Anxiety about AA meetings

[deanac]

I've been looking into attending some AA meetings and maybe getting involved in the program. For now, I'd just like to use the time to get me away from drinking and provide some recovery support.

I attended an AA meeting many years ago. Didn't say anything except introducing my name and admitting I was an alcoholic. I have social anxiety/phobia that makes it really difficult to talk comfortably to small/large groups. I can still go to meetings but only if I am certain that I can be an observer and not have to say anything.

Is there a problem with this and will I seem out of place if I regularly frequent meetings but don't talk? I know you don't have to say anything at these meetings but I'm just wondering if it is common.

[ananda]

There are a number of people in meetings I attend that just say their name and pass, or sometimes say one sentance. It should be fine.

Also, attending Big Book Studies and Speaker meetings can be less awkward if you are worried.

Good luck!

[gravity]

Same experience as Ananda.

Sometimes (but not often in my case), they go around the room to ensure everyone gets a chance to speak. "Hi, I'm Don and I'm an alcoholic. I'll pass." is all I have to say.

There are people that attend our meetings and don't speak (but they are listening)- they keep coming back. They are there for the exact same reason I am. We are all equals.

Best wishes.

[barb dwyer]

Hi Dean ...

Welcome to SR and to thew Fellowship.

You know - I don't know if anyone has pointed this out to you as yet - but I attended meetings my first year of sobriety - two, sometimes three per day - for an entire year.

But not once ... did I feel I had to attend for what I needed to say.

People are encouraged to go to meetings ....
because of what we are going to HEAR.

You don't have to talk, hon.

It's all about the listening.

[Tazman53]

Barb said a mouth full!!! A newcomer gets far more out of meetings by just listening, now if a newcomer has a topic they would like to hear discussed they are encouraged to do so at most newcomers meetings.

I know one guy who went to at least a meeting a day (According to him) and never said a word for over a year. There is nothing in the world wrong with going to meetings and just listening, it is encouraged.

BTW to let you in on a secret, every one of us (Except the lunatics) were scared crappless our first meetings, you are not alone!

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR!


At my home group ...it's not at all unusual to have members
not sharing. To my knowledge...no one
commented on their choice to say "Pass".

Our meetings average 25 or so...not everyone
has the opportunity to speak at meetings.

Good to know you are planning to attend.
AA=Awesome Adventures....

[deanac]

Thanks, sounds encouraging. The first (and only) meeting I've been to had around 40 people. I remember there was a speaker there telling her story.

I'll have to keep an eye for ones that are the speaker meetings and big book studies. Thanks.

[tkdan]

Hey deanac, welcome to SR.

I have social anxiety/phobia that makes it really difficult to talk comfortably to small/large groups.

I can relate. I was amazed that after I found a home group that I felt comfortable with the anxiety/phobia of talking was much less. Sure I would get a little nervous but not too bad. The thing is it would not have mattered if I ever shared they were just glad to have me there. You sound like you are on the right track, keep it up.

[JustOneMan]

Well,

Personally, I rarely speak at meetings. As it has been pointed out already, the art of listening is encouraged.

And on a lighter note:

There are many who come into AA and just can't seem to STOP talking.

In there cases, sooner or later, someone will invariably use a time tested saying:

Take the cotton out of your ears and stuff it in your mouth!

So....

In your case, you may already be ahead of the game. Something to think about there.

Relax, and do whatever feels comfortable in meetings, after all...

There really are NO rules.

JOM

[RufusACanal]

I hardly ever speak at meetings... I do it all here!

[deanac]

I'll give it a try. I plan on going in the evenings during the time I usually find it difficult not to drink. Hopefully by the time I get back home, I'll be too tired to even want a drink.

[Pinkcuda]

I'd like to toss a wrench into the plan. A.A. was founded on the premise of Alcoholics helping Alcoholics to stay sober. It has less to do with Alcoholics helping us and more to do with us helping other Alcoholics to stay sober.
In 1935 after several failed attempts at getting sober, Bill said that he wondered if he could get sober by helping another Alcoholic. It worked! Bill never drank again. That was the beginnings of A.A.
Sponsorship is more about keeping sober rather than the other persons sobriety. Read Chapter 7 and the first paragraph will explain the thinking behind this. Nothing will insure Sobriety like helping another Alcoholic. That is A.A.
Having been to a few meetings I tend to notice who stays sober and who doesn't. I notice the Victories as well as the Failures. Those that add and offer ESH to others stay sober. Those that sit and listen don't do as well. Some do, but most don't.
Nothing in A.A. transfers through osmosis. Nothing rubs off and makes you sober.
Nothing in the book says, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who sat and listened long enough".
You may get sober by sitting and listening. I'll bet you're running on self will alone and the journey is more of a struggle.
As usual, that's just my input and should not be taken as fact!

[Tazman53]

Pinkcuda you bring forth some points for me to ponder, I see what you are saying, my experience in early sobriety was while the meeting was going on I got more out of it by listening, I spoke with a lot of folks before and after meetings, both supporting them and seeking help my self.

[Pinkcuda]

Could this be the roots of failure? Could A.A. be taking the blame for those that just listen and then go back to drinking.
We've all heard those that say "A.A. didn't work for me", haven't we?
An A.A. meeting in itself isn't going to get anyone sober. I sat in them for a couple of years waiting for my mysery and grief to "just go away". it wasn't until I started working the steps and doing what I was supposed to do that the promises came true. I kept skipping over the last line. "If we work for them". I wasn't working as much as I was waiting.
Thankfully I had the raw determination to quit drinking. There were countless times that I said to myself that my life was better when I was drinking. I was happier and I had things in order. I couldn't function as a sober person.
A.A. helped me to be a functional sober person. It wasn't until I worked the plan however. Nothing rubbed off.

[gravity]

When I first started attending meetings in December, I did not understand the importance of helping other alcoholics. I had only read a few pages from the Big Book. I was scared, confused, felt worthless, and didn’t believe I had anything to offer. When people told me that my being there was actually helping them, I thought they were just being friendly (actually, it felt like they were patronizing me). So initially I did just listen. It took a couple of months before the light bulb went off that in order to stay sober I have to help other alcoholics. At first, I simply did not believe it.

While I find sharing at meetings to be important (and I do share if I think it will help), I find that it is just one way to help other alcoholics. There are people in my meetings with 5+ years of sobriety who rarely share but they sponsor people, take emergency calls in their homes, greet newcomers, go out for coffee with others, etc.

Alternately, I have heard some people share and it comes across as venting and/or inconsistent with the Big Book (eg. It sounds like they are not working the program). I try to take a “live & let live”, “whatever keeps them sober” approach but I am starting to wonder how this affects others.

Recently, I mentioned to my sponsor that I was having a tough time identifying with people with long term sobriety in that I could not mentally comprehend being sober for decades. He gave me one of those looks and told me to go and talk to the newcomers – they might feel the same way and need my support. It’s one way I try to help out in addition to sharing at meetings.

[bob_sapp]

From what you say, you have anxiety/phobia in general, that has nothing to do with AA then does it? Maybe you need to see a dr or professional who can help you overcome this?

For me, I speak at meetings when asked because it is part of step 12 (carrying the message).

[deanac]

Well, I'm fortunate that my social anxiety isn't as bad as others. I can go out to public places, meetings and such. But put me in a social situation where I am the center of attention and I get really nervous. I've been to counseling and have seen several psychiatrists who have prescribed medication as treatment. I believe that my problems with alcohol is partly due to my SA (quite common for people with SA to self medicate with alcohol).

In any case, I'm going to give the meetings a try and take it from there. Just a question though, can someone explain what there difference between open speaker and open discussion meetings? I looked at the AA website but couldn't get a description of the different types of meetings.

Thanks for the feedback all.

[ananda]

Open means non-alchoholics are welcome

A speaker meeting is when one person shares what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.

a discussion meeting means many people participate in a variety of formats.

If you don't want to be the center of attention, the speaker meeting should work unless your the speaker

[CarolD]

...and don't worry
you will not be asked to be the speaker.

Enjoy the new experience....

[tennis71]

Welcome!

I was always better at typing than talking. If you do not feel comfortable speaking but want to participate, maybe talk to the meeting chair person before the meeting and ask if you can help set up or clean up. That is a good way to get involved without putting you on the spot in front of everyone.

If you really find that AA is the program for you, try and find a sponsor that you can work with one on one. And definitely keep coming back here to share your experience strength and hopes with us.

Keep on moving forward!

[barb dwyer]

Carol - do we have a sticky up here that defines the meetings?

[Tazman53]

Could this be the roots of failure? Could A.A. be taking the blame for those that just listen and then go back to drinking.
We've all heard those that say "A.A. didn't work for me", haven't we?
An A.A. meeting in itself isn't going to get anyone sober.

Cuda in talking with my sponsor who has been sober for over 19 years it was the norm for a newcomer to be told "Sit down, shut up, & listen!" or "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it into your mouth!", the success rate for AA was a lot higher back then. Could it be because AA sobriety was sharing thier ES&H and not people whining and spewing some of the caca that comes out of treatment centers? My sponsor calls it phsyco-babble BS!!!

At our state convention one of the speakers who had 49 years sober said that he was told by his sponsor to keep his damn mouth shut and listen during meetings, if he had questions to ask people after the meeting.

My sponsor went to one meeting in San Diego for years where you could not share unless you had a minimum of 10 years sober and had worked the steps. That meeting was heavily attended by newcomers.

For me listening was key, at first all I heard were things like:

"Don't drink and you won't get drunk."
"If you feel the need to drink get to a meeting"
"Keep coming back, it gets better."
"The first drink is the one that gets you drunk."
"One day at a time."

These and some others helped me to stay sober along with the fellowship and the hope I was given by seeing folks with more time then me smiling.

Listening and hearing what I was able to hear in those first weeks made a huge difference for me early on. They kept me sober long enough to where the fog was starting to clear from my head and I started to hear other things that had been said before but the fog was to thick for me to understand.

What I heard after the fog started to clear was how much a sponsor helped, I heard the old timers say that the key to long term happy sobriety was found in working and living the steps! One of the best things I ever heard said by an old timer was the answer to this question:

When should I do my 4th step?

The old timer answered:

When you are ready for the pain to stop!

Listening for me is how I learned what I needed to stay sober.