I'll Never Get Sober

[Rowan]

Take what you need and leave the rest, Tib.

I suffered from depression long before I picked up a drink. It wasn't recognized as such - my parents told me I was moody and sensitive. I thought I was hopeless when I first got sober because of the depression. It just seemed too much, too big. Thank God I was wrong. It takes persistence, patience, and time. There have been such painful times where I didn't want to get out of bed, and drag my behind to a meeting, but pain is a great motivator, and I kept doing what I was told instead of what my body wanted. Not always, but much of the time.

Today, I take antidepressants, and my depression is much more manageable. I have tried more than once to treat my depression using the AA program, and my HP. For me, it has been proven beyond a doubt that I need medication. There will always be those who have their opinions about this, and that's okay with me.

I went to a meeting this afternoon and we talked about self-pity. I was mired in it for months and years, which kept me in a victim role. But finally I got sick of listening to myself complain about my upbringing, my depression, my loneliness, my finances etc and took action. Today, I take responsibility for the woman I wish to be. The past shaped me, to a degree, but I can mold that into something more in tune with who I want to be today.

When is your next meeting? Share from your experience, and help another alcoholic. Keep reaching out. You are no longer alone.

[sugErspun]

Originally Posted by tiburon88

I don't want to drink but I continue to do so. That is insanity.

Tib, are you saying that you can't choose if you will drink or not?

It's ok - I have the same problem. There was a certain freedom in the realization that I was unable to choose to not drink, or to drink. Alcoholism ran the show in that regard...

Today - my sobriety has NOTHING to do with choosing not to drink at any given time. The thought of drinking on a given day, or a given moment has disappeared from my life. No temptations, no triggers, no thoughts of alcohol..I go anywhere, anytime. I am now a free man.

The point of all this - IT IS POSSIBLE, mental illness or not.

[tiburon88]

I continue to pick because I seek a temporary relief. Alcohol/drugs provides that to some extent. Although it doesn't work as well as it use to.

[Rowan]

Yeah, you're right, it's temporary. You know the outcome, though. You end up beaten, ashamed, and remorseful.

Persevere, Tib. Recovery is possible!

[bballdad]

I sat on my pity pot feeling sorry for myself and I confused it with depression at one time in my life.I could not even get out of the house it was so bad.

[tiburon88]

I take an anti-depressant. Anyone want to throw it in my face about how alcohol is a depressant? My doctor says I should continue to take the Lexapro even if I drink! Many folks in AA don't know what a real mental illness is.

[JohnPainter]

hey,

seems like a lot of people have some strong feelings about this post, so I guess we can assume that more than a few of us can strongly identify with the feelings you've conveyed. first of all, alcoholics or addicts who haven't found a sufficient substitute for their addictive behavior or substance ALWAYS go back to it, or replace it with another. I say this out of bitter experience. I now have three years without a drink or drug, but the difference is that I've sought help for the underlying reasons of WHY I drank and used drugs. we become addicted to booze or drugs for a reason, or reasons. some kind of counsel, either with a qualified professional, or with a very good, trusted friend is absolutely necessary to break us out of the old way of life. a good sponsor or therapist can provide the kind of feedback, assuming we are being completely honest with that person, that can help us through tough times. serious depression and deeply buried feelings, in my opinion, require professional experience for help. priests, pastors, spiritual advisers, counselors, or anyone whose business it is to work with people in serious trouble, can be life-saving-ly helpful.

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by tiburon88

I take an anti-depressant. Anyone want to throw it in my face about how alcohol is a depressant? My doctor says I should continue to take the Lexapro even if I drink! Many folks in AA don't know what a real mental illness is.

You are right tib, many of us don't have a clue. Could I submit a consideration for you?

Could it be that maybe you can't sober because you are filled with resentment and maybe self-pity because of your situation that manifests itself in a general "F***k you" attitude? Maybe the depression isn't the problem.

Just something to ponder.
Jim

[tiburon88]

Yeah I do have a lot of resentments towards the world. The trouble is when you feel hopless about life year after year it takes its toll on you. When I relapse I feel like I don't have any other choice. I have "tunnel vision" towards that drink.

[LosingmyMisery]

My biggest trigger to drink is thinking about all the stuff I messed up in life. I hate addiction.

I can relate. What a viscous cycle it can be. It came to a point that I had to accept that my drinking was what was messing up my life. Treat your illness, but not will alcohol. That will only exasperate the situation. Don't give up on yourself. I thought I could never quit either. When I was finally ready, I put for the effort and it worked.

[Signal30]

Originally Posted by tiburon88

Dr. Pincuda, I am not making excuses. However, it is harder for someone to stay sober when you have a mental illness also. I don't want to drink but I continue to do so. That is insanity.

I'm not a doctor, but just about everyone I know in AA has a developmental disability of some kind. I have suffered from depression for many years. AA is working to not only keep my sober but also helps be get out of ruts. Alcohol is a depressant.

Go to your doctor be honest with him/her.
It is crucial that you are honest with him/her. How are they going to help if you don't give them the information about yourself that they need?


Tom

[tiburon88]

I think I'm going to take a break from posting for a while. I told 3 members of AA my "slip." I refuse to beat myself up any more and move forward. I notice the AA bullies have spoken which I expected. I have to remind myself that there is more to life than a sobriety date.

tib

[ruch]

I will misss you, Tib. I related to you when I read your posts quite a bit. Hopefully they won't chase me off the site too but I can definitely see it being very possible.

Good Luck!

[Signal30]

Good luck tib. Perception differs from those who choose to see what they want to see. Many on here sound like they are trying to help you. I'm sorry if you are taking offense, but you reached out, and we are reaching back to help you.


Tom

[LosingmyMisery]

Please do not mistake caring and sharing as bullying. We were right where you were and remember what it was like and what it took to make the necessary changes. It may not seem like it now, but I think nothing but the best intentions have been posted here. I wish you well.

[AW2486]

Originally Posted by tiburon88

I notice the AA bullies have spoken which I expected.

You will always be welcome to any AA meeting no matter how many times you slip/relapse .. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

My dad did two prison terms .. 7 treatments.. was diagnosed with every mental illness in the book. One day the miracle happened and he lived sober happy joyous and free for the remainder of his life.

I pray that you keep trying.

[Signal30]

Originally Posted by tiburon88

Yeah I do have a lot of resentments towards the world. The trouble is when you feel hopless about life year after year it takes its toll on you. When I relapse I feel like I don't have any other choice. I have "tunnel vision" towards that drink.

"Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principle with who we were angry." (BB, How It Works. 1st Edition)

Your not alone.


Tom

[warrens]

This is really too bad. I've not read each post or even very carefully (this thread).

I thought that "the desire to stop drinking" is all that is needed both here and AA. What of compassion, empathy, unconditional support?

I remember Tiburon posting about 3 months ago or so. I remember his "condition" then. I would have never thought it possible that he'd have made it 2.5 months.

No one arrived here, at AA, or at the liquor store as a result of their mastery of perfection. Some are "masters" here, some of us mere apprentices. This place needs both, I think.

I will let no one drive me off of here. Sobriety, short and long term, is too important to me. I may stumble. I may have some things to learn. My recovery may differ from some others.

Tiburon, I applaud your progress. I admire your courage. I don't agree that you "will never get sober." I believe you can. Let's continue our imperfect journey. Do not lose your desire. Do not give others permission to make you feel inferior. Keep expressing without fear of reprisal. It is important to your recovery, not only from alcohol, but from depression.

warren

[tiburon88]

Thanks EVERYONE. I do feel a bit better now. I guess thats a good thing.

[Signal30]

tib I have been there, trust me.

I had Glock 27 .40 cal to my head once with a shaky index finger on the trigger. A ringing cell phone distracted me. It was a AA member from a hot line calling me back. I wasn't in AA yet and was drunk.

Nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

I never told anyone that until right now, not even my sponsor.

There is a solution.

Tom

[LosingmyMisery]

I'm glad you feel better. It took me years and years of struggling to get to the point of where I am today. What I can say to you is...never give up trying. You are well worth the efforts. I truly believed that I never would be able to achieve sobriety. I thought it was capable for everyone, but me. I was wrong and I'm happy for it. You can do this!

[laurie6781]

Tib I am sorry you are having a hard time. None of us are doctors, however, I know it took over 5 years of trial and error with my psych Dr before we found the right combination for me and I was 9 years sober when we started.

Yes I take Lexapro but I also take Neurontin and that seems to keep my Bi Polar in check most of the time and the world doesn't always look black any more, nor do I end up in that damn abyss that it feels like I will never get out.

So maybe it's time to talk with your Dr and see what is going on with the depression, which can be a great deterrent to getting sober.

My prayers are with you that you find a solution for you.

Love and hugs,

[RufusACanal]

Originally Posted by jimhere

And lastly, and this may ruffle some feathers, I believe that there are many in AA who are taking prozac and zoloft for self-pity in stead of facing the root of their problem.
Jim

(Checking feathers; no ruffles That is a topic if I ever heard one; maybe there is more than one positive way to face my problems. I am at odds with my own use of Paxil, but experimentation is not in the cards for me. I will not risk the life I have for the off chance that Paxil is not working.