Anxiety about attending an AA meeting

[Kristina]

This is my first post and I apologize in advance that this is a long posting and that I'm seeking advice despite not already being a member of the community. I don't have anyone to talk to about this in "real" life and from reading through the forum people here seem really friendly and helpful.


My drinking has been out of control for a long time now, but I think I've been in denial about it because instead of being a daily drinker, what I have always been is a binge drinker. Sometimes it's a few times a week and sometimes I'll go a month without drinking, but once I start drinking, I can't stop. Lately it has gotten to the point where I will drink a half a bottle of vodka or more in a single night, because what I really want is that feeling where you go from buzzed to all the way drunk, and I'm so happy when I get there because for just a little while I feel numb and forget why I'm upset. That of course doesn't last for very long and then I am an emotional, and sometimes physical wreck.

In the few years, life, as it does, has taken some major terms and the emotional load I've been dealing with has seemed easier to kill with alcohol than trying to work through what has been happening. I've had so many nights (sometimes several a week), that I've ended up so drunk and out of control. I'm humiliated the next day thinking about how I've acted and the things I've said, and I just hate myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a party at which I drank at least two bottles of wine, probably more, and am so embarrassed by my behavior that I fear running into the people who were there. What's worse is that I drove home from that party, absolutely trashed. The whole time I was driving home, I kept saying "I want to get caught, I want to get caught, I want to get caught." I didn't, and thank god I didn't harm myself or anyone else.

That wasn't the last time I drank, I've gotten drunk three or four times since then, the last time was Tuesday night. Yesterday I woke up and was finally ready to admit to myself that I am out of control, absolutely, completely out of control. I can't remember the last time I had one or two drinks, although often (but not always), I start out with that intention. As soon as I take one drink, it's like I have to keep drinking.

What I really want now is to quit drinking for good. I know there is danger with binge drinkers having a false confidence because we don't drink on a daily basis, and I want to go to AA to find help and a community and a program, but I am having huge anxiety over going to a meeting. I've read about what happens in a meeting, what to expect and that I don't have to talk in the meeting if I don't want to. I guess the anxiety comes from having to talk to people before or after, and seeing someone I know. I know that is totally illogical because obviously they are there because they are alcoholics and not to judge me, but I feel really ashamed that I can't control myself and have to get help. I don't know anyone else who can't control their drinking, and I'm afraid that people will be disappointed in me.

Yesterday I read through some AA literature on their website, and thought that maybe I could do the program on my own at home, but by yesterday evening, I was already wondering if I should do it "one last time" and then start, which I know is very dangerous thinking, and I don't WANT to do it one last time, but I'm afraid that if I don't find help then as soon as I'm sad or upset or whatever, I'll go right back to drinking.

I realize I didn't ask any specific questions because I don't really know what my questions actually are, I guess I'm just wondering if other people felt the same way and some assurance that going isn't as bad as trying to control it on my own.

[AW2486]

First off Welcome to SR!

For me it didn't matter how many times a week or month I drank.. It's what happened to me after I took the 1st drink.. I would crave more and more.. and bad things would usually follow. I couldn't control the amount anymore.

I was very nervous when I attended my 1st meeting.. I'm glad I had an open mind. They told me my story as they were telling theirs. I did not feel alone anymore and I wanted what they had, I've been going back ever since. 22 yrs so far.

Glad your seeking to stop.. Have an open mind.

Best of Luck
Andy

[Sugah]

I think almost everyone feels anxiety about their first meeting. Though logical, it's not so easy to remember that everyone in that room has the same problem that you do. One thing you might try to break the ice a little - call the local hotline and see if you can find someone who will be willing to meet you outside a meeting. Then, you don't have to walk in alone, and it makes before and after the meeting easier.

You're on the right track, Kristina. Most of us find we really can't do this alone. I'll pray you find strength to walk into that meeting.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[miss communicat]

Kristina

Big welcome to SR!
Its great that you are seeking help and answers with your drinking dilemma. I was anxious going into my first AA mtg and it helped me to arrange in advance to meet another woman before the meeting for a cup of tea and then walk in the meeting together.

It just so happened that I had some people around me who were AA's, because i had gone to some AlAnon mtgs with them, but you can call the local AA telephone number and ask for a woman member to speak to. Its our favorite thing to do; help another alcoholic to find sobriety.

Heck, if i were there, I'd go with you.

(Imagine all of us here at SR following behind you like the Verizon gang, backing you up!)

It'll get better and better with others to help you.

Good luck~

[gravity]

Welcome Kristina!

Wow, can I ever identify with your post. I was also a binge drinker (similar drinking pattern) who finally had enough (no more denial).

I went to my first AA meeting six months ago and have been sober ever since. Prior to my first meeting, I did experience huge anxiety but it really did lessen with each meeting I attended (completely comfortable after about 10 meetings).

I was also ashamed that I could not control my drinking. But I balanced the initial shame I felt about attending an AA meeting against continuing to try (and failing) to “control it” on my own. There was such a huge price to pay for drinking. I had to quit. I eventually realized that my inability to control alcohol is nothing to be ashamed of – it’s a physical condition.

I did run into people I know at AA meetings. At first, it was a bit uncomfortable but they have turned into a big part of my support network. We have become friends.

As far as disappointing people, those who love me are genuinely relieved that I am getting help (I found this out after). They knew I was struggling (I wasn’t hiding it as well as I thought) and they were very worried about me. In any case, it is your sobriety, your life. The only people who will be disappointed are those who don’t understand alcoholism or want you to keep drinking.

AA is an incredible community and program. Six months ago, I totally hated myself and I was so frightened of the future. Today, my sobriety is strong and I am experiencing significant personal growth. I accept who I am and I feel good about life. I have an incredible support network including new friends. And it all started by reaching out to AA for help.

[CarolD]

AA is an Awesome Adventure!

Please read this link if you have not...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-about-aa.html (Curious about AA?)

For me to get sober....I had to want to more than I wanted to drink.
That's where AA comes in...its a classroom for recovery.

Do keep posting with us........Welcome!

[tommyk]

Welcome...!

I loved this phrase: "Yesterday I read through some AA literature on their website, and thought that maybe I could do the program on my own at home..."

That was me. Only now, after several years of meetings, do I understand the comedy of that statement. No offense, I'm not making fun of you, it just reminds me so much of where I was. I had 1,000 questions and at the same time I had all of the answers.

Go to a meeting, discover what I mean.

[Kristina]

Wow, I am overwhelmed by everyone's compassion, kindness and warmth. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and advice, I really am overwhelmed.

I think the advice to see if someone can meet me is great, that seems to make it a lot less scary. I found a women-only meeting near me tomorrow that I decided to go to because it seems a lot less intimidating for some reason, so I will call in the morning and see if I can arrange that.

Tommyk, I know you didn't mean that as poking fun. I realized yesterday that when by the evening I was thinking about whether or not to go on one last bender and also having anxious feelings about trying to imagine never drinking again that going it alone didn't seem feasible. I'm glad to know I'm not the only person who thought that at first.

Thanks again to all of you, I can see that I found the right place to seek advice and a community.

[Kristina]

I forgot to mention, CarolD, that I did read that page and am so grateful for all of the information about what goes on in meetings, that I won't have to talk at first if I don't want to, and how it works. Thank you!

[Signal30]

Really, when it all comes down to it, it just means you have to get up and go to a meeting. Just do it. Remember it's Alcoholics Anonymous. No one will judge you at the meeting. The best thing to do at your first meeting, is just listen.


Tom

[CarolD]

Glad you checked back with us...even better
that you will be connecting with other women in recovery.

We Rock!...

[Kristina]

Thanks for the continued support!

I didn't go to the meeting I'd planned on today, I chickened out. I'm planning on tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.

[Cathy31]

Let us know...I also prevaricated for ages - it was so frightening, i was dry mouthed, traumatised in the car park so many times! What a beautiful relief when I finally got in (for me, it helped to call the aa number and ask someone to meet me outside so i would not chicken out) I cried throughout that meeting. WHat a relief= I was not bad, mad, I was just an alcoholic and I will never forget the love with which I was greeted.
Please let us know how you get on! There is nothing to be afraid of but I think it's the same the world over, we're all afraid to make that first step - it's huge but oh so worth it!!!!!
Cathy31
x

[Tazman53]

Kristina, I can attest that no one will bite you or judge you, my first AA meeting I was not scared at all................ I was drunk as a skunk and just did not care what any one thought or said!!!! I was not going to that meeting to get or stay sober, I was going to that meeting to show my wife I was going to stop drinking!!!!

Well here I was at an AA meeting drunk on my butt and every person there was gald I was there, no one said a mean thing to me, they all let me know that I was welcome and they were glad I was there!

Well it was another 4-5 years before I went to my second AA meeting...... I was in detox and AA was part of it. I was still welcome to be there. I have found sobriety, love, friendship, Experience, Strength and Hope in the rooms of AA. I found the ability to life life on lifes terms sober and happy in the rooms and steps of AA as well as a Higher Power I understood to help me in life.