Serenity and acceptance of others

[jjaaam]

This may not be “drinking related” so to speak…but it kind of is.

Mods, feel free to delete if you think this is too off topic.

One thing I am longing for is true serenity. Patience. I am pretty well known for not having any, especially with my family (my wife in particular). With me recently quitting drinking and attempting to pray more and get in more close contact with God, I feel that I am making some progress.

I have a question regarding my wife. She is very good for making comments that I react very strongly to. When questioned about them, she states that “I did not mean it that way” and she gets offended. She feels that since she “did not mean it” that no one should be offended by what she says.

A simple example is this: I really have no hobbies save for playing guitar. I used to play in bands but I haven’t for years due to my work schedule. I only play once a year at a friend’s party.

I have a two-week vacation coming up. We were discussing plans as to what we were going to do. I mentioned that I personally have nothing going on except a practice for this party one night. I told her it was on July 1 (a Tuesday) and she made a comment to the effect of “so…that means we cannot make any plans to do anything? We can’t plan to leave to go anywhere over the weekend?” I asked her what she was planning to do and she said “nothing, but that means we can’t go anywhere”.

Now…to my mind that came across like she was put out about it. It’s not like we had anything planned or set in stone. I don’t hunt, play softball, or do anything else that takes me away from the family. All I do now is work, go to meetings, and try to repair our relationship on the weekends.

Am I wrong for reacting to this? Or…as the Serenity Prayer says, should I just accept that this is just the way my wife is and that I can’t change it?

Many (and I mean MANY) of our fights are due to this kind of thing. My wife and 17 yr. old daughter fight all the time, and many times I feel it is due to these types of comments. My daughter tends to react to them as I do which just sets things off. When I hear these things happen between them my wife expects me to side with her even though I feel that her comments are what set things off in the first place...but I can't say that to her. Granted, my daughter can be very disrespectful and I cannot approve of that.

Like I said, this relates more to my acceptance and serenity more than anything else.

I know if I bring the issue up my wife will just get upset and it will ruin the whole day. Been there...done that.

Should I just try to apply serenity and accept my wife for the way she is? It’s just very hard for me. I feel like I am having to just suck it in. Maybe that is what serenity is all about.

Sorry if this is too off-base, but it really bothers me. The feelings I get from her comments, at times, really are a trigger for me to think about wanting to drink. It has been a big issue with us for YEARS.

This may be more of a relationship issue than everything else. My wife is pretty strong willed about things like this. She truly feels that since “she may not mean it” that she has no understanding about why people may react to her statements. She feels that she is doing nothing wrong, and won’t apologize for anything.

Sorry to rant.

[ananda]

hi there....well the internet doesn't carry over tone and voice quality so it's hard to say....but the one thing i was going to say was the words just sound like asking for clarification...trying to be sure she is understanding the situation correctly...but tone would have a HUGE impact on that....

I struggle with that with my son and it is a lot about the tone of voice and facial exressions....I am learning to focus on the words only...but also share with him when we aren't in the middle of it about how some of this stuff affects me and both he and i work to make things more comfortable as we do share a house and do effect each other.

But it is big for me to accept that i can't change him...only my reaction to him wich may or maynot allow him to change as well.

[Sugah]

I have one teenage (over 18) son I have tangled with quite often because I respond to his irrational statements and questions when what he asks has little or nothing to do with what I've said. Things are a lot more serene when I answer his question based upon the information I provided him, not his overly broad implications.

Me: "I have to be in X Friday evening, and your father has to be in Y Friday afternoon."

Him: "So that means I can't have a car this weekend?"

Me: "If you have plans Friday afternoon or evening, you'll have to make plans for other transportation, as there won't be a car available."

You're only responsible for your response - not the way she asks questions, so perhaps the serenity you're looking for is in your own response. Do you answer the questions, or debate the way they're phrased?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[jjaaam]

Sugah...

I DEFINITELY debate the way they are phrased.

You know...the old "it's not what you say but how you say it" routine...

[DSodaNow]

Your wife sounds a lot like my mother. My mother has a lot of personal unresolved issues with her emotions and past and she is always the martyr. I have learned to not let these comments get to me and not dwell on them. This is her issue.

However... I was able to move out of the house and start a seperate existence.

Have you guys considered marriage counseling? My husband and I are in therapy and it has been very helpful. We are both learning to identify and express our emotions and thoughts in an appropriate manner.

Good luck with your music! I think you should do it. Tuesday is no where near the weekend!

[Sugah]

jjaaam -

I have found, both in the rooms and out in the "normie" world, that I can make someone else's problem my own very easily. Take the kid above I was talking about. He might be almost nineteen years old, but he's the roller coaster kid of emotions. If he's in a bad mood or stressed, he will spread it all over the room.

Three of my four children are legal adults now, but they all still live at home and all still have chores they're expected to do. Because my husband and my aforementioned son are so much alike, any directions coming from my husband to him when he's in one of his moods ends in an argument. Used to be the same with me until I decided I would ignore his moods. That doesn't mean I don't care about the way he feels. I tell him on a regular basis that if there's something he wants or needs to talk about, I'm here.

If he chooses not to share what's going on with him, I proceed with business as usual. That means if he's laying heavy sighs all over the place, I still smile and say, "The garbage needs to be taken out."

Is it the most pleasant situation? No, but I refuse to become involved in a problem unless I'm asked for help. He needs to be accountable and I need peace of mind. Perhaps treating your wife the way I treat my adult child isn't the best answer - but know I use the same sort of responses with my husband. Remember, I said he's a lot like our son.

"Dear, you seem a bit stressed. Anything I can do?"

"I'm fine."

"Okay. Then I'd like to go over my schedule for the upcoming week if now's a good time."

Gives him an opportunity to share what's on his mind, and if he chooses not to share, I'm still living my life.

Sorry for the long post. I'm the queen of loquacity.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[bballdad]

ok,gonna try this for the 3rd time,the first time did not take...

been there
great topic for contented sobriety and peace-lov it!

2 things
1-my wife used to say something and it would trigger something inside me and certain negative feelings would arise in me and let the war begin.I`ll draw the battle lines!

I call it emotional inebrity,instead of emotional sobriety.I have had to go back to the steps,10-12 many many times to get over this stuff.I have spent a great many hours inventorying myself and praying,etc to get better.Also,if what you say may arouse certain negative feelings in me,then it may be the same for you.Maybe I need to be more considerate what I say to others???It is a 2 way street for me..

2-communication is the key to good relationships.When communication fails,the relationship is next to fall.My wife and I have had many talks during our marriage.I have learned to listen too.We even had said,when you say this or that,I feel like this or that.I don`t know why,I just do.We have learned to be more considerate of the other during this time and to phrase things with consideration of the other in mind.It has paid off for us.It has been quite a few years since we had a heated argument.We may get irked with each other,but thats a lot better than a knock down drag out fight with the kids watching.

If you can get a copy of Tom Brady`s talk on emotional sobriety,grab it and give it a listen.You may be able to relate.

best wishes for a happy,peaceful family!

Tommy

[miss communicat]

Originally Posted by bballdad

If you can get a copy of Tom Brady`s talk on emotional sobriety,grab it and give it a listen.You may be able to relate.


Tommy

any ideas of where to get that tape?

[gravity]

My wife does make comments that fire up those old negative emotions (fear, anger, jealosy). I can either accept her the way she is or I can retaliate (used to do this always).

I overthink it of course:

Is she deliberately trying to hurt me?
Is she trying to start an arguement?
Is she just not thinking about what she is saying?
Does she think what she is saying is not offensive to me?

Stuff that I used to always do and still do when I am in a bad mood.

I do my best to accept my wife as she is at any given moment. I try not to react negatively. This stuff always passes. And the more often I simply accept it, the less it seems to happen.

I am in the process of trying to make amends for my past behaviour, the serious hurt I caused her, and it is only right that she have as much time as she needs to heal. I love her and she has been by my side through it all. There is a bigger picture here.

In addition, when I bring these type of concerns to my sponsor, he always tells me accept my wife as she is, she doesn't have a program to address her issues.

For me, acceptance equals serenity.

[bballdad]

Miss C,I`ll look and get right back to you.
I believe I still have it,If so,I may be able to email it to someone.

[bballdad]

Primary Purpose Workshop Tapes
Miss C
scroll down
it is there near the bottom
I love the price-free

[Tazman53]

jjaaam sometimes it is just easier to accept it when first said and then later calmly ask her to explain what she said, I know I say things on the spur of the moment and the way it comes out is not the way it was meant to be said...... I try to not let what others say or do upset me, expecially if there is nothing I can do to change it.

Most of the time when I argue it is ego driven...... my ego in my eyes has been hurt at the instant something happens..... when I calm myself down and slowly say the serentiy prayer I am able to look at what was said or done and see that there is no reason to get upset or nothing to be gained by making a stink over nothing. Yes sometimes my ego gets bruised...... but it always seems to heal a lot quicker when I stay calm and do not make a stink over it.

I need to accept that I am far more sensetive then I should be.

[lizw]

I'm a AA member but I have learnt how to communicate with people I have relationships with through Al Anon and after reading the orginal post this Al Anon story springs to mind.

A daughter and mother were taking their husband/father to the hospital to have an eye operation and all the father/husband wanted to talk about was how awful the brother/son was and how he was a good for nothing blah blah. So after they reached the hospital the father/husband gets taken away for his operation and the mother and daughter comforted each other and openly spoke about the how the husband/father was just unable to acknowledge his own fear around the operation but instead choose to put down the brother/son.

Words are just words and what people say isn't always what they mean. The other thing the Al Anoners talk about a lot is that we are all children of god. Until recently I didn't know that in the bible it says, "Blessed are the peacemakers because they will be called the children of god."