Uncertainties in sobriety - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

tkdan · 04-17-2008, 10:22 AM

I have been going through some tough times. To start with I'm pretty sure things are over with me and my sponsor. He got into a confrontation with someone in the group and has not been back in two weeks. After he missed the first time that we were supposed to meet for step work I called him. He apologized for not making it and he told me he would definately be there the next appointed time. After he was a no show I called him again and he apoligized and said we would he would be there the next time. He did not show and I did not call, nor has he called as a courtesy to let me know he was not going to make it or to check on me or nothing. I feel like without being able to trust him to keep his word I can not have the trust in him I need to continue going through the steps with him.
This has been so frustrating. I've been slipping into that alocoholic way of thinking more and more lately. My life can be stressful enough without something like this going on. I know that I'm ultimately responsible for my sobriety and I can not use this as a reason to slip. I'm just not having a good quality sobriety lately. I keep telling myself I've come too far to do something stupid now.
I've only discussed this with my wife. While she is very supportive she can not relate very well. She just tells me maybe I should find another sponsor.
I have to trust that through my HP things will work out. It is hard. I have been focusing on the negative much more than I should.
Sorry to go on and on but I needed to get it out. I can always depend on the folks here for support and advice.
This situation does not change my faith in the program. I know AA is my best path to a lasting and quality sobriety. I don't expect everything to be perfect I just expect the good to outweigh the bad and it hasn't lately.

REZ · 04-17-2008, 10:28 AM

Sorry this is happening. Yes, you should find another sponsor. He behavior is irresponsible and inconsiderate. You need someone who you can depend on a bit more now. No one is perfect, but there are some standards. It sounds like your sponsor is having some trouble too, now. Pray for him too.

Tazman53 · 04-17-2008, 10:43 AM

As Rez said, pray for him and then take care of your self and get another sponsor. Keep in mind that the guy who fell down on his commitment to you is a person and not AA.

It would not hurt to grab an old timer and talk to him about this, no need dragging the guys name into it, just let them know what is up, someone will step up to the plate and help you find a new sponsor.

My first sponsor was not unreliable, but he was unavailable most of the time except over the phone. As a result I switched sponsors with his blessings. Find another sponsor and call the old one and let him know, he should understand, if he gets POed tell him to call his sponsor!! LOL

GlassPrisoner · 04-17-2008, 11:12 AM

Quote:

I've only discussed this with my wife. While she is very supportive she can not relate very well. She just tells me maybe I should find another sponsor.

Even though normies don't "get us", they can still offer good advice.

I'd be looking for a new sponsor.

warrens · 04-17-2008, 11:23 AM

Sonsors are just people. As long as people are involved stuff will happen, sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes unpredictable.

I agree with the above with the addition of calling your sponsor and letting him know what and why and thanks. He's an alcoholic-he'll understand.

warrren

sugErspun · 04-17-2008, 11:39 AM

No human power - right? Right?

I have been asking myself the same Dan, seriously. I don't talk to my sponsor much really at all anymore - there are other people I would rather talk about a 10th step with and just get along better with at a personal level. He took me through the steps - he was very precise and knew what he was talking about...as much as I would have liked to build a friendship with him and have him be concerned with me, it just isn't going to happen by my forcing it.

Last night, I saw him at our home group for the first time in a couple of months (I have spoken to him on the phone a couple times during this period) - but I realized talking to him, that his work with me is done. We aren't much more than acquaintances now - such is life, I saw some resentment creeping up and called someone to talk about it, the potential resentment was diffused. - Pretty practical stuff.

That being said (sorry for my rant) - if you are in the middle of step work and your sponsor isn't around and not showing, calling. I would say it's time to get someone else and finish up this step work. He's human, no human power will relieve our alcoholism.

right?

Sheryl85 · 04-17-2008, 12:04 PM

...you've been given some pretty good and practical advice here. I think that this is showing just how much you have grown. I know you are a bit frustrated, but I'm proud of the fact you haven't let it get you to throw in the towel. As a friend of mine puts it, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear..."

Start looking around you because he's out there somewhere!

GlassPrisoner · 04-17-2008, 01:29 PM

Quote:

He took me through the steps - he was very precise and knew what he was talking about...

Not to be too pragmatic here, but that's the sponsors job. We sometimes become friends and form long lasting relationships, but my job as a sposor is to take my guys through the steps.

sugErspun · 04-17-2008, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner

Not to be too pragmatic here, but that's the sponsors job. We sometimes become friends and form long lasting relationships, but my job as a sposor is to take my guys through the steps.

I realize that. What I was sharing was my recent, relevant experience.

Still human here...

***Freedom1990*** · 04-17-2008, 01:53 PM

Lots of good advice given here already. I am a firm believe that God puts people in our lives just when we need them.

It does sound like your sponsor is struggling with things, and it certainly can't hurt to offer a prayer or two for him.

This is a program of action. People come and go in our lives. I've had one sponsor pass away with many years of sobriety, two moved far away and we lost touch, and one let a resentment with another AA member keep her away from meetings for over 7 years now. That is her choice.

There's always been another person available for me to be my sponsor when these things have happened. The thing is, I had to ask. I must do the footwork.

barb dwyer · 04-18-2008, 02:38 AM

my vote is for a new sponsor so you can keep moving -
maybe even call it a 'temp new' sponsor - LOL

but I can't help feel the tug that maybe keeping in touch with the other sponsor ...

HE may need YOU right now.

Tazman53 · 04-18-2008, 03:34 AM

Quote:

but I can't help feel the tug that maybe keeping in touch with the other sponsor ...

HE may need YOU right now.

barb brings up somoething that may be true, sponsors have issues to, sometimes a sponsee can be far more help to them then a sponsee will ever know.

I am not saying that another sponsor may not be a bad idea, but I would not shun the man, he may be at a point in time where he just needs you to be there.

tkdan · 04-18-2008, 06:07 AM

Thanks for te replies. Some of you have mentioned praying for him. Sad to say that is the last thing that came to mind. It is easy to start thinking poor, poor me and forget others have struggles too.

Quote:

but I can't help feel the tug that maybe keeping in touch with the other sponsor ...

HE may need YOU right now.

Quote:

but I would not shun the man, he may be at a point in time where he just needs you to be there.

I would not do this. I really like him as a person. This is what makes things difficult. I see this as a delicate situation. I need to end the relationship of sponsor, sponsee but I do not want to cause harm or pain to him. I guess what it comes down to is I have to do what is best for my sobriety. I think this is the one area I can not afford not to be selfish. I've always went out of my way (while sober) to protect the feelings of others. Anyway thanks for being here for me. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

Tazman53 · 04-18-2008, 06:36 AM

Dan sounds to me like you are keeping your sobriety your number one priority, as long as you keep doing that you are doing okay. Yes it is a delicate situation, pray on it, it will work out in the long run.

Music · 04-18-2008, 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tkdan

While she is very supportive she can not relate very well. She just tells me maybe I should find another sponsor.

My very first sponsor had personal problems shortly after taking me on. I called and he either didn't answer, or told me he'd call me back. Like you, he never did. I figured out that if someone really wants to do something they say they'll do, they do it. If they don't really mean what they say, they just passify rather than say "no." It's the people pleasing in us. I saw my sponsor at a meeting and told him I needed someone who'd be available, and immediately got another sponsor that same night. Your wife is right on here. Thank her for her support and get another sponsor...... today.

namelessone · 04-20-2008, 11:22 AM

Sounds like he is going through some serious crap, have you tried to call him simply to ask how "he" was? He may be much more receptive.

04-17-2008, 10:22 AM	#1 (permalink)
tkdan Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: TX Posts: 529	Uncertainties in sobriety I have been going through some tough times. To start with I'm pretty sure things are over with me and my sponsor. He got into a confrontation with someone in the group and has not been back in two weeks. After he missed the first time that we were supposed to meet for step work I called him. He apologized for not making it and he told me he would definately be there the next appointed time. After he was a no show I called him again and he apoligized and said we would he would be there the next time. He did not show and I did not call, nor has he called as a courtesy to let me know he was not going to make it or to check on me or nothing. I feel like without being able to trust him to keep his word I can not have the trust in him I need to continue going through the steps with him. This has been so frustrating. I've been slipping into that alocoholic way of thinking more and more lately. My life can be stressful enough without something like this going on. I know that I'm ultimately responsible for my sobriety and I can not use this as a reason to slip. I'm just not having a good quality sobriety lately. I keep telling myself I've come too far to do something stupid now. I've only discussed this with my wife. While she is very supportive she can not relate very well. She just tells me maybe I should find another sponsor. I have to trust that through my HP things will work out. It is hard. I have been focusing on the negative much more than I should. Sorry to go on and on but I needed to get it out. I can always depend on the folks here for support and advice. This situation does not change my faith in the program. I know AA is my best path to a lasting and quality sobriety. I don't expect everything to be perfect I just expect the good to outweigh the bad and it hasn't lately. __________________ Life is too short to be waisted! Life is best lived in the present moment! Sobriety Date: 11/16/08

04-17-2008, 10:43 AM	#3 (permalink)
Tazman53 Follow Directions! Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Fredericksburg, Va. Posts: 9,745	As Rez said, pray for him and then take care of your self and get another sponsor. Keep in mind that the guy who fell down on his commitment to you is a person and not AA. It would not hurt to grab an old timer and talk to him about this, no need dragging the guys name into it, just let them know what is up, someone will step up to the plate and help you find a new sponsor. My first sponsor was not unreliable, but he was unavailable most of the time except over the phone. As a result I switched sponsors with his blessings. Find another sponsor and call the old one and let him know, he should understand, if he gets POed tell him to call his sponsor!! LOL __________________ All BB quotes are from the First Edition of the BB Follow directions! Sobriety date 18 Sept. 2006 Sober today thanks to AA

04-17-2008, 11:39 AM	#6 (permalink)
sugErspun Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 1,694	No human power - right? Right? I have been asking myself the same Dan, seriously. I don't talk to my sponsor much really at all anymore - there are other people I would rather talk about a 10th step with and just get along better with at a personal level. He took me through the steps - he was very precise and knew what he was talking about...as much as I would have liked to build a friendship with him and have him be concerned with me, it just isn't going to happen by my forcing it. Last night, I saw him at our home group for the first time in a couple of months (I have spoken to him on the phone a couple times during this period) - but I realized talking to him, that his work with me is done. We aren't much more than acquaintances now - such is life, I saw some resentment creeping up and called someone to talk about it, the potential resentment was diffused. - Pretty practical stuff. That being said (sorry for my rant) - if you are in the middle of step work and your sponsor isn't around and not showing, calling. I would say it's time to get someone else and finish up this step work. He's human, no human power will relieve our alcoholism. right? __________________ "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." - Soren Kierkegaard

04-17-2008, 12:04 PM	#7 (permalink)
Sheryl85 '55 Classic Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Waco, TX Posts: 630	...you've been given some pretty good and practical advice here. I think that this is showing just how much you have grown. I know you are a bit frustrated, but I'm proud of the fact you haven't let it get you to throw in the towel. As a friend of mine puts it, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear..." Start looking around you because he's out there somewhere! __________________ "Temper is a quality that at a critical moment brings out the best in steel and worst in people." - William Grohse NOTE: All Big Book quotes are from the First Edition of the Big Book

04-17-2008, 01:53 PM	#10 (permalink)
*Freedom1990* Wesley Employee Extraordinaire Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Kansas Posts: 9,340	Lots of good advice given here already. I am a firm believe that God puts people in our lives just when we need them. It does sound like your sponsor is struggling with things, and it certainly can't hurt to offer a prayer or two for him. This is a program of action. People come and go in our lives. I've had one sponsor pass away with many years of sobriety, two moved far away and we lost touch, and one let a resentment with another AA member keep her away from meetings for over 7 years now. That is her choice. There's always been another person available for me to be my sponsor when these things have happened. The thing is, I had to ask. I must do the footwork. __________________ DeVon & the Zoo Crew ‎Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. ~Arthur Somers Roche

04-17-2008, 10:28 AM	#2 (permalink)
REZ Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Chapel Hill, NC Posts: 2,274	Sorry this is happening. Yes, you should find another sponsor. He behavior is irresponsible and inconsiderate. You need someone who you can depend on a bit more now. No one is perfect, but there are some standards. It sounds like your sponsor is having some trouble too, now. Pray for him too.

04-17-2008, 11:23 AM	#5 (permalink)
warrens Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: 49 degrees north Posts: 885	Sonsors are just people. As long as people are involved stuff will happen, sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes unpredictable. I agree with the above with the addition of calling your sponsor and letting him know what and why and thanks. He's an alcoholic-he'll understand. warrren

04-18-2008, 02:38 AM	#11 (permalink)
barb dwyer same planet...different world Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: butte mt Posts: 10,933 Blog Entries: 7	my vote is for a new sponsor so you can keep moving - maybe even call it a 'temp new' sponsor - LOL but I can't help feel the tug that maybe keeping in touch with the other sponsor ... HE may need YOU right now. __________________ Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in fruit salad.

04-18-2008, 06:36 AM	#14 (permalink)
Tazman53 Follow Directions! Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Fredericksburg, Va. Posts: 9,745	Dan sounds to me like you are keeping your sobriety your number one priority, as long as you keep doing that you are doing okay. Yes it is a delicate situation, pray on it, it will work out in the long run. __________________ All BB quotes are from the First Edition of the BB Follow directions! Sobriety date 18 Sept. 2006 Sober today thanks to AA

04-20-2008, 11:22 AM	#16 (permalink)
namelessone Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 15	Sounds like he is going through some serious crap, have you tried to call him simply to ask how "he" was? He may be much more receptive.

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