Thoughts on finding true self in sobriety

[nandm]

I realized that one of the gifts of sobriety I have been given is finding my true self. I will try and explain what I mean by that. When I was a young child I was comfortable with who I was. I learned though before I hit my teenage years that conformity to what others expected me to be was something that I felt I was expected to do. So for the next 20 some years I wound up losing myself in who I thought others wanted me to be. I became quite the actress/cameleon. I was quite adept at presenting myself in most any situation in the way I thought was expected of me. The problem with living like that is one can not please every one all the time. In fact people pleasing caused me to bury who I am deep inside in a place where it has been difficult to find. One of the most difficult questions I found during those years was "describe yourself". I was unable to describe who I truly am. I used general terms such as I am a mother, I am a paramedic, I am a nurse, I am a wife, etc.... I defined myself by the job or jobs I had at the time. I had become so adept at being someone else that I no longer even knew who I was was. I had no self respect, no self confidence. My favorite words were "I'm sorry" because that is what I felt, I felt like everything bad was my fault because I was not good enough. I learned how to hide that feeling from the outside world but inside I was miserable, lost, and confused.

I have learned in sobriety to stop the acting. To stop trying to please others. That my being true to who I am is very important as it is being honest with myself. Today I no longer define who I am by outside terms. I have learned in sobriety that I am a kind, generous, curious, capable person who loves to learn and looks forward to life. This ability to be comfortable with who I am inside is important and a gift that sobriety, the Steps, the Principles, and my HP have given me today. Even when I have bad days or days when I don't feel good I still am able to maintain my self respect and not hate who I am. I am able to separate my inside from the circumstances going on in my life rather than feel the circumstances are a reflection on my character. I am able to trust my intuition today.

I would enjoy hearing if anyone else has had similiar experiences in sobriety or even just thoughts on the subject.

[1963comet]

I feel that today my true self is showing because I am sober. I like myself now. I do not wake up with regrets like I did when I was drinking. I enjoy so many more things because my mind is clear.

[Sugah]

One of my fears in getting sober was that, like you, nandm, I had been a chameleon. I've thought about this -- I don't know if I'd ever been "me" prior to getting sober. I was afraid of who I might be: unaltered by booze and other chemicals; changed by the steps, as I heard would happen; freed from the selfishness that I was convinced was my only means of survival. I would have to surrender even those fears and anxieties. I felt naked and vulnerable at the very thought.

I'm still not quite sure who I am. I took this personality psychology course a little while back, and the research supports something I had suspected -- that who we think we are and who others believe us to be are often vastly different identities. It amuses me at times to hear someone say something about me that I don't associate with myself. Other times, it alarms me a little. Sometimes I learn things about myself in that way. Sometimes, because of bias (positive or negative), others' perceptions are not always accurate. It becomes an exercise in self-honesty to synthesize the inner and the outer and come up with a fair estimate.

I know that today, I can be alone and not miserable. I know that I can sincerely care about the feelings of others - and not just how their feelings will benefit me. I know that I can have an authentic spiritual experience that's not chemically induced. I know that I don't want to die every minute of every day.

There are things about me that I don't like. I can slip into impatience with others. I can be judgmental. Though my life is very busy and I commit to a lot, I can be lazy given half a chance (and a Law & Order marathon!). I can pick up and fondle old resentments. I can be tempted to make excuses when I don't really want to do something. I'm grateful I have a program that helps me work on those things I don't like, and I'm grateful I have a level of acceptance that prevents those things from forming the basis of self-hatred - all over again.

Coming back around to that psych class, what I did learn from it is that who I am is a combination of what I think and feel on the inside (my perception) and my speech, actions, behaviors as witnessed by those around me. Sometimes, either of those perceptions can be skewed, so my faith in and reliance on my HP comes into play. I pray for right perception, then do the best I can with the information available.

In closing - the "me" that I am today, with all my faults and imperfections, is much preferable to the "me" that I feared letting go of.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[ananda]

the first time I got sober, I had no idea who i was and later in sobriety thought I had "found me". I did drink again, and am now back. I can see clearly that I have a hard time letting go of who I was yesterday and letting myself simply be who I am today and accept that who I am changes constantly and that I don't have to be the same from moment to moment. I have this problem just as much with the things I like about "who I am" as the things I don't like.

So for me sobriety has become a journey of exploring who I am from moment to moment, ever changing.

Thanks for the thoughts you guys!

[bigredme]

nandm...
Thanks for writing this. I went through the same thing and I needed to read this (because it's SO EASY to forget...and slide).
Blessings for you and your new discoveries of self...

[Tazman53]

Great topic!

Chameleon, sounds like a common denominator. Before I started drinking at about 11 or 12 I was a loud boisterous kid on the outside and really had an inferiority complex on the inside.

When I started drinking the inferiority complex was still there, but every time I drank it dissappeared!

It was all about me for many years, I was a liar and a cheat, expecially with the ladies. With the ladies is where I became quite adept at being a chameleon, I became what ever they sought, I would let them lead a conversation and would adapt to what they sought. I told any lie needed to get what I wanted, the only reason I pleased anyone was if it would benefit me!!!!

If you were of no benefit to me, I had no use for you, no I was not mean to you, but I could really care less if you existed or not, you were kind of like a pimple on my butt, there but I really did not care. Drinking amplified all of this and made it to where I could do what I did best guilt free!

In the final years of my drinking the only things I really cared about were drinking and sex, if it did not lead to that I had no interest in it. The alcohol turned on me and it owned me and I began to feel all of the guilt and remorse for my past, I would simply try and drink it away, sometimes I could, many times I could not. I am thankful I was a self centered drunk and not a mean drunk.

I am still learning who I am, really who I am becoming. The steps helped me to forgive myself for my past and who I was. They allowed me to see my defects and to deal with them.

Today I feel pretty good about myself, I feel I am a part of the world, that I am part of a solution, sadly the old me sneaks in, but I see the old me and put me in check. If I have not put myself in check in time I try to make amends ASAP.

I am still discovering who I am, I am evolving, I like who I am slowly becoming, I am a work in progress and it is all due to being sober and the steps.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Great topic Judith!

I was sorta the female equivalent to Taz.

I'm really grateful that I'm not anymore. I'm seeing alot of changes in myself lately and thats the good thing. I, too, have been conforming since puberty. It's not easy to take on how other folks see you (yes, the good stuff too!)and meld it with how YOU see you..

Awesome posts..thank you!

[Barto]

I think I’ve read somewhere that “the alcoholic very much leads the double life.”

[Tazman53]

Originally Posted by Barto

I think I’ve read somewhere that “the alcoholic very much leads the double life.”

I wonder where you may have read that???? LOL

[Barto]

Hey, I know some of you guys are reading! LOL.

[Tazman53]

Hey, I know some of you guys are reading! LOL.

Once or twice, I use some quotes out of the BB with some of my none AA friends and they think I am a spiritual guru!!! LOL

[Barto]

Originally Posted by Tazman53

Once or twice, I use some quotes out of the BB with some of my none AA friends and they think I am a spiritual guru!!! LOL

Funny how that works, isn’t it?

[Tazman53]

Yes Barto it is, one day I am a drunk, a year and a half later I am some kind of guru!!! LOL In my dreams maybe!

[ImJulie]

Ah, I feel like this thread was just for me!

Im Julie...a momma...a wife...unemployed....wait...who am I?
Im an alcoholic.
Im a drug addict. (Man, I still hate saying that!)
Who am I?

In sobriety Im figuring out that God didnt rip me off in the gift department.
I thought God's gifts were...hmm...maybe being given a great singing voice or the ability to write bestselling books. Maybe it was doctors who performed life saving surgery.

My gifts are compassion and kindness.
Just for today I am Julie, a kind and compassionate person.
More gifts to follow....