When recovery stops being about me...

[RufusACanal]

When do you supposed does this gift of a new life become no longer focused on me; my wants and desires, my thinking and feeling? When does recovery transition from being the healing of me and changes to focus on the healing of the newcomer and the multitude of other people who we touch on a daily basis?

The easy answer is after Step Twelve. Is not the gift of recovery really an extension of life so that we can help others? Is this not what the phrase "daily reprieve" mean; a reprieve from death to help another and not just from another drink?

Something to think about...

[ananda]

At the end of each day I have to look at me...also when i get myself all out of wack throughout the day....but I try to spend the rest of my day "rightly relating to the world around me and my place in it. It's all about relationships...not me.

It's really a paradox. and sobreity and recovery for me are about learning to live within the paradox.

I'm not "technecly" at step 12 with my sponsor work, but this has been critical to me since the very first day I was in treatment and went from drinking in lonely isolation to having a roommate for the first time in 30 years and being around 64 other people all day and night.

Off topic, but i think its funny, you put 64 people who can't get or stay sober in one big compound with very little real supervision....tell them to get sober and through the prossess many of them do! isn't it great!

PS: thanks Rufus!

[Sugah]

Lots of thoughts on this topic, and I'll no doubt come back to it when I have more time.

One quick thing I wanted to add: I make a suggestion to all new sponsees that they call one person (besides me) on their phone list each day and ask, "How are you today?" Now, I'm no statistician, but I do see a marked difference in the progress of those who do it - and those who don't.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[CarolD]

Well...
it helped me when I removed my Wonder Woman outfit....
so as to become a worker among workers.

Really like your new Avatar Ron...

[jimhere]

When I first got sober, it was all about me, of course.

Somewhere in the first nine steps, I woke up and it became about us.

Now it is about someone who may not even be born yet. I want to give this away in better shape than I got it in, so it is vital that I continue to grow in understanding and effectiveness so that others may recover and pass that on and on and on. We have the secret to eternal life here.

I used up my life on me and it nearly killed me and harmed many others in the process. My sobriety is not for me, it is for you.

It saddens me when I hear bullshit in AA meetings like "This is a selfish program." It saddens me when we turn it into something to get, like when we ritualize and dangle the Ninth Step "promises in front of newcomers like a carrot. What about the idea that "No matter how far down the scale we've gone we can see how our experience can benefit others?" Or that my dark past is my greatest possesion, that with it I can avert death and misery for others? Or that I hold the key to life and happiness for others? Not myself.

Or "If you don't remember your last drunk you haven't had it?" I don't know about you, but remembering it never kept me sober, and some of it I'd just as soon forget. But I'll touch on it and almost relive it if it can be of use to you. Or maybe these famous lines from the this is a selfish program crowd: "I go to meetings to see what happens to people who don't go to meetings," and I like newcomers because they remind me how bad it is out there?" Sort of a sick way to live, benefiting from another's suffering, don't you think?
Jim

Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

[AW2486]

Thanks Rufus.

This topic really hits home for me today. One of my short comings got me in trouble with my significant other this morning.. I hurt her feelings. I did not feel good about it and still don't.

I have been sponsoring somebody and today was the day that we were starting on his 4th step. I felt like crap when I got there and when we first started .. but as the day went along I ended up learning some things that helped me with the short coming that I was dealing with.

Thank god for the 12 steps

[353]

Originally Posted by AW2486

Thanks Rufus.

This topic really hits home for me today. One of my short comings got me in trouble with my significant other this morning.. I hurt her feelings. I did not feel good about it and still don't.

I have been sponsoring somebody and today was the day that we were starting on his 4th step. I felt like crap when I got there and when we first started .. but as the day went along I ended up learning some things that helped me with the short coming that I was dealing with.

Thank god for the 12 steps

There you have it!!

An alcoholic at the 4th step helped another alcoholic. The miracle of the program!

Newcomers and beginners are shortchanged in the "helping hand of AA" department.

Alot of times somebody new can come into a meeting and remind me of who I am and what I'm doing in meetings, pretty darned important service work if you ask me.

Point is, if I think I'm being of no help I'm probably selling myself short and if I'm thinking I'm some great help to others, I'm probably on an ego trip.

[celestialwombat]

It's still all about me, first and foremost anyway. Why? Because I am in AA to save my life. Everything else is dependent on the state of my spiritual condition on any given day.

I do truly believe that my higher power saved me so that my experience could benefit others. Just by sharing at meetings, helping clean up, listening or taking a coffee commitment, even a newcomer who hasn't done step work can help others. Right now I have 1 sponsee, 3 commitments, and I give rides when I can, and an ear whenever an alcoholic needs one... except:

1. I will not sacrifice my own sobriety to try to "save" you... you, too, have a higher power.
2. I will not be drawn into your chaos, because I will too easily slide.
3. If you repeatedly do not take suggestions and keep coming up with the same old issues, I may need to back off because you are becoming toxic (I'm not THAT confident in my own sobriety).

So, if my higher power gives me an opportunity to help, and I can do so without sacrificing my sobriety, I will do so in a heartbeat - and then, it suddenly is not all about me. But the bottom line is, my sobriety comes first because without that, I am no help to myself or to others.

[CarolD]

celestialwombat....
Welcome to SR!

[navysteve]

When does it stop being about me? When I am in a meeting for the right reason. I disagree with those that say AA is a selfish program for selfish people. As I practice the twelve steps as a way of life I cannot be selfish. As I move beyond the twelve steps and start incorporating the traditions and concepts ( they aren't just for the groups) into my life I take on a new purpose in a meeting. The answer is in the steps like you said, and I think it really transforms in the eleventh step, where we ask God to become a channel of his peace ( St Francis prayer). As we move beyond our own wreckage we become messengers to those that still suffer. This does not have to be in the form of speaking, it can be simply by not rolling my eyes when someone is sharing something I dislike. It can mean simply being approachable. When I live in my self centered mind I suffer from terrible tunnel vision and self is the problem.

[Tazman53]

Rufus for me I had a moment where I became aware that it was no longer about me, it was for me a realization that "I" had become "We", that I had become a part of the world. I suddenly realized that it was more about me giving it away then recieving it. Today I find so much more joy in working with others then working on myself.

[RufusACanal]

Welcome to SR celestialwombat. Thank you for your response on this thread and you make a very real point; in those beginning weeks and months, new folks to recovery need to focus on self and the calamity that their lives have become. If the newcomer diligently works the Steps and applies the learning while not drinking, progress cannot help but take place. My belief is that we are giving the gift of a new life in order to help others free themselves from the bondage of Alcoholism. I also believe that if our new life is used for primarily to advance our own selfish agenda, we will ultimately fail.

In any stage of recovery, there is no honor, glory or privilege associated with selfishness; none. Selfishness to me is the most insidious of all of the defects of character that the Alcoholic must master, because it is closest to the heart.

"It's all about me" thinking deprives the Alcoholic in any stage of recovery the opportunity to acknowledge their place in the scheme of life and says in plain words to that Power Greater than self that you can do it alone.

While selfishness is a major roadblock to a new life, the idea of this thread is that I must inventory the possibilities of helping others; without a plan for continued growth I will revert to the past. Have I not learning how to take action, have I not sought the guidance of a Greater Power, have I not been relieved of the killing obsession, have I not cleaned the slate and grown strong by it, have I not learned to serve?

If you cling to a day without a drink, you will most probably drink again no matter how long the period of not drinking is. Why? The answer is repeated time and again in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you must cloak yourself in I, you will fail, because it was never about any one of us individually, it is always about the journey we are gifted to take to help the still suffering Alcoholic.

[navysteve]

In any stage of recovery, there is no honor, glory or privilege associated with selfishness; none. Selfishness to me is the most insidious of all of the defects of character that the Alcoholic must master, because it is closest to the heart.

Well put, but unfortunately this defect can be seen rearing its ugly head in meetings all over. And worse, being co-signed by people with time in the rooms ( not that time matters in this sense, but it does add a false validity)

"It's all about me" thinking deprives the Alcoholic in any stage of recovery the opportunity to acknowledge their place in the scheme of life and says in plain words to that Power Greater than self that you can do it alone.

It has been said that if you want to hide something from an alcoholic just put it in the Big Book. The "it's all about me" mentality does not match up with "THE" solution outlined within those pages. We tend to put time restrictions on when people can work with new people and I think we really lose opportunities when we do and that is when the real healing begins. I am not good at the whole "unconditional love concept", but when I work with a new man I get so muh better at it. And as I do this enough, the people that matter most get to reap the rewards ( Kids, family, friends). So, is it selfish to work with a new man when it makes me a better man overall to those that matter most???

selfishness is a major roadblock to a new life true, but it is also an indicator, like a fuel gauge, when I am more selfish, I now have a solution. I know what to do....

Ummm...

Dare I say it....

I have recovered.

[sugErspun]

Just a couple of things from my experience - simple things that turned out to be useful.

After the first day I met my sponsor, maybe 5 days sober at best - he told me to try practicing something the following week. I drive A LOT, about 3 hour commute each day for work, I sit in a lot of traffic. I was told to let anyone in who wanted to cut in front of me and do it with a smile (or at least try). It did wonders for my attitude - anyone here that drives can try it...

Another thing - at 3 weeks sober I was 'dragged' to a youth authority center with him and two women. We just sat and talked with these teenagers for awhile about alcohol, drugs - whatever. I was not there representing AA - just there as a person. Got me out of 'me'...

I had not officially been moved off of step one at that time.

To me, the most important part of step 12 is 'ALL' of my affairs, not just those that revolve around sobriety or recovery from alcoholism.

[Rob B]

Good topic Rufus,
My recovery stopped being about me around the time I realized and starting having experiences with the promises contained in the prayer of St. Francis.

In the giving I will receive. Today it is about being of maximum service to God and my fellow humans. I don't do this perfectly at all, but like Adam said, I remain willing to practice these principles, probably from a place a friend calls enlightened self interest. I like the way it makes me feel.

[bballdad]

2nd attempt Rufus,thanks for the topic

the bondage of self has been removed
the bondage that kept me sick and crazy for yrs,and now I am faced with the human condition.The condition which has selfishness included with it.
I cannot,and will not ever be totally selfless while in this life.At best,I will "break
out in a rash of self will" every now and then.I find it best for me to go to meeting looking for chances to be of service,and go thru life daily doing the same.I also find I use AA for the desired effects,just like a drink sometimes.