9th step amends

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Hi all,

So, just beginning to work on the actual writing of my amends. I'm just curious. I've seen it done differently even within my sponsorship group..

My sponsor gave me a "format" if you will. I feel good about this in that I won't be able to go off on a tangent (ie, but because you did this I did this blah blah), however, I"m a bit concerned that I won't have the freedom to express myself fully?

Just thoughts..just beginning with this. Anyone use a format in their amends?

Thank,

Karen

[sugErspun]

A format? I just wrote a list of the names of the people from my fourth step - the harm I had caused them (or at least what I perceived as harm). I added some names and harm that weren't tied directly to my inventory (though 90% of my ammends list came right out of the 4th step) and I put each name, with the harm on a 3X5 card.

Reviewed each card with my sponsor, tossed many of them away (would cause more harm to contact these people, or the harm was exaggerated by my ego). And prayed over each one (one at a time). I put a check on the card when I felt the go-ahead from higher power to approach these people. Some still have a red-light, just not time yet to make ammends. It's a feeling....


This is pretty common way of doing it in my group...not really sure if it is a 'format'...but that's my experience with it.

[Rob B]

I use 3x5 index cards. I write down all the contact info so I can find them, I also ranked mine in order of difficulty.

I write (briefly so I don't justify anything)

1. I believe I have caused you harm, I used to be specific, the more ammends I made, the more I found out I didn't know squat about how I harmed someone.

2. I ask, what do you need to tell me about this? (this is where I sit and listen) it is not always pretty, but this deal is not about me, it is an opportunity for the other person to heal from wounds I caused.

3. I ask, what can I do to make this right? Then I write it down.
I have heard responses that range from "keep doing what your doing" to drop dead, never contact me again, or a simple "how about paying me back?" The book gives great directions and practical advice for almost every situation you are likely to encounter.

You are doing well, you are going to experience the promises, you will enter the fellowship of the spirit, which is different than the spirit of the fellowship.
Continue to trust God, clean house, and help others and your new life will continue to unfold in ways you never dreamed possible. Keep us posted.

[Jfanagle]

I was told that my 4Th step was my amends list. I set out to make those with the proviso that "when to do so would harm them or others" was my watch word. Some were written, due to the inability to contact them face to face. In a couple of cases they were dead, so I sat at a couple of gravesites and spoke with them. Some did not want to see me, so written was the best I could offer. (live folks, not the dead ones, they never commented on whether they wanted to "see" me or not!)

Several were financial and I either paid them back, or arranged to do so, which I have now done. The IRS was very helpful in that they made all the arrangements for me, and $27,000.00 later we are on good terms!!

The most difficult were the family and close friends as they are "living amends" and I am "making payments" on those everyday and will never be done. The act of being willing to make the amend is the most critical in my opinion. Words and actions seem to just fall into place if I ask for a little "divine guidance" prior to beginning the amends.

That we are "willing" to make an amends is in my mind the most critical part of this step. Most people are quite generous when they see we are sincere. Regardless of the reception you receive know that you are willing.

Best of luck. By the way, with the exception of the living amends it took me about 4 years to get all the work accomplished that I needed to do, and it really does get easier as you work through them.

Jon

[ananda]

My sponsor had a specific wording she wants me to have in all amends. I am only on my 3rd one, they are with close AA people, and I knew the wording would cause more damage. So I am following my belief. This simply wasn't one I could in all honesty do the way she recommended. Although the ammends is as people say, about me not them.....it is also about them. It is about repairing damage. So consideration of the other person is important.

I will use her wordage when I do not feel it will cause a problem for the other person.

[bballdad]

I broke them down into specific areas like criminal,family,etc.A friend from S Jersey sent this to me some yrs ago and I still use it.This is the only format I have used



Amend type (a) – The people we hated / resented:
Ÿ It may be some have done us more harm than we have done them. With a person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth. It is harder to go to an enemy than a friend, but the benefit is greater.
Ÿ We go to them in a helpful, forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret.
Ÿ Under NO condition do we criticize or argue.
Ÿ We are there to sweep off OUR side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so.
Ÿ NEVER try to tell them what they should do. Discuss YOUR faults, not theirs.
Ÿ Be calm, frank, and open.
Ÿ It doesn't matter if they accept the apology or throw us out of their office. We've made our demonstration, done our part.

Amend type (b) – The people / institutions owed money:
Ÿ Most (All?) alcoholics owe money.
Ÿ We do not dodge our creditors.
Ÿ In some cases, some of us had to disclose our alcoholism by way of explaining what drove us and what we are now trying to do.
Ÿ We do not try to beat anyone out of anything, but we arrange a deal that we can live up to. Arranging time payments has worked for many of us.
Ÿ Let them know we are sorry. Drinking has made us slow to pay.
Ÿ We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them.

Amend type (c) – Incidents of criminal offense:
Ÿ Some of us padded expense accounts, fell behind on child support, wrote bad checks, and committed other offenses of the law, which might land us in jail if it were known to the authorities.
Ÿ We remind ourselves that we MUST be willing to go to ANY lengths to set right these wrongs if we are to stay sober. We don't have the power to do this so we ask God for strength and direction to do the right thing.
Ÿ No matter what the personal consequences may be, we know God will protect us if we try to do the right thing (for a change).
Ÿ We may lose our position or reputation or face jail (though most of us had already experienced that), but we are willing anyway. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything.

Amend type (d) – When others are involved:
Ÿ We are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save ourselves.
Ÿ Before taking drastic action, which might implicate other people, we secure their consent.
Ÿ If we have obtained permission, have consulted with others, asked God to help and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink.
Ÿ Sometimes it is better to take these risks than to stand before our Creator guilty of our wrongs.
Ÿ We have to place the outcome in God’s hands or we may soon start drinking again, and then all would be lost anyhow.

Amend (e) – Domestic troubles:
Ÿ We may be mixed up sexually is a fashion we wouldn’t care to have advertised. After years with a drunk, spouses get worn out, resentful, and uncommunicative.
Ÿ We begin to feel lonely, sorry for ourselves. So we look around for “someone who understands”, feeling justified, when WE were really the source of the problem in the first place. If we are involved in this way, we often feel very remorseful at times and we have to do something about this.
Ÿ If the spouse does not know, we do not always say it is best to tell them. If they know in a general way that we have been wild, we admit our fault.
Ÿ We feel we ought to say that we have no right to name the people involved even if our spouse insists on knowing all the particulars. We are sorry for what we have done and, God willing, it shall not be repeated. It is better that one does not needlessly name a person upon whom our partner can vent jealousy.
Ÿ Perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded. No outsider can appraise such an intimate situation.
Ÿ It may be that both of you will decide that the way of good sense and loving-kindness is to let by-gones be by-gones. Each might pray about it, having the other one’s happiness uppermost in mind.
Ÿ Keep it always in mind that we are dealing with that most horrible human emotion: jealousy. Don't risk more combat over this.
Ÿ Even if we have no such complication as sex outside of the relationship, there is plenty we should do at home.
Ÿ Some alcoholics say that the only thing we need to do is to just keep sober. This isn’t true because we are yet a long way from making good to our spouse and family whom for years we have so shockingly treated. Sobriety without amends is NOT enough.
Ÿ We have been like a tornado roaring our way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Our selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.
Ÿ A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won’t fill the bill at all. We sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize any of them. Yes, they may have defects, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible for a lot of them.
Ÿ We set right our wrongs with the family, asking each morning in meditation that God show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love. The spiritual life is not a theory. WE HAVE TO LIVE IT.
Ÿ Unless one’s family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them. Our behavior will convince them more than our words.

Amend type (f) – Wrongs we can never fully right:
Be very careful about listing anyone or anything here. We only list someone here if we can HONESTLY say that the wrong cannot be righted, usually when to do so would further injure them or another person. We are willing (or pray for the willingness to become willing) to make the amend if we could. This should also be discussed with others practicing this way of life because we are very good at justifying just about anything.
Ÿ We don’t worry about them if we can HONESTLY say to ourselves that we would right them if we could.
Ÿ If the case is that they cannot be seen, we write them an honest letter. If they are alive, we send it to them; if they are not we read it to them (perhaps at a place or with a person that we associate with them).
Ÿ There may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases but we don't delay if it can be avoided.
Ÿ We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. We don’t crawl before anyone.

[RufusACanal]

"Now we need more action, without which we find that "Faith without works is dead." Let's look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol."

Reprinted from the First Edition, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Is there a better way than what the Book says? Not being condescending and Step Eight and Nine are spelled out word for word. By the way, you might need to pray for the will to follow through, but follow through you must. Who would go to any lengths over Alcohol?


Good Work Karen!

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Thanks everyone! It feels good to be at this place right now..

[Barto]

The toughest part for me was/is ignoring the wrongs that some of these others have done me, especially when I think it is unquestionable that they caused me much more harm than I caused them. But we have to put their wrongs aside and sweep off our side of the street. This has been, and will again be, tough for me.

The good thing is that I can see most of my faults these days. This makes it all so much easier than it was in the beginning. And the faults I can’t see, my sponsor has no trouble pointing out. LOL.

I always have to remember that my goal is the be free of the resentment, guilt, or remorse, when I’m done – okay with the universe – able to look anyone in the eye and feel good. This something money can’t buy. I could never really do that until AA, except maybe when I was a young kid.

I don’t know about any special format. I just did it the way the book says, and added a few that weren’t connected with my inventory, like Sugerspun mentioned. It’s funny, this time around they are all connected, and all about the same character defect.

I really like sticking by the Big Book. It really does cover The Steps pretty thoroughly as far as I’m concerned.

[Tazman53]

Mine is very much like Rob's, not really a format per say, but a method to prioritize & document, a way to make sure I have discussed all of them with my sponsor and to keep my pointed head from forgetting who I owe an amends to.

I still have some to make, some grave side, some that may never happen because the names and even locations are (for now) long lost in a drunken blur of lust. The one biggy I have is with my ex, we only see each other at a few family functions and she is a bit unstable so I have not been able so far to catch her in a mood where she would be receptive to it without causing a show for the whole family.