Another AA question

[flgirl]

Hi folks,

I have a question about sponsors "suggestions". I have been going to meetings and doing as I have been asked to do. I have a birthday party for a friend tomorrow that I will be attending. I told my sponsor and she was like, "well, I would got for a bit and then excuse myself saying I had an appointment". The thing is, when she said she would be attending a certain meeting tomorrow evening and hoped to see me there, I told her about the party and that I would most probably go to an earlier meeting. She said that "well, you'll do what you want to do". I almost feel like I was being told that I have to rearrange my personal life to suit her dictates.

I understand that my sobriety should be first and foremost. What I don't really understand is being told which meetings I should attend, and being made to feel guilty for wanting to spend time with good friends, as long as I am taking care of myself and doing what I should. Please do not think that I am not grateful for her help and support.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

[ANGELINA243]

First question--will there be alcohol at this party? Is it a traditional birthday party or "party/hang out" party? Maybe she is concerned...either way a meeting is a meeting in my book....just be sure and call her before...and maybe afterward. It couldn't hurt.

[AW2486]

Originally Posted by flgirl

Any feedback would be appreciated.

Well here is my feedback..

Sounds like she wants you to attend the party and then see her afterwards.

Not a bad idea if you ask me.

[flgirl]

The problem is that the party is tomorrow evening. It's just a regular birthday party, but won't start until 8:00. I will miss the meeting she wants me to attend. Am I reading too much into her suggestion?

[CarolD]

Hmm...I suggest you do go to an early meeting.
Then....

Go to the party...if you get antsy ...leave.
That means you take your own car.

What a blessing that
your new sobriety has been for your driving issues!


Enjoy!

[flgirl]

Thank you Carol. I am planning on going to a morning meeting. Driving has been so good that I am gonna end up with a speeding ticket. And my response is gonna be "Thank you, sir, may I have another!". It just bothers me that my sponsor actually sounded irritated when I mentioned that I had plans. I can see that she has a great deal of wisdom, but I don't like being controlled, and that is how it feels to me right now.

[lightseeker]

I've found that the best thing that I can do when I am confused about anything my sponsor says is to clarify it with her. That way we can identify if it is "my" stuff or hers

[Rowan]

Lightseeker has the right idea. Talk to your sponsor and see what comes up. Clear communication is key.

[CarolD]

Well...
a sponsor is to be a mentor for working your Steps.
If you read the official AA guideline for sponsorship

"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"

it might help you with defining sponsorship.

Relax FG....let your recovery flow
your making excellent progress....

[flgirl]

I thought that I was being quite clear about my plans and she was quite clear about her expectations. I told her that I was planning on going to an earlier meeting and that did not appear to sit well with her.

[Rowan]

"and that did not appear to sit well with her"

seems to be that you are trying to read her mind. If you don't think it sits well with her, ask her why.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Is this a new meeting for you? Possibly your sponsor wants you to go because it's a good meeting that she thinks you'll get something out of. Is it your homegroup meeting? My sponsor suggested to me that it was important to always attend the BB meeting that I met her at. I can now see why..it's my favorite meeting.

The only way to find out is to ask.

[ananda]

My sponsor and I have gotten our wires crossed several times. It has been important to me to learn to just tell her what is in my head about a conversation that is bugging me...let her respond....so far it has ended up that I simply wasn't sharing openly enough with her about my doubts and personal beliefs...She isn't at all demanding, yet I am oversensitive.

However, a previous sponsor I had did not work out well for either of us. It was kinda my way or the hiway, and she is no longer my sponsor although I really appreciate her kindness and respect her sobriety. The sponsorship pamflet helps me alot.

In the end, my sponsor shares her esh with me. Especially early on in our relationship, she does not always know all the different aspects that go into making decisions in my life. So she shares ESH, I listen, I respond and we work together on possible solutions. Ultimately I am responsible for my spiritual growth and sobriety, and I must make the decision that best takes me in the right direction.

Its amazing to me how often I can turn a simple choice into a moral delima! I remember rule 62 and move on....

[serenityqueen]

First of all flgirl, you are doing wonderful . . . you ask for opinions, share your feelings and admit when your troubled. Keep on doin whatcher doin!

I know as a Sponsor, if one of my Sponsee's who is still fairly new in her Recovery told me she was going to a birthday party for a friend on a Saturday night that started at 8:00 pm, MY mind would throw up some red flags.

My alcoholic/addict mind would be thinking, uh oh, she's going to be partying with the old people, in the old places and with the old things . . alcohol.

When you said it's just a regular birthday party,the regular birthday parties I used to go to meant lots of drugs and alcohol. Maybe that was her thought too? If there isn't going to be any drinking or drugs there, did you let her know that right away?

No matter what is or isn't planned at the party, you and your Sponsor should talk a bit more about this. Ask her if it's the party that concerns her or you missing this particular meeting.

How about letting your Sponsor know that you'd like to be able to call her when you get home, just to let her know how it went. I would word it like that instead of saying, "Do you want me to check in with you when I get home?"

I'd like to share a driving story with you. One Friday night a friend was giving me a ride home from a midnight meeting when he got pulled over for what we found out later was for a burned out tail light. We had to drive through an end of town that's pretty well populated with bars. The cop came up and asked him if he had been drinking tonight and my friend looked at him and it just rolled off his tongue, "No, as a matter of fact, I got my six month token tonight." This cop had no idea what he was talking about. I had to keep from busting out laughing.

God Bless & Keep it Simple,
Judy

[flgirl]

Hi Judy,

It's just a regular (not me drinking) party. Nobody has addressed my issues about feeling controlled.

[CarolD]

Originally Posted by flgirl

Hi Judy,

It's just a regular (not me drinking) party. Nobody has addressed my issues about feeling controlled.

OK....you feel your sponsor is controlling you
Perhaps...but so far has she done any damage to you?

Part of the allure of my drinking was the feeling I had
of being all knowing and I valued my independance.
"Look at ME! I'm super woman!"

Then in recovery...I found I needed direction and
structure in order to find humility.

Without humility I was going to drink again.
Ergo...I had to find a new way to enjoy life.

And BTW....no one needs to be at a party
exactly when it begins. You could attend
the meeting as your sponsor suggested
and go later to the bash.

Blessings...

[gravity]

When I was still drinking, alcohol was controlling me. In my first couple of months of sobriety, I barely controlled my obsession to drink. I reached out for help and my sponsor is giving me direction not only on the steps but on living sober through these critical first few months.

If my sponsor wanted me to go to a meeting instead of a party, he would have his reasons for being concerned. He knows my story, my strengths, my weaknesses. Controlling me? No. I can always make up my own mind. It's my sobriety.

However, I usually take his direction and thank him for it. I have tried getting sober on my own and it just doesn't work.

[bballdad]

Bill W wrote once:
only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking,solid honesty,and genuine humility.


A sponsor sometimes tells us things we do not want to hear.We`re alcoholics,and alcoholism is a illness and one of the things about it is we don`t like being told what to do.My sponsor can see things about me I cannot,and I need to listen to my sponsor.History has proved he was right.The only time I would not listen to him is if he wanted me to do something immoral,or illegal,or if it hurt someone.He would not ask me to do that either.
I suggest you do as your sponsor requests and then talk with her.

[bballdad]

are you sure you are not romancing the idea of a drink?

[ananda]

I'm willing to address the "controlling issue" I think I already said this...my sponsor shares her experience strenght and hope...she does not tell me what to do. Different things work for different people. I do well with the kind of sponsorship I have found. I don't jump from sponsor to sponsor, but if I believe that my sponsor is being controlling, after we discuss it and i share with other program members that i respect to be sure i'm not just going through some crazy me thing,.....i change sponsors...but that's just me.

[flgirl]

Hi guys,

I wanted to say thanks for listening and offering your wonderful advice, as always. I don't what it is about Friday nights, lately, but I just seem to get into a nasty snit and take things the wrong way. I don't know if it's because I'm just tired by Friday evening, or if Fridays are a trigger for me.

The funny thing about anybody worrying about me going to a party where there is alcohol is that I was always the one who DIDN'T drink. My drinking was always done alone at home because I knew there was no telling how much I would indulge. It never occurred to me that she might be worried that I would be tempted. I'm not very proud of how my mind has been working lately. I've been much too oversensitive and judgmental. My emotions are still all over the place, but I am hanging on.

Thanks!

[BP44]

This is exactly why we have sponsors. If we have been honest with them and worked with them awhile, they can sense when we are off the beam. My sponsor makes clear concise suggestions for a reason. He does not care whether I follow them or not. His recovery is not effected by it one way or the other. He made it very clear when we started working together, " If you don't stay, I will not lose any sleep, I will find another alcoholic to work with." This had an impact on me. It put it on me to either do the work or not. Follow suggestions or not. Commit to the program and the fellowship or not. There are some meetings for me that are non negotiable. Group conscience is one of them. I am commited to home group meetings. And since our home group has alot of meetings, there are certain ones I will not miss unless absolutely neccesary, particularly the newcomers meeting, Big Book and step study meetings.

[Signal30]

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