Over-analysing...

[unigirl]

Well after my relapse im back to doing my step 1 (of the aa program of recovery) and this time i want to ensure i grasp it fully. I tend to intellectualize the steps and i know its not about that. So basically im just reaching out for a bit of guidance with how to see that i have fully taken step one. I am a perfectionist and i am terrfied that i will not do it properly and end up drinking again.
I can say here and now i am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable but sometimes i do worry i havent fully accepted that.
Any input greatly appreciated

[ananda]

glad your back! For me step one was done way before i got to sobriety. but my sponsor had a "formal" way of doing this step - reading and discussing certain parts of the big book.

I do know that there is no such thing as too smart to get the program. intellect is not a bad thing and since it is part of who i am i had to work the steps "intellectually". I also had to work it "from the heart".

Every moment who i am changes....step 1 "changes" for me each moment as well. sometimes i feel on steady ground with it and other times i discover a new aspect of the managebility part that i have to put into my life.

You might get some stronger AA guidance on the 12 step thread if you want that.

Glad you are with us.

[CarolD]

While my reply is not specifically about Step One
what I did to recognize my progress or to see
where improvement was needed....

I kept a daily journal.
First page listed what happened when I drank.
Second page....a list of why sobriety was important to me.

I read both of those before I wrote my daily thoughts.

I found this immensley helpful....did it for years.

...Yes! you too can recover

[unigirl]

Thanks ananda and carol. I do keep a journal carol, however its not a daily one- but i can see now how this would benifit me so im gonna start to- thanks forthat advice. Thanks ananda for sharing your exp with step 1 - and thankyou for showing me the bigger picture- i guess it will always change in understanding for me.

[ananda]

OOPS this is the 12 step forum - well my intelect doesn't always work so good!

[CarolD]

I moved it at your suggestion Amanda
because I agreed with you.

[laurie6781]

Unigirl, like Carol I kept a DAILY journal for years and years into recovery. I can tell you that within a few months of being in recovery, I could go back and read those first pages and visibly SEE how far I had come. This helped me tremendously to get Step 1 down to the very CORE OF MY BEING, no doubts, no 'maybe just one' etc.

I also learned that I had to build my recovery on a solid foundation, and step 1 was that foundation so I better make DAMN SURE that it was in concrete and not in sand.

As far as over analyzing, I think we all do that, we are alcoholics and that seems to be something that a lot of alkies do. I had to work real hard to just ACCEPT that by the time they wrote those first 164 pages, the program had been working for a few years, so the founders did seem to know what they were talking about, so who was I not to TRY IT THEIR WAY? So I did.

Low and behold, IT WORKS. Amazing what happens when I just followed directions and stopped analyzing. That also helped me in everyday life. As an example putting together furniture that comes in a box with ASSEMBLY REQUIRED. Goes much better if I don't analyze and just follow the written directions, lol

Journaling is a GREAT TOOL. It was in 2006 that I had a bonfire and burned 25 years of journals. Yeah I had kept them all those years. I still have the current ones, but honestly, not living in a big big house anymore I just didn't have the room to keep them anymore and I didn't want those still here to be able to read them, so I burned them, sending them to that big meeting in the sky.

Keep posting, let us know how you are doing, we really do care!

Love and hugs,

[Rob B]

I am glad you are looking at your 1st step truth. My experience confirms that when I drink I can't stop. When sober, I suffer a strange mental blank spot that forgets what happens when I drink. All the while I have a spiritual malady that keeps me separated from you, my true self and God (described brilliantly on page 52)

My 1st step confirms I can't keep myself sober, then or now. My book tells me who can and how to access this power. In true hopelessness real hope is born. When I came to this understanding, I pursued the solution with the desperation of a drowning man.

[Dean62]

My friends all left me, and yet I drank. I lost 4 jobs because of it, and yet I drank. My family was disappointed in me and no longer wanted anything to do with me including my wife and children, and yet I drank. My doctor told me I would be dead in a year, and yet I drank. I was put in jail for 4 months and told if I drank again while on probation I would go back for a year, and yet I drank.

There is nothing in this world, no reason that could stop me from drinking. Certainly not my will power. Like you I was afraid I would never get step one and I would drink again.

I read the big book and it is clear and simple. I pray every day to be kept sober and the desire to drink has been removed.

[gravity]

To work through the steps, I really had to stop over-analyzing and being a perfectionist (yes, I'm one of those too). I am quite certain that if I didn't move through the steps when I did, I would be drinking today.

For me "powerless over alcohol" is acceptance, in my heart, that I can never physically drink alcohol without severe consequences. Not one drink. Years of rationalizing my behaviour, of trying to moderate - an absolute truth - I am an alcoholic. The illusion finally came crashing down, thank God. I honestly find that there is such freedom in this acceptance.

"lives had become unmanageable". My life had become one of three mental states - drunk, hungover, obsessing over the next drink - that's it. So much of my life was planned around drinking. My career, family, health (mental & physical), and safety all repeatedly at risk. I had no control over alcohol and I needed help.

This all came out in my first discussion with my sponsor (the gentleman who invited me over for coffee when I first called AA). My step 1 was done before I even went to a meeting.

I find that the more I put into the AA program, the deeper my appreciation of each step becomes. I review the steps regularly and I find that my personal application of each one gets stronger. Rather than a perfectionist approach, I take more of a "do my best" approach (with lots of prayer, my sponsor's guidance, the Big Book, and the experience of other AA members).

I regularly consider my step 1 by asking myself "do I honestly believe that I am an alcoholic?" No wavering? I do this to make sure my foundation is solidly in place, that I am not just "talking the talk". Sort of a "gut check". I know when I am getting complacent and what I have to do.

My sincere best wishes to you. Take care.

Don

[Rowan]

Step one to me is simply that I cannot control or moderate my drinking. I'm powerless over it. I remind myself of this often.

At a restaurant last night, I was fixated on the alcohol being served at each of the adjacent tables. AGAIN I had to remind myself that I cannot control or moderate my drinking - I am astounded by the pull that alcohol still has on me at certain times.

There was a lengthy period of time in sobriety that I had absolutely no desire to drink - the compulsion had been lifted. Something is missing in my spiritual life, I suspect, for the obsession to have returned.

[jimhere]

I've always been way too smart for my own good. In high school I did just enough to get by because I could rely on my intellect. I'd study all week and spit it back on Friday and pass the test.

I know that an alcoholic can't learn enough about alcoholism to keep themselves sober. You can't learn enough about AA, the steps, the traditions, the Big Book, or the service structure to keep yourself sober.

When I went to the first treatment center at age twenty-one, I approached sobriety that way as well. I have a good mind and it retains information well. From the age of twenty-one until the age of thirty-one I went to four treatment centers and sat in hundreds of AA meetings. Yet I couldn't attain more than about forty-five days at a stretch in ten years, knowing everything I need to know to not ever drink again. I knew all the right stuff to say, the "AA lingo." I tell newcomers to listen closely in meetings. We'll teach them everything thing they need to say in order to convince us & themselves both that they've got it going on. I know because I did that for years. Sometimes I think we need to concentrate more on a demonstration of principle than the teaching of catch-phrases, buzz-words, cliches, slogans, & lingo. The problem with an alcoholic mind is that it retains the information, but can't recall it with enough force to keep the alcoholic from drinking.

The First Step is not something I "worked." It is one thing to say in a roomful of people that I'm alcoholic. It is quite another to concede to my innermost self that I'm alcoholic. The First Step is a realization born of my own deep experience of the hopelessness of my condition. It's not about false hope or feeling better because there is no hope at all in the First Step. And it's not about writing good bye letters to my good buddy Mr. Whiskey or writing pages of some sort of sordid auto-biography to convince the treatment counselor that I believe whatever they are selling me.

In Chapter Four it says that if a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient we'd have recovered long ago. I can't will these things. To will means to think. Years ago, when I was playing the revolving door game, I'd go in meetings and spew out a bunch of crap about whatever step they were talking about or about something I'd heard in a meeting or read in a book. One time this old guy says to me "Boy, you can't think your way into good living, you've got to live your way into good thinking." All that did was to **** me off and I cussed him out.

The carpenter said the same thing, only in different words: "Who, by thinking can add one cubit to his life?" What happens is I realize the hopelessness of my condition and that gets me to a place of willingness in the second step and I make a decision in the third step and take the actions in steps four through nine and the understanding comes. I maintain that consciousness in steps and eleven and put into use in step twelve. I've learned that you can't figure out life, you can only live it.
Jim

Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

[Signal30]

KEEP IT SIMPLE!!!




At the beginning, we alcoholics tend to make a truly simple program into something complicated. We think too much. Some say this is a simple program for complicated people. I disagree. I believe that AA is a simple program for people that MAKE it complicated.


Just remember when doing step work to keep it simple. I really is that simple.


Tom

[navysteve]

and this time i want to ensure i grasp it fully.

"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves
that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery (Page
30 of the Big Book)."

Whatever it takes to get you to that point, I hope you find it. I found that sponsors didn't help me "get" step 1. All I really had to know was that I could not drink at all. Until I got that truth nothing else was possible

Some say this is a simple program for complicated people. I disagree. I believe that AA is a simple program for people that MAKE it complicated.

Ain't it the truth...

I can't (1)

He can (2)

Ok, I'll let him (3)

[353]

When I began my first step work with a sponsor he asked me to write down the dictionary definition of powerless

Powerless
1) devoid of strength or resources: 2) lacking the authority or capacity to act.

I then had to write a page about what powerless meant to me. No problem with the first part of the definition, I definately had no strength when it came to alcohol. My problem was, and has always been, with the second part of that definition.

My drinking was MY problem and it was MY responsibility to correct it. But how can I correct a problem when I haven't the authority or capacity? This was very scarry territory for me here. At that point I came to believe with all my heart that if I have no higher power or higher authority I'm up s*** creek.

Step 1 diagnoses the problem

Step 2 & 3 gives me a solution

Steps 4-10 gives me a plan of action to reach the solution

I know this seems intellectual, like I'm overthinking, can't help it.

Something happened through the steps though, God moved from an idea in my head to a reality in my heart. Now it doesn't much matter how or why it works, it just does.

God's Peace unigirl

Don't worry so much about intellectualizing, you will find your answers just keep moving forward.

[Tazman53]

I had a very thorough grasp that once I put alcohol into my body all bets were off, I had tried for many years to control my drinking and every time I took that first drink all control was gone for me. I was and remain powerless over alcohol once I put it in me!

The unmanageablity took me a few months to see, I thought that keeping my job and not having a DUI for over 20 years indicated I was managing things just fine, I was just powerless over alcohol. Well at about 2-3 months sober my eyes started to open a bit, I suddenly realized that in reality the only thing I managed to do on a daily basis was go to work and drink, I paid no bills, I was no longer a father or a husband, I had no idea how anything in my life happened, I managed to not know a darn thing except how to go to work and how to drink every day.

I was over a year sober before I realized fully what the Dr. was talking about when he said we have an allergy to alcohol, I remembered my first drink, we had a 6 pack amoung three of us, before I had finished the first I was thinking of drinking the second beer, I was thinking of drinking the third beer before I had even drank the second! My 2 friends barely finished thier first and had no interest in another one.

I would suggest you keep it simple, ask your self what your record is?

What is my record when I have a drink? My record is I have no idea when I will stop drinking once I have the first one, the control is gone!!! Oh sure I can recall times where I managed to only have one, I hated controling my drinking, I did not have the power to not crave more to drink even though there was a day and a time I could stop after 1 or 2, I know I can no longer drink even a single drink because I honestly do not know what will happen after the first.

[sugErspun]

Step 1 - I am F****D. There is nothing that "I" can do to keep "me" sober. Either a miracle is going to take place - or I will suffer alcoholic torture until my death, maybe I will just kill myself. I was made to 'sit' with step 1 for awhile...sober. I was not drinking and more miserable than ever - life was not manageable. Irritable? Depressed? oh yes.

It's a feeling more than knowledge. I knew I was done with Step 1 when I was reading 'We Agnostics" with my sponsor and hope rose up in me ( a feeling as well). I was slowly being offered a solution, sentence by sentence.

Step 1 was not pleasant, I don't think it's intended to be. I believe the Oxford folk referred to it as complete deflation.

When Rob said there is true hope found at the lowest level of hopelessness - I can honestly say that my experience has helped that statement make a lot of sense to me today.

[RufusACanal]

Originally Posted by unigirl

I can say here and now i am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable but sometimes i do worry i havent fully accepted that.

When I read your comments concerning acceptance, I can readily understand why you drank again. Unigirl, you either are Alcoholic by your own determination or you are not and it is that simple. Saying you are powerless and unmanageable means nothing; knowing you are powerless and will never have power again over Alcohol and that your actions cause unmanagablity in your life affairs is the true acceptance of your plight. You either are Alcoholic or you are not, there is no half way and the First Step is the affirmation of this personal acknowledgement. "We admitted" is not solely the verbal declaration, but the internal acceptance of fact. "Powerless over Alcohol" is just that, no power and because of that lack of power in Alcohol, you no longer manage your life affairs with any consistency because "Our lives had become unmangeable".

Your new life starts at the First Step. If you hold back any inkling of a thought that someday you can drink like other people, you will be lost in my opinion. Please remember, it's not what you say, it's what you do. Make your decision, ask God to help you and get to work!

I do wish you well. Ron

First Edition of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

[laurie6781]

At a restaurant last night, I was fixated on the alcohol being served at each of the adjacent tables. AGAIN I had to remind myself that I cannot control or moderate my drinking - I am astounded by the pull that alcohol still has on me at certain times.

Oh I still do that, but I find that I am not so much fixated on the alcohol as I am on how little these people drink. I mean come on, a 1/2 a glass of wine, my attitude since I first got into recovery was "why even bother" and "what a waste of alcohol." rofl

Maybe you aren't fixated but still trying to figure out the so-called "normies". You know ........the ones that have just a 1/2 glass of wine or a beer every 6 months. The only thing I have come up with is that they definitely do not have the 'allergy' that I do.

Don't beat yourself up Rowan, get to a few meetings and through it out on the table, and see what surfaces. You may be pleasantly surprised.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

[jimhere]

I don't believe it is a matter of beating myself up, but one of being deeply aware that below the level of conscious the alcoholic mind lurks. You know-the "it" that they say is out in the parking lot doing pushups? Only "it is not out there.

I have no power over when that kind of thinking will occur, I don't get to pick when it shows up. If it shows up, or if one of those blank spots show up, am I spiritually fit? My experience is that the strange mental blank spot can occur at any time, any length of sobriety, when I feel good or when I feel bad, in a fit spiritual condition, not in a fit spiritual condition, when circumstances are good, when things are going to hell in a hand basket. I can't always assume I'm spiritually fit and going to meetings doesn't assure spiritual fitness either.

I'm either removing what blocks me from God at any given time or I'm removing what blocks me from my next drink at any given time and I'm not always awake to that. So it is important that I stay current. That means inventory, meditation, and working with others.
Jim

[ananda]

Absolutely Jim

Thanks.