I would rather be me

[RufusACanal]

For years as I viewed life passing me by and I envied the possessions, the skills, the physical appearance, the mental capacities of others. Of course the podium I was sitting on for this view was on top of a bottle of Vodka and with the advent of another opportunity to live free that excuse no longer serves.

So who do I want to be? I would rather be me. No longer do I pine to be someone else, with other abilities. I prefer to be me. I look forward to the endless possibilities that will unfold for me in this new life.

I would rather be me.

[tommyk]

Being comfortable in one's own skin is truly a blessing.

Good post.

[Tommyh]

freedom from self,and the bottle,freedom to live

[bugsworth]

I wonder if the view is different from the top of a vodka bottle than from a bottle of rum? LOL

Damn I know I am busting in another 12 step thread but you are my friend and I know you won't mind...I too like me now...warts and all!

P.S. No warts really just a metaphor!

[nandm]

Thank your Rufus, for the reminder of what sobriety and the 12 Steps have given me. When I arrived at AA's door I had no clue who I was and figured that there was no point in knowing that person anyway as I would probably not measure up anyway. Today, I know who I am, I can define myself by more than just what career path I have chosen or not chosen, by whether I am in a relationship or not, etc.... Today, my skin is a pretty good place to be most days. I truly appreciate your reminder that sobriety gave me the life that my addiction had swallowed.

[AW2486]

Originally Posted by tommyk

Being comfortable in one's own skin is truly a blessing.

You know.. There are two different places I've been able to achieve that feeling.

1. After the first drink
2. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps

[ananda]

gosh - this thread made me think....might not be too on topic but here goes....

When I got sober this time one of the big hinderances to my recovery was my inability to let go of who I was the last time I was sober. I had reached a level of comfort and thought I knew who I was...I had been very happy with that self definition for many years sober. But.....i was changing and i couldn't let go of that set idea (old idea) of who I was....I clung to it and when i began to drink i clung to it even harder.

Now i am having to let go of my ideas about who i am. who i am will constantly change over time...it isn't even about better or worse, sick or well, it just that all things change...including my "self".

so i see this as a journey of letting go of my old ideas about self...even the ones i got after i got sober

[RufusACanal]

I can really appreciate that thought... I always thought I needed new tools when I already had all the tools I needed.

[NoelleR]

1) "...I would rather be me..."
2) "...Being comfortable in one's own skin is truly a blessing..."
3) "...Originally Posted by tommyk
Being comfortable in one's own skin is truly a blessing.
...Originally Postd by AW2486
You know.. There are two different places I've been able to achieve that feeling.
1. After the first drink
2. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps..."
4) "...I always thought I needed new tools when I already had all the tools I needed..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, a big AMEN to all these.....and all the rest on this thread, too; I just plucked those that REALLY struck an immediate chord within me....... (o:

That last one (#4) really struck me and reminded me of a time, with many 'one days at a time' behind me, I was setting up for another run-thru of the steps.....well, I knew just who I wanted to guide me through them; he truly had some qualities I wanted.....now plz, don't take this next part as extreme ego, but after going through the steps with this person I found that what I wanted 'in him' I ALREADY had in me.....I guess it sometimes just takes that nudge to see it..... o:


NoelleR

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

I struggle with "being me". It is better than it was when I was drinking, but it is still there. I struggle with the letting go of ego...I care too much what other people think of me, what impression I'll make on them.

Hard work, but I'm hoping to find acceptance one day.

Thanks for this post...

[LosingmyMisery]

I prefer to be me, the new and improved me. Firstly, I had to discover who I really was in the first place. To do that, I had to give up the bottle and do some serious soul searching. I had cut myself off from the outside world and set limitations for myself. I placed myself inside a box and stepping outside was very difficult. I have to be willing to step outside of my comfort zone. Today, I realize the only one holding me back is me.

[Tazman53]

This is a great thread. For 40 years I did not know the real me, I had a conception of who I was, but that was clouded by pride, booze, guilt, shame, and a fear of who I really was.

I spent many a year trying to quit drinking by simply not drinking, when I quit all of the pride, guilt, shame, and a fear of who I really was was still there, I had made no effort to change or find out who I really was.

Once I reached the point where I had, had enough to drink, I became willing to change and find out who Martin really was, for me the path to change and discovery of who I was was the 12 steps of AA.

I swallowed my pride, I worked the steps with my sponsor, most of my guilt, shame, and fears are gone now, my pride most of the time is smaller then a door way if I am in proper spiritual condition, and I now know who Martin is, I am comfortable in my own skin, I have areas I need to improve and I keep working on them, I have learned to accept me for who I am, I am more then aware that I am far from perfect, I am happy today to be progressing.

[tkdan]

I was on a never ending cycle. I did not like me because of my drinking. I would sober up and I would not like me sober. I would start drinking again so I would not have to face my feelings about myself. I did not like me because of my drinking, and the cycle would continue for many years of my life. As long as I don't focus so much on me it is much easier to like who I am. That is the paradox, when I let go of who I am I can accept who I am.

I prefer to be me.

I can't think of a better way to know you're moving in the right direction in sobriety.

[RufusACanal]

..And the miracle of finding me is that it is truly the reprieve from death fashioned by a loving Maker. He saw something I did not; this Greater Being did not give up on me and decided in His infinite knowledge to provide me one more opportunity at this thing called life, a new life.

[jimhere]

There is a price to pay for everything.

I've been out of work and have been doing the old job hunting routine. I've resolved to be myself and not resort to embellishing the facts on applications and in interviews.

Long ago I also decided that I would no longer sell out my values just to get a job or please anyone else. Taking this position is one big reason why I no longer am employed at my previous job. I was outspoken about things like safety and treating human beings as human beings rather than a tool to be used and discarded. As a result I was one of the first to go when the lay-offs came. And I am quite sure that my previous employer has been telling prospective employers that I am a troublemaker because I've been passed over a few times for positions that I am more than qualified for. Lately I have been out front with interviewers about that and I can see that it makes them uncomfortable.

So, I've found that being myself is not always a comfortable thing.
Jim

[RufusACanal]

You inspire me to not give up when the going gets tough and to continue to seek the hand of God when all I could find in my heart and mouth to do was ridicule Him. Your perservance helps me remember to stay on the path. Thank you Jim.

[gravity]

A couple of years ago, a counselor told me I was like a chameleon. Trying to project a certain image at work, at home, in bars – everything at odds with each other, exhausting stuff. I thought I was doing a fairly good job at keeping my drinking separate from my family and work (I wasn’t). When I could no longer deny that my drinking was bleeding into all areas of my life (it’s so obvious now) everything kind of collapsed.

I’m still working on deflating my ego (didn’t even know what an ego was until I joined AA). I certainly feel different. I no longer have to hide in a bottle or try & be someone else. I am pretty much the same guy wherever I am - it was the result of working through the steps, of this I have no doubt.

My little boy once told me that he thinks of me, that he loves me even when I am away from home. He thought I was working. I was on a bender. It’s just so nice to come home from a road trip & hug my kids – not trying to hide the sickness, just happy to be with them. Same dad at home, same dad when I’m away.

Comfortable in my own skin? Most of the time. But then, six months ago I would have given anything to be someone else.

[mrhodes01]

I keep looking back to the "perfect me" of two years ago (when I'd been sober a while) and wondering what happened. How did I wreck my life again after building it back up?

I haven't been comfortable in my skin for over a year, and that's a new feeling for me--I finally lost enough and got low enough to get desperate enough to work this program.

I haven't been perfect, but I'm practicing spiritual progress and trusting with some patience I'll once again be able to love myself.

Thanks.
MR