AA Meeting Question:

[Lily]

Okay, so last Saturday night I attended an AA meeting. When it came time to share I was sharing on acceptance of my sister who is a prescription drug addict and not taking her inventory. While I said I have now come to the point I need to accept her and I cannot change her and how I would like for her to get in recovery I cannot do it for her.

The next person who shared was a woman with at least 15 plus years in the program, however she only has around 21 months right now and also has a undiagnosed illness. She looked right at me and no joke she was yelling at me big time, even saying "you, you, you, blah blah blah need not be sitting there saying you are not gonna take her inventory, but then take it anyway....." no joke she was yelling at me. I maintained eye contact with her because I did not want appear afraid and she was entitled to her opinion, however, when it all comes down to it, she was taking my inventory.

She did apologize numerous times afterwards and all, but my question is this: isn't it the leaders responibility to step in and say, lets keep this on ourselves and if I was a newcomer, I would have never returned to a meeting.

Btw....I have never met her, only seen her, never seen her in a meeting before and she does not know me at all, so it is like I could have been a brand new person.

I am trying to get over it, but obviously it is still bothering me. I told my girlfriend I would never go back there again and she told me I was letting her win. what do you think? Am I letting her win? why am i still mad at the leader guy? Should I ask him how it could have been handled differently?

thanks for your time to read this.

Lily

[Rowan]

I started going to meetings in August of 2001. So I was about a month sober when the twin towers were destroyed. At a meeting soon afterwards, a few people shared about it, and how it affected them. When it came to my turn, I shared about the attacks also. Today, I may or may not have done so. It doesn't matter. The guy after me looked me right in the eye, and with a real loud voice he said that this was Alcoholics Anonymous, don't you know, and that was an outside issue.

Regardless of the subject matter, his behaviour was offensive, and I was targeted because I was easy (brand new, female, sitting next to him). After he shared, I walked out, and began crying in the parking lot. A woman followed me out and convinced me to come back after I composed myself. I did. And I continued to go to that meeting, and to shake that man's hand. Today I can do so without resentment.

It didn't matter to me then whether the chairperson intervened, and it doesn't matter now. And it isn't about winning either. It's about .. I don't know, showing up anyway. I need meetings, and I need other alcoholics. So - that's it for me.

Thanks for letting me share

[Astro]

Hi Lily,

I've been to many meetings over the last few years, not one of them suggests that crosstalk is acceptable, and at most of them it is stated at the beginning of the meeting that it's not allowed. However, it is a boundary that is overstepped on occassion, and sometimes it's very difficult for the meeting chair/leader to interrupt and put a stop to it.

Yes, in a way I guess you're letting her win by not going back to the meeting, but I can understand why it bothers you. I'm a sensitive alcoholic, it rubs my fur the wrong way when someone doesn't behave the way I think they should or I find their actions irritating.

Here's my thoughts and experience on this topic. I don't go to meetings because they're a hotbed of health, I'm there for my recovery and to hear the message. In a roomful of alcoholics it's pretty much a given that I might hear something that I don't agree with. The beauty of this program is that I can leave with what I want and leave the rest lying on the floor. If I don't like what I'm hearing, I have the choice to leave and go somewhere else, or return with the faith that it might be different next time. Usually it's very different, and at times I understand later on that my thinking was so negative I was shutting myself off to the message.

"This too shall pass" applies to many things in recovery, right?

Have a peaceful weekend.

[Signal30]

A woman who used to go to a lot of the meetings I went to had some developmental disabilities. Every so often, she would either fly off the handle, or go completely off topic. Possibly she was bi-polar, some days she was up and some days she was down.

Anyway, one evening she flew off the handle and it had to get to the point where a member advised her to either calm down or leave. She flipped out and left. I haven't seen her since.

It wasn't the guys fault for telling her to leave, she was completely out of control. Some of us have other issues in the head other than alcoholism.

Perhaps this woman was stressed out because of the disease she has. At least she apologized.



Tom

[tommyk]

None of us are at meetings because we don't have problems.

Expect problems, realize everyone is on a journey.

It is hard to do.

Sympathize, empathize, realize you are helping them by acting as a target for their venting.

Be there for them as a way for them to release their aggressions.

Be the 'bigger' person. Suck it up, your time may come, right?

[Lily]

After reading what you all had to say, I guess my pride is in the way and I am still embarressed about how I was treated in front of the room. Granted, it was her behavior, I could just feel my face turn red (it was a candlelight meeting) and I was truly embarressed. I have turned it over and over and it just keeps creeping back into my thoughts. I mean normally I go to the other program, but this one seemed fun cuz the time was perfect....it was just a few blocks away from my home meeting, and my NA/AA buddy who does both programs would go with me and and it was a way to hit 2 meetings back to back while I have childcare in the evenings and now I feel cheated.

When I shared I guess I was just over excited cuz I have 5 1/2 months clean and I am so happy and grateful and I feel like I have learned so much, and just felt majorily shot down.

I guess at this point I am struggling with pride and resentment. I am really trying to check my motives for my anger....

pray for me..... thanks, Lily

[nandm]

I am sorry you had such a negative experience. I think one of the reasons crosstalk is discouraged in many meetings is because of the negative effect it tends to have on people. IMHO people who crosstalk rather than waiting till after the meeting to address the person have let their ego get the best of them. Kind of like the bully in high school. The bully always seemed to enjoy picking on someone when there was a crowd around, they thrived on the attention. It really had nothing to do with the person they were bullying it was more about how it made the bully feel.

I had a similiar experience early one in AA. In fact, I was fortunate enough that even though I never returned to that meeting I was still able to find plenty more meetings to go to as there are hundreds in my area. Today, I no longer hold it against the man rather I see him as the human he is faults and all.

[tommyk]

Just for the record, all of that stuff I posted above... it came from my sponsor.

Some guy at a meeting one night said some stuff to me, I was gonna track him down and beat his ass. I called my sponsor to tell him this guy was gonna get an ass-kicking (you know, like my sponsor was gonna say, "Sure, you've every right to beat his ass...", lol) and my sponsor told me all of that stuff I posted.

Ever since I've kind of taken everything I hear at meetings in stride.

[lizw]

If anyone comments or cross talks on what I share. Sometimes I can't even tell if they are or it's just my head telling me they are! So i say, just leave it they must be sicker than you are to have to do this here rather than pull you aside afterwards etc...

Sounds like you struck a cord with that woman though.

And the chairperson of the meeting can stop people like that but like you and me, chair people are just people too. We're all just drunks trying to live a sober life.

I chaired a meeting at a convention once and was given a list of people to call on to share and this one girl I picked went on and on and on and on. And it wasn't even her drinking career, it was just rubbish. I only stopped her in the end cause the meeting went over time. It was dreadful. I am unsure what I would do if I was chairing a meeting and what you described happened....

Take it easy eh?

[Cathy31]

Originally Posted by Lily

When I shared I guess I was just over excited cuz I have 5 1/2 months clean and I am so happy and grateful and I feel like I have learned so much, and just felt majorily shot down.

5 and a half months is awesome and you have every reason to be excited!

Of course you felt shot down I would've too. Of course you felt humiliated in front of group. I don't see anything wrong with mentioning how you felt, how it affected you to the chair, it would be interesting to hear their point of view.

That woman was out of line, in most meetings she would've been called out (in a nice way) I think the chair did not do his / her job v well - but who am I to judge when I - like you - do not know full picture of chair or this woman...I would speak to chair and this woman and say you're still struggling with it, it really hurt you what can they suggest...also of course go back to the meeting, your action will mean alot to others...we need meetings and some are sicker than others.

Well done for not using over it!!!

Cathy31
x

[CarolD]

Years ago....when I was shocked by the behavior
of another member in a meeting...someone told me

You expect AA to be an example of mental health??

[bballdad]

Lily,here is a great chance for you to practice forgiveness and set a great example for the others.I would go back like nothing happened.Rise above the "muck" of the illness,in others and yourself.Don`t let it pull you down.Maybe you could consider approaching it like it was "no big deal" . It is now in the past,you might want to leave it there instead of giving a past incident power to ruin your todays..When I put things in my HP`s hands,and focus on today,I get better.My sponsor would advise me to pray for her.

and he might say to me
if you think she is bad now,you should have seen her before she quit drinking!

best wishes
Tommy

and Tommy,I got a good laugh at your experience and I appreciate your honesty too..I have thought the same things before

[CarolD]

I want to thank bballdad for helping me find this....

"Freedom From Bondage" in our BB
the final paragraph has specific instructions
on how to deal with resentments.

I have found this worked quite well.

[Lily]

I faced my fear and returned to the meeting last night. It was good and I felt happy being there.

Thanks, Sheila

[Tazman53]

Sheila that is awesome, the chair from what you said should have said something, but being a chair is not an easy job all the time, and some chairs have to lear how to handle things like this. As others have said, do not let her share hold any rent free space in your head, just pray for her and move on. She did say she was sorry, some how I bet she feels worse about it then you do. You have been a good example of acceptance for others who were in the meeting when this happened by coming back to that meeting and just letting the past remain where it belongs......... in the past. Good job and congrats on the 5 1/2 months!