Inbred behaviors?

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

So, I'm working on my amends to my father. A little back story:

Dad traveled quite a bit when I was a child. Only home on the weekends. Enjoyed the finer things in life..we were upper middle class (back when it existed). I never wanted for any material thing. I looked up to my father. Until my mother died from alcoholism, then it became very clear to me that the picture I had of him was mostly illusion. I am trying hard not to be judgemental when it comes to him, but he is a very self involved person. We see each other a few times a year.

So, I"m working on my amends to him. Cause, I don't know if you can tell, I have a lot of resentments towards him. It's been hard. I've finished the rough draft, but I don't feel really good about it. I keep wanting to say ..you did this so I did that. It's very difficult to find my part in it.

Thing is, I am so very much like him. The longer I work on this, the more I start acting out in selfish ways. I have been gifted with this selfish trait from my father.

It has been probably the most difficult character defect for me to hand up. I coast along and things are fine, but then, Ms. Selfish rears her ugly head. I actually don't feel I can get better until I formally do my amends with him. Do I have to spend the rest of my life fighting this horrible defect?Am I being too hard on myself?

I feel better just writing this..thanks for letting me vent and any input is appreciated as always.

Karen

[lizw]

1 thing? 10 things? Any thing specific?
What did your sponsor advise?

I have never formally sat down and made amends to my parents, both Mum or Dad. My sponsor told me they were more than likely sick of my apologies and the best thing I could do was get my daughter back to live with me and start treating them beter. I.e. giving instead of receiving.

I did pay them the money I owed them though, after a few years of soberity. It was quite a bit.

My mother though has made amends to me, a couple of time, since she was/has been in Al Anon for a few years and was working the program etc...

[barb dwyer]

Karen -
no. You won't have to do it forever.
When you get the wording right ...
you remember from the fifth step, right?

It dissolves.
Some aspects are gradual, like training...
but when you 'hit' the thing ...
you know it.

You probably won't even have made the amends yet, either.

Something just goes 'click' and ...
whatever you're afraid of losing ...
will become obviously un-stealable.
or un-losable.
THen you won't have to 'hoard' anything any more.

Selfishness doesn't *always* come form a fear of loss or deprivation...
but it *does* occur at the root often enough that it's worth a look.

When I've had a selfish realization ...
I usually see first thing
what I was afraid of losing.

And it's almost always something
I can't get from others anyhow.

[Tommyh]

why not pray for him and your self daily,"Thy will be done", and wait and see what happens?
Sometimes amends are made in God`s time and not ours

[laurie6781]

Sometimes Karen, it's not about getting rid of a defect, it's about changing it into an asset.

Let me explain, I found that my stubbornness and bullheadedness was a definite defect.

However, when I turned it into tenacity, to ie finish what I start, it becomes an asset.

When I take my selfishness and use it "to do anything" to stay sober and clean, I found myself at first 'being of service' (as an example) so I could stay sober. That selfishness over time turned into a caring and concern for others I didn't know was possible.

As to Step 9. "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

I have found, when I am suppose to make an amend, when the time is or was right, the resentments are gone. I am able to make my amends for only WHAT I DID.

Sounds to me like you have some resentments to deal with first. 99.999999999% of resentments come from our EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS.

Like my sponsor and her hubby used to say: "What did he/she/it/they NOT do, when I wanted he/she/it/they to do, to make ME MORE COMFORTABLE?"

Well dang when I looked at it that way..........................................shees h how could I expect others to do what I didn't always do? So............................................it became time to pray for the person for 14 DAYS. 14 Days I asked. Yep 14 days. And if I missed a day.......................................I had to start over.

Well, I don't know about anyone else, but after having to start those 14 days over a few times and usually it was after day 11 or 12, somehow, the resentment was gone. Yep, even the BIG ones I had about my MOTHER and the smaller ones I had about my FATHER.

So...............................IMHO before you can make amends to your dad, it seems that you have to clear your resentments first.

I keep wanting to say ..you did this so I did that.

The Big Book explains how we make NO MENTION of what or what not the person did, only our part, our actions. We make our amends sincerely, EXPECTING NOTHING from the other person.

Hope that helps in some small way.

Love and hugs,

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Thanks for all the feedback..it's weighing heavily on my mind lately, which usually means, a lighbulb moment will soon be coming. I'm sharing about it in my meetings too..

[Sugah]

I had a long list, too, Karen, when it came to my parents. One of the first things I had to do to make that list manageable was to look at how old I was at the time. There's an "age of accountability" in various schools of religious thought. Even the law recognizes it to an extent.

Children are selfish beings by necessity. It's how they get their needs met. It's how they survive. So, up to a certain age (for me, it was about thirteen), I prayed for acceptance and forgiveness of myself. After that age, I prayed for the willingness to forgive the other person. Like Laurie, it came in time. When I had that, I could then ask for forgiveness for my actions - and only my actions.

Peace & Love,
Sugah