings? I don't know, never heard from him since, he may be sober, he may not.

[RufusACanal]

You are well Karen! Best to you!

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Well, I spoke to my sponsor today. She agreed that I did the right thing. I came home to a message from my sponsee (ex, whatever, you know what I mean) and she was pretty much trying to talk me into changing my mind.

Sponsor told me to:

A. Give her another week, with a set meeting time, if she doesn't do the work or doesn't show, that's it.
B. Offer my sponsor to her, ie telling her she can work with someone else.
(my sponsor won't let her get away with anything!, If she thinks I'm tough, she hasn't seen just what tough is!)
C. Just let her go on and hopefully she'll become willing either with me or with someone else.

Thanks everyone..I need to pray on this one.

[Astro]

Karen, I've been working with a sponsee for almost three years. The most important things I've learned: I can't keep him sober, and I'm not powerful enough to make him drink either. Sometimes I need to get out of the way and let God do all the work.

And through it all, I've kept my sobriety date. Sounds to me like you did exactly what you're supposed to do, which is to lead by your example.

[barb dwyer]

Hi hon -

My sponsor has been a sponsor for fifteen years - she told me at the end of my step work that I was the FIRST SPONSEE TO COMPLETE THE WHOLE SHEBANG.

She has a waiting list for sponsees.

So do I.
I'm constantly getting asked if I'm taking sponsees again.
(I'm officially on haiatus until I feel better)

I think your posts about your relationship with your sponsee shows how much WE learn from THEM. Not the other way around.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Miss you Barb!

[barb dwyer]

thank you {{{{{{{Karen}}}}}}}}}

I'll get a computer one of these days and y'all will be rolling yer eyes saying 'oh God, not *barb* again"

just like old times ...

LOL!

[Sheryl85]

Come back soon, Barb! Miss ya'

Karen,

I know how you feel. I had to let one go here a couple of weeks ago. She's been around the program for years and has asked me to sponsor her three of those false starts. After this last trip back out I could see the handwriting on the wall and I re-read page 96 of the Big Book. I again pondered the fact that sometimes even our best efforts and intentions are not enough. I concluded that as long as I was in the picture she wouldn't attempt to find help from someone else who might be the right person at the right time who could get through to her. Realizing this I stepped aside.

Pray about it, keep talking to your sponsor and let your HP be your guide. I also had to cut myself some slack. I know that I'm not so powerful that I can keep anyone sober today. The fact is that even my sobriety isn't of my own making. Some days it's a reward from my HP for the honest effort I put into this thing and then on those days when there is only one set of footprints in the sand it's by His grace alone I receive the gift . . .

Bless you, dear, for caring for another one of God's kids.

[RufusACanal]

Barbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

She keeps calling. I offered her all the suggestions from my sponsor, and all she could say was that she has to focus on her job and can't do the work.

I said "hon, I can't be your sponsor if you aren't willing to work the Steps". "Call me tomorrow if you can commit to any of the options I gave you". She hasn't called.

I truly do believe that I can't keep her sober, like everyone has said. I was just really grateful to be sharing what I've learned with her.

But, HP doesn't let ya down. There was a newcomer fresh out of jail with three days sober at the meeting Friday night. Marched myself over there, handed her my number, and talked a bit. I'll keep doing that, and when the time is right, someone else will reach out.

[Sugah]

I sponsor a woman who's husband is in the program, and, though he still goes to meetings, no longer calls his sponsor - my husband. My husband said today, "Oh, I remember him - didn't I used to sponsor him?" And Mary says, "You still do, don't you?" Our little joke was that after six months, sponsorship expires if there hasn't been a phone call to keep it active. Her husband is sober about four and a half years, but that's not the point.

I've never "fired" anyone. I've suggested that they find someone else they feel more comfortable with and are more likely to keep in contact, do the work, etc., but I've never actually called someone up and said, "You haven't done X, Y & Z, so our relationship has come to an end." I'm working with two newcomers now. One's been around off & on for four years. She's got about four months now. Each time she's come back in, she's acted in a "sponsee way" towards me, though I do ask, "Are you still wanting me to sponsor you?" We're finally up to step four. I eased back a bit because of some chaos in her life (a move, husband went to jail, she changed jobs), but again today, I said, "We need to set a date for you to call this 4th step complete." If I rely on experience with her, we'll either make that date, or she'll disappear again - though this time, I jumped without a parachute and put a few things in place to hold her accountable (she's now working for me). Why did I do that? It felt right. It felt like she was ready. She's 28 now, not 24, and she's valuing her role as a mother, a friend and an employee. I'm glad I never told her, "You have to find somebody else." Because I'm moving and will only see her weekends soon, I have strongly suggested that she ask someone to be her stand-by sponsor for the days of the week we can't physically connect. She's actually taking steps towards that, which thrills me (for her) to no end!

I do understand that different people do things in a different way, and I'm not saying that cutting her loose was wrong, Karen. If it's right in your heart, it's right. I just know that for me, I've seen newcomers who don't quite grasp the concept that "the door is always open," so I avoid closing it unless I feel that it's the best thing for them.

On another note, I finally got a call I was expecting from someone who's struggled for quite some time. The Great Spirit has a way (doesn't She?) of putting a younger version of myself in my path. I was all set to pick her up last night for her first meeting (first for her - two sisters have already sought recovery with varied enthusiasm) when I got a text message that said, essentially, "I can't go, and the speaker on my phone is broken" (precluding a return call from me). I e-mailed her - let her know that if she changes her mind, all she has to do is holler (or borrow a phone!) and I'll be there. Door's open...

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Thanks Sug,

The last month has been messing with my serenity in a big way. Causing me a lot of emotional conflict. I want to do right by this woman, and I"m thinking that maybe she needs someone who will cut her a little more slack than I can right now in my journey.

[Sugah]

Karen, I actively sponsor six women right now - with two still doing first-time formal step work. Four of them are in multiple years of sobriety now, and two are less than six months. For each one of them, there are six more I started to sponsor before they disappeared, and a couple of dozen who asked me to sponsor them but never did any work.

It's only once in awhile now that it really bothers me if they wiggle out of our agreement - "I'll show you how I got sober, you take suggestions and do the work." It usually bothers me when it's someone who reminds me a lot of me. Food for thought?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Tazman53]

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!

If they are not ready to walk with you, wait until they are, or they find some one else to walk with. As long as you are available you are doing the right thing, if your HP leads you to point them to some one else to walk the path with, so be it. His will be done.