Another look at Resentments

[RufusACanal]

Resentments are those nasty, angry and self indulgent feelings that live like bathroom mold in the nocks and crannies of our lives. Psychologists have a million clinical names for the same old story; anger individually packaged and wrapped for reuse.

While working the Fifth Step some years ago, my then Sponsor mentioned that I was one of the angriest persons he had met. He went on to say that anger and resentment would most likely kill me faster than booze. (Of course at the time I thought he was an a**hole for saying the words, let alone speaking to me in such a tone.) Why was I so angry? Why did I always have a readymade excuse to be angry? The answer today is relatively simple. I lived in fear! I was scared of everything. If I was not admittedly scared of it, I bullied it or conned it. Resentments were basically self justified fears made into what I believed to be secure excuses for my past, current or future behavior. "Wouldn't you be mad if this happened to you?"

So how does anger and that renewable resource; resentment, kill? The best analogy for me is the nurturing and growing of a plant. Without proper light, air and food, a plant will slowly die. Introduction of extremes or poisons will break down the natural defenses and the plant will succumb to any number of tragic ends and die.

Resentments are like a slow acting poison bombarding the personhood of those who jealously harbor them. Just like a plant, our nature defenses of common sense and intellect fall away under the constant attacks and the sick emotions take control. When a resentment is fortified with the word RIGHT, we are doomed to relive it over and over again. Being RIGHT dooms more people than any earthly disaster.

How do I begin to defeat resentments on a daily basis? I learn to accept others as they are. I learn to forgive others immediately. I treat others as I would like to be treated. I no longer do it alone. I surrender to a power greater than myself, God, whom lovingly calls me his son. I desired the combined experience, strength and hope of others to see clear the path to sanity. Many of my resentments were based in tragic fact, yet no resentment is exempt. I had to break down the emotional lies of RIGHT and the so-called prudent justifications of my life to get to the bottom of how I was so completely powerlessness and unmanageable.

Reprinted and edited

[suki44883]

Very interesting. Thanks for sharing.

[tommyk]

I came to the conclusion that it takes a lot of my 'energy' to hate (resentments = hate).

Every time a particular person or incident came to mind, I would allow hate to take over my mind, and I would 'grind' over it for hours in resentment.

Now I realize that resentment is is like grabbing a red hot object with the intention of hitting someone I resent with the red hot object. But I hurt (burn) myself so badly in the meantime is just isn't worth the pain.

Good topic.

[suki44883]

I don't think resentment equals hate.

[ANGELINA243]

Well said Rufus! It does say in the BIg Book that "Resentment is the 'number one' offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else" (pg 64--4th ed). When I feel resentment towards something/someone I like to read pg 552 --last page of "Freedom From Bondage". One alcoholic tells of how they handled resentments--which I have put into practice--because I find that it works for me. (Although it may not be within the first 164 pages--it is one alcoholic sharing their experience, strength, hope with all of us>which--to me--would be the same as listening to somebody share in a meeting. It starts out --"He said, in effect: 'If you have a resentment you want to be free of........' " (and goes on to say what worked for them). I find that it works when I am willing to work it.

[ananda]

Thanks Rufus - our preamble says we are a group of alchoholics that share our esh with each other....so anything an alchoholic shares with me on how they stay sober is helpful for me

I think I believe resentment is anger that goes on past the moment it happens.

It does basically boil down to fear for me. I use to jump right from I am angry, to what am I afraid of....it worked but only sorta....it seems i have to really accept the angry part as well as getting to the fear part. I've always said the biggest problem i have is not feeling "safe" this is at the heart of all my problems. So my misdirected/applied/over the top instincts kick in.

The thing that i don't quite get yet is that anger does seem to motivate me out of sitting on my a$$ letting life happen to me and out into action and actually participating in my life...not acting "out of" the anger...just that it causes me to look at myself and decide to take different actions.

Life today for me is not about being safe...but acting in spite of fear.

So ... more confused than hepful...but is where i am at today on resentments.

[dgillz]

Rufus,

Thanks for sharing. I also appreciate anyone's ESH. Even from a yankee like yourself.

[RufusACanal]

Ahhh dgillz, I am more than grateful to be the willing refugee! God told me the other day in a causal conversation that Alabama was exactly how he pictured perfection; especially when the Tide was on the field. How can you argue with God?

[dgillz]

Rufus,

Indeed, I never argue with the Big Guy in the sky. Roll Tide!

I wasn't sure how you'd take the yankee comment. My uncle always said a yankee was anybody north of I-10. I guess the Mason-Dixon line meant nonthing to him.

[Emimily]

big guy, that's what i call god! haha...

great share, rufus. i was telling my sponsee (and myself) that we need to accept 100% of the people in our lives, not just the 86% that we like. we expect that acceptance from them, and that's the only way to create safe intimacy. or something. anyway, i appreciate the topic...

[AW2486]

Great Thread..

I use to love stewing in resentments.. it was like a warm fuzzy blanket.

But now after somehow working through the steps.. When I get a resentment it makes me feel super uncomfortable. I don't like it .. Have to do something about it right away. That is one of the many miracles that has happened to me.

One way I try to avoid getting resentments .. I try not to put any expectations on anybody or anything. I have the most success at that when my spiritual condition is in good order.

[bugsworth]

Rufus...Just like a plant my friend, you show the beauty that this earth is so willing to provide. I post this here regardless of the fact I am no longer an active member of aa.

You always provide food for thought....I appreciate your words...your insight and your overwhelming essence of self.

Thank you for the share and the post!

[Tommyh]

there`s something about them I don`t like about me!

they tell me I can`t spot it unless I got it
the same goes for good,if you spot it,you probally got it somewhere inside

tks everyone,good topic

[RufusACanal]

What insanity; I will hurt me to get back at you.

[ananda]

drinking poisen and hoping the other person dies!

I heard that in meetings all the time when i was attending drunk and it was one of those things that really stuck and helped me to get to the point of getting sober.

That was so me with my alchohol and resentmets.

[navysteve]

I have been unable to think my way out of resentful thinking. I hear people with "tools" to keep them from resenting others. The only thing that worked for me was the twelve steps. I hated deeply when I got sober. Particularly when I started to make headway on step 9 I found that steps 6 and 7 began to take on new meaning. I worked steps 6 and 7 by forging ahead with step 9. When I clean up my side of the street I can look the world in the eye again. I begin to lose that tunnel vision which kept me prisoner. I can still not think my way out of resentments, I must take action

[tommyk]

Originally Posted by suki44883

I don't think resentment equals hate.

I sincerely hope that most people don't associate resentments with hate.

It just seems that my obsessive twisted mind can take a resentment, no matter how inconsequential, turn it from resentment into anger-rage-ire, then shortly turn it into full-out hate.

The snowball effect of 'stinking thinking'.

I also hope that anyone else who recognizes this problem with resentments in themselves can identify it and work to get it under control.

[Tazman53]

Great thread Rufus, I have heard it said that holdiing a resentment for someone is like letting them live in your head rent free!!!

The steps freed me from some very old resentments that were eating at me for many years.

Funny thing I have found by working the steps, people that I claimed I did not have a resentment for before getting totally honest with myself and the world I found were renting space in my dark recesses of my head without me being really aware of it.

I have found so much insight into myself through working the steps, the more I apply them to my daily affairs, the better I understand myself and the world around me.

[RufusACanal]

Resentments are parasitic in nature. Resentments are extremely adapt at finding ingrained negative emotional nourishment. Resentments are amoral and lawless. Resentments exist for the sole purpose of destroying their host and anyone who comes into contact with the infected host. Resentments do not concern themselves with the possibility that you might rid yourself of their destructive infestation; only your continued acceptance of their occupation.

[ananda]

just a question....does anyone find that they have resentments about past actions of others that significantly harmed you and in which you played no part in the initial injury? Did anyone have to seek outside help in addition to step work in order to be able to give up the resentment?

Thanks for any imput.

[RufusACanal]

Yes; this variety of justifiable resentment is to me the most deadly. Having said that, any resentment can be turned over to God coupled with action on my part to forgive and accept the things I cannot change.

[navysteve]

Yes, I sought outside therapy for one year. One thing about AA, it is truly great and amazing, but sponsors are not therapists ( usually). I was told to pray about certain things that I should have been told to GET HELP with, I finally got outside help, then and only then was I able to turn back to the steps to grow spiritually

[RufusACanal]

Definitely Steve...