Shaken ... Not Stirred.

[barb dwyer]

Hi everyone -

Strange event coming in to work tonight … kinda left me … I dunno.

Went to the local little quick serve gas station across the street on the way in to work tonight.
Ran into a member who I haven’t seen around in quite a while.

“Hiiiii ... *hug* howya doin!’” ... all that.

Bla blab la … (catch up small talk stuff)

“Hey a bunch of us
(from the Fellowship)
have started hanging out down at the
(name doesn't matter) bar-
You ought to come down
and shoot some pool with us sometime.”



Excuse me –

The BAR ?!?!?!?!?!

I shot league pool down at that bar.
A lot.

I just stared at him a minute
(I TRULY ... had no idea what to say)
and he says :
“It’s okay – we just hang out and drink coffee and cokes.”
GET THIS –
“It’s A PLACE TO BE THAT’S NOT THE CLUB”


WELL duhhhhhhh –
Ya think???
Yeah it’s not the CLUB ...
that’s because IT’S A BARRRR, Einstein!!!!

I kinda stammered out an excuse about having to work and all that,
and we parted ways.

But I was truly stunned.

FOR ME …
That’s a slippery slope the equivalent of roller blading on a church roof.
On ice.
In a windstorm.
For me.

First – I was a substitute shooter for that bar’s team.
I had a running tab I almost never got asked to pay on.
I was personal friends with the owners, and all the bartenders.
It was widely assumed that if I ever quit the bar I worked at for so many years –
I’d wind up behind the bar of this place.
Second –
That is one of the bars I’d go drink at when I was serious about getting
And staying - drunk - preferrably all day ... all three shifts.
Where I could go and not be interrupted in my drinking,
or feel I really had to entertain anyone as the off duty bartender of another bar. It was close to the ranch I was renting at the time … dirt backroads all the way home … maneuver the T-bird in between the cattle and all is well for another outing.

Solly Charley …
No can do.
I mean, to go there and shoot pool.

Now, this ‘faction’ of people have done this before.
Started hanging out at one bar or another in town …
(oh we just go listen to the bands, they say)
And sure enough …within .. say, 90 days;
Three or more will ‘fall off’ the wagon.
Then there’ll be much angst and teeth gnashing …
And everyone will quit flirting with the inevitable
For another 6 – 8 months.

Call me judgemental –
But hanging out at a bar
And then somehow mysteriously winding up drunk
Or in somebody’s bed you might not oughta be in
Is not ‘falling off’ any wagon.
That’s a kamikaze head first DIVE OFF THE WAGON.
It's no mystery at all, is it - or is it just me????

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing.

And the kinda funny part is
He’s all ‘got game’ ya know.
Leather jacket, heavy cologne,
Charley’s angels hair thing goin’ on ….
dude obviously had mistaken ME for an idiot.
He wasn't going down there with intent to be with sober friends...
that was a man trollin'.
He ... was on the hunt.

*pause*
Wow.

At twenty one months sober, y’all –
I’m not able to do that.
Go hang out at a bar.
I’ve just got that kind of a personality that putting myself into that environment
Is simply not safe.
Remember in the BB where it talks about our getting around alcohol or being offered it or something -
and we're 'recoiling as if from a hot flame'
(ok – one problem I’ve always had with that
is that I’ve never expereinced a COLD flame)
But still –

I’m there.
I know I was looking at him strange cuz he kept talking.

Anyway -
I"m here at work now ...
and still just kinda shaking my head.

That's just not the life OR the life"STYLE"
for me any more.
I thought it was funny how is shook me up, though.

Recoiled ... as if from a hot flame.

wow.
IT's real.

ok.
I shared.
Thanks.

[Signal30]

I stay out of bars because the smell, the sights, and the atmosphere remind me too much of days past. Normally I did most of my serious drinking at home. The only reason I usually went to bars were to get laid. Beers cost too much at bars and eventually people got on my nerves the drunker I got. Those same people would probably get on my nerves even more now that I'm sober.

Just like the George Thoroghgood song, "I drink alone."

I'm ok at places like BW-3's, because I'm there to eat. The beer flowing, I barely notice. Just a regular bar is a place I don't want to go, because it is full of things I don't want to be around.

You wouldn't go to a snake exibit if you didn't like snakes. It's no different if you don't drink and go to a bar.




Tom

[barb dwyer]

Sig - I know what you mean.

Butte .. is not a big town.
While there's a lot of bars for a small town -
it'd be tough to go to a bar here ...
that you hadnt been drunk in at ONE time or another.
BUt this one -
I'd marked as a 'trigger' bar fromthe beginning.

I went there (in the past)
with ONE intention.

I don't neet to 'flirt' with disaster
to know disaster exists.

Funny how it shook me up though.

ps -

The only reason I usually went to bars were to get laid.

LOL !!!
One of the things I like about you ...
your overwhelming humility...
thanks for the laugh!

[Done_With_It]

Call me judgemental –
But hanging out at a bar

I don't think your being judgemental,

but from a different perspective I know
this will sound weird, but I can kind of
see where they are coming from.
When you come from a small town sometimes,
born and raised in places, sometimes like that.
It's what you know.

I think you are smart the way you are thinking,
I also think it is very hard to live in small towns
for that reason sometimes.

Especially in the Copper town.

[barb dwyer]

Done -
I KNEW I'd hear from you on this one - LOL

But just for me ...
that's a LOSE / LOSE proposition.

I *kinda* understand as well -
you get sick of the same old ...
and the pool table at the club is ka-ka.

Thing is -
I could *smell* the self - decpetion
even stronger than his cologne.

And yet it spooked me to think that's I'd walk in down there... ever.

I don't know.
Brought up a lot of thoughts, memories, and feelings for me.
But I'm not TEMPTED .. in the least.
It's more of a ... look how far you've come feeling.
thanks!

[Done_With_It]

Originally Posted by barb dwyer

Done -
I KNEW I'd hear from you on this one - LOL

But just for me ...
that's a LOSE / LOSE proposition.

I agree with you 100%.

It's more of a ... look how far you've come feeling.
thanks!

Good for you. Too many never get to see that..

[serenityqueen]

Thanks so much Barb for sharing that. Very strong message there.

With 34 months Clean & Sober, I cannot even imagine setting foot in a bar. Like Tom said, the BW3's or TGI Fridays are one thing, but the bars where the pool tables are & the machines selling everything from a squirt of cologne to glow in the dark condoms are another. The thought of going into one of those honestly nauseates me.

" . . . We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. . ."

I'm sorry, there are certain doors in my past that I have shut and choose to remain shut. Doors to bars.

I'm sure my feelings will still be the same when I have 134 months Clean & Sober.

God Bless,
Judy

[barb dwyer]

With 34 months Clean & Sober, I cannot even imagine setting foot in a bar.

Thanks YOU for that.

Sometimes, it's 'implied' that ...
oh, no problem, get some sobriety under your belt
and you can go anywhere no sweat.

*I* don't have a problem
why shoule *you* have a problem
as if there's something WRONG with my sobriety or something.
As if now that I really have accomplished a little time sober ...
I *should* consider it 'safe' or something.
well-
For ME it may well NEVER be safe.
Not in this town anyhow.

Thank you for saying that.

I guess I'd better say -

were I to get a 12th step kind of call -
'come get so and so they're drunk up at the 'bla bla' bar uptown ...
I could DO that.
Go in and get someone.

That really *is* no problem.
I've already done it in fact.

But to go for no other reason
than to play pool and hang out ...
Be with friends sober or not ...
I'll pass.

Thank you Seren, for that.

[serenityqueen]

Going into a bar for me would be just like taking a second turn playing Russian Roulette

If the first pull of the trigger didn't kill me, let's hope the next one doesn't either.

Judy

[barb dwyer]

glow in the dark condoms?

[dgillz]

Somebody in my home group brought up the subject of is it OK to hang out in bars. My reply was we pray every day "lead us not unto temptation". It makes little sense to turn around and willing walk into the ultimate temptation for a drunk - a bar.

[CarolD]

For me it was imperative to stop working and hanging in bars
The lifestyle was destroying my soul.

Wow! did I love bars!

From fancy hotel cocktail lounges to Jazz bars to juke joints
I worked and played in them for decades.

The story in the old BB editions
"Belle of the bar:" was 80% me.

Judy and I drank in the same ones at different times
in different places. I know exactly what she meant!

Tom...all the men seemed handsome and charming at last call.
...Evidently so did I.

And like you Barb....no way would I be joining in such
dangerous activities.
The drunk me would have never left the scene
recovered me finds the idea revolting.

Could I still throw darts? Shoot pool? Liars Poker?
Wear too much make up and too little clothes?

Nah! that is not the new me.
Been there Done that and wore the wet T-shirt.

[barb dwyer]

Thank you Carol- that helps me understand as well something ...

What I ..
I dunno - 'realized' ...

Is that I've got an whole different PERSONALITY about the whole bar thing.
I 'slip' into 'bartender mode' regularly as I go through this life of sobriety as it is...
something happens and I 'change' into 'bartender barb'.
it's a NOTICABLE change that my SO points out to me.

My voice changes.
From the years of talking over loud music.
the FORCE ... behind the voice changes.
From years of cutting people off and throwing them out of the bars.
Bouncers?
They don't exist up here.
You're a woman and you're behind the bar-
you get trouble -
you're on your own.
How I stand changes.
I own the joint.
OR I may as WELL own it.

Suddenly ... I"m back in 'bartender' mode.
That is ALSO ... DRINKING mode.

Very.
Very.
Dangerous ground for me.

As well as unecessary.
All of it.
Unecessary.

You said it perfect Carol -

The drunk me would have never left the scene
recovered me finds the idea revolting.

I've chosen a kinder life.
And I'm a better person for it.

[Last Call]

I shoot league pool, 8 and 9 ball, and have for years. So once a week I go to various pool halls around Colorado Springs and hang out with the team and shoot pool. Three of us on the team don't drink, nearly every team we face has players that don't drink. I have never found this to be a trigger for me, and didn't want to give up activities I enjoyed just because I want to be sober. Alcohol is everywhere, bars, restaurants, sporting events, "health" clubs, theater, golf courses, dinners, parties, everywhere. I figure I have to learn to live with it around me if I don't want to live like a hermit. And I find observing drunks reinforcing of my desire to quit.

Maybe because at the end I was pretty much a solitary drinker and didn't want people to see how screwed up I was getting, I have not found being around alcohol to be a bigger deal.

Then again outside of pool night I don't go to bars to hang out, they are boring, smelly and full of drunks.

LC

[ananda]

The bar thing seems to be very individual. I just went to an art exhibit that my son had some peices in last night. It was a reception. The last opening i went to i was high on speed and drunk as hell. I was concerned about this one, convenced myself there wouldn't be alchohol...and low and behold...an open bar.

Well, this was my son's first time of having a peice in an exhibit and he needs to know in a physical way that I support him. I was uncomforable and it was strange/hard? but i do believe that for me it was something i could deal with on this occation becuase of the purpose i had in being there. i guess i wouldn't see hanging in bars as an option for me unless my son was in a band or something like that. for me bars is pick up men time and that would be almost as bad for me as drinking!

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders barb...thanks for sharing.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Geez...big hug for you Barb. I know what you mean bout a "man trolling".

I have a few friends who are musicians. A few times a month I will venture into a bar to see them play. This has never been difficult for me since finding recovery. Towards the end, I drank alone at home so maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know. Maybe it has to do with them attracting an older, less drunk crowd.

There are a few lesbian events that support music that I will NOT attend due to the sheer amount of drunk 20-somethings. This, I CANNOT handle. It doesn't look like fun from where I stand.

The thing that trigger's me is someone drinking red wine with a nice dinner. Or drinking a beer on a hot day. Bars? Nope.

I think that we all must be very careful about our own personal triggers.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

I like to say, bent not broken


There are a few things I still like to do in recovery that have people drinking. I still enjoy going to baseball games, comedy clubs and concerts. I do go with sober people for the most part to these type of events.


I live in a small rural community, we don't have an Alano club where we can shoot pool. A bar wouldn't be a good spot to shoot pool in. Do these members you're talking about have a lot of years sober? What time of day are they shooting pool? The later in the day the drinking usually gets to be more. Back in the day, I enjoyed shooting pool during the day as well but, I was drinking then. I usually left early in the afternoon.

There a bowling alley in town that has a pool table? That would be a little safer!!

Tough call, if you don't feel right about joining them, you know your limits that's a good thing.

[best]

Originally Posted by barb dwyer

that’s because IT’S A BARRRR, Einstein!!!!

I think I know that guy *LOL*
Worked with a guy that someone called him Einstein one day.
Why did you call me that?
Because you are so smart.

He walked around for 3 days telling everyone that Mike said he was Einstein.
*LOL*

What is it that Forest says?
Stupid is as stupid does.

[mikel60]

Whoa... bar?

Uh-uh. Not me. I'm with you on this one, Barb. I've shared here before... i was the ultimate "I drink alone' rebel. Thought I was the real lone wolf cool dude. I'd pump twenty quarters in the juke box and play that song over and over. Real Victor Mature stuff...

I go in a bar today and when I sit down I'll put my car keys, house keys, picture of my wife and kids, 12 year medallion, teachers contract, doctoral studies, union rep position... everything right there on the bar. I take one shot of Jameson's (straight up, four fingers- cause I'm a he man- dammit) and all that stuff I put on the bar is gone. Forever.
Bars?
You have got to be out of your bleeping mind. Completely.
Mike