What would a sponsor do...

[ROFL]

What does a sponsor do when their sponsee, who is working on step 3, admits to drinking on a special occassion?

What does a sponsor do when their sponsee, who is working on step 3, admits to a 5 day "relapse".

I am working the steps in an unconventional way and would appreciate your kind input.

[barb dwyer]

ummm... well ...

were this *my* sponsee ...

I'd have to encourage them to change their sobriety date.

Because obviously something ... didn't take.

SO it'd be time to start at the beginning;
and find the weakness.

The steps arent so much about keeping score as they are about ... repair.

So if something springs a leak -
ya gotta go back and see WHY it's not conducting the way it's designed to.

Just one sponsor's opinion.

[Sugah]

If I were the sponsor...

First, I'd ask why it's significant that a drink was taken "on a special occasion." The wording seems to be justification and reservation - such as, "I have a desire to stop drinking, except when it's my birthday, my mother's birthday, my neighbor's birthday, my wedding, my divorce, Groundhog Day, the day I get my dog neutered, etc...."

Second, a day 5 relapse? On step 3? That sounds more like a brief interruption in drinking than a relapse to me.

I'd suggest it's time to go back to step 1, or get a new sponsor who doesn't mind co-signing - which, in that case, would technically be a co-dependent.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Zoobear]

You are not on step 3.
You are not even on step 1.

[warrens]

ROFL

I'm not sure what a sponsor would do, but I do know what a friend would say-a friend who also happens to be an alcoholic.

Don't do it. Don't "think yourself" into relapse. I agree about focusing on step one. That is the difference between my first recovery and this one. Step one. Seriously. You haven't really done it. I need to revisit it every day.

Don't deceive yourself. You cannot be therapist and patient. You have a fool for a client.

warren

[BP44]

I know what my sponsor would do, and because of that I know what I would do with one of my boys. I would say....if you are done and willing to go to any lengths to get and stay sober, then we start from here. If you have a desire to stop drinking, then this is day 1 for you. If you are convinced that you do not know how to stay sober then we are at step 1. Don't drink, go to as many meetings as you need to today to stay sober in this 24 hour period and call me each day. Do not call me drunk, I don't talk to drunk people.....something along those lines. God gives us the words. By the way, I have been taught not to fire sponsees. They can fire me if they choose, but I am always available to the willing. This thing we do will work for anyone, but the foundation must be based in truth. I have found no exceptions to this must.

[Tazman53]

I will reply only what I would do:

What does a sponsor do when their sponsee, who is working on step 3, admits to drinking on a special occassion?

I would have a heart to heart with them, see if they are serious about stopping drinking.

If they are then we would go right back to step one, And suggest they change thier sobriety date. If they choose to not change thier sobriety date then I would tell them to find another sponsor.

The only reasons I will ever drop a sponsee is for lying to me or them telling me they are not ready to stop drinking yet.

What does a sponsor do when their sponsee, who is working on step 3, admits to a 5 day "relapse".

I would have a heart to heart with them, see if they are serious about stopping drinking.

If they are then we would go right back to step one, And suggest they change thier sobriety date. If they choose to not change thier sobriety date then I would tell them to find another sponsor.

The only reasons I will ever drop a sponsee is for lying to me or them telling me they are not ready to stop drinking yet.

I am working the steps in an unconventional way and would appreciate your kind input.

If the "unconventional way" includes drinking every once in a while, while working the steps then I would not agree to sponsor you in the first place.

If the "unconventional way" is not like it is spelled out in the BB then I would not agree to be your sponsor, I would be doing you and I both a disservice, you see my sponsor took me through the steps the way his sponsor did who took him through the steps the way his did, etc., etc. etc............... that is according to the BB.

In the BB it says:

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

Notice I bolded the word our? Well the path the folks refered to in "our" is one that rarely fails! It has a proven track record, it worked for me and thousands of others before me. I would not be doing you or your future chance at sobriety justice by taking you through the steps in an "unconventional way".

To me that would be like me selling you a car that I have never driven telling you what a wonderful car it is and how well it runs when I have never even sat in it versus me selling you a car that I have driven and I know for a fact it works and it works well.

I will add this, if I dropped a sponsee because he lied to me and he came back later and came clean and asked me to sponsor him, I would take him back.

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by Zoobear

You are not on step 3.
You are not even on step 1.

I couldn't agree more.

[bballdad]

Originally Posted by Freedom1990

You are not on step 3.
You are not even on step 1.

I would like to add you are not in AA either...

[Barto]

How much damage was done during the relapse? A think a slip for me would be disastrous. I doubt I’d be back in five days – more like five years if I were lucky.

Nevertheless, I would ask the sponsee if he could admit to his inner most self that he “is” powerless over alcohol and that his life “is” unmanageable.

If this sponsee couldn’t admit to both, I suggest trying some controlled drinking because maybe this sponsee is not alcoholic. No sense building a house on a bad foundation.

Of course the sobriety date has changed, but that is the least of the problem as far as I am concerned.

[Barto]

It’s hard to say whether this person is in AA. If he has a desire to stop, and he says he’s in, he is in as far as I’m concerned. No desire, no membership.

We have only one requirement, but we do have that one requirement.

[Zanthos]

Originally Posted by ROFL

What does a sponsor do when their sponsee, who is working on step 3, admits to drinking on a special occassion?

What does a sponsor do when their sponsee, who is working on step 3, admits to a 5 day "relapse".

I am working the steps in an unconventional way and would appreciate your kind input.

This sponsor DROPS that sponsee immediately.

That sponsee was being dishonest with his sponsor, which to my mind poisons the relationship. The sponsee now believes that he can get away with this kind of behavior with his current sponsor, because he has been getting away with it.

In my opinion, the sponsor should inform the sponsee that the sponsee has not being working the 12 Steps, needs to start back at Step 1, and before doing so needs to demonstrate to himself a willingness to pursue recovery by reaching out and asking for help all over again -- by finding a new sponsor.

A sponsee does not need a particular person to be their sponsor. What a sponsee needs is to go through a process of rigorous honesty based on the 12 Steps.

Oh, and whatever "unconventional way" you think you're working the 12 Steps -- chances are you have no idea what you're doing.

[ananda]

You know----if AA just meant doing exactly as directed in the big book, why would anyone need a sponsor.

I am certainly not perfect, and if I were to be fired for lying....I would have to switch sponsors on a regular basis. I still have growing to do and i was told i didn't have to get well to go back to AA. AAs have worked and cared for me even when I have made disastorous mistakes. If the hand reaches out for AA i am to be there. hard on myself and compasionate toward others.

I would NEVER have been able to get sober if I had been subjected to some of the rigid judgmentalness I see at times. But then again - I think some people can ONLY stay sober in that environment.

Regardless - AA obviously works...thank "god".

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by ROFL

What does a sponsor do when their sponsee, who is working on step 3, admits to drinking on a special occassion?

What does a sponsor do when their sponsee, who is working on step 3, admits to a 5 day "relapse".

I am working the steps in an unconventional way and would appreciate your kind input.

Depends. Some old school sponsors would tell the sponsee that they might not be convinced that they are alcoholic, and suggest a further course of drinking. And why waste your time with meetings and all that nonsense if you aren't alcoholic?

[Barto]

God love those old time sponsors! – doing it by the book, etc. LOL.

To be read in addition to working with others:

Alcoholics Anonymous :

[navysteve]

Well it sounds to me like the steps are not being worked. Step three is a decision that requires immediate action. To be on step three means that I : Said a prayer to God offering myself to Him
I am then at step 4.

Step one identifies my problem ( I am a drunk)

Step two tells me the solution ( I need a power greater than me)

Three thru eleven deliver me at twelve. The only reason to stay on step one and two is:

I am not sure I am one

I am not sure AA will work

[Barto]

Originally Posted by ananda

… if I were to be fired for lying....I would have to switch sponsors on a regular basis. I still have growing to do and i was told i didn't have to get well to go back to AA. AAs have worked and cared for me even when I have made disastrous mistakes. If the hand reaches out for AA i am to be there. hard on myself and compassionate toward others.

I would NEVER have been able to get sober if I had been subjected to some of the rigid judgmentalness I see at times. But then again - I think some people can ONLY stay sober in that environment.

Regardless - AA obviously works...thank "god".

I agree with all the above.

As far as going exactly by the book goes, I like to do it that way because it works. And I don’t believe anyone “needs” a sponsor. It just makes it a lot easier, like traveling through the jungle is easier with a guide that's been through it before. But the map works too.

[sugErspun]

I read that book many times by myself.

It made sense when I read it aloud with a recovered alcoholic....asking questions, taking action.

[collinsmi]

Time to get back to step 1 part 1 "we conceded to our innermost selves we were alcoholic". Start at the beginning again. Cant get past there, no point in going further

[CarolD]

I am working the steps in an unconventional way and would appreciate your kind input.

Well ROFL ....
That means you are working them without an AA sponsor?
Might be why you are having trouble staying sober.

Just thinking aloud....

[Barto]

Let us not forget that many have stayed sober without a sponsor – including Charlie Chamberlain, author of “A New Pair of Glasses. There is nothing in AA that says a sponsor is required. It worked for me, so I recommend one, but it is not at all necessary to have one.

[ananda]

I think I may have missed something, but I thought the person starting the thread just said he/she was working the steps in an unconventional way.

That might fit me, but I have a sponsor.