A spiritual experience

[Rowan]

We read Step 12 at my meeting tonight - and I left my book in the car, but I recall reading something about Step 1 - and that until we accept our powerlessness over alcohol, the obsession will not be lifted. Forgive my paraphrasing.

I have spent a great many months obsessing over alcohol. Craving it. My first time around, this was not my experience. So here I was this afternoon, trying to explain to my partner why I still had a difficult time being around alcohol. And I told him that alcoholism is a disease that wants to kill me, that it was a matter of life and death. And I realized that it was true.

When people would speak of this being about life or death, a small part of me would think, "oh no, not me. I can always make it back. I've done it twice before." But I was wrong. How do I know that I won't get behind the wheel of a car yet again, or attempt suicide (as I am wont to do when drinking)? Who am I to say that I'm in control of the outcome?

When I shared this, I was standing outside in my backyard on the deck. The breeze moved through the trees, and then, gently through my hair. I was crying, and in emotional pain, but I felt His presence as I haven't since my first year sober, when I got down on my knees for the first time and felt a connection that took my breath away.

I am still in a great deal of emotional pain. I'm having difficulty being heard, and I'm having difficulty listening without judgement or ego.

I would invite any prayers you have to offer.

Thanks for letting me share this stuff.

[grateful2b]

Ro, thank you so much for sharing this...It touched me deeply..prayers that your HP continues to touch your heart, lift you up and give you strength and understanding...love and light, grateful

[gravity]

Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps so much.

After I read your post, I went down to the lake to think about people who are struggling right now. I also said a little prayer for you. The lake is still, no clouds, almost a full moon – peaceful.

The Creator does not want any of us to suffer. We are here to help each other and our experiences, I think, are meant to strengthen us so that we can be there exactly when we are needed. As hard as it can be sometimes, there is a reason for everything.

There have been times when I was really struggling that I have prayed for peace. The feeling I experience is one of acceptance - it is time to move on.

My sincere best wishes.

[sugErspun]

It was moments like those Rowan that I used in my second step to say: "Yes, there is something greater than I - and I have no idea what it is or how it works" - but it was enough, that little conception I had - to move on and take action with only faith that it could work for me, I could be rid of "it". I somehow was able to toss aside previously held conceptions (and contempt for that matter) and use the simpliest of things - like the feeling I get sometimes in the ocean, or when time has stood still and I knew everything was alright in the world. Simple things, and they opened me up to this power when I acknowledged that I could not produce the experience myself..

I guess you could say that I used experiences like you describe to make that decision at the third step, faith turned to fact in my life and I became more and more willing to test it - and still do.


Thank you for sharing that most private of experiences - one of the best things about AA is that we have these experiences with that power, and even though people's experiences vary in so many ways - there's a definite understanding there: "I know what you mean - that's it exactly!"

Tks

~a

[Tazman53]

Rowan it will come in time if you keep working for it, for some it comes quickly, for others slowly....... but it will always come if we work for it. In a step study last night part of the 12 & 12 on step 3 jumped out at me and it validated my experience.

Willingness leads to faith, which leads to more willingness which builds our faith and this cycle continues as long as we keep working it.

Rowan I pray that you will continue to be willinig to exercise faith to where you can become more willing leading to more faith.

[jimhere]

Rowan, Your experience helps to dispel the notion that a spiritual experience feels good. On the contrary, it can be quite uncomfortable.
Jim