Do Resentments Ever Completely Go Away?

[gravity]

I’m 4 ½ months sober. I have been attending meetings (twice a week - family/work responsibilities), I have a sponsor & I am going through the steps (I’m on step 9 and practicing 10, 11, & 12).

Yesterday, I got home from work in an okay mood, quite tired though. My wife told me that she was going for a couple of drinks with her colleagues on Friday. She wanted to make sure that I would be home to stay with the kids and not working late.

Immediately, I felt anger & jealousy rising in me. My thoughts: “She is not supporting my sobriety.” “It sure would be fun if I could go out for drinks after work on Friday…f**king alcoholism.” The strange thing is that as I was having these thoughts & feeling these emotions, I knew that my thinking was wrong – I felt kind of detached, actually knew that it would pass. By the way, I smiled and told my wife that I would be home (I’m learning ).

I went downstairs to be alone, to calm down – and it didn’t take long, 10 minutes at the most. My thoughts were replaced with “If my wife wants to go for drinks with her friends, it’s not a problem. I’m the alcoholic, not her.” “My wife has had to live with my active alcoholism for all these years and is supporting my sobriety in so many ways – grow the hell up & be there for her.” “I love my home, doing things with my kids, watching sports on TV – I am going to be here anyway.” “I can’t drink - period. Get over it.”

I did meditate last night, thanked the Creator for giving me strength. I asked Him to remove this character defect. Truthfully, the resentment I felt was only a shadow of how I would have felt and acted a few months ago so there is significant progress.

Do resentments ever completely go away? Is there something more I should be doing? Maybe I’m too early in my sobriety to be able to react to these situations with complete calmness of mind. Or is it something I just have to live with? Discomfort every now & then is no big deal as long as I get through it without drinking. Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by gravity

I did meditate last night, thanked the Creator for giving me strength. I asked Him to remove this character defect. Truthfully, the resentment I felt was only a shadow of how I would have felt and acted a few months ago so there is significant progress.

Honestly grav, I think you're doing great. The steps you're taking are a great example of how a spiritual program of recovery works. You can see for yourself that you're making progress, so maybe that's good enough rather than looking for perfection?

I can share a little of my experience..........

I'm a little over 3 years sober, but there's one resentment that I just can't get past, and that's the anger I feel towards my ex's new husband. But I've learned that I don't have to be OK with adultery, it's not alright for an outside party to break up a family. I don't have to condone that kind of behavior, and I certainly don't have to be friendly towards that person.

But the problem for me is that that issue torments me at times. So it's that old question of "how free do I want to be"? I do the same things that you're doing. I pray and meditate, and thank God for the gifts of recovery and the serenity that He's given me. I do the best I can to follow His will for me every day, and to be of humble service. And in doing those things and staying focused on my sobriety, I find peace 24 hours at a time.

For now, that's good enough for me.

[sugErspun]

Well - the book says "WHEN" these things pop up, not "IF". So, resentments are going to come and go (such has been my experience) - once I saw the root of all resentment was 'ME' - and not anyone else, they seem foolish and tend to drift away.

I think particular resentments (i.e. - resentful at my 10th grade teacher for emberassing me in front of the class) do go away completely, if that wasn't the case, I don't think true forgiveness would be possible.

On the other hand - we are given tools which to use as resentments come up, when they come up.

[Sheryl85]

Originally Posted by sugErspun

Well - the book says "WHEN" these things pop up, not "IF". So, resentments are going to come and go (such has been my experience) - once I saw the root of all resentment was 'ME' - and not anyone else, they seem foolish and tend to drift away.

I think particular resentments (i.e. - resentful at my 10th grade teacher for emberassing me in front of the class) do go away completely, if that wasn't the case, I don't think true forgiveness would be possible.

On the other hand - we are given tools which to use as resentments come up, when they come up.

Well said, Adam.

[Zanthos]

Great post, Gravity. The fact that you're thinking in those terms, that you are aware and examining yourself, and taking the right actions (prayer, etc.) shows you're really working a program. Which is awesome!!!

And like you said, you recognize that you've made a lot of progress already and that your capacity to blame and resent and seethe with anger is less than what it was not too long ago.

At 4 1/2 months, you've just started out in recovery. But it sounds like you've really taken to it and are making the program work for you.

Originally Posted by gravity

Discomfort every now & then is no big deal as long as I get through it without drinking.

Quote of the day!^^^^

[anvilhead]

gosh you sound like you are really working your tail off for your recovery!!!! well done. about resentments....part of it depends on how long we've been dragging em around.....i mean there was some idiot tailgating me this morning and boy did i wanna hit the brakes just a little harder than need be so my tow hitch would nicely crunch their front end....best i can recall it was a black car.......and will be replaced by another idiot who can't grasp the concept of safe following distance........

then there's the resentment against my dad that i'm really only now at 48 coming to ACCEPT - he and mom split when i was less than 2, he was never a part of my life except for a brief period at around 16 and again at around 32 (oooo, that's kinda weird.....cuz now i'm 48 and that's all extrapolations of 16.....huh) and he doesn't live THAT far away and i have his dang phone number and address and i just can't bring myself to CALL him...cuz what on EARTH am i supposed to do with a FATHER now????

resentments are kind of the universe's way of pointing out stuff we might want to look at in ourselves....some unrest within us, some discord, something just not quite figured out that brings us consternation and confusion. and we let go of them when we are ready to, when we KNOW exactly what it is we are releasing, and when we are ready to accept the new and the unknown, cuz we never give something up without getting something back..........

you just keep doing the footwork and living your life to the best of your ability and god bless ya!

[Signal30]

At 4.5 months sober I was nowhere NEAR being over with most of my resentments. It took me a year and three months to finally let go and let God. When I did the resentments and fears just simply didn't brew and stew rage.

Of course, in order to maintain this, I have to keep exercising my recovery by continually working the program.

Sounds like your doing pretty good. You are recognizing the stinkin thinkin. Heck, that's half the battle right there. Seems like you are exactly where your supposed to be. Keep up the good work.


Tom

[gravity]

A sincere thank you for your replies. I don’t know if you fully realize how much your experience & advice helps people who are new to the AA program. You have been on this road longer than I have and your sharing has without a doubt given me a much richer & deeper understanding of what AA is about. I feel so much stronger for it.

After reading your replies, I do feel that I am right where I am supposed to be, that I am doing what I have to do. Working through the steps, talking to my sponsor, and going to meetings will not wipe the slate clean and leave me without any negativity or resentments (although many are now gone or significantly weakened). I will have to keep praying & meditating, keep living the program, keep learning, work hard to follow the Creator’s path for me, keep my thoughts in check. I have to stop trying to be perfect and just accept who I am & where I’m at today. This ongoing "work" does not intimidate me in the least. In fact, it’s a good way to live.

Since day 1, I have treated my recovery with the deepest respect - a life & death matter. I can honestly say that one day at a time, I am moving forward. While some days are just another day sober, many days I am blessed with greater understanding. Today was one of those days.

Don

[Zanthos]

You sound great!

[bballdad]

Grav,you sound like you did the right thing.We used to drink over things like that.When we go thru times like this i believe it can make us stronger.Stepping stones to progress



Resentment is my "number one" offender. It(my resentments) destroys
more (me)alcoholics than anything else. From (my resentments) stem all
forms of (my)spiritual disease, for we(I) have been not only
mentally and physically ill, we(I) have been spiritually
sick. When my spiritual malady is overcome, we(I)
straighten out mentally and physically. (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS,1st edition page 64)

[Tazman53]

Gravity for 4 1/2 months you are doing very well, it sounds like you are working a solid program and you are benefitting from it.

I have about 20 months so I will share my experience so far, I have benefitted from this thread from those with more time then I.

Do resentments ever completely go away?

Not yet, all of my old ones are gone now, but I have still have new ones pop up now and then, but I am finding the resentments are no where near as strong as they used to be and I deal with them far quicker and easier then I used to.

Is there something more I should be doing?

From what you have shared I would say to continue to do what you are doing now, keep on working and living the steps, I have found the longer I practice these principles in all my affairs the more natural they become, I have a long way to go but I am getting better.

Maybe I’m too early in my sobriety to be able to react to these situations with complete calmness of mind. Or is it something I just have to live with? Discomfort every now & then is no big deal as long as I get through it without drinking.

What helps me is this:

Progress, not perfection!

I have yet to hear a single old timer say they have it perfected, as a matter of fact they share that they continue to work and learn every day. The old timers say that when they quit learning and progressing they are in trouble.

[barb dwyer]

Not all of them apparently...


















































- and it really pisses me off!

[Tazman53]

- and it really pisses me off!

Yea I got a resentment at what pisses you off Barb and I don't even know what you are pissed about!!!

[barb dwyer]

Taz -


I dunno. Sometimes -
an old resentment will pop up
and I wonder if it isn't just 'habit'.

Nothing specific.

Just a tendency more than a resentment.

[Music]

Originally Posted by gravity

Do resentments ever completely go away? Is there something more I should be doing? Maybe I’m too early in my sobriety to be able to react to these situations with complete calmness of mind. Or is it something I just have to live with? Discomfort every now & then is no big deal as long as I get through it without drinking. Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

The answer to your first question is "yes!" The answer to your next question is "yes" with the following qualification. Take a look at the payoff. Is holding a resentment doing you any good? I was told once that holding on to a resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. Also, letting the other person live rent free in my head. No payoff there! The only payoff I can see is the occasional feeling of justifiable anger which accompanies that "I'm better than you" attitude. In the case of your wife going out for a drink, I think the resentment is caused by the fact that you can't do what she can do and it makes you angry. So, just accept the fact that she can drink(and there's no reason she shoudn't enjoy her friends)and you can't drink. Hire a babysitter and go out with your friends. Time apart is healthy time too. Discomfort now and then is just living life on life's terms.

[caraway]

Hi Gravity. I've just started doing daily readings. I've found one of the early May readings particularly helpful to me. Infact I'll be thinking on it for a while I think. Thought I'd share it incase you find it helpful too. Its about self and forgiveness. Its from a daily reading book called 'God Calling' so its as if ones HP is talking to you. It was first published in 1935 and I got it from my local church shop (Christian) so I hope the wording doesn't put you off...

“Kill Self Now.
Self dethroned – that is the lesson, but in its place put Love for Me, knowledge of Me.
Self, not only deethroned, but dead. A dead self is not an imprisoned self. An imprisoned self is more potent to harm. In all training – (in Mine of you, and in yours of others) – let self die.
But for each blow to the life of self you must at the same time embrace and hold fast the new Life, Life with Me.
It is not a dead self that men have to fear, but a thwarted, captive, imprisoned self. That self is infinitely more self-centred than the self allowed full play. But to you, My children, I teach a higher science-law than even freedom of the self. I teach death to the self. No repressions, just death. Petty self-life exchanged for Divine Life.
And now I can make more clear to you what I would say about forgiveness of injuries. It is one of My commands that as you seek My forgiveness, so you must forgive.
But what you do not see is that you, the self in you, can never forgive injuries. The very thought of them means self in the foreground, then the injury, instead of appearing less, appears greater.
No, My children, as all true Love is of God, and is God, so all true forgiveness is of God and is God. The self cannot forgive. Kill self.
Cease trying to forgive those who fretted or wronged you. It is a mistake to think about it. Aim at killing the self now – in your daily life, and then, and not until then, you will find there is nothing that even remembers injury, because the only one injured, the self, is dead.
As long as it recurs to your mind you deceive yourself if you think it forgiven. Forgiving injuries can be one way of feeding a self-life.
Many deceive themselves in this."

[gravity]

Thanks, caraway,

What a timely post!

Last week, a long time AA member mentioned that he felt kind of "off" perhaps because he didn't do his morning readings. Sounded like something I should do, to start my day off in a good way. Your post was my first "morning reading". By the way, I welcome wisdom from any source, any faith.

I just finished reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle mainly to learn more about the ego. I am again reading the Big Book with a much better understanding of ego & self. I find it just amazing that a reading from 1935, the Big Book, and a book written in 2005 are so consistent.

The first time I met my sponsor, after listening to me speak for a couple of hours, he told me that "we would really have to deflate my ego." I smiled and nodded, not knowing what the heck he was talking about. So I made it my mission to find out and, in retrospect, I wholeheartedly agree with him!

[sugErspun]

Grav

Did you ever read Tiebout's article on the ego and alcoholism?

You can find it on silkworth.net Good stuff.

[gravity]

Thanks sugErspun,

I copied the summary in case anyone else is interested. I read the summary first and just had to read the whole article. Even the patient in the article had a drinking pattern identical to mine. I'm definitely going to spend some time looking around the site.

THE EGO FACTORS IN SURRENDER IN ALCOHOLISM
Harry M. Tiebout, M.D.

Summary

In the process of surrender which the alcoholic necessarily undergoes before his alcoholism can be arrested, the part of the personality which must surrender is the inflated Ego. This aspect of personality was identified as immature traits carried over from infancy into adulthood, specifically, a feeling of omnipotence, inability to tolerate frustration, and excessive drive, exhibited in the need to do all things precipitously. The manner in which surrender affects the Ego was discussed and illustrated briefly from clinical experience. The object of therapy is to permanently replace the old Ego and its activity.

[navysteve]

[quote=sugErspun;1762342]Well - the book says "WHEN" these things pop up, not "IF". So, resentments are going to come and go (such has been my experience) - once I saw the root of all resentment was 'ME' - and not anyone else, they seem foolish and tend to drift away.

It is unrealistic to think they go away. It would be nice. But they can stay arrested if I work 10,11,12 daily.

My resentments do not own me today. They are tools of my recovery program. They tell me its time to get to work now.

But of course what the hell do I know, I took the short bus to my spiritual awakening