Opposite gender sponsor - gay sponsee

[justanothrdrunk]

I have a gay friend in the program who is sponsor shopping. Last evening he mentioned that he was going to ask a woman at our home group to be his sponsor. The unwritten rule is to have a same gender sponsor. As I understand things, this is primarily to avoid any romantic entanglements.

Applying that logic in his case, I guess he should seek an opposite gender sponsor. Or not. I don't know. I didn't say anything one way or another when he mentioned this last night. I didn't know if this is good or bad. But it got me thinking. How does it work when you're gay? Does the gender of your sponsor matter?

I know in the end that it's the quality of the sponsor that matters above gender. I was just curious what others thought.

Ready... set... discuss.

[Emimily]

my friend liz's sponsor is a gay male in recovery who is AMAZING. for the most part though, everyone else i know is girl-girl boy-boy.

just my 2 cents.

[Tazman53]

I have thought the same thing, but having no experience what so ever in this, I really have no idea, simply an opinion.

We have a gay group in our area that meets once a week, but I know a lot of them attend straight meetings as well, they seem to have the same message, the same program, and the same ESH.

Now here is my OPINION and that is it my OPINION, it might be better if a gay work the steps with someone opposite thier own gender.

Now let me throw this one out there, what if someone is Bi?????

[laurie6781]

I have many sober gay and lesbian friends in the program. It's about half and half, half have opposite sex sponsors and half have same sex sponsor.

I don't think it really is a problem for same gender when the sponsor is not of the same persuasion, however, it might be a problem if both were gay.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

[nandm]

IMHO the gender is only an issue when there is the chance of a romantic relationship developing. I think that sometimes people might be more prone to fall for their sponsor like some fall for their psychiatrist. It could truly complicate the sponsor/sponsee relationship. Unfortunately in early sobriety, many people are more susceptible to falling into relationships as the old habit of finding someone to fix us is easy to fall back into. Unfortunately that takes the attention away from where it should be which is sobriety. I have always had women sponsors and I am a gay woman. But I also have made a point not to cross any relationship lines in the process. I also would be just as comfortable with the right man as a sponsor. But in early sobriety I made a point to work on keeping my sobriety first as I knew that unless I was sober there was no hope for any lasting relationship with anyone including myself. Just my couple of cents worth

[Rob B]

My experience is this. In a fit spiritual condition, gender or sexual preference is irrelevant. My area is in desperate need of strong women sponsors, there are currently three I would trust a newcomers life with. That being said, I sponsor women.I don't announce this fact or make a big deal out of it, but from time to time I am approached by females. I make it crystal clear what I am and what I am not, my fiance is always aware and I discuss it with my accountability group.

Several months ago a woman with 20 years asked me to take her through the work, as laid out in the big book,this was a great experience, she wore her time as a badge of honor even though she didn't know what it meant to be alcoholic.I'm not convinced she was, she fired me about a month ago, LOL said I was to rigid. That's ok,it won't be the last time. the point is I stand ready to help any alcoholic who wants to recover, this is my responsibility.

[Music]

I've seen it work both ways. My wife and I have both sponsored gays of the same sex as we, but I think it works fine with opposites as well.

[best]

If a person of quality character is found, it wouldn't matter.
Thing is, we are all messed up to some degree, some more then others.
We have all recovered to some degree, some more then others. The rule is there for a reason...let the reasoning of the rule be the guide, not the rule itself.

Seek out a sponsor with a good moral character.

[jimhere]

I've sponsored several gay women. One I became real close to, one of my best friends. We swap inventory all the time, I crash at her house when I'm in Seattle late, and I trust her with my life. It's almost like we sponsor each other.

A bit of history-Marty Mann, one of the first women to get sober in New York City AA, was a lesbian. Her sponsor was Bill Wilson.
Jim

[Zanthos]

I had a gay woman sponsor. But then she went straight (not my doing! ), so I went back to a male sponsor.

[miss communicat]

I'm a woman. my former sponsor, a bisexual woman, has a man for her sponsor, which made my (former) grandsponsor a man. I felt doubly lucky!

i have step-sponsored 2 men in the past because I was asked and I felt i could help them. both are still sober and we are good friends. I am no longer their sponsors though.

[RufusACanal]

The idea of same sex sponsoring came at a time when pigeons hawks were on the rise.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

I'm bi. I"m in a committed relationship with a woman. My sponsor is a woman. I did wonder over whether to be sponsored by a man or a woman, I figured that men usually get me in more trouble so I went with a woman. She had what I wanted and some of her family members are gay..

I sponsor a woman. She doesn't care what my sexual orientation is.

I think it really depends on your motives. I'm working my program and wouldn't stray from my committment to my partner because I now lead a better and more honest life, 13 stepping a sponsee, or anyone for that matter, would go against how I'm trying to live now.

I would def NOT sponsor anyone whom I was attracted to.

So, short answer: It depends.

:-)

[Freedom1990]

I have a male sponsor, but, we've had years where we had no females in our small AA group at all.

I have the utmost respect for him as he's got over 26 years sober, and doesn't cut me any slack. He's the first man I ever met I couldn't manipulate

We've known each other for 21 years now. His wife is also a good friend of mine

[Kimmers927]

Okay, as a gay women, from the start of my sobriety, I have had another gay woman sponsor. When I first got sober, I had no friends in the gay community because everyone who I considered good friends stayed at the bar. When I met the person I wanted to sponsor me, I was so enthralled with what she shared at the meeting and her 17 yr sober time, I was just grateful to have someone I could talk to. Through her, I met other gay folks in AA and developed friendships. I guess that was most important to me when I first got sober because like so many others, I didn't know what true friendships meant and didn't know the first thing about developing any kind of relationship sober. She is still my sponsor and we are also good friends as well. She is there for me through any tough time. I guess I knew I was not attracted to her in any romantic sort as well but I treasure her sponsorship more than any other relationship I have had. I think back now and I don't think I would seek a sponsor that I had any attraction to...first thing first -- staying sober.

[kj3880]

I'm really struggling with this issue. I still don't have/can't find a decent woman sponsor with more than a year on in my area. There are like 3 of them and they are already over-committed in terms of sponsees. I am getting desperate about it.
kj

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

KJ,

Are you going to any women's meetings? How bout Big Book meetings? I found my sponsor in a Big Book meeting.

Just a thought...

[CarolD]

Hmm..
my first 2 sponsees were a lesbian and a man.
One stayed sober one did not.
The difference?
One worked the Steps one did not.

I totally agree with Judith...

IMHO the gender is only an issue when there is the chance of a romantic relationship developing

[Tazman53]

I have no fear about my intentions if a woman asked me to sponsor her, my fear would be that she may develop an attraction to me that could result in her getting hurt.

I am not saying that because I think I am hot stuff, once I sobered up I quit thinking I was hot stuff! LOL

In our area there are now enough solid women in the program to sponsor new women so I would have no guilty feelings about guiding a woman to a woman, if a lesbian asked me to sponsor her....... well I really do not know right now, lesbian or not, she is still a woman and I feel another woman straight or not might be able to better relate to her. Just my feelings at this time.

We have some ladies in the rooms today who started out with men as thier sponsors because 30 years ago there were very very few women in our area fellowship.

[barb dwyer]

I tried - I find I really don't have an opinion on this as long as the motivation is clean?

the opposite gender makes sense logically ...

[kj3880]

Nomoremerlot, I'm mostly go to NA so we don't have the big book mtgs. I know this forum is for alcoholics, not really for addicts, but since the topic was sponsorship, I thought I would ask you all because the programs are similar about sponsorship, I think. Also in my area, we only have 2 womens' mtgs, and they are during my work hours, unfortunately. I might even take a day off to go to one though, just to see. Then maybe I might meet someone and they could help me even though I couldn't keep going to that meeting, maybe? I am talking to a lot of women addicts and alcoholics on the phone (I go to some AA meetings when NA is not giving anything for my schedule) but the ladies I've met are new, like me. There are a lot, lot, lot of newcomers at my meetings. Maybe old-timers are rare everywhere? Is that how it is? I guess a lot of us just don't make it around here. How sad. I'm going to make it no matter what. Even if I don't get a sponsor anytime soon, I'm hanging in there. I'll just keep coming back on here, going to meetings, and working on it. One more question: There is a woman who does seem to want to sponsor me. She had really decent clean time, 10 yrs this month! But, she has sooooo many problems in her life, (her addict b/f just went to prison, house raided, no car, wrecked finances) that I think she might even need more help than me. I don't want to add to her burden at this point. So I'm just being a friend to her, taking her to meetings, talking and sharing. But I don't think she would make a good sponsor at this point in her life? What do you all think?
kj

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

KJ,

Ok, sorry bout the assumption!

This friend of yours might need to sponsor you right now more than ever! You will help her by being her sponsee. Worth a shot..

Even though she's having a hard time right now, does she show serenity around her issues? How is she handling it? Handing it up? Using her tools? If the answer is yes, then I would ask her.

Keep us posted!

[kj3880]

Yes, she is really serene, I have to say that. I just don't admire the choices she is making, they worry me. I'm pretty sure that I would help her. There is a problem with that, though. I have a tendency to really get into other people's problems and avoid working on myself (codependant). I wonder whether we would just work on her all the time and if that would make it harder for me to get better. I know that sounds selfish, but it's not like I'm cutting her off. I'm definitely going to be her friend no matter what.
kj

[CarolD]

Kimmers927.....Welcome to SR!

Congratulations on your sober years

[lilbit]

GREAT DEBATE!
Hey...whatever it takes to stop drinking/using today! ALL DAY! ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!
Nice to see this....Although...me being a smartazz...I gotta say....I have YET to meet ONE SINGLE SOLITARY PERSON that HASN'T slept with someone from AA or NA in their first year...but...please...continue...THIS is good stuff here....