Dating a Recovering Alcoholic--Need Recovering Alcocholics Advice!

[NeedingAdvice]

Hi, this is my first post and I am posting cuz I have been struggling in my relationship with a recovering alcoholic and I need insight from the alcoholics point of view. My bf has been sober over 7 years and is a relatively young alcoholic (mid-20s) and I have been with him for over a year and half.

Now we have had our set of problems like any other couple but recently it has become apparent to me that our ways of communicating are drastically different. I need to discuss problems when they happen and am a big "feeler" meaning I have a lot of feelings and am very perceptive to my feelings. I am thin-skined to say the least and am easily offended and have a bit of a lack of confidence (not like I have a confidence issue but like I take things my bf says very emotionally). Anyways he always tells me I may a big deal out of nothing cuz I get offended very easily and overly emotional. His response to me when he believes I am creating problems over something that does not need a problem is to stonewall, shut down, become distant, take space/leave the problem, and not engage in fighting. Also he tells me I push him to talk and he gets angry by the fact that I push him. I try to get him to talk about his feelings but it takes him days to get to that point if I push him, weeks if not.

If this a typical response of a recovering alcoholic response? Is stonewalling, getting distant, taking a large amount of time and space normal? Am I doing something wrong? I feel like after a year and a half my bf is a mystery. I am seriously upset by this. I have tried to talk to him about it but he just claims that I make life or death situations out of the little things. I feel that I can't communicate with him sometimes and that we don't see eye to eye. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster recently. Help!

[Pinkcuda]

Sounds to me like you're describing the difference between Men and Women in general.

[Signal30]

If you are in a relationship with this person, I suggest going to Al-anon. Offer to go to a open AA meeting with him. Al-anon is meant for those who have family, friends, and loved ones who are alcoholic and recovering alcoholics.

Tom

[Sugah]

You're posting in an AA-related forum, but you don't say if he's a member.

Regardless, I would still suggest, as Tom has, going to Al-anon for yourself.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[nandm]

Originally Posted by Pinkcuda

Sounds to me like you're describing the difference between Men and Women in general.

I tend to disagree with this statement. People are all different. Not all women are emotional and not all men are strong and unfeeling. Personally I find the statement somewhat offensive. But I realize that it was probably not intended that way.

To respond to the question. Regardless of whether someone is an alcoholic or not each of us utilize the communication skills we are taught as we grow up. I was taught that feelings were not something to show or express especially if they could be taken as signs of weakness. I have had to learn how to communicate effectively as an adult. I had to read a lot of books, talk to and listen to people who are good communicators, learn to use I statements rather than you make me statements, learn to take responsiblity for my actions and words, etc.... Personally what you are going through does sound like fairly typical relationship communication difficulties. What you might try is seeking a relationship counselor, reading some effective communication books, try remembering that when someone else is talking especially your bf that many times it doesn't have to do with you (this is a hard one to learn). I have found that many times people don't clearly present their needs and wants but somehow expect the other person to know what they are thinking and just come up with it. Real life doesn't work that way as if mind readers exist I have not run into any yet. Communication is hard work but if the relationship is worth it to you then it is well worth the work. ALANON is an excellent place to learn some good communication skills. Good luck.

[bugsworth]

Needingadvice, I agree with pinkcuda on this one. It just sounds like a difference in communication styles having little or nothing to do with his alcoholism which he seems to have overcome. It can be frustrating I know but I don't think it is something you have done. Best of luck.

[bigredme]

Pinkcuda nailed it. That's a man woman thing and not an alcoholic/normie thing. Eventually, you either find a way to get through to each other or you find someone it's just naturally easier to communicate with for you. Good luck to you guys...I hope you get it worked out if it needs working out...

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Hi!

I too agree that it sounds like differences in communicating. I do believe that there is some way to meet in the middle..

I don't think that he's behaving the way he is because of his alcoholism.

Personally, I think it's a sign of respect towards you that he will not engage in a "fight".

And, by the way, this sounds an awful lot like me and my partner..and neither one of us is a man. (wink, wink, Pink)

[ananda]

I agree it is not about men are from mars/women are from venus----when approached as a basic male/female difference it is as if we are so different and we are more the same than different. It limits my ability to interact effectivly with a whole 1/2 (?) of the human race. My experience has been that both sexes communicate both ways - emotionally, brick wall like, and other ways.

I can't change my friends way of communicating. I focus on how I can be better at communications and try to leave the other to their own path. If their communication or lack of is distructive of my growth or thiers...I may need to look at changing the nature of what my relationship is with that person.

But I do need to communicate this delima to my friend....not leave them in the dark. That is where I so often fail.

I wish you the best in your situation.

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR!

If I want to discuss my feelings..
.I prefer to do so with woman friend.
If I want to show feelings..gender is not revlent.

I also think his recovery is not a factor.

Best wishes for a bright future..

[Tazman53]

Well I am going to roll with the majority here, this has nothing to do with him being in recovery, my first wife who has a drink every time the moon is blue had the communication skills of a brick!