Curious

[cmhcali]

Whenever I do not understand something or have a hard time with something I always research it until I understand it. Whether it be a disease, failed relationship or history, ect...

So now being new to recovery it is something I do not understand. I do not know why I have these feelings. I do not know why I am an alcoholic while others can have one occasionally. I do not know why when I walk into a restaurant the first thing I notice is the drink tent when other people do not even know it is there. I do not know if my feellings are normal.

I do not know the next step to take and I know that people here have had these questions. Lived and Breathed these questions and they are the ones that can help me.

And mostly because I want this spiritual life that everyone talks about. I see people that are happy with their lives today due to AA recovery and I want that. I want to be happy in my skin, not wishing I was everyone else.

Not wishing I was one of my happy married friends. Not wishing I wanted kids and could not figure out at 29 why I was terrified of that idea. Not wishing I was stronger and more successful. I just want to be happy with me.

[nandm]

It sounds like you know what you want. A good course of action now would be to get to an AA meeting (you can find one in your area by googling Alcoholics Anonymous with your city name). Then look for the people who exhibit the qualities you are seeking. Walk up, introduce yourself, let them know you are new to AA, and follow the suggestions in the Big Book. You can purchase a Big Book at most any meeting, or at a thrift store. Best wishes on your search for a better life.

[Tazman53]

The spiritual answers and the learning how to live life on lifes terms happy and sober you will find in the BB, the 12X12, and in the rooms of AA, now if you are looking for the strictly medical/scientific why then I would suggest reading "Under The Influence" &/or "Beyond The Influence" 2 excellent books, both of which sing praises of AA as being a solution.

[cmhcali]

I have been going to AA meetings. I have not however had the courage to reach out. Still working on that. I have been to Open Speak, Open Discussion, Closed Discussion, and also Big Book Step Study. I like them all.

I have also bought the Big Book. I have read the first 3 chapters and the stories in the back. I find that I read it but hearing it at meetings makes it make sense. I aslo have the 12 steps/12 traditions. I have read through Step 3. I try to read slowly and thoroughly. On top of that I have the book with the Thought for the day. Forgot to read it this morning.

I am going to an Open Speaker Meeting tonight. Big Book Step Study tomorrow night and I am going to start reaching out. I am becoming familiar with some members which makes it easier to say hi.

[tkdan]

I would suggest reading "Under The Influence" &/or "Beyond The Influence" 2 excellent books, both of which sing praises of AA as being a solution.

I would highly recommend these if you want to know the why of alcoholism. And through AA you can find the solution to alcoholism.

I see people that are happy with their lives today due to AA recovery and I want that.

I know what you mean, I am just starting to find the joy in recovery. I used to wonder if I could ever be happy in sobriety. I'm learning it is possible if I work at it, and sometimes get out of the way so God can work on me.
I'm like you if I faced with anything in life I try to learn as much as I can about it. With AA I'm not too sure how it works I only know it does work, and for the first time that I can remember I'm ok with not knowing the how it works aspect.

[CarolD]

It's all about time ... or was for me.

I too needed to understand why I was an alcoholic.
Reading 'Under The Influence' convinced me to finally quit.

And Yes! I use God and AA to enjoy my new life.

I went back to the God of my childhood
The Sunday School God of forgiveness and love.

I felt I was solid in recovery when I formally
finished my AA Steps.

Recovery rocks...you too can win over alcohol.

[barb dwyer]

cali -

hang in hon.

The Promises are real.

At the same time,
a good way to trick the self
can be to focus for a day or two -
just a couple of days, I'm talking....
on what you have that you can GIVE to the Program,
and those around you ....
as much, if not MORE ....

on the anticipation of
what we're gonna receive.

Stay late, clean up -
come early set up ...
give someone a ride...
open the door for someone ...
be the first person to say hello to someone you've never seen before...


It's tricky, but it works.

[sugErspun]

I have done a lot of things in AA for reasons I did not understand - but people were suggesting them, to take certain actions almost without question.

Those were acts of faith, though I did not realize it at the time. I would have these moments where I could see clearly what I could not see before said actions were taken. I would go to my sponsor or another fellow and describe my 'insight' or experience - they always explain that I needed to have the experience itself and if they were to tell me what to expect, it would be on par with stealing from me.

The 'why' of having alcoholism became not so important at some point. Most people would describe this as acceptance - "Yeah. I got it [alcoholism]. Now, what do I do about it?" I too, used to see the drink tent and be focused on those types of things.

It doesn't happen anymore. How did this happen? I don't know exactly, but I was changed by taking acts based on very little faith, getting results and that faith has grown and continues to grow.

I wish you the best in this. If I have any suggestion at all - find someone at these meetings who lives the life you desire (true happiness), ask them to take you through the steps, the book...What were they like? What did they do? What happened? Approach this with an open mind and spirit and things will change.

It made all the difference in my life and many many others I know and trust.

[cmhcali]

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I did approach someone last night and introduce myself and said I heard them speak at another meeting and it was really good. That felt good I made a connection. I have another meeting tonight I am going to try the same thing.

[CarolD]

Good plan....

[cmhcali]

I found a sponsor. I spoke with her tonight on the phone. That was hard for me. I will call her tomorrow. I do not know what to speak about. She has given me some simple instructions.

What do you talk to a sponsor about?

I am also going to see her speak at a meeting on Sunday... I am well on my way. It is not easy. I do not have a license for 29 more days so I am really making every effort. Getting rides to meetings.

[tommyk]

Originally Posted by cmhcali

I do not know why when I walk into a restaurant the first thing I notice is the drink tent when other people do not even know it is there.

Difficult concept for us analytical types to grasp... but that's not 'you' noticing the drink tent, it is your 'disease'.

Part of my inner psyche (diseased portion) is in like a 'revolutionary' mode and it wants me to drink, but I don't want to drink. And what I want is what matters, NOT my disease.

I think maybe you're much the same way. Acknowledge the disease, know it is there, but don't feed it (no matter how hungry it says it is).

[CarolD]

Hmm..

What do you talk to a sponsor about?

Whatever you are needing help with.
Especially concerning starting your Step work.

In your next meeting ...look on the literature rack
for the official AA guideline.

"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"

And of course...please follow the directions
she gave you.

It's great to see your progress...

[cmhcali]

Thanks Tommy and Carol. I am feeling really good today. I did call and leave my sponsor a voicemail to check in and say I was having a good day and I am going to a meeting tonight.

It was easier this time.

Tommy as for my disease it does notice a lot of things. I have been good about trying to acknowledge that it is my disease and not me. I find that when I do talk to people about my drinking I get that feeling of the "good old days".

So I will only tell my stories when I am ready and until then focus on my recovery.