I Care About my Sponsor & Need Advice

[gravity]

A newcomer that my sponsor is trying to help is saying some extremely disrespectful garbage about him both in the meeting room (he is not naming names but everyone knows who he is talking about) & outside the meeting - some deliberate, some extremely insensitive.

It's hurting my sponsor.

It’s ****ing me off.

Do I advise my sponsor to cut the guy loose or do I just let it go?

[CarolD]

It's entirely up to your sponsor to decide what to do.
He has a sponsor to advise him I imagine
or at least a network of men who know him.



Prayer calms me

[serenityqueen]

I think this is something that your Sponsor is more than capable of handling on his own. I imagine if he is aware of it, he has a reason for not cutting this person loose. Maybe he feels this behavior is just another part of his addiction. Maybe there are issues that you are not aware of and as a Sponsor is unable to break that confidentiality and share with you.

Either way, I would Pray for this individual. Obviously there are reasons, acceptable or not for this behavior.

God Bless you for looking out for your Sponsor like you do. Shows just how much you care.

Keep it Simple,
Judy

[Music]

Originally Posted by gravity

Do I advise my sponsor to cut the guy loose or do I just let it go?

MYOB!!

[bballdad]

I would not touch it with a 10 foot pole....it`s easy to get sucked into the sickness

[sugErspun]

Inventory it..sounds like a perfect 10th step to work.

[Barto]

When you say it is hurting your sponsor, do you mean his reputation or his feelings – does he know what his sponsee is saying about him? If he doesn’t know, you might tell him, or suggest to the sponsee that he talk to your sponsor about his feelings rather than everyone else.

Just my .02

[phunky rich]

I had a similar experience. After talking to my sponsor I found it bothered me a whole lot more than it bothered him. Situations like this bring the first line of the serenity prayer into mind. I let it go and it turned out just fine. It's amazing how things work out when I don't try to run the show.

[gravity]

Originally Posted by Barto

When you say it is hurting your sponsor, do you mean his reputation or his feelings – does he know what his sponsee is saying about him?

His feelings, the guy is saying this stuff in front of him & others. Others were telling him not to worry about it, if the guy is upset then he is doing his job. He responded "it still hurts", visibly shaken.

A little background - a few weeks ago my sponsor did ask me to "help out" this guy - eg. tell him my experience, which I have at different times. The sponsee is uncertain about proceeding with the steps. Prior to all this toxic stuff coming out, I told my sponsor about what I had read the night before in chapter 7 (eg. letting people go until they are ready, time may be better spent helping someone who is willing to work the program). I suppose I have already told him what I needed to.

Last night, I did pray for my sponsor & the newcomer. I will stay out of it unless I am asked to help, it's between the two of them. My sponsor knows he can call me at any time. I am also viewing this as yet another reason for being sober, to be available in case my sponsor or the newcomer needs any help that I can offer.

Thank you for your replies. I am taking all of your advice.

[Barto]

Originally Posted by gravity

His feelings, the guy is saying this stuff in front of him & others. Others were telling him not to worry about it, if the guy is upset then he is doing his job. He responded "it still hurts", visibly shaken….

I will stay out of it unless I am asked to help, it's between the two of them. My sponsor knows he can call me at any time. I am also viewing this as yet another reason for being sober, to be available in case my sponsor or the newcomer needs any help that I can offer.
all of your advice.

Sounds like it is all under control, and that you have an excellent plan than.

[bballdad]

Gravity,maybe that group could discuss gossip or character assassination as a topic when this guy is present.To be honest,if I was in your shoes,I would be ticked off about it.Big resentment with a capital R



Yrs ago,we had this guy say in a meeting he had another sponsor.His present sponsor was there,and he got the news he was "fired" by way of a meeting.Thats not a good way to do things.

The guy stayed sober for a 12 yrs and got drunk for 3 more yrs.He now is sober 9 months and he is making amends to his old sponsor for what he done then and he seems to have a lot more humility.He has quite a change of attitude.

[daydream]

I had this experience about 3 years ago. A girl I was sponsoring told me how upset she was with me for not being there to see her pick up her 60 day keytag. I had never said anything about being there, she had not asked me to be there and she had not mentioned at all the week she was to collect it. I told her kindly, but without excuses, that I was proud of her for getting her 60 days, but that I cannot possibly remember or be there for every keytag that every sponsee picks up. I could tell she wasn't satisfied. About a month after that, a reliable and trusted sponsee of mine told me all the nasty things the girl was publicly saying about me. I had already recognized her pattern of talking bad about everyone around her. I wrestled with what to do. Finally I decided that I just wasn't recovered enough to let it go without a word. AND I felt it important that the girl be called on her behavior, that I as her sponsor help her look at herself and apply spiritual principles to her feelings toward me. So, I just confronted her with what I heard. Rather than accuse, I told her what I had heard and asked her if it was true. Unfortunately she denied every bit of it, so there wasn't much I could teach her. Within another month or so she left meetings. I had loaned her one of my books. Never saw that again, lol. Had tried to get her to do steps. She never did the first thing I asked her to do. But in the end, I believed I had done the right thing by trying to address the behavior with her appropriately instead of ignoring the sickness.

[miss communicat]

Originally Posted by daydream

I had this experience about 3 years ago. A girl I was sponsoring told me how upset she was with me for not being there to see her pick up her 60 day keytag. I had never said anything about being there, she had not asked me to be there and she had not mentioned at all the week she was to collect it. I told her kindly, but without excuses, that I was proud of her for getting her 60 days, but that I cannot possibly remember or be there for every keytag that every sponsee picks up. I could tell she wasn't satisfied. About a month after that, a reliable and trusted sponsee of mine told me all the nasty things the girl was publicly saying about me. I had already recognized her pattern of talking bad about everyone around her. I wrestled with what to do. Finally I decided that I just wasn't recovered enough to let it go without a word. AND I felt it important that the girl be called on her behavior, that I as her sponsor help her look at herself and apply spiritual principles to her feelings toward me. So, I just confronted her with what I heard. Rather than accuse, I told her what I had heard and asked her if it was true. Unfortunately she denied every bit of it, so there wasn't much I could teach her. Within another month or so she left meetings. I had loaned her one of my books. Never saw that again, lol. Had tried to get her to do steps. She never did the first thing I asked her to do. But in the end, I believed I had done the right thing by trying to address the behavior with her appropriately instead of ignoring the sickness.

it sounds reasonable to me that, in your situation, you be willing to address the gossiping as a vehicle to do some growth and step work with your ex sponsee. And, that you were willing to let it go once you did have your say.

i think she is now in some of my meetings. (just kidding)

[Tazman53]

Last night, I did pray for my sponsor & the newcomer. I will stay out of it unless I am asked to help, it's between the two of them. My sponsor knows he can call me at any time. I am also viewing this as yet another reason for being sober, to be available in case my sponsor or the newcomer needs any help that I can offer.

That is what I would suggest, the only thing I would add is to make sure your sponsor knows you are there for him and what you are doing now and why.

[Signal30]

This pretty much explains it...

"This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." (Big Book 1st edition, How It Works.)


And this is one of my favorite "paraphrases" in the 12&12...

"Self-righteous anger also can be enjoyable. In a perverse way we can actually take satisfaction with the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority. Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness." (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Six, words changed for copyright reasons.)

That above paragraph hit me like a sledgehammer the first time a read it. True and poetic!


Tom

[Zanthos]

Let it go.

It will be really good for your spiritual development to do so.