Children and AA meetings
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
I would have to agree with group conscience of the meeting on this topic.
For example, my home group decided that cell phones ringing during a meeting can be very disruptive (as have most groups that I attend). We announce at every meeting that if you have a cell phone you need to turn it off or on silent mode so you do not disrupt the meeting. That was voted on at the business meeting and is group policy now. If anyone has an issue to bring up regarding that policy they can address it at the business meeting. We also announce the time and location of each business meeting so everyone has an opportunity to voice their opinion.
If the group has an issue with loud and/or disruptive children they have every right to have the membership vote on not allowing children between certain ages to attend or to provide child care and activities for children. Further, in an attempt to avoid confusion when looking for a meeting, the AA web site does indicate if children are welcome or unwelcome at any given meeting.
So again, I feel it is up to the group just like the topic, cell phone policy or whatever. I participate and vote at my home groups business meetings so I can have my voice heard. We have not had a major problem with children disrupting a meeting and we do not want to turn anyone away who wants to attend therefore our group has decided that children are allowed at our meetings. I would suggest that if it becomes a problem at a meeting you attend regularly, attend the business meeting and bring it up.
Good topic, thanks for posting it and remember this most important bit of info - children make great sweepers!
For example, my home group decided that cell phones ringing during a meeting can be very disruptive (as have most groups that I attend). We announce at every meeting that if you have a cell phone you need to turn it off or on silent mode so you do not disrupt the meeting. That was voted on at the business meeting and is group policy now. If anyone has an issue to bring up regarding that policy they can address it at the business meeting. We also announce the time and location of each business meeting so everyone has an opportunity to voice their opinion.
If the group has an issue with loud and/or disruptive children they have every right to have the membership vote on not allowing children between certain ages to attend or to provide child care and activities for children. Further, in an attempt to avoid confusion when looking for a meeting, the AA web site does indicate if children are welcome or unwelcome at any given meeting.
So again, I feel it is up to the group just like the topic, cell phone policy or whatever. I participate and vote at my home groups business meetings so I can have my voice heard. We have not had a major problem with children disrupting a meeting and we do not want to turn anyone away who wants to attend therefore our group has decided that children are allowed at our meetings. I would suggest that if it becomes a problem at a meeting you attend regularly, attend the business meeting and bring it up.
Good topic, thanks for posting it and remember this most important bit of info - children make great sweepers!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 428
Originally Posted by kj3880 
I know some people think I'm paranoid, but I'm not sure some understand the stigma that drug addiction has in certain jobs. People who work in elementary schools, military intel, prisons, police, and medical professionals are fired all the time when drug addiction is discovered.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
ok,good thread,several points
first,I agree with Jim when he said
the newcomer isn't the most important person in the room. No one is the most important person in the room. The traditions are about unity and the good of the group comes before the good of the individual and if I were more important than you, where's the unity there?
second,open meetings in my home group are speaker meetings.
Now a lot of single parents come with their children.Over time the kids benefit from the rest of the group and get to know us.We get to know them.We get the chance to be of service to the parent and child.
AA meetings sometimes draw people who are predators.They may look for victims,like kids.We try and help with the safety of the kids while they are there at our meeting.It is the parents main responsibility,but we can and do pitch in too as, the group has some responsibility..some single alcoholic moms or dads may not have a safe place to leave their child for a hour or two,so we welcome them
first,I agree with Jim when he said
the newcomer isn't the most important person in the room. No one is the most important person in the room. The traditions are about unity and the good of the group comes before the good of the individual and if I were more important than you, where's the unity there?
second,open meetings in my home group are speaker meetings.
Now a lot of single parents come with their children.Over time the kids benefit from the rest of the group and get to know us.We get to know them.We get the chance to be of service to the parent and child.
AA meetings sometimes draw people who are predators.They may look for victims,like kids.We try and help with the safety of the kids while they are there at our meeting.It is the parents main responsibility,but we can and do pitch in too as, the group has some responsibility..some single alcoholic moms or dads may not have a safe place to leave their child for a hour or two,so we welcome them
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
It is important for me to remember that the tradition follows (I wont get the wording exact, but am sure someonelse can correct it)
...but the individual follows close after...
It seems to me that lots of members find creative ways to meet the needs of the majority and of the minority, the old timers and the newcommers.
Pretty much sounds like it's working pretty good most places
...but the individual follows close after...
It seems to me that lots of members find creative ways to meet the needs of the majority and of the minority, the old timers and the newcommers.
Pretty much sounds like it's working pretty good most places
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
What a wonderful thread!
When my Son was about 6 or 7, I had a 7 month period of time where I went to at least 2 meetings a day, everyday, at an AA Club in my area. My Husband at the time worked second shift and since I was taking time off work to focus on my Recovery, full time, our money was tight therefore, I couldn't afford a sitter. Fortunately Brandon was very well behaved. I took a coloring book, crayons, anything to keep him occupied. During one particular meeting each week, when we went around the room introducing ourselves at the beginning of the meeting, when it came to Brandon, he wouldn't miss a beat while he was coloring and without looking up,"My name's Brandon, I'm Judy's Son" At the close of the meeting, Brandon was right there in the circle, holding hands and saying the Lord's Prayer with us.
On my 6 month anniversary, my sponsor at the time was passing out tokens and when it came time to ask if anyone was celebrating 6 months, Brandon yelled out, "My Mom is!" (I still, to this day get a tear of gratitude in my eyes thinking of how proud he was of me that day.)
When I began reading this thread, I was thinking to myself that if someone's child cannot be well behaved like Brandon was, then they have no business bringing them to a meeting. I have to admit how one sided this was of me, how selfish my thinking was. I will now be much more tolerant, remembering how much I needed those meetings every night when I brought my son.
Thank you to everyone who shared their opinions in this thread. I realized that with going on three years in Recovery, even though I am not a crusty oldtimer, this is another way that I can reach out to someone in the Fellowship.
God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy
:ghug2
When my Son was about 6 or 7, I had a 7 month period of time where I went to at least 2 meetings a day, everyday, at an AA Club in my area. My Husband at the time worked second shift and since I was taking time off work to focus on my Recovery, full time, our money was tight therefore, I couldn't afford a sitter. Fortunately Brandon was very well behaved. I took a coloring book, crayons, anything to keep him occupied. During one particular meeting each week, when we went around the room introducing ourselves at the beginning of the meeting, when it came to Brandon, he wouldn't miss a beat while he was coloring and without looking up,"My name's Brandon, I'm Judy's Son" At the close of the meeting, Brandon was right there in the circle, holding hands and saying the Lord's Prayer with us.
On my 6 month anniversary, my sponsor at the time was passing out tokens and when it came time to ask if anyone was celebrating 6 months, Brandon yelled out, "My Mom is!" (I still, to this day get a tear of gratitude in my eyes thinking of how proud he was of me that day.)
When I began reading this thread, I was thinking to myself that if someone's child cannot be well behaved like Brandon was, then they have no business bringing them to a meeting. I have to admit how one sided this was of me, how selfish my thinking was. I will now be much more tolerant, remembering how much I needed those meetings every night when I brought my son.
Thank you to everyone who shared their opinions in this thread. I realized that with going on three years in Recovery, even though I am not a crusty oldtimer, this is another way that I can reach out to someone in the Fellowship.
God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy
:ghug2
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
if they can't be quiet, I prefer they not be there.
I go out of my way to attend meetings where I'm fairly sure kids won't be there.
I have no problem with kids who can be quiet and non-disruptive. It's the ones that walk around, talk, move chairs, bang toys, talk to their parents (or anyone else in the room who will engage with them) whine, cry, climb ... basically receiving no guidance from parents that bother me.
Such disruptions and take away from the singleness of purpose of an AA meeting in the first place... and, in my opinion, thrust childcare on members of the group who are probably not up to the task of raising other people's children.
Sorry to be so sour sounding, but disrupting a meeting is disrupting a meeting.
There's a sanctity to a meeting of Alcoholoics Anonymous that is disturbed by such behavior whether it's a drunk who can't be quiet, or a child who is dragged to a meeting they don't want to be dragged to. They don't want to be there, and they're going to make every person in that room pay for it.
And they do. And their parentl ... let them.
We have meetings all over town here.
One that is kinda 'kids oriented' is at a local church that has not only toys on hand, (these meeting swtake place in classrooms) but a playground that there's almost always an adolescent abvailable to 'watch' the kid for an hour so mom or dad can catch a meeting. It's a no smoking location and far better for a child than the people who drag their kids to the smoking meetings uptown.
I've seen a good bit of this, as you can tell.
Usually, someone from the group will tell the parent about the other meeting,
and suggest they attend those, so their children can have a more enjoyable hour along with their parents.
I'm always amazed,
though at the ones who insist on putting their children,
as well as other alcoholics, into that kind of environment.
It feels like some kind of forced labor on our part to keep the other person's kid in line so we can get through a meeting as a group.
Just my two cents.
I go out of my way to attend meetings where I'm fairly sure kids won't be there.
I have no problem with kids who can be quiet and non-disruptive. It's the ones that walk around, talk, move chairs, bang toys, talk to their parents (or anyone else in the room who will engage with them) whine, cry, climb ... basically receiving no guidance from parents that bother me.
Such disruptions and take away from the singleness of purpose of an AA meeting in the first place... and, in my opinion, thrust childcare on members of the group who are probably not up to the task of raising other people's children.
Sorry to be so sour sounding, but disrupting a meeting is disrupting a meeting.
There's a sanctity to a meeting of Alcoholoics Anonymous that is disturbed by such behavior whether it's a drunk who can't be quiet, or a child who is dragged to a meeting they don't want to be dragged to. They don't want to be there, and they're going to make every person in that room pay for it.
And they do. And their parentl ... let them.
We have meetings all over town here.
One that is kinda 'kids oriented' is at a local church that has not only toys on hand, (these meeting swtake place in classrooms) but a playground that there's almost always an adolescent abvailable to 'watch' the kid for an hour so mom or dad can catch a meeting. It's a no smoking location and far better for a child than the people who drag their kids to the smoking meetings uptown.
I've seen a good bit of this, as you can tell.
Usually, someone from the group will tell the parent about the other meeting,
and suggest they attend those, so their children can have a more enjoyable hour along with their parents.
I'm always amazed,
though at the ones who insist on putting their children,
as well as other alcoholics, into that kind of environment.
It feels like some kind of forced labor on our part to keep the other person's kid in line so we can get through a meeting as a group.
Just my two cents.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Judy's story reminded me of something. I, too, took my kids (9 & 12) to meetings with me. My son, the 12 yr old, stopped going when he hit thirteen and could stay at home for an hour or two by himself, but my daughter continued with me for quite awhile.
I went to some meetings that were, some weeks, very, very small. One particular meeting, there weren't enough people to do all the readings, and at the end, when the chair called for the Promises to be read, my 9 yr old daughter looked up, saw them in front of her, and began to read them. You should have seen the ears perk up on a couple of crusty old timers who'd no doubt heard those Promises thousands of times before. Her voice was like an angel - and she was a good reader, so she didn't stumble on "intuitively" or any of the other tough words. Hearing her read them made it hard not to believe in them.
Another time, my son was fooling around a bit before a meeting. This particular meeting calls for anniversaries every week, so he sat down in front of the divided plastic box that held the coins. One of the SAME crusty old timers barked across the table, "Boy, you an alcoholic??" My son looks him straight in the eye and says, "I'm a potential alcoholic." We'd talked a lot about the heredity thing and the statistics of developing alcoholism when one or two parents have the disease. This old timer laughed a bit and said, "Well, then, I guess I'm glad you're here. Carry on!" He did the anniversaries that night! It wasn't long after that my son stopped going with me to meetings on a regular basis, but he's never forgotten what he learned there. He's been an advocate among his friends for clean and sober living.
We've had folks come into our meetings with kids, just shaking in their seats every time the child(ren) whispered. One old timer makes it a point to approach these folks after and tell them now glad he is that they're there, and that their kids are welcome anytime.
Nothing really new for this thread - just a little personal experience. Somewhere up above, jimhere (I think) reminded us of the question asked regarding the third tradition, "What would the master do?" And I think about things I've heard regarding how many lives one person's alcoholism affects. What better illustration of that than to see someone come to a meeting, kids in tow?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I went to some meetings that were, some weeks, very, very small. One particular meeting, there weren't enough people to do all the readings, and at the end, when the chair called for the Promises to be read, my 9 yr old daughter looked up, saw them in front of her, and began to read them. You should have seen the ears perk up on a couple of crusty old timers who'd no doubt heard those Promises thousands of times before. Her voice was like an angel - and she was a good reader, so she didn't stumble on "intuitively" or any of the other tough words. Hearing her read them made it hard not to believe in them.
Another time, my son was fooling around a bit before a meeting. This particular meeting calls for anniversaries every week, so he sat down in front of the divided plastic box that held the coins. One of the SAME crusty old timers barked across the table, "Boy, you an alcoholic??" My son looks him straight in the eye and says, "I'm a potential alcoholic." We'd talked a lot about the heredity thing and the statistics of developing alcoholism when one or two parents have the disease. This old timer laughed a bit and said, "Well, then, I guess I'm glad you're here. Carry on!" He did the anniversaries that night! It wasn't long after that my son stopped going with me to meetings on a regular basis, but he's never forgotten what he learned there. He's been an advocate among his friends for clean and sober living.
We've had folks come into our meetings with kids, just shaking in their seats every time the child(ren) whispered. One old timer makes it a point to approach these folks after and tell them now glad he is that they're there, and that their kids are welcome anytime.
Nothing really new for this thread - just a little personal experience. Somewhere up above, jimhere (I think) reminded us of the question asked regarding the third tradition, "What would the master do?" And I think about things I've heard regarding how many lives one person's alcoholism affects. What better illustration of that than to see someone come to a meeting, kids in tow?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I can't imagine being comfortable sharing some of the things we've shared, particularly at the small meetings, with a child right there in the circle looking at me. Some people might not have the atmosphere they need to get sober there. I have another point not quite touched on also...when I was married (a looong time ago) to my children's father, he would have used any excuse to get me to have the kids with me at all times in the evenings when I was home from work. If I had been going back then when they were little, and he found out that meetings were open to kids, he would have made me bring them. And that would have taken the focus off my sobriety and put it back on the kids. I would not have got an hour alone to work on me. Some women may be grateful we don't let them bring the kids. I still really think childcare (a great service step for many people) in another room (if at all possible) is better for the parents and the child and the group. That being said, once again, I don't consider myself so important that I would go against the group opinion, or ask someone to leave, personally, I would just go to another meeting. I'm glad everyone has found some way to get to meetings, by hook or by crook. I'm also glad we can discuss these issues intelligently without most people saying hurtful things to other addicts on here. I'm grateful that people have a right to respectfully disagree and to express that. I do have to sympathize with the schoolteacher who expressed that she has to worry about seeing kids in her class a meetings. Nightmare! I can imagine how difficult that would be, and I wonder how long before the PTA would be bringing it up to get her out of that school if she was an addict instead of an alcoholic? I hope it never happens to any of us. Peace.
kj
kj
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
Originally Posted by Tazman53
Jim I was paraphrasing what Bill W. said in "As Bill see's it" so I did not just pull that statement out of my butt. I agree with you that know one is above another in AA.
I have also heard it said that the newcomer is the lifeblood of AA........ without newcomers 40 years from now AA would be just a few very old people just being happy to see another survivor.
In regards to a closed meeting excluding children, I would leave that to the groups conscience, I really do not feel that a sleeping 6 month old child would take away anything from a closed meeting, but I sure do see your point if it was an older child that may go running their mouths to neighbors or school chums.
I have also heard it said that the newcomer is the lifeblood of AA........ without newcomers 40 years from now AA would be just a few very old people just being happy to see another survivor.
In regards to a closed meeting excluding children, I would leave that to the groups conscience, I really do not feel that a sleeping 6 month old child would take away anything from a closed meeting, but I sure do see your point if it was an older child that may go running their mouths to neighbors or school chums.
I hope you didn't think I was attacking you Taz. I wasn't. But I also don't happen to always agree with even Bill. Newcomers are the lifeblood, but blood needs a heart and the heart is the 12th step in our hearts.
As far as as closed meetings go, it is not about age it is about principle. The meeting is either closed or it is not. And it really is not about who's gonna go run their mouth, it is about singleness of purpose.
Jim
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,861
I also don't happen to always agree with even Bill.
but blood needs a heart and the heart is the 12th step in our hearts.
Grateful recovering alcoholic
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Blissfield, MI
Posts: 814
Gosh, my children are currently 11 1/2 and 6. Both well behaved. They have gone to meetings with me off/on their entire lives!!! Gratefully, neither of them have seen me drunk. They have seen me in "relapse" behavior and they KNOW when mommy isn't right in the head.
I went to my first meetings at 16. I am now 34 and have been sober for a bit over 17 years. I still need meetings. I have one day a week off and now that the kids are out of school, they go with me to the meeting. Gratefully they've been around to the meetings and know how to behave. They are supplied a square blanket that they must stay on. Only exception is to go potty. They are given puzzles, books, coloring books, crayons, paper, pencils, dolls, etc. They also have snacks and beverages. I make sure that prior to the meeting starting, we do something "special" like walk or spend some together time and make sure I explain the rules and let them know how much it means to me that they behave and are respectful. In the rare instance that one of them doesn't, I have no problem escorting them out the door. Strangely, both of my kids like going to meetings with me. They know many of the people there and they know the rules...we don't talk about people we see there unless it's between the child and I. They understand about anonymity and it being inappropriate to talk about other people.
If I show up without kids (which is my preference!!!) everyone asks where they are and what they are doing. It is kind of cool watching (even the old turds) grin when they see them!!! I also make sure my kids know the meaning of service work. They help set up, they help clean up. Many times they work harder than some of the adults!!!
I have been the person who has taken a crying child out of the rooms so mom or dad could have a meeting. I know the importance. I don't ever want to forget how important meetings are. You can tell the people who are in desperate need for a meeting. The thought of someone turning someone away from a meeting just sickens me.
The only child I can remember that was "a problem" was a 12-14 year old female who sat AT the table during a closed meeting. My children are not permitted to do this because I remember all too well how I felt I couldn't be absoltely honest with my feelings/emotions. Some of us discussed this with mom who...well, mom just didn't get it. Sadly, neither of them are in our rooms anymore.
My kids, both of them, are well informed of alcoholism and addiction. They both have a fair shot of becoming addicted to substances. I think that they seeing recovery, hearing recovery and knowing recovery is a wonderful place for them. If there's a wet person at the meeting; gosh, all the better for them to understand, mommy use to be like that...and can be like that again, all it takes is one drink. Point taken.
Alcoholism is a family disease...even though I don't drink and haven't for a number of years; doesn't mean that mentally, emotionally and spiritually I can't return to "that frame of mind". Thankfully, if I need a meeting and my kids need to come with me; I know that they and I will be graciously accepted. Vice versa. I am responsible for holding the hand of AA out there for the next suffering alcoholic.
Great thread by the way. Many of us have our own experiences and opinions on this topic. And another thought...there are some meetings I wouldn't consider my children attending. I generally only take them to my home group which meets in the AM.
Blessings all,
Jen
I went to my first meetings at 16. I am now 34 and have been sober for a bit over 17 years. I still need meetings. I have one day a week off and now that the kids are out of school, they go with me to the meeting. Gratefully they've been around to the meetings and know how to behave. They are supplied a square blanket that they must stay on. Only exception is to go potty. They are given puzzles, books, coloring books, crayons, paper, pencils, dolls, etc. They also have snacks and beverages. I make sure that prior to the meeting starting, we do something "special" like walk or spend some together time and make sure I explain the rules and let them know how much it means to me that they behave and are respectful. In the rare instance that one of them doesn't, I have no problem escorting them out the door. Strangely, both of my kids like going to meetings with me. They know many of the people there and they know the rules...we don't talk about people we see there unless it's between the child and I. They understand about anonymity and it being inappropriate to talk about other people.
If I show up without kids (which is my preference!!!) everyone asks where they are and what they are doing. It is kind of cool watching (even the old turds) grin when they see them!!! I also make sure my kids know the meaning of service work. They help set up, they help clean up. Many times they work harder than some of the adults!!!
I have been the person who has taken a crying child out of the rooms so mom or dad could have a meeting. I know the importance. I don't ever want to forget how important meetings are. You can tell the people who are in desperate need for a meeting. The thought of someone turning someone away from a meeting just sickens me.
The only child I can remember that was "a problem" was a 12-14 year old female who sat AT the table during a closed meeting. My children are not permitted to do this because I remember all too well how I felt I couldn't be absoltely honest with my feelings/emotions. Some of us discussed this with mom who...well, mom just didn't get it. Sadly, neither of them are in our rooms anymore.
My kids, both of them, are well informed of alcoholism and addiction. They both have a fair shot of becoming addicted to substances. I think that they seeing recovery, hearing recovery and knowing recovery is a wonderful place for them. If there's a wet person at the meeting; gosh, all the better for them to understand, mommy use to be like that...and can be like that again, all it takes is one drink. Point taken.
Alcoholism is a family disease...even though I don't drink and haven't for a number of years; doesn't mean that mentally, emotionally and spiritually I can't return to "that frame of mind". Thankfully, if I need a meeting and my kids need to come with me; I know that they and I will be graciously accepted. Vice versa. I am responsible for holding the hand of AA out there for the next suffering alcoholic.
Great thread by the way. Many of us have our own experiences and opinions on this topic. And another thought...there are some meetings I wouldn't consider my children attending. I generally only take them to my home group which meets in the AM.
Blessings all,
Jen
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