Ashamed to be an alcoholic - Asking for ESH

[gravity]

Something my sponsor pointed out (I kind of figured as much already) is that while I accept that I am an alcoholic, I am very ashamed, embarrassed that others will find out. This was a major reason why I had such difficulty attending AA meetings in the first place (I’m still amazed that I actually made it through the door). It’s been five months and they have yet to write a front page news article detailing that I am an alcoholic that attends AA meetings (oh, the horror). Of course, not one person has even mentioned it. I still do get a bit anxious, that someone will see me walking into an AA meeting, but it’s getting quite a bit better (I don’t hide my face anymore).

Recently, people have shared with me that their friends/relatives are in trouble with drugs & alcohol which of course impacts so many others. Just today this happened – a colleague is in a custody battle over a little boy with a drug addicted father – a very serious situation. I am able to provide advice & comfort (sharing what I know about addiction, denial, etc. & just offering support) but I just wish I was at a point where I could be open about my alcoholism & AA experience.

Does this shame go away? I find that I am at a bit of a threshold right now. The anonymity I get in AA is great when I am in working on my own recovery but when I want to help others (family & friends of addicts/alcoholics) I just can’t seem to open up. I don’t have this issue when another alcoholic (inside or outside of the program) asks for help. Any thoughts or advice very much appreciated. D

[Rowan]

I absolutely can identify with the shame aspect. I am grateful that the shame has lifted to the point that I am able to openly share my own experience with others who are not in recovery. I love AA and I love recovery and there are so many who know nothing about recovery, only addiction. I have shared conversations, literature, phone numbers, etc with others who have been affected. My life is so much richer because of this, and the shame has literally dissolved.
Try to be patient with yourself. You're on your way.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Gravity,

As much as we love AA..there is still a stigma attached to being an alcoholic. Recovering or otherwise. I myself am quite open to my friends and family about it. However, I certainly do not mention it in my workplace. You just never know what some people will think, if you will look somehow "less" than them. I don't think that's shame, I think that's self preservation.

Just like I don't go on about my spiritual beliefs at work, I don't mention that I'm active in recovery.

[Astro]

I can only echo what Rowan shared, and it does require some patience. At first I didn't want anyone to know that I had such a "horrid disease", especially not after being the life of the party for many years.

Working and practicing the 12 Steps lifted that shame, and practicing the 12th Step by working with other alcoholics and being of service has given me the gifts of gratitude and genuine humility. I honestly couldn't ask for a better life than the one I have in recovery.

My kids helped out too, they announced to all their classmates that Dad was taking them to AA meetings, so much for anonymity! :rof I like to think that I wear my sobriety with pride, sometimes silently, or when it's appropriate I'll share my experience with a listening ear.

[Rowan]

They told their classmates! Oh, Astro!!

Not to hijack your thread gravity, but I know of a similar instance. I know a man who has been sober 28 years. He is a single father, and when his boy was in kindergarten, he told his teacher that his dad was an alcoholic who liked to climb rollercoasters. The teacher called the man in for an interview, as she was very concerned. The man admitted that yes he was an alcoholic, but IN RECOVERY, and that he repaired rollercoasters for a living. He looks back and laughs, and even then he saw the humour in it. There surely is a stigma attached to being an alcoholic, but that doesn't mean we have to buy into it.

[bugsworth]

Gravity, I understand your situation. I had a per-diem PT fill in today for our regular PT. She has been in the facility many times and I have heard her mention a few times how she drinks. I never say a word...none of my business. Today I saw her downing a coke...I mean like one gulp...lol...She saw me watching her and she mouthed " I have a hangover" I smiled and went about my business. As we were leaving for lunch she and I walked out together, I asked her if she was feeling better, she replied "I hate hangovers." I laughed and said "That's why I don't drink." HUGE leap for me. I do not speak of my problems with alcohol. So she said "Not at all?" "Nope" I replied. She asked why and I simply said "I found that during a certain time in my life I was relying to heavily on alcohol and I didn't like the path I was on." This was an honest answer, it requires no further explanation and I did not label myself something some people have no understanding of.

It is not shame that makes me careful of who knows what, it is a knowledge that some people don't understand and that lack of understanding can be detrimental. This is a life long endeavor, find your truth, share it when needed.

[navysteve]

Please remember that you have a disease not a disgrace. Does the diabetic need to feel ashamed for being diabetic? If you are an alcoholic you are responsible for your own recovery and you are responsible for being of maximum assistance to anyone. Does that mean that you break your anonymity? Maybe. The anonymity aspect is a good shield early on for folks like you. I was there as well. Working the steps is the only solution I know of, the transformation that happens is amazing, especially through 6 and 7 where shame turns to pride, hate turns in to love etc... our instincts have far surpassed their purpose, the steps bring them back to their right size

[Freedom1990]

For me, yes, the shame eventually went away. I can honestly say that my life is an open book, and I have yet, in 21 years, to have someone react negatively to the fact that I am an alcoholic in recovery, and that includes every employer that I have ever had.

My alcoholism is my greatest gift because I have found a whole new way of life

[kj3880]

I know what you mean. As a "secret" recovering addict, I feel like I imagine a closeted gay person must feel, I want to "come out" to the people in my world, but they are so not ready for it. I have my fellow addicts, though, so I'm not alone in my suffering. Oh well, there are worse things to be than a recovering addict, like maybe an active addict!
kj

[navysteve]

Ha!!!
I was asked by my recruiter if I was a friend of Bill's. It was the first time I was ever asked by someone if I was in the rooms. I definitely felt outed

[Pinkcuda]

I just moved to a small town a couple weeks ago. It's called Severance which is kind of a suburb of Windsor.
Windsor has a Stoplight and here we have a Stopsign. A gas Station a Bar and a Post Office. What a bunch of Hicks. I love it.
I stopped in to the Town Hall to see about A.A. meetings in Severance. The two ladies backed away with their jaws dropping.
I must be contagious.

[Dean62]

The last time I was drinking I had once again stopped going to work. It was a new job I had only been working at for 2 months and I was about to lose it when I decided I couldn't run anymore. I called my boss and told him I needed a week off to sober up. It was a relief to finally tell the truth to a boss about what was really going on. I can actually go to work and talk about my life. The person I work with daily is a recovering addict and we are able to talk about recovery while we work every day if we want. I recently had another co-worker tell me he had an addiction problem and we have started going to meetings together. He my boss and I have had some good conversations together in recent weeks.

I had a really good feeling when I received my 90 day chip so I clipped it to my backpack to maybe give me a boost if I needed it. Last week yet another co-worker asked me if it was my backpack. When I told him yes he said congratulations and showed me his 3 year coin. That same day even another co-worker saw my 90 day chip and started teasing me about it. I didn't mind it because he is nice younger guy and he was good natured about it. A little bit later as I was walking by he said loudly to the two guys he works with (we have over 100 people on my shift) that I had a 90 chip on my backpack. I didn't hear the conversation as I walked away but I like and get along with the other two guys and nothing has changed since he told them.

Then today I left my little big book on a table after break. I noticed a co-woker who didn't (as far as I know) know I was an alcoholic pick it up and look at it. He knew it was mine and was curious to see what I was reading. I really don't think he saw that one coming.

Everybody at my local church knows, family knows, pretty much everyone who knows me. I'm not ashamed of my past and I don't do much to be ashamed of today.

My situation may be the exception but D. I wouldn't have it any other way. It's another part of the freedom I'm finding in my new way of life.

[CarolD]

At my second AA meeting I knew 6 members.
So...I started out with no anonymity....

I have told everyone I know that I am a grateful AA member.
All family...bosses...co workers...social friends and neighbors.

I had a bumper sticker and a symbol on my last car.
I keep my current AA medallion in my billfold
I often wear an AA sweatshirt from my first home group.

I started out grateful and I remain so.
I just may be the first recovered alcoholic some meet.

Thanks everyone...really good sharing on this topic.

[bballdad]

the shame eventually went away with me too,especially when I realized I was a sick person with a illness.
everyone else knew I was a alcoholic,I was the last to know because of my denial.

[Zanthos]

Great thread. Thanks Grav for sharing about this.

When I think about all the shame I have felt, I don't associate it with being an alcoholic per se. I do associate it with how I felt about myself. I was intensely uncomfortable about who I was, about the way I felt, and about how I reacted to myself and others. I felt very UGLY on the inside. And I had a very powerful instinct to hide who and what I was away from others. I didn't want anyone to "see" how I felt. I believe this explains both my shame and my desire to isolate. I was wounded and in pain, and just wanted to hide away.

Over time, this all changed. I am just beginning to discover how much more comfortable I am in my own skin and with the person I am becoming. Simple things like showing up at meetings or social gatherings used to make me nervous in a way I didn't even know about until it stopped happening.

With people outside the program I spend a lot of time with, there comes a point where I'm going to "reveal" I'm an alcoholic in recovery or stop interacting with that person. That point is reached as I get to know someone and we start to become true friends. After that, I can't hide something that is so central to who and what I am. At the same time, for me to let someone know I'm an alcoholic has not been a big deal for any of my friends outside the program. They just don't care that much. It's only a big deal for self-centered ol' me.

[warrens]

Gravity

I haven't read the plies in depth, so if I'm repeating something, I apologize.

For me, it had to do with "acceptance." Acceptance of who I am as well as of all that is a part of me. Only after I could accept that I was an alcoholic could I also accept that I was an alcoholic in recovery. Neither can occur without the other.

Shame only exists when I am hiding something, whether it is from myself or others. I cannot recover carrying that burden. Perhaps others can, but I can't.

I'm very proud to be a recovering alcoholic. It is certainly not something I care to share with the masses, but I must not fear them either. Anyone who thinks less of me for coming to grips with this disease is not worth my fear. It is they who are defective, in my opinion.

The tentacles of this disease reach deep. If I accept shame for something I can never undo or change, I will remain forever in the grip of alcohol, whether I am drinking or not. As I see it, I bloody well deserve to be free of fear and shame. It is something I have earned and so have you. We have shown courage under very fierce fire.

I may not be able to totally understand those who are gay, but I sure as hell can accept those who are. I can accept and admire anyone who has the courage to be who they are. And I think I admire most those who are unashamed regardless of what I might think. As far as I know, we break none of god's laws by being sober.

warren

[bob_sapp]

Everyone's got their problems and things to be ashamed of. I don't like labels much, and I don't really use the term "alcoholic" to describe myself outside of meetings. I don't drink or use because it doesn't work for me. Whether I am an an alkie or not is irrelevant and noone's business but mine.

[bigredme]

it's not so grave, Gravity. You are an alcoholic. You have a disease. If you had diabetes would you feel shame? How about cancer? No, you wouldn't. If you identify that you have a disease and say "oh well...f-it" that would be cause for shame but to my way of thinking there is no shame in treating your disease. Only shame in choosing to do nothing about it and wallow. I choose to be very open about it. Frankly, it's a good way to figure out if new people will continue to accept that and take me as I am or treat me like a leper. don't care to hang out with folks who are so ignorant to think alcoholics are somehow broken so again...f- em. good luck to you dear. You should feel proud that you can even talk about this with us...it's practice.
lots of love,
bigred

[gravity]

Thank you for giving some thought to my question and taking the time to respond. I sincerely appreciate it as I get a much deeper understanding of alcoholism and living life for that matter.

A teaching that has been passed on to me by my Elders is that the Creator has given all of us certain gifts and it is our responsibility to honor these gifts by using them to help others. I truly believe in this and I try to live it. To me, Steps 11 & 12 mirror this teaching. I believe that I should be using my recovery experiences to help others, not just alcoholics but others who are a part of my path through life. But I find myself unable to fully open up when I know in my heart that I should. This is where my frustration & impatience is coming from.

I think perhaps the variety of responses indicates that there is no one right answer to how open one should be about their alcoholism & AA participation. I’m also pretty sure that it evolves over time and I will grow into what I am comfortable with. This may sound insignificant, but I now hang around outside talking with other members before & after meetings. I used to rush from & to my truck when I first started attending. I am also comfortable going out for coffee with my sponsor & other AA members. I used to cringe when invited, worried that someone would see me with “those AA people”. I'm also starting to go to meetings when I am out of town. So, progress definitely.

I believe that my shame = fear = my ego – it’s not “real”. I believe that 99% of the people who know me either wouldn’t care or would be very happy if they found out (people love me and worry about me - my wife gave me this answer). However, just knowing this and praying does not make these deeply ingrained characteristics go away over night. But I’m getting there.

I also heard loud & clear in many of your responses – be patient. I think I need to take a deep breath every now and then and say to myself “Slow down Don, everything is good.” Maybe not totally comfortable in my own skin yet but compared to where I was five months ago…

Thanks again everyone.

[miss communicat]

at my AA meeting earlier tonight, an old timer shared how he had originally intended to keep AA separate from his life; his work, his friends, his family.

Then he said that his sponsor told him he'd better drop that idea and be prepared to make AA central in his life and to be an open book about it.

Now, its taken me years to say that I see the value and wisdom in ths appraoch, but I do. The more I center myself around AA, the more open I am about my involvement in it, the more available I am to be of service.

Which will take my mind off whatever it was i was ashamed of in the first place, AND help someone else.

[best]

Originally Posted by Astro

I like to think that I wear my sobriety with pride...

I was looking for the words and look I found them.

You get to notice situations where it is better to be silent beyond saying no thank you, I don't drink.
What I have found is that others get uptight when I say I don't drink.

Well yes I have been thinking about stopping as well.
Well maybe I should cut down as well.

If someone wants to lable me as an alcoholic in their own mind...that is their business. As far as me telling others I am an alcoholic, I only do so among those who are seeking recovery or are in recovery.

To think of the depth of my bottom and ssee where a sober life has taken me today... Yes like Astro...I wear my sobriety with pride and don't care what others think of how I live my life. The way I live my life works for me and works for so many others that have found a sober life.