Long Distance Support

[Conez]

Hi thanx for coming to this thread...
hoping to get some advice or opinons...

OK i'm new to recovery and AA, just recently got a sponsor...
as it goes my sponsor has good sobriety, but at this time for family reasons today she told me, she is moving away in 2 weeks... heard mention of this last week and asked, she said it was something that wasn't likely to happen in the next 4months or so.

Anyways i'm not upset, she said that she still wanted to be my sponsor. i feel i want to detach myself so she can concentrate on family obligations.

Unsure of how long distance sponsoring will work out and if its going to be effective at this stage of my sobriety (<1mth)...
I would like to continue with her support but thinking a local sponsor would be more practical....
Still a lil overwhelmed by it all... AA, sponsors, the whole recovery thing...
i'm confused... just trying to stay sober for a day at a time.

[Tazman53]

conez, many newcomers, myself included walk into the rooms with no real idea of what a sponsor is or isn't.

A sponsor's primary purpose is to help the new person through the steps, that is really it, however in early recovery a sponsor also gives the newcomer guidance by giving some basic suggestions to help the newcomer in their early sobriety. They do this by sharing what they did to stay sober and how they maintain thier own sobriety.

A sponsor is not your boss or your friend. There are no rules in AA, as a result if you decide to change sponsors or the sponsor decides they do not want to be your sponsor any more that is just fine.

Okay now in regards to your concerns, that decision is totally up to you. If I was in your place, I would keep the sponsor who is moving, but let them know that I would be more comfortable with a local sponsor. HONESTY!!!!! There is nothing in the world wrong with you having her as a sponsor while you look for another one, she may even help you look for one. There is also if you want to nothing that says she could not be your secondary sponsor after she moves.

In a nutshell do what is best for you and your program, be open and honest about it with her.

[barb dwyer]

Conez -

You're on the right track -
just keep praying about it -
and the answer will come when it's the perfect time to.

[Conez]

Hey thanx
Barb, i have not as yet prayed. i haven't done in a long time (since childhood really)
i sorta got this message in a daily reflection and sharing held in todays women's meeting. it touched on patience and this perfect time to, u mention.
i cannot site or reference this book cause i don't own it... think its called "women in recovery" in a daily reflection format.
Anyways the prayer thing... its a stumbling block.
thanx for the imput, sure i'll get to what i meant to in due time?

[Tazman53]

Conez in order to pray one does not need to beleive in anything, simply pray and then listen. Ask for nothing more then guidance, the strength to not drink, and the ability to be able to tell the next right thing to do and the strength to do it.

To pray takes no beleif........ but prayer will lead to belief in something greater then yourself. Call it what ever you wish, just know that it is something greater then you.

[ananda]

The right answer will come to you!

Thanks Taz....when I got sober in 85 the "trend" was that everyone had 2 sponsors...one with a couple of years and one with more. I guess alot of people use "grand sponsors" that way now....not my thing, but it works for a lot of people.

I currently have one sponsor because that is the norm around here. But, we had a woman who's sponsor got demintia. She didn't want to tell her she wasn't her sponsor, but needed more support. I suggested a second sponsor....but that just doesn't fly around here. So she had to tell her sponsor with deminsia that she was getting a new sponsor. Seemed like an unskillful way to deal with that....but they are both still sober.

So I know I'm whining...but my point is that I have had LD sponsors and local and I would be content having 2, one LD, one local....but if I felt I had to choose I would chose to have a local as I can't slip into deciept (of my self first) so easily when I'm having face to face contact etc.

You'll be fine whatever you choose Conz...you're putting proper thought into it along with "prayer".

[Music]

Originally Posted by Conez

Hi thanx for coming to this thread...
hoping to get some advice or opinons...

OK i'm new to recovery and AA, just recently got a sponsor...
as it goes my sponsor has good sobriety, but at this time for family reasons today she told me, she is moving away in 2 weeks... heard mention of this last week and asked, she said it was something that wasn't likely to happen in the next 4months or so.

Anyways i'm not upset, she said that she still wanted to be my sponsor. i feel i want to detach myself so she can concentrate on family obligations.

Unsure of how long distance sponsoring will work out and if its going to be effective at this stage of my sobriety (<1mth)...
I would like to continue with her support but thinking a local sponsor would be more practical....
Still a lil overwhelmed by it all... AA, sponsors, the whole recovery thing...
i'm confused... just trying to stay sober for a day at a time.

Talk to your sponsor, pray about it and all will work out. Actually, your sponsor can be a big help in finding you a new sponsor when/if she does leave.

[Signal30]

I assume she will be back and I assume you both have phones. Call her everyday. If you are going to do step work within those two weeks an idea might be to read a section of the BB on the step you are on, and write a paragraph on what you learned from it. This can all be done by e-mail.

That's what I would of do if I was out of town for a while and step work needed to be done with my sponsee. All sponsors work with their sponsees differently.


Tom

[ananda]

Well - I may have been confused, I thought you meant moving for good.

[Conez]

yes my sponsor is moving for good... and we both have phones... thanks for that feedback Tom its very useful.

we both like to remain doing the steps together so we'll see how the LD thing goes

Originally Posted by ananda

my point is that I have had LD sponsors and local and I would be content having 2, one LD, one local....but if I felt I had to choose I would chose to have a local as I can't slip into deciept (of my self first) so easily when I'm having face to face contact etc.

You'll be fine whatever you choose Conz...you're putting proper thought into it along with "prayer".

ok point taken. thank u... this is where i have concerns being so early in sobriety, that it may be more effective to have a local (face to face/nothing to hide) sponsor. also the practical support of accompanying me to meetings and welcoming me into the fellowship gives me security.
not saying that i'm dependant on that from my sponsor. its just hard coming into these rooms when everyone knows everyones story.... its hard to explain...
example... i've met some wonderful people thru AA, as a newcomer i find it hard to know who i should be around or talking to... i have collected several numbers not rung one... then i'm made aware to be cautious around certain "unwell" members and that i should stick with those who have good sobriety....

don't think i'm the best judge of that at the moment...

i seen this familiar looking lady for the first time at todays meeting who offered her number, she was open and honest with me that she was resident at the local mental hospital.... she was nice n seem to be ok but i don't know her story or could place why she seemed familiar
until the penny dropped n hr or so ago, where i'd seen her before?
We had a drunken arguement outside my home, mths ago, we were both drunk... she was some drunken loud mouth sticking her nose in as she stumbled down my street.... shocked n not so impressed, i told her to shut-up n p*ss off.... she ran screaming down the street to not be seen again until today...
good thing i remembered now, i'm not relying on being a good judge of character or the fact that i have no idea who has good sobriety an who doesnt?!

back on track with the sponsor thing... it helps to have her at some of the same meetings, so i can hear her share and vise versa, as it does have its differences sharing one on one as to being in group.
depending on the reflection or topics, meetings seem to bring thoughts thru at different times, its helpful to have her there to be a part of that... with follow thru after meeting "simplifying it for the idiot" explaining the things i heard in the room and the silly questions i ask to try grasp all this.

sorry for the rant, i'm trying to settle in my indecisive thought of this issue.
not making any firm decisions now.... see how the next few wks go n not try prempt things too much. one day at a time

[Tazman53]

Conez sounds like you are doing the right thing, she doesn't move for a while, this gives you more time sober, more time to gain better contact with your HP. There is not a rush. Heck talk with your sponsr and let yhem know your concerns, the more open and honest you are with them the more open and honest they will be with you.

[Conez]

Tazman53, from ur first post on this thread to this last one...
ur adivice/imput is very grounded n sensible.
i must say this with all ur posts, ur support it's of great value to me (even tho ur an online entity, lol)
i'm grateful for the time u personally have taken over the few wks i've been here @SR to place urself in my way, with these pearls of wonderful thought and unmeasurable support. Thank you.

P.S being open and honest suits me fine. (got that straight up, followed suit with ur 1st post before even reading it! so, commonsense prevails! )

[NoelleR]

Hey conez ---

You got lots of good stuff here.....and lots of suggestions and definitions as to what to expect from a sponsor (long distance or not)....

For me, I'd probably keep the person who's moving away, but I'd also add a sponsor close-by.....

My biggest suggestion, though, would be to get the AA pamphlet on sponsorship: Questions & Answers on sponsorship.....it's really good...Funny thing though; although most folks will tell you that a sponsor is to 'take the newcomer through the steps,' that's one thing that is NOT in the pamphlet (pages 14-15 of the pamphlet lists What does a sponsor do.....? it's a very good list, and the only one thing mentioning steps is....:Goes over the meaning of the Twelve Steps, and emphasizes their importance.

Now, back to the question of the long distance sponsor.....she sounds like a good person to have on your side, even from a distance.....but a neighborhoos support/sponsor is invaluable..... (o:


NoelleR

P.S. You can go to the AA website....: Alcoholics Anonymous ; click on services for members; click on 'questions and answers on sponsorship' from the list on the left side of the screen; and finally click on the 'questions and answers on sponsorship' pamphlet facsimile and poof....! you can read it online...... (o:

[Conez]

got that pamphlet u mention, will take a look at pg14/15 just to clarify it for myself again.
i will be keeping my current sponsor even tho we only just started and she's moving soon... we just need to change the routine is all.
for my support locally i will probably look to a few (mainly those i'm familiar with in the womens group, also thinkin to make this my home group) rather than having a 2nd sponsor... anyways no hard and fast decision on that... one day at a time!- we'll see how things go.

[barb dwyer]

Thanks for the reply Conez -

You know... for years I thought I was meditating.
Sometimes - I thought I was drawing.
Often it was painting.

Turns out - I was praying.
You'll find your own way of doing that.
It'll sneak up on ya!

The book
(I think youy were talking about the same book)
was 'Daily Meditaitons for Women'...
that's one of my own daily P&M books.

I like it that you're finding your own way,
as guided to do.

[collinsmi]

What about your sponsor's sponsor Conez? That's where she learned what she's passing on to you.

[Conez]

^^^thanx for ur opinion Col.... i have been thinkin about my sponsors sponsor too.

not going to put that option aside just yet, just see what the next few wks brings.

yes my sponsor's sponsor is local and in the womens group i attend... she's scary tho.
lol, its in a good way... she really enjoys 12step work and takes sponsorship to the extreme (from what i'm aware).

i've got many ph numbers from women in this group with good sobriety... gona build a support network within that group and use their guidence and that of my current sponsor thru whateva means (ph, email) to get thru the bigbook n 12steps.

i don't know if this is the best option, so i'm gona just see what happens... one day at a time.

[Tazman53]

yes my sponsor's sponsor is local and in the womens group i attend... she's scary tho.
lol, its in a good way... she really enjoys 12step work and takes sponsorship to the extreme (from what i'm aware).

The guy who is now my sponsor scares the caca out of some folks, he is hard core old school AA, according to him if it is not in the BB, it is not program!!! When I asked someone what type of sponsor he was, they looked at me and said "You better be into the BB if you want him as your sponsor!". Well for some reason I was in tune with my HP enough to know that I needed someone who pulled no punches with me, I have a very thick skull and things need to be beat in it with a 2X4 and he was the man for the job!

We are all different, we all need a certain type of sponsor in the beginning of our sobriety, some folks are like me and need someone who cuts us no slack and tells us when we need to pull our head out of our butt and stop making a simple program hard by reading inbetween the lines, some folks need a more patient approach. That is why there is no sponsor just like any other sponsor, and also why a sponsor may not sponsor people just like their sponsor sponsored them.

The one thing all good sponsors have in common though is when they take you through the steps the first time it will be straight out of the BB and they will be in order.

Do not let anyone scare you as far as being a potential sponsor, take some time and watch them, are they walking the walk and not just talking the talk? Do they have a life outside of AA? Do they have what you want?

If they have what you want then it makes sense to follow the path they took to get it!

[Signal30]

I can't and will not tell you what you should do. Everyone is different.

If my sponsor moved away permanently, I would still consider him my sponsor. However I would have to have a sponsor that I can talk to face to face. I consider my sponsor a close friend, if he moved away it would suck, however I would still call him and ask him for advice if I needed it. I would also get a sponsor locally to continue step work and continue to take care of business.

But then again that's what I would do. I'm not saying you or anyone else should do it.


Tom

[ananda]

Signal - you are me!

[Conez]

well, something interesting has happened...

think my sponsor has already started to give up on me
(maybe, i'm thinking too much)

i spoke to her on the ph the other night about my concerns... i was honest and open.
i know she has alot on her plate and in a nice way said i didn't want her to feel obligated at this time (family issues, home business, young child, moving away) to me... while i said i was still happy for her to be my sponsor. she gave me assurances that she has to make this time to sponsor me. that it's to help my recovery and as it gives balance in her hectic life. ok, so the ph call ended with us remainin in this partnership.

Anyways altho i felt drawn to ask this person to be my sponsor only recently (topic of my pervious thread)
i have no idea how it works- i'm a sick alcoholic. to grasp this, i read/post @SR, get to meetings and go with this sponsorship thing...

From the start of asking this person sponsoring me... i would agree to give her the reins on giving me guidence through the AA program... and the 12steps.
Some direction to follow....
now i understand my sponsor shares their experiences and what worked for them in way of guidence to the newcomer.

I still don't exactly get this concept of sponsorship... but i wouldn't consider mine to be very active (this where i think she's got a lot on her plate, and hasn't got the energy there to focus on this)

she leant me "living sober" told me to take a look, said to her it was hard for me to pick up the phone and to make it to meetings... she said that was ok that she would call and also help me make it to meetings.

At this time another member gave me the bigbook, and i was keen to get started, so i got my sponsor....

there hasn't been any daily regime of contact , regular bigbook study failed after the first week.

my sponsor has helped me make it to meetings that she attends... when going out on my own to make one meeting a day, i'd been unsuccessful (showed up at the door, then left) i was honest about this with her.

her personal experience, was talking to her sponsor daily and a meeting a day when first getting sober... so i know, this is where she thinks i should be at and doing to keep sober (4wks today).

Ok, so i don't hear from my sponsor.... see her at a meeting... she tell's me she's leaving in 2wks and not to be upset.
stops after meeting to say she'll call at certain time to read over the ph... didn't work out...
see her at tonights meeting...
she was surprised when i walked in...
i was surprised- she was surprised, coz i'd mentioned i'd made it to this meeting without her last wk and altho i was dubious about going again she enocouraged me to go...

now seeing her there has made me feel a lil rejected/resentful...
she knows i've struggled this wk to make it to meetings coz i've been ill, she hasn't rung and offered her support in attending this meeting with me... which i thought was odd, she did encourage me to attend again a 2nd time.. it wasn't a problem to car pool (she lives around the corner) to meetings she attended last wk, before she was definate of moving.

so after tonight... i think,
is my sponsor giving me effective guidence?
altho she has too much on her plate... from what i can see action/words don't seem to be committed to this idea of sponsorship... or have i got it all wrong?
why is it i got this idea she's giving up on me?

its a lil bit of a ramble on, sorry SR friends :ghug
after going through this thread trying to make my mind up on this sponsor dilema... what gone on tonight in my perception.... i feel like giving up.

[ananda]

Oh Conez!

Please just hang in there and give this some time. If you read through a bunch of the threads, you will probably notice that there are many different types of sponsors that people talk about. I am not much of a believer in the "me" stuff, but in the end I have found that if I do my best each day to follow my understaning of the steps and the program, and I meditate daily, I have an extremely good chance of staying sober. In this one respect, it really is about me....I ultimately have to make a decision about what this stuff means....and be open to it changing (that's important).

You are in my thoughts.

[lilbit]

Hey...I don't hang out too long in the 12 step area...kinda freaks me out....just wanted to say HI! From the good old USA and STAY SOBER just for today. Hang in there kitty...it's gonna be a bumpy ride!
LOVE YA!
The Bitz

[Conez]

Originally Posted by lilbit

Hey...I don't hang out too long in the 12 step area...kinda freaks me out....just wanted to say HI! From the good old USA and STAY SOBER just for today. Hang in there kitty...it's gonna be a bumpy ride!
LOVE YA!
The Bitz

LOL hehe:rof thanx

[Tazman53]

Conez confusion is very common early in sobriety, pray on this whole matter, get to as many meetings as you can, talk to other women, if you find a lady you are comfortable talking to about this sponsorship deal do so.

think my sponsor has already started to give up on me
(maybe, i'm thinking too much)

LOL You sound a lot like me, I always try and see things that are not really there, I take very simple statements and try and make them complex.

Keep it simple, that helped me a lot, I found things came easier when I kept things simple and didn't try to read between the lines. I also try to not project what is going to happen, I have found that when I project an outcome I am setting myself up for a let down.

Try slowing down just a bit, let your HP take you where He/She may, worry less and do more. Go to as many meetings as you can, talk to other ladies and let them know what is up, I can assure you that you are not alone in the sponsor confusion department in early sobriety.