Amends and Forgiveness

[tanyapmc]

When I was getting sober this time I was extremely willing when it came to the steps. I was so sick and tired of the disease and I was truly dying.

I jumped into the steps immediately and did a thorough 4th and 5th step. I got through 6 and 7 without any trouble and got onto making amends.

I did all of my major amends except for my step-father. He was the first person on my resentment list. When it came time for amends I just COULD NOT do amends with him. I was worried that at 17 months sober that I had not done the amends with him. His part was so big that it was hard to see my part. But I DID have a part and I knew that. I just kept praying for willingness. I read the big book where it said that if we do not finish our amends that we would drink again. That scared me!

Oh Father's day weekend I went and spent the night with my step-dad and Mom. I went to church with them of Father's day. The topic/sermon was on forgiving your earthly father. I was shocked. I felt like I was being talked to individually.

The preacher went on to say that the best Father's day present would be to tell your earthly father that you forgive him.

Actually I had forgiven my stepdad a while back. BUT I had NEVER told him. THAT was my part. In a way I held him in bondage by not telling him that he was forgiven.

When I left that day I hugged him and told him that I forgave him.

I don't know how he felt about it but I felt WONDERFUL. I still feel great.

I have such a bigger appreciation for the amends process not.

I feel like I just got sober and am riding the pink cloud again.

[ananda]

thank you tanya - I had suffered the consequences of my fathers actions as a child. When i got sober the first time, i actually didn't think it was a big deal...then i crashed and burned at 2.5 years. My sponsor and i talked and i kept saying i forgave him. She said how can you forgive him when you've always taken all the blame and never thought he was at fault....wow....

So began a long journey over the next 15 years. For me it was not a simple process and it required that i really understand the damage he had caused, and how that had affected me. Later i started to see how out of my damaged self I had then acted in ways that harmed myself and others. I still had not really thought that I had forgiven him until a number of years later the childhood abuse issues resurfaced in a way that was very damaging and dificult for both my father and I.....As our family came together to deal with the problem....I realized that I had forgiven my dad...we talked about it just one time at that point and it changed our relationship.

My father died 2 years ago June 7th. It was a very difficult time and i was drinking. I missed being with him at his death as i had gone into detox (it didn't take that time). through the last 2 years i have seen my mother truley suffer as she had not forgiven him all those years. I see how much forgiving eased my suffering.

At my fathers funeral I spoke about all the gifts he had given me, and they were numeouros. He was a good man who did some evil things. I called it "gifts my father gave me". In the end I said that the greatest gift my father gave me was the gift of forgiving and being forgiven...for those harms wether real or imagined. And I believe that is true.

Sorry if i sorta went on too much in your thread Tanya....I've just really been thinking about the forgiving part of ammends. I'm not even sure how exactly the BB discusses this...just knw how it worked in my life. I wish my father had lived to see me return to sobriety again.

Thanks.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Maybe it's cause Father's day was last week, and I'll be seeing my dad this weekend, but I've been working on my amend to him and have hit a roadblock.

Thanks for this post T..it has helped me to see a few things.

[sugErspun]

I heard a wise person once say in regard to resentments :"If I only have a part - than you still have a part and I have not disregarded it completely"

Basically - if someone still has their part of a resentment - than the resentment is still there.

My book says I am to put out of mind the wrongs of others and 'resolutely looked for our own mistakes" ....and...."Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely".

For me - when I got to making ammends - I am only seeing the wrong and harm I have caused.


bb references: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt5.pdf

[BP44]

Sugar, hitting the nail on the head. For me, amends is about setting straight the crooked path and doing whatever I have to do to make the books balance. If I have a part, then so does the other person. My experience is that when you still have a part, I'm still a victim. If I'm still a victim, then you still own me. And I don't want to be owned. Two of my major resentments were towards my biological father and my step father. My biological father left when I was 4 months old. How could I possibly had a "part" in that, or the pain that it caused. When I disregarded him entirely and looked where I was wrong it was revealed that where I was wrong was carrying the resentment over all this time, and allowing it to grow. My step father was a particularly nasty character. He was a good man as far as a provider and all, but he was just one of those guys that was always demeaning, unsupportive type of fathers. He was the type of guy that would deliberately "forget" to put film in the camera on your graduation for spite. I had to disregard all of these things entirely and look at where I was wrong. I was able to look at all the times I was disrespectful, dishonest, a thief. Times when I robbed him of his emotional and financial security. This was important. And it came to me that maybe he wasn't treated well when he was younger. Maybe he was doing the very best that he could with what he had. That's what 4-7 revealed to me was that I had given life my very best shot with what i had and continued to come up short. And God loves me anyway. And if he does that for me, then he does that for every other human. It shows me how much and why I need God in my life. This is about the beginning of being stripped of judgement. The making of amends is about setting the other person free from me. As I begin to accept others as they are I begin to fit into and belong in the world.

[sugErspun]

I will add that I listened to a lot of 'tapes' of people who worked the steps in a very similair way to me - and when I was writing my fourth column on the fourth step I paid extra close attention. I really got a lot from listening to them share their experience - particularly resentment which they could not have had anything to do with (Like you shared BP). Also about Jews who had resentments toward Hitler - and moved past it. Child abuse victims getting free of that pain. It really works. The Power we have tapped can heal it all.

How did these people get free?

Cleaned their side of the street and forgave. Saw those who harmed them in a new light.

When I looked at the wrongs I had done on paper in that fourth column - the wrongs of others lost their power over me. At step 8 - I put down on 3x5 cards exactly the harm I had caused that person.

Then I prayed over each one, some red lights have turned to green and I have made ammends - some are still red, I still pray to be shown when the time is right to approach these people. But there isn't anyone I haven't approached because I still harbor ill will, I believe to do so would probably cause more harm...all in God's time.

Thanks for sharing Tanyapmc - I believe you will be healed of this.

[Tazman53]

Great share Tanyapmc, I still have amends to make, I find freedom form self with each one, I still pray for the time and the place with my first wife, I still struggle with forgiving her, but I find I am able to see why she did what she did to me, the hard part for me to see is what she did to the kids. I have a ways to go on that, but I am slowly getting there.