Cunning, baffling, powerful...and patient!

[jlo34]

Thursday was a challenging day for me. I suppose despite everything, I still suffer with my spiritual malady at times. I am/was suffering from the desire to do some type of addict behavior.

After examining my life and life circumstances, that brings me to: isolation, not talking or telling anyone about my feelings (stuffing), which of course brings on the lovely "terminal uniqueness", my favorite, which brings on the "poor me, pour me...", which leads to the unbelievably uncomfortable RID (restless irritable and discontent).

Took Friday off and hit an AA meeting. Doing better overall, but it shouldn't suprise me, though it does, how amazingly quickly that sets itself in motion... Just one. Just one. Just one drink, just one smoke, just one drug, just one.... Yea, just one screwed up, messed up human being.... No thank you. Not today.

Thankfully, I'm trying hard to do what I've learned I'm suppose to do when I feel this way. Call people in AA. Call my like-minded people. Amazingly, I got a hold of another woman who was going through the same mental stupidity as I. We helped each other. The funny thing was; she was just getting ready to give me a call when I called her. Coincidence, hardly! God at work, definitely!!!

Anyway, the thoughts mingled in my mind yet again today. No where as horribly strong as Thursday or Friday...but strong none the less.... Forgot that I have an AA lead in my car, which I popped in Friday. Bet you can't believe what it's about...yep, Spiritual Malady!!! Duh, my HP so looks out for me!!! I have another one for back up when I finish that.

Seventeen years sober, just about went down the toilet...just for one stupid moment of instant gratification....though I know that I know it wouldn't have been gratification....it would've been tormented and twisted hell... Just like it was before. Though that person I use to be seems so long gone, like a lifetime ago....it's all waiting just around the next corner. All I have to do is set the deadly cycle in motion by picking up that first one.... This danged disease is so cunning, baffling, powerful, and ever so patient. Just waiting for me to get too complacent, too relaxed...always searching for that "perfect moment" when I don't even reealize what the heck is happening.

One day at a time, that's the blessing I have today. Those seventeen years don't mean squat if I don't pay attention to just for today. Again, at that point in the Big Book where "there'll come a time when we are competely defenseless against that first drink".

Gratefully still sober, still smoke free, and still drug free...just for today!

Blessings all and God bless,
Jen

[CarolD]

Powerful message Jen...Thanks!

Congratulations on continuing your recovery years!

[Tazman53]

Thank you Jen, I have been blessed, I have not had that feeling in quite a while, fleeting thoughts, but not a real urge/need, I have 20 months, your share helps folks like me remember that when I least expect it is when my disease may try to jump up and bite me in the rear no matter how much time I have.

You continue to live it in the day even after 17 years, that is awesome, your experience maintains my hope and gives me strength, thank you Jen.

[laurie6781]

WTG Jen!!!!

You have the tools and you USED them, that is how it works.

Just remember Recovery is progress not perfection, we have lapses, get tied up in life, family, work, obligations, kids schedules, etc and all of a sudden BAM!!!! RID has set in 'one more time.' You handled it very well and sounds like you got a pretty good "God Shot" there!!!!!

I'm glad you shared, good reminder for me, to slow down, take that personal inventory on what I am doing for my spirituality. Thank you.

You have my phone number, you know you can call anytime sweetie.

Love and hugs,

[Cathy31]

Don't mean squat if I don't pay attention, just for today...so true!! Thanks Jen for sharing you remain a great inspiration - and pertinent reminder - thank you!
Cathy31
x

[jlo34]

Ditched work today and went to 2 meetings. Brought up RID at both. Amazing...guess what, other people, right where I am. First one was a gal at 6 weeks sober. Next meeting was a gal who was 7 months sober and a guy who was 2 years sober.

So thankful that I can listen and learn. My brain wanted to pull ego-rank. Not listen to what others had to say. Not bring up the topic. Not admit to my thoughts, my feelings. My brain and I are still arguing over whether we are going to turn this crap over or continue to suffer. So stupid. Why I fight, I don't know.

You know, I have so much good in my life...why I would consider throwing it away is beyond me. Yet my brain keeps trying to convince me otherwise. The sick part is, I'm allowing it. I feel this resistance to handing it over yet. Like, I'm not done suffering, please, lets see how close I can come to relapsing, lets see how much pain I can drudge up before I decide to surrender. It sounds retarded, it is retarded...but that's the way my brain is working now.

Do I feel like I am going to pick up today? No. Do I want to? Yes, but mostly no. Am I willing to go to any lengths to stay sober today....haven't decided, probably will. That darned meeting with the idiot, self-sabotage.

Keeps coming up with attitude of gratitude too. Do I have an attitude of gratitude? Somewhat. I am grateful for many things. I guess right now, I just don't feel like I deserve it. Bingo. I just don't feel like I deserve it. Hmmm, now I have something to work with...time for prayer.

Jen

[Tazman53]

jlo sounds like you are still struggling a bit..... how about a BB quote? LOL

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when other fail. Remember they are very ill.

But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!

Might not be a bad idea to start going to newcomers meetings and getting to work!!!

[jlo34]

Ditched work again today....my daughter had a bad asthma attack late last night/this morning... Went to another meeting today (wow, 3 in one week!!!). Plan on going to another one tomorrow. Still having thoughts...not with the urgency or desire I had previously. More of, well, for lack of better phrasing, "a longing" or wistfulness. Usually when my brain/body is idol.

Took a long walk this evening and did a lot of praying. Asked God to please help remove my burdens. Time to walk away from the fire before I get burnt. It's dumb. It's stupid. It's unnecessary and very dangerous. Intellectually, I know all this. It's the rest of me that craves being at the edge. The instability. The indecision. The chaos. Excitement of sorts.

While I was walking and praying, I got stuck on "and the wisdom to know the difference". I think I'm going to dwell on that. Going to do a bit of reading before I go to sleep.

Blessings,
Jen