Thoughts on surrender

[nandm]

A common theme I have found in people who have had periods of relapse prior to finding any length of soberiety is the term "surrender". I have heard many people say that they realized that in their previous tries at sobriety they fought with surrending to the fact that they could not do it alone and needed help.

I believe that "surrender" was also a key part of my sobriety. When I look at Steps 1, 2, and 3 I realize how much of those Steps is about surrendering and turning our problems over to a HP to help us resolve them.

I ran across this explanation of surrender in a book I am re-reading (I do that with many books as I have found that when I do I always tend to find something I can use that I did not realize was there the first read.). It is from the book There's A Spiritual Solution to Every Problem by Wayne Dyer.

1. Surrender This is first because it is the most crucial and often the most difficult. For those of us who have grown up believing life is a "do-it-yourself" project it is hard to admit that we need the help of many others just to survive for a day. In order to surrender you must be able to admit to being helpless. That's right, helpless.

In surrender, my thoughts are something like this: "I simply do not know how to resolve this situation and I am turning it over to the same force that I turn my physical body over to every night when I go to sleep. I trust my physical body to keep digesting my food, circulating my blood, and so on. The force is there, it is available, and I am going to treat this force that I will call God, as a senior partner in my life. I will take the words "All that I have is thine" in the scriptures at face value. I am willing to turn any problem over to this invisible force which is my source, while always keeping in mind that I am connected at all times to that source!

In other words, the spiritual life is a way of walking with God instead of walking alone.

What are your thoughts on "surrender"?
Do you consider it a key part of sobriety?
What has been your experience with "surrender"?
Any comments, thoughts, or experiences, would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

[SlvrMag]

Strange that I read this now...I just got through reading the first 3 steps in "It works: How and Why".

I have to think about this one, I'll get back to you.............

[Signal30]

If I do not surrender my self will and try to do things my way then I am acheiving little to nothing. If I cling on to old and FAILING habits of trying to do things my way, then why do AA?

Without the Third Step AA would not exist. There's a lot of worm food in the ground from those who clung on to old ideas. When I am ruled by fear and resentment, I am trying to handle things my way. I stop turning them over, I shut God out, and I am left alone. Alone in my own selfishness, self-pity, anger, and misery. I no longer move forward. I become weak to where I would eventually wither and die.

Surrender is not a sign of weakness, but a example of strength and courage.


Tom

[findingout]

One of my home groups is named "We didn't quit, we surrendered" and I was not fond of that when I started. The language in our culture suggests that disease and other problems are something we must struggle mightily to overcome. Many books have been written about battles with cancer and other diseases and of course in the U.S., we like to declare "war" on all sorts of things: poverty, drugs, obesity. How can I win the "war" if I surrender? I felt like saying "I surrender" meant that I was giving up without a fight, too weak to make the effort required to beat this disease and destined to die from it no matter what. I've changed my mind about this.

I surrendered twice in recovery. First, I surrendered the idea that I was ever going to be able to drink like a non-alcoholic and I stopped trying to prove I wasn't an alcoholic by drinking. Second, I surrendered the idea that I could stay sober all by myself. Without a higher power and other people in recovery, I'd be drinking. This was harder. I hated to admit that I could not stay sober without help. I didn't want to show that kind of weakness to other people because it was totally against the illusion of a self-reliant person I had desperately tried to maintain. In truth, the harder I fought to hold on, the farther away I got from the solution.

Surrender to win.

[dgillz]

I have 2 examples, first my own experience and one of the guys in my home group.

In one of my first voluntary AA meetings they asked if there were any newcomers at the meeting and I introduced myself and said "I am here to beat my addiction".

After the meeting an oldtimer came up to me and said "Son, you aren't going to beat anything in there, your ass has already been whipped".

This pissed me off, but when I thought about it, he was right. What was there left to fight? King Alcohol, at 10ft tall and 600lbs in one corner, me in the other, and did I really need to go a few more rounds to determine who would win?

At that point I finally understood surrender and for the first time, actually took step 1 to heart. The rest of the steps followed. If I had not surrendered I am not sure I would be alive today.

A guy at my home group used to sober up for 2 or 3 weeks, go out and get beat up by booze, sober up for a couple of weeks, and repeat the whole cycle several times. Another guy that was trying to help him said he was retreating from, not surrendering to, alcohol.

Retreat means to disengage from the battle with hopes of fighting and winning the war at some point in the future. Surrender means you give up, the other party has won not just the battle but the war.

Drawing this picture for him helped him surrender and take the steps.

For what it is worth, I think surrender is completely a step 1 thing. Steps 2 thru 12 won't take without surrender in step 1.

[Tazman53]

Well I surrendered twice, after 30 years of drinking I began to realize that drinking was causing problems in my life so I took it upon myself to control my drinking, this was really a joke looking back on it, I would limit myself to a 6 pack a day and seeing that I was able to do this for a few days I would up it to 9 a day and have no problems so I would up it to 12 a day........ then I would be right back where I started from, 12 was not enough and I would start having problems again. SOmetimes I would decide to stop entirely for a few days up to a week and figured "I do not have a problem", so I would grab a 6 pack.... then a 12 pack...... then a case.... well once again right back to where I left off or worse.

After 5 years of the above I found myself physically addicted, I had no choice but to drink every day!!! I continued to fight it, but to no avail, I hated myself and the whole world! I was weak and could not even stop for a day or control how much I drank, this went on for 5 years...... until I surrendered to alcohol, I got so tired of fighting it I said to heck with it, I would drink all I wanted when ever I wanted........... it actually was a relief to stop fighting and just give in.

It was not to long after that when my wife told me her and the kids were moving out in a month, they had a new place lined up, my wife told me she was not going to have the children watch me kill myself drinking! I thought to myself "Cool!!! Now I can drink in the house!"

I went to the garage and sat down and drank some more..... I had a moment of clarity where I saw my life in fast forward if I did not stop drinking...... in less then a year every person and material thing would be gone and I would be left with nothing but my bottle slowly drinking myself to death.

It was at this moment that I surrendered, I knew I had to stop drinking but had no idea how............. I needed help!!!!! First I turned it over to a doctor, he told me I needed detox, I turned it over to the folks in detox and they told me I needed AA, I turned it over to AA, AA taught me that I needed a Power greater then myself, they helped me find him and I turned my drinking over to him!!!! I turned my life and my will over to his care........ I surrendered all. I became a winner by surrendering.

[sobergirl77]

I had surrendered...

Then that ridiculous mental obsession, the "voice", started sneaking its way back in. Gradually.

I am/was confused, because I had completely surrendered on my knees to God, begging him to help me stop drinking. Begging him to take make the obsession go away and to take away my self-will. I felt the release and cleansing and the peace. I knew He had heard me.

Yet I found myself roaring drunk again within a few days.

I just don't know anymore. I'm holding out for the promises of doing the steps, there just isn't anything else I can do at this point.

[AW2486]

I remember the Day I surrendered .. My thinking changed that day. I no longer needed AA and the 12 steps. I wanted AA and the 12 steps. I was blessed that my drink obsession was lifted that day.

[Tazman53]

Sobergirl once I truly surrendered I was willing to do anything to stay sober once I got sober, for me I had to be medically detoxed in order to get sober, at that point I had truly surrendered.

When the thought, just the mere thought of a drink popped into my head I was praying then either heading straight to a meeting or calling my sponsor or any one else in the program. Are you doing this the second you think of a drink?

When you are ready, really ready, you will start praying the second the thought of a drink pops into your head, you will either head straight to a meeting or call your sponsor or someone else.

Sobergirl, I can promise you that if you really do not want to drink, that if every time you think of drinking you immediately pray, go to a meeting or call someone the chances of you ever drinking again before you get through the steps will be virtually nil.

The only way you will drink again is if you decide "I am not going to pray, go to a meeting or call anyone, I am going to drink."

[bballdad]

I have found surrender has to be a way of life to me.At first I surrendered,not complied,to the fact I was a helpless alcoholic.
Since then I have come to believe surrender must be a attitude and a way of life for me if I am to keep staying sober and grow spiritually.
When I pray,I surrender.When I talk to my sponsor,and do what he wants me to do,I surrender.
When I live these steps today,I am surrendering to God as I understand God.Every morning I make a early decision,am I going to include God in my life today,if so,I better pray and then listen.If I do not pray,chances are I am not surrendering,but doing it Tommy`s way again.If I just pray,and try not to hear what God wants me to do ,I am still withholding part of my surrender.

bottom line for me,surrender has to become a working part of my life.

we surrender to win in AA

[Dee74]

As most you you know, I'm not in AA but the process of 'surrender' for me was pretty similar to what Judith details...even if I only name it and recognise as surrender retrospectively....

once I stopped fighting myself (which essentially is what I was doing) and once I determined to keep it simple - keep my head down, ignore the addict voice in my head, and focus simply and solely on what I knew was right (not drinking) I gradually began to build up sober time....

eventually the focus moved from simply not drinking towards a more holistic focus of making a new life and a person who didn't 'need' to drink.

And, of course, all this wasn't me alone - the folks here at SR were invaluable with their experience, opinions and support...I didn't have much of a roadmap to begin with, and this place gave me one

D

and although I'm happy to let my comments stand, or be deleted, I really didn't mean to post in the 12 step forum...thought this was the general forum.
My apologies - LOL bedtime...

[RufusACanal]

This thread could not have come at a better time for me. I am big on declaring that at least in my life the drink question has been solved. For all intents and purposes this is true each morning I awake. The disease of Alcoholism does not play by any rule book, nor does common sense cause it concern; only by a Power Greater than I that can and does provide the necessary strength to make my surrender valid each day am I able to make such lofty claims of recovery.

My Mother passed away one year ago yesterday and I am currently home and off work with a miserable chest cold. I am a ******* normally, but I am a truly fat ******* when I am sick. On Saturday, I received a sizable check from my Mother's estate. Today, like yesterday and the day before, I remain a recovered Alcoholic with one legacy I rather not have; I have the remnants of the Alcoholic mind. A swirl of emotions, fear, pain, loss, self-pity, grandiosity, misery, pride almost swallowed me as I gave them their heads to run as they would until reading this thread. Please understand, the emotions are not the problem for I am human, it is all about what I do when confronted with the possibilities that the emotions invoke. I am still responsible; so no excuses.

I played out the possibilities of what I could do with this money. After wallowing abit, I drove to the bank and transferred the majority to my Wife. Before you pat me on the back know that I had thoughts to buy a one way ticket to Paris or London or Budapest and get drunk and stay drunk and await death, because for me to drink now the way I used to drink before would be to die, first spiritually, next emotional and finally physically. Fortunately, it wasn't even close, but that was the old Ron returned, the man who lived for the lights and the sounds of the night and another drink. This was not the obsession returned, but rather the Alcoholic mind which remains regardless of good deeds and psychic changes; once an Alcoholic, always an Alcoholic is how I believe and for good reason.

You see, one of the most important facets of this new life is that I want to continue living this new life first and foremost. I revel in the knowledge that I am free from a majority of the self inflicted, that I am a part of a community and that I am a partner with Elsa in a loving adventure called marriage. I have hope for the future today and I continue working toward that daily. None of this would be possible if I picked up the first drink and if I get close enough to consider the first drink, I have come too far to be saved. Daily surrender to He who has Power is necessary for any hope of continuation in this new life; whether it be conscious or unconscious. You see the scales tilt in my favor more today which reinforces hope for tomorrow. This makes surrender the valid and freeing choice.

Thank you for loving me in spite of me!

Ron

[debs4321]

I have a story about my experience on step 3.

I worked the steps when i first came into AA. thoroughly , so I thought.
The obsession had been removed.
As time went by, I started sponsoring, doing service work, chairing and leading meetings, meeting newcomers etc etc etc.

After I got a year, something happened to me. I stopped praying, I would be angry at the meetings (resulting in me not sharing), stopped talking to my sponsees, stepping on the toes of my fellows. etc etc.

I even toyed with the idea.........that I missed going out with my friends and being able to drink with them.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Somewhere along the way I fell off the recovery wagon. No I didnt relapse, but it could have been in the works.

I consulted with my sponsor and we decided, maybe.......I needed to rework the steps.

So, I worked steps one and two and then took a trip to Akron, for Founders day.

Never had I felt so mouch pain from realizing all the chaos and trauma I had formed by not surrendering my will over.

I truly think, now, that I had only been through the motions. Not really living a spirtual life at all.

Back to the trip.......

When we arrived at Dr. BOB's house, we had the opportunity to do a private tour. When I walked into the house "I" finally made the decision to turn my will and life over to my God" As we proceeded to say the third step prayer at the foot of Dr. BOB's bed, I felt as though I was a balloon and someone had popped me with a pin. All that pain, fear, resentments to myself, anger, etc left me and a warmth filled my whole body. I finally allowed God in my lfe.

WOW! It was an amazing experience.

Of course, I didnt stop there.........there was more work to be done!!!

I will never forget that experience and I continue to truly, with all my heart, surrender everyday.