About a girl.....

[psyk0]

I'm 83 days sober now and have a problem.
There's this girl/woman that I really like and have been seeing for the past 3 years.
She is a heavy drinker (no doubt alcoholic) and uses amphetamines nearly every day too. We used to get into a lot of fights and arguments, but since I stopped drinking all has been going really well...
Apart from a week ago. We had an argument and it resulted in her saying some pretty mean things to me. At first I just let it go. But as days went by I got angrier and angrier, that old "alcoholic" anger took over... And I really wanted to make her feel how much she hurt me.
And then I said and did some stuff that really went too far. I hacked her email account and deleted all of the pictures of us together, said really REALLY hurtful things, etc...
The day after I felt like I had a hangover. I tried getting in touch with her but no reaction.
I sent her an e-mail telling her how sorry I am, but no reaction.
Now I can see she's online on my MSN messenger every day but when I say something to her she doesn't react.
It's driving me crazy.
I've messed up so many relationships in the past when I was drunk all the time and now this!
I feel like I've really let myself down by not being able to control myself... I should have been the better one. I should have thought: "it's only the booze talking, let it go", ESPECIALLY since I used to be exactly the same.
But no, what do I do? I take it to a whole new level of disturbed anger and obsessiveness.
I feel like total crap. As if now just after having withdrawn from alcohol I need to withdraw from her too....! I don't know if I can take that...
Why are most alcoholics so prone to bouts of anger? And obsessive "relationships"? WHY?
Very unhappy at the moment...
What should I do???

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by psyk0

I'm 83 days sober now and have a problem.
There's this girl/woman that I really like and have been seeing for the past 3 years.

Why are most alcoholics so prone to bouts of anger? And obsessive "relationships"? WHY?
Very unhappy at the moment...
What should I do???

Feel it all. I think-for me anyways-that obsessing is an easy way to avoid what I happen to be feeling, a kind of non-chemical analgesic. I-we-spent a good part of our lives attempting to avoid unpleasant feelings, there's going to be a lot of toxic stuff there.

[CarolD]

Not all lovers or relationships are forever.
I had to let a guy go in early sobriety
because we just were toxic together.

I sincerely wanted to change my lifestyle
and he did not.

Well done on your new begining...

[phunky rich]

Hey, have you talked to your sponsor about the situation? Hacking into her email was not sober behavior, that's why you felt crappy. Turn it over to God ...3rd step prayer???

[bballdad]

reading your post is like reading page 52 of the big book,a picture of untreated alcoholism

I suggest you take the 12 steps

[psyk0]

Originally Posted by bballdad

reading your post is like reading page 52 of the big book,a picture of untreated alcoholism

I know... that's why I really feel like I have "failed".....

[Barto]

Now I know where you are coming from. I hope it all works out. Actually, I’m sure it will. Welcome to SR and AA.

[psyk0]

Originally Posted by Barto

Now I know where you are coming from. I hope it all works out. Actually, I’m sure it will. Welcome to SR and AA.

thanks man.. I really hope you're right

like your avatar by the way

"Kuna to chuta Solo??"

[miss communicat]

Hi Psyk0

Welcome to SR!

Glad you found us. Your relationship sounds tricky to me. It may be healthy for you to give yourself a break from it and focus only on sobriety and recovery this year. Thats what I had to do in the beginning.

[barb dwyer]

it's taken me a couple of days to think about what I've read here before I trusted myself to answer on this post. And yet I am compelled to point out something.

Were we sitting the the rooms,
I would not be able to let you go wtihout pointing this out.

Animals ... strike out.
Humans ... reach out.

The part about doing something to 'get her back' or 'get back at' her is what concerns me.
Going into her private material and deleting her private stuff.
Or whatever.
Being at the total effect of 'get you back'.

That's what children do.

My opinion, for what it's worth ...
and I'm keenly aware of what it's worth
don't misunderstand me there...

... is to leave this woman alone.
From what you've described,
you are where you need to be.

Your actions in sober anger sound exactly to me like a child in a man's body an that is a very dangerous thing indeed.
It is a 'trigger' feeling for women like me. I've had more than my share of actions of this sort.

So I'm gonna keep this in the mindset of recovery and say only:

Go to as many meetings as you can
get a sponsor
get busy
do the steps
and do them as if your very life depends on it.
Because as an alcoholic - it does.

Get through all the steps and learn how to make a proper amends.

You'll not know how to do that until you clear wreckage
and make your peace with your Higher Power.

You do all the steps
you do them FOR REAL ...

and *I* promise you ...
everything will be different.

[Tazman53]

As if now just after having withdrawn from alcohol I need to withdraw from her too....!

Psyk0 your primary purpose in life right now is recovery, you did something childish and now you are letting that eat at you. Is it really worth worrying over?

Just let it/her go, if it is meant to be, it will be.

A partner who is by your own estimation a practicing alcoholic and enjoys speed on a daily basis is not the type of partner one should pursue or worry over losing if one is serious about staying sober and recovering.

If you have a sponsor talk to him about this. If you don't have a sponsor I would suggest getting one and talking to then about this.

If you want to recover you need to make your recovery the main focus of your life right now.

Go to meetings.

Get a sponsor and work the steps.

Do service work!

I was married for 15 years when I got sober, the marriage was all over but the shouting at that point. When I got out of detox I told my wife first thing that my sobriety had to come first, I told her I loved her, but I would be doing a lot of meetings and spending a great deal of time with my sponsor.

Guess what? She told me to do what I had to do and she would see what happens. Well our marrige is a lot better today after me finishing the steps and going to a ton of meetings. My wife & I both know that I need to keep my sobriety/recovery #1, she accepts the time I spend away from the house because she loves the time we do have together because I am sober and a different person!

Does this gal support you in your sobriety?

Is she helping you stay sober?

[Signal30]

Well most of the others that have posted on this thread have all pretty much said it.

Talk to your sponsor. If you don't have one, get one!!! I assume you are in AA. The fellowship of AA has many tools you can use. You should have a phone list of members you can call and talk to. Bring up this topic at a discussion meeting. The important thing is to do something. You have many options in "the AA tool box" at your disposal.


Tom

[Barto]

Originally Posted by psyk0

thanks man.. I really hope you're right

like your avatar by the way

"Kuna to chuta Solo??"

It always works out, maybe not the way we want it to, or when we want it to, but it always works out – especially when we follow this design for living called the Twelve Steps. Put this first, and everything else will likely take care of itself.

“I went to bed.”

[bob_sapp]

Originally Posted by psyk0

What should I do???

Tell her you cannot associate with her unless she gets sober, and stick to it. That means no contact or communication whatsoever. You won't stay sober or have serenity if you are with this girl, I guarantee it.

[BP44]

I like what Clancy says, " I am at the intermittent beckoning call of childish emotions". That fits me. Page 52 does sum this up. BP44 is having problems with relationships. BP44 can't control his emotional nature. BP44 can't seem to be of use to anyone. BP44 has no sense of direction. This is my unmanageability and is bound up in the spiritual malady. There is a course of action that will give you relief. Your sponsor can guide you through the steps which will produce this relief and offer you a way of living that will make sense to you. If he is like my sponsor he will gently let you know that he can't be of much help with he current wreckage that you have created. Once I've already made a decision and taken action on that decision, not much a sponsor can do. The time to call is before, not after.

[tennis71]

1. Accept that you cannot change what you have done.
2. Accept that you cannot control her response to your actions.
3. Accept that you can change how you react to similar situations.

You can use this as a learning experience. Reflect on your actions and ask yourself if you reacted rationally or irrationally. Ask yourself if you could have communicated your feelings in a more rational and productive manner. Would this have made a difference in her response? Ask yourself if this relationship is a positive influence or a negative influence on your recovery.

I cannot tell you how to answer any of the above, all I can do is provide food for thought and leave you with the tough part of reflecting on the situation.

The last thing I would suggest is while you can learn and reflect on the past, do not dwell on it. Utilize what you have learned and move forward.

Good luck and keep moving forward in your sobriety!

[Zanthos]

Originally Posted by psyk0

I'm 83 days sober now and have a problem.
There's this girl/woman that I really like and have been seeing for the past 3 years.
She is a heavy drinker (no doubt alcoholic) and uses amphetamines nearly every day too. We used to get into a lot of fights and arguments, but since I stopped drinking all has been going really well...
Apart from a week ago. We had an argument and it resulted in her saying some pretty mean things to me. At first I just let it go. But as days went by I got angrier and angrier, that old "alcoholic" anger took over... And I really wanted to make her feel how much she hurt me.
And then I said and did some stuff that really went too far. I hacked her email account and deleted all of the pictures of us together, said really REALLY hurtful things, etc...
The day after I felt like I had a hangover. I tried getting in touch with her but no reaction.
I sent her an e-mail telling her how sorry I am, but no reaction.
Now I can see she's online on my MSN messenger every day but when I say something to her she doesn't react.
It's driving me crazy.
I've messed up so many relationships in the past when I was drunk all the time and now this!
I feel like I've really let myself down by not being able to control myself... I should have been the better one. I should have thought: "it's only the booze talking, let it go", ESPECIALLY since I used to be exactly the same.
But no, what do I do? I take it to a whole new level of disturbed anger and obsessiveness.
I feel like total crap. As if now just after having withdrawn from alcohol I need to withdraw from her too....! I don't know if I can take that...
Why are most alcoholics so prone to bouts of anger? And obsessive "relationships"? WHY?
Very unhappy at the moment...
What should I do???

Hi psyk0! Welcome and thanks for sharing!

Just so you know, at 80-something days "sober", you are not "sober". You are merely dry.

What you experienced and described for us is how sick you are, and how alcohol was just a symptom. After I stopped drinking, I too was very unbalanced in my thoughts and feelings. I got extremely angry and would have "emotional hangovers" just like you describe.

This told me something very important!!! The problem was not the booze, but the person who drank the booze. The problem was me.

I realized pretty early on that I was a very sick person and that just not drinking did not make me a better person. I came to believe (because I knew no other way) that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous could and would transform me into a much, much healthier human being if I really worked at it. And that to get "good" at something (like being a human being) was going to take some time. That has been my experience. I was very sick in my head and in my heart for all of the first nine or ten months since my last drink. And I had to focus every day on the program of spiritual development outlined in the 12 Steps.

Then I had to focus on the 12 Steps for another 1 1/2 years. Every day. Because now maybe I wasn't totally sick like when I started, but I was told and I believed that as an alcoholic, if I did not keep growing, there was a very great chance that I would resume my old habits of thought, feeling and action, and end up drinking again. Besides, even though I wasn't totally miserable anymore, I knew I had a long long way to go.

I still focus on what I learned through the 12 Steps everyday because they are an effective recipe for mental and emotional health and well-being. I hope to keep learning and growing for as long as I am able and willing. Which I hope is 30+ years.

So psyk0, you haven't failed because you really haven't started. Right now, your path is totally clouded over by an inappropriate desire for physical and emotional gratification from this woman. You are too sick to be in any kind of relationship. If you are lucky, you might be more fit in a year. And if there is any doubt as to the wisdom of your attraction to this woman, let me tell you that wanting to be with someone who drinks heavily and does amphetamines is a very clear indication of how totally off and unreliable your judgment is. Thank god I realized I could not trust my own judgment or thinking, but had to go through a long process of grow and change before I could begin to live a reasonably healthy life.

Find a good sponsor. If you don't put a couple of years of hard work into the Program, into learning how to be a new and different and healthy human being, you will continue to be miserable.

[psyk0]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

Just thought I'd post what happened.

Out of the blue she phoned me yesterday (drunk) and told me she was at a friend's place and how she had tickets for this party she was gonna go to. She sent me some pics over the phone. Later on she told me she had too much to drink and asked me what to do. I told her to eat something since she hadn't eaten anything all day. That made her feel better and she ended up not going to that party because she was too drunk and fell asleep

She mentioned absolutely NOTHING about what has happened the past week.
NOTHING about the fight we had, NOTHING about what she thought about it.

I know you're all correct in saying that she's unstable and not the kind of person I should be wanting to have a relationship with. If I would read someone posting a similar story I would feel the same way.
Fact is though that I really love her and I still hope that she will change.
She really messes with my head.
But that's just another something I'm gonna have to deal with. And be patient. Whilst focussing on my own sobriety. I've decided to become more active in AA. Your posts convinced me of this and I feel I really need it. I'm in a danger zone here.

It also worries me what Zanthos posted about how off and unreliable my judgement is for wanting to be with her. The first thought that springs to mind is "yeah but you don't know her! if you'd meet her you'd understand!"...
But that's not the point at all is it...
Makes wonder how sick I really am.
Kinda like that scene from Midnight Express when the guy tells him: "Oh, you're one of those machines that doesn't realise it's broken"...

[lightseeker]

the longer I am sober the more I realize how long it has taken my brain to begin healing. Just because I wasn't drinking did not (and does not) mean that I acting nor thinking sober. I've had emotional drunks before (and still do) and it really sucks. I feel hung over and like I've been on a real tear. Although I still do it I've found that hanging close to my sponsor, upping my meetings, and working the steps really help me a lot. It was a slippery slope for me to be around people drinking/drugging in my first year...too much temptation. It's better now but I really had to protect my sobriety.

It's hard to be on one path and have a partner in another. Although the slogans can trite at first they are what sustains me in times of trials and tribulations....progress not perfection, meeting makers make it, one day at a time. Remember, there is not a problem or situation that you are encountering that many other people in the rooms have experienced. Try focusing on doing the next right thing and staying in the present. That has always helped me a lot.

Recovery is really worth it. The first year is full of changes. Take good care of yourself and remember, anything you put ahead of your sobriety you are sure to lose anyway.

[Zanthos]

Originally Posted by psyk0

It also worries me what Zanthos posted about how off and unreliable my judgement is for wanting to be with her. The first thought that springs to mind is "yeah but you don't know her! if you'd meet her you'd understand!"...
But that's not the point at all is it...
Makes wonder how sick I really am.
Kinda like that scene from Midnight Express when the guy tells him: "Oh, you're one of those machines that doesn't realise it's broken"...

I bet she's fantastic. And that your heart honestly and truly goes out to her. And, truth be told, in her drinking and drugging she's just like the rest of us, or how we used to be: so hurt and hurting. So who am I to judge?

A year before I stopped drinking I met a girl and we were together for a little while. Only a little while. But she drank and drugged like I did, and just like me, beneath the sickness and the sorrow, she was a truly fantastic person. And I loved her with all my heart. And when we didn't stay together, I cried with all my heart. There was no way we could have stayed together. I was sick. She was sick. Anything we could have had together would have been sick. But when I think of her now, I find it very easy to imagine how much you love your girlfriend, psyk0, and how deeply attached you are to her.

I believe that I felt such intense feelings of love for that girl I knew for just a little while because she was just like me: sick and suffering, lost and confused, afraid of life and unable to find her way in the darkness of her soul. She was just like me. And although at the time I was utterly unable to love myself, I could recognize in her those very parts of me that were too painful to acknowledge. I could feel for her the love I could not feel for myself. Sadly, I too was too sick and had nothing to truly offer. And even if I did, she was not at a point in her life where she could recognize and accept a healthy gift of love.

Ultimately, I had to heal myself first (with, perhaps, just a little help!) and recognize that I was simply not the person I wanted to be. I was not someone who respected who I was and I was therefore incapable of loving myself. And was therefore incapable of loving anyone else.