A few more AA questions, if that's ok

[flgirl]

Hi Guys,

I just got back from my meeting, went straight from work. It is my sponsor's home group. It was a good meeting. After, my sponsor told me that the busniess meeting was being held after, and she requires all of her sponsees to attend. That's fine, I just wasn't expecting it. I'm the kind of person who needs to be told in advance what is expected of me. I didn't have a clue what was going on.

Also, she told me that she requires her sponsees to become members of her home group. I am willing to do as told, but again, it works a whole lot better for me when I know it upfront. Well, actually, I guess I am now a member of her home group, as she announced it at the business meeting.

Please don't think that I am being ungrateful. I truly appreciate the way that I have been taken in and welcomed. I'm just feeling overwhelmed, again.

Is it expected to join a home group after attending just a few meetings? And to attend other functions immediately? I'm over my head with just the meetings.

On another note, for those of you who know about my problems with panic and driving, I drove to and from work today without ANY problems! It was a GREAT day!

[Pinkcuda]

I have no advise to offer. It's your Sponsor.
However; a Sponsor should offer what's in the book and the book only. They should also offer insight as to how they went about completing the 12 steps.
Does the book say that a Sponsor can make demands of the sponsee? It doesn't mention Sponsorship at all.
If it's not in the book, it's not A.A. in my opinion.
A Sponsor should also make this journey as enjoyable as possible. Demands of a Sponsee do the opposite.
Again, just my opinion.

[vashti45]

flgirl-- I think that there's an AA thread here somewhere. I'm just a fellow newbie, but I'm told that it's important to have a good match with your sponsor. I'm not saying to ditch the one you have, just that there are different styles of sponsor that work for different sponsees. From your description, it seems that your sponsor is a bit inflexible and rule-oriented. That's not necessarily bad, just not the best match for everyone. I have 3 kids, and can't just abandon my schedule to my sponsor's unannounced rules.

You are definitely not required to stay with any particular sponsor if she doesn't mesh well with your situation... The most most most important thing is your recovery. You are in charge of that.

Peace,

Jana

[ananda]

There is a website for AA with a pamflet on sponsorship. I recommend it as a helpful read.


I belong to a different home group than my sponsor. I choose my home group based on the meeting where I most closely related to the people and they encourage me to "to thine own self be true". Different things work for different people. I took my time choosing a home group. Most groups won't complain if you choose to offer people coffee, help put things away after the meeting and stuff.

business meetings are an important part of my sobriety, but I don't remember going or participating much in the first few months of my first sobriety. Take your time and you can always change your mind. There are no rules for AA although some sponsors have rules.

I hope you find a good match for a sponsor. And it is ok to befriend and learn from other people in the program too!

[vashti45]

I thought I was still on the newbie thread. Duh. My bad. Shouldn't be trying to watch the Spurs and post here. Back later ;-)

[sugErspun]

I think if my sponsor told me I was required to become a member of his home group when I came back - I would have been a bit suspicious. Groups, meetings, functions are all really great things to do in AA, maybe it's her way of getting you committed to a group, take a service commitment or whatnot- I don't know, all speculation on my part. But those things aren't gonna lead to recovery from alcoholism. The 12 steps will.

If you start doing the steps (or don't start doing the steps) - and you aren't going straight out of the book, that's when I would get really hesitant about continuing on. It's a page by page guide to the critical psychic change which must be experienced in order to recover from alcoholism....

Pinks right- nothing about homegroups or required meetings - they are 'bonus' these days. But they are not the program of action outlined in our literature.

I have heard- the book doesn't mention sponsorship because it's a guide to sponsorship.
I have complete faith with a raw alkie and that book- working one on one that God will be present. Recovery is possible with it alone..

Good luck flgrl

[CarolD]

The official AA guideline for sponsorship
is usually on the free literature rack.

"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"

can also be read on line but I ask
my sponsees have their own copy.

Here is the link...click on pamphlet

Alcoholics Anonymous :

For now...please go with your sponsors suggestions.
I can't see any reason not to.

Good to know your driving issue is working out

[collinsmi]

I'd try not to worry about it, those don't seem like unreasonable requests.

[Tazman53]

I am just guessing here, it may be she is making these suggestions to get you "into" AA and not out on the fringes of AA.

As others have said, it is your program, and there are no rules in AA, so if you feel your sponsor is to demanding then there is nothing to say you can not change sponosrs.

My sponsor had no requirements of me except for me to be honest with him, that was it. He made suggestions which I did follow and am thankful I did.

The best thing to do in my opinion is to sit down with your sponsor and clear the air, find out everything she expects of her sponsees, more then likely she is doing with you what worked for her and what her sponsor had her do. As a sponsor are main purpose is to help a sponsee through the steps, everything else is extra.

[RufusACanal]

Welcome to SR flgirl. I have to be reminded regularly that my old ways of thinking and acting in this thing called life did not always work so well; my perceptions were usually based in self-centeredness. Active involvement in AA as a member is one of the toughest adventures a new person contends with, yet I have found that a quick immersion into the ebb and flow of meetings helps tremendously. Like your Sponsor, I attempt to introduce my new people to those things that I was taught that I believe lend stability to the newcomers experience in AA. Joining a Home Group, understanding the business functions that allow the continuation of meetings and providing service to others is all a part of the reconstruction of a new life. If you need more advance notice and your verbal signoff is important concerning requests by your Sponsor, talk it over with her. I guess my question would be why question if the path you are on is working. Acceptance is the key to a new life. Is your Sponsors direction an inconvenience and what really is important in your pursuit of recovery and a new life? Best to you and I wish you well in your work through the Steps.

Ron

[tkdan]

I realize we all come into AA with different situations and levels of the disease. I hear people share at meeting how their sponsor told them "if you want me to sponsor you ,you will have to do this, this, and this". I realize some people might need that type of approach. My sponsor will make suggestions and sometimes he will strongly suggest I do something, but he has never gave me an ultimatum. Personally I would not respond well to a controlling sponsor. I think suggestions are great because it makes this alcoholic feel like he has a choice. Do I want this to work (follow suggestions) or do I want to end up going back out (not following suggestions)? By thinking it through a suggestion becomes an ultimatum being do I choose life or death.

[ananda]

My sponsor can't manage her own life and sure as hell doesn't want to manage mine!

She shares her experience strength and hope with me and alway's recognizes the validity of my own experience as well. We work together to find sober, spiritually fit ways of living my life today.

She has never given me an ultimatum. And I've never given her one either

[RufusACanal]

Originally Posted by tkdan

Do I want this to work (follow suggestions) or do I want to end up going back out (not following suggestions)? By thinking it through a suggestion becomes an ultimatum being do I choose life or death.

tkdan,

I really appreciate your thinking here. No one like ultimatums, though I have given Sponsees the final word several times. It is all in the way that the message is conveyed and the amount of humanity I have available at any given moment. The newcomer can be extremely manipulative and dishonest, so I set guidelines. Who is responsible for their own recovery and who has the answers? Good stuff tkdan!

[Jody Hepler]

I had tried AA and kept drinking - after numerous unsuccessful suicide attempts and losing track of the amount of drugs and alcohol I was using - I crawled back to AA. And I had the gift of desperation - I was willing to do absolutely anything. My way no longer worked - and I truly surrendered. I was at the bottom of the bottom.

I picked my sponsor because she had the most time of anyone in the area - 20+ years - and I just did what she told me to do (which was what she did). I truly was afraid not to - I wanted to be sober more than anything else. 22 years sober, I am glad that I was introduced to AA in that way. My best decisions and thinking got me to the bottom where I lost everything material, plus another husband and 5 children, the job, money - and almost my life.

When I sponsor someone, all I can give them is what worked for me. If they want something else or want to do recovery another way, that's fine. Recovery is about saving lives - so I take it very seriously.

Keep coming back. It really works.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

[bballdad]

flgirl
I have some sponsee`s and I do not tell them which group to join,but I do say,find a home group and get busy!
If they do not make a commitment to a home group,I leave them alone.My experience has proved if they won`t commit to a group,I`m wasting my time trying to help them.

[ananda]

I was desperate for years. I got sober when I had hope. The mountains I had to climb were not so huge that I couldn't begin the journey. I love the ESH my sponsor shares with me.

[flgirl]

Thanks for all of your input and suggestions. I think that ananda is right. Now that I've had a day to process it, I think my sponsor is trying to get me involved. I also think that her sponsor, who is a member of the same home group did the same with her. After a lot of reflection, I don't think that she is trying to control me, but rather give me the guidance that was offered to her and that worked for her. We have similar (strong...LOL) personalities, as well as similar backgrounds and educations. So I guess I should keep my mouth shut and just see where this goes...I figure the worse that can happen is that this is not the right sponsor for me, and I find another one and keep on keeping on

[CarolD]

Sounds more than fair to me....
Congratulations on Day 8!

[navysteve]

You said:

I just got back from my meeting, went straight from work. It is my sponsor's home group. It was a good meeting. After, my sponsor told me that the busniess meeting was being held after, and she requires all of her sponsees to attend.

She requires???? That is something other than sponsorship. That is not AA. The only reuirement mentioned at all is the desire to stop drinking. A sponsor who has requirements like this is ( in my opinion) not a sponsor, but a dicatator

Also, she told me that she requires her sponsees to become members of her home group.

The trend here seems to be reliance on a human power. This is against the Big Book. WHat happens when your sponsor isn't there to make decisions for you???

Please don't think that I am being ungrateful. I truly appreciate the way that I have been taken in and welcomed. I'm just feeling overwhelmed, again.


You don't sound ungrateful at all. YOu came here looking for freedom, what you are being offered is another type of bondage. I don't care how they dress it up ( tough love etc...) it is bondage...

Is it expected to join a home group after attending just a few meetings? And to attend other functions immediately? I'm over my head with just the meetings.


It is not expected at any time, some folks feel comfortable right away. Too many people in AA get real pushy. This is a program of attraction, not of following orders

[flgirl]

I wanted to say thanks for all of your wisdom. I talked to my sponsor last night, and told her that I couldn't find the meeting I was looking for last night (I am totally directionally challenged even WITH a map...LOL), and she said not to worry...the only thing I HAD to do was not pick up a drink. Everything else would come in good time. She had suggested I get a Big Book and read up to a certain page...I asked her when I should have it all read, and she said do it at your own pace, just focus on staying in today and not drinking. So I don't think she's being a dictator, just trying to help me.

[Tazman53]

flgirl, you keep that attitude and keep working at it and you are going to do just fine. Trust me there were a few times my sponsor ticked me off!!! Heck we both had a good laugh when his name showed up on my resentment list!!!!!

[flgirl]

Thanks Taz,

I'm trying really hard!