Haven't heard from my sponsee

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Today will be four days. She doesn't have to call everyday, but I usually talk to her every other.

I met with her last Thursday to go over Step 1. There were a few questions that pertained to her personally, ie, why did you drink and what happened when you drank that she didn't do. I told her that she had to at least write a few sentences. She was hesitant. I told her that it helps to get it on paper. There's this relapsing dude who's 13 stepping her..takes up a lot of her head space.

I'm worried. Praying. Not calling.

This is hard!

[Signal30]

Well it sounds like your doing everything you can do. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him do stepwork. She may not be ready to do the work that requires to acheive sobereity. Situations like this, I grab my BB and read "Working With Others". It helps a lot.


Tom

[Tazman53]

Hon talk to your sponsor, keep in mind that the only person you can keep sober is you!

Think back to when you first came into the rooms, where you ready? Really ready?

If you were really ready you were really willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober. Your sponsee may not be ready, there is nothing you can do to make her ready. As a sponsor your job is not to keep them sober, your job is to share your ESH and to help them work through the steps.

Do not beat your self up because a sponsee chooses not to follow directions, that is not your fault.

Are you there for her if she needs you?
Will you answer questions if she asks?
Will you share your ESH with her?
Will you help her work the steps?

If the answer is yes then you have done all you can.

I could answer yes to all of those questions with my first sponsee, he had about 4 months sober when I became his sponsor, I suggested he may want to think about going to more then one meeting a week, he said he did not have the time. The day after he picked up his 6 month chip he called me and said he just did not have time to work the steps nor to attend the one meeting a week he was going to, he thanked me for beiing his sponsor........ Well I did all I could do, I told him I enjoyed knowing him and if he ever needed to just talk to call me and if he decided he wanted to start going back to AA I would be more then happy to go with him. It has been almost a year, and not a word.

I was a little upset, but my sponsor asked me "Are you sober?" I said yes and he replied then you did what you could.

[Jfanagle]

I have been called sponsor by far more who haven't stayed sober than the few who have. I do as Taz says, stay willing to help when asked. Help to the best of my ability when I am asked and after that it is up to that individual and his God as he sees God.

I try and remember that I am just not all that powerful and can't find sobriety for another, no matter how much I want to.

A sponsor is much like a parachute; NOT REALLY COMFORTABLE TO HAVE ON ONE'S BACK, BUT DAMN HANDY WHEN YOU NEED ONE!!! Just be there when they pull the cord and try and do your job at that point.

Good luck,
Jon

[miss communicat]

great answers above.

pray, but please don't worry about your sponsee, it will drain your brain

this can show you why its said that working with others ensures our own sobriety. as you take a newcomer through the process of step one, there is an opportunity for you to deepen your own understanding of where you are in that step.

and so on, as it goes along the other steps.

when we have a newcomer/sponsee who balks, bolts, disappears, the feelings of sadness for them also deepen in us the feelings of gratitude for the sobriety we've been given. and to cherish it

[Tazman53]

Miss C.

as you take a newcomer through the process of step one, there is an opportunity for you to deepen your own understanding of where you are in that step.

and so on, as it goes along the other steps.

I can sure attest to that, I have shared with my sponsee many times how I am learning more and more thanks to him. Taking him through the steps gave me a far deeper understanding and appreciation of the steps.

[CarolD]

I will call a new sponsee twice.
If neither brings them into conversation with me

I pray and let the situation out of my mind.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Thanks guys. I"m talking to my sponsor tonight about it..

[Sugah]

I'm with Carol on this one - and the suggestions that you call your sponsor. It used to make me crazy when sponsees dropped out of sight, even though I knew intellectually I couldn't keep them sober or make them work a program.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[bballdad]

I would pick up the phone and give her a call.
a simple phone call would clear this thing up..

[Puddy]

In my experience, if a sponsee stops calling, it only means one thing.

May have to let the person go until they get hurt some more, that's what the AA book says anyway.

[collinsmi]

As Lois once said to Bill, you stayed sober right? A lot of people jump off the boat once you show them an oar.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Well, I still haven't heard from her. My sponsor suggested that I wait to see if I do, I'm supposed to see her at the home group meeting tonight.

If I make it..my new hours are one evening night until 8 every other Thursday, and it's till 8 or when the last patient leaves..whenever that is. Meeting starts at 8. I'm praying a lot on this one as I don't want to get stressed about missing the meeting.

It's just out of my hands. Whether I get there, whether she's there. At this point, I just hope that she is ok.

[Sugah]

Karen, don't worry about going in late to a meeting. Our noon meetings around here begin at noon, but folks come through the door up to fifteen minutes before the meeting ends. My son, when I need a meeting and I know I'll be late, says, "Mom, if you get there before everyone holds hands, you made it to a meeting."

Hope the job is going well!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Tazman53]

"Mom, if you get there before everyone holds hands, you made it to a meeting."

Sugah I am not sure how old your son is, but he is wise beyond his years!

Karen there is a saying in my area at least

The only meeting you will ever be late for is your first one!

I am sure you have noticed that the meeting after the meeting can in many cases carry more ESH then the actual meeting.

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by Tazman53

Sugah I am not sure how old your son is, but he is wise beyond his years!

He's 18 now - but he's been saying it for a few years. This is the same kid that, when leaving his friends on conference call or a video game server will say, "I gotta go. Anybody have a burning desire?"

(If you can't tell, my kids made a lot of meetings with me)

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[navysteve]

I'm worried. Praying. Not calling.

Why is it in AA that sponsors don't call their sponsees????

I was too sick early on, I am glad people saw that and CARRIED the message to me

Am I missing something? I don't mean to sound rude. It seems that we expect the blind to see and the crippled to walk

As a sponsor your job is not to keep them sober, your job is to share your ESH and to help them work through the steps.

Absolutely tru, but does this mean that we do not call them? My sponsor is my friend. I am not suggesting an intervention, a friendly, hey I was thinking about you, how are you doing? There is magic in that. It is not co-dependent or whatever label people in the rooms put on it. Again I say, CARRY

[bob_sapp]

I don't think sponsors should call their sponsees. If the sponsee doesn't call when he/she is in trouble, they are the one that suffers, not the sponsor. Also if she doesn't like 13th steppers then she shouldn't date them, simple as that.

[navysteve]

I simply go back to the example of Bill and Bob in the Big Book. They didn't wait for the new person to get it. They sought them out. I try to stick with the Big Book, so called tough love gets drunks killed and does not mix with the big book.

[ananda]

When I am really struggling in sobriety I try to reach out....but sometimes I simply am unable to make that jump....Fortunately my sponsor, who I am indeed developing a friendship with, will call me sometimes...not just to check on me but because we have an equal relationship between sponsee and sponser...

I am so thankful that I don't always have to do this deal perfectly, that my fellow members of AA watch out for me and are there...just as I do for them.

Of course I would not call and try to push sobriety on someone who has returned to drinking and clearly doesn't want to talk to me.

Of course each circumstance is different. The AA sponsorship pamflet address that the sponsee sponser relationship can be different things to different people at different times and the original pamflet on sponsorship addresses the idea of individualizing help depending upon the person we are working with.

[navysteve]

because we have an equal relationship between sponsee and sponser...

I fully agree with that, the flip side of what many do in the program is what I see with the so called "hard asses" in AA who sponsor:
1. You call me, I don't call you.
2. Wash my car, paint my house, mow my lawn, do community service. Show me you are willing to go to any length.
3. Sit down and shut up, you don't have anything to say

I have some words to say aboutthat but this is not the forum, I realize that AA has a wrench to fit every nut. But...

Our lives as ex problem drinkers depend on our constant thinking of others!!!

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Thanks for your thoughts Steve. I didn't call her. I'll list my reasons why:

We're only working on Step 1 here.
She balked at writing down her answers to personal questions regarding her experience. Then I don't hear from her after two weeks of daily contact? Seems to me she isn't ready to do the work. She has to learn how to write stuff down..what happens when she gets to her Fourth Step?I can't force her to do the work. I can't nag her to do the work. She has to know that I"m not her buddy. I'm here to guide her in doing the work.

I think it's great that your sponsor is your friend. This girl has a crap load of friends. So far, for her, AA has been a 8 month long social event!

I would never have stayed sober without doing the work, so that's what I'm passing on.

I do appreciate your posts Steve. Sorry if I'm a bit crabby..it's been a long day. Missed the meeting, worked till 9.

She did call me though, this afternoon. I called her back. Phone tag at this point.