How do you choose a sponsor?

[1is2Many]

Hi,
I'm almost 2 weeks sober (12 days to be specific).
I have found a good home group. Its close to my house, lots of people, and a good bit of talk about the Big Book.
I realize I need to get a sponsor and get going on the Steps.
My problem is I don't know how to identify a good sponsor. I just want someone that has time to work with me, works the program himself, and is a fairly happy human being.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Music]

First off, Easy Does It!! Slow down. How many people do you know after two weeks? Of the people you know, how many of them do you know well enough at this point to be able to fit them into your idea of what a sponsor should be? For now, just keep going to your meetings(plural), which means not just your home group, but find a couple more to go to and listen. Ask questions about what other people look for in a sponsor and listen to what people say at meetings, and pray for guidance. Your HP will guide you to your sponsor in time, but be patient. Get some phone numbers and call people daily, just to say "hi" and let them know you're there and new in the program. You'll get your answers but for now, just don't drink.

[collinsmi]

Hard to know, like picking a teacher for a subject you know little about (yet). A prayer helped me, I didn't know what to look for but I wound up with a good one. Tried looking at a closed big book or step study meeting? People who go to those generally are serious about the steps and that's what your looking for.

You seem to have a good attitude, but that alone won't keep an alky sober!

[1is2Many]

1st thanks for the suggestions.

Whats confusing for me as a new person, is that I hear so much conflicting information. I person will say "You need to get a sponsor and work the 12 steps in one day", another person says "Work one step for a month(or more), and don't rush into finding a sponsor".

I really want, need, have to, stay sober. I'm ready to run around the Clubhouse in a Monkey costume if that keeps me from drinking. I am scared to fall back into that time machine, and that hell of an existance. I've fought through 2 days of cravings that I barely fought off. I'm afraid I won't be strong enough when the next cravings on me.

I'm rambling now, but I just want to make a moving target for my disease.

[bugsworth]

1is2many, I found this when I first went to aa...I hope it helps.

Your First AA Meeting
An Unofficial Guide For the Perplexed
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.


Sponsors and sponsorship.

There is an official AA pamphlet on sponsorship that is usually available in the literature collection of most AA meetings. It may also be requested from the local AA Central Office.

Virtually all AA meetings and members recommend that newcomers obtain an AA sponsor relatively early in their recovery. As with everything else in AA, there are no official rules or regulations about sponsors and sponsorship. The basic idea is to acquire a mentor or "Big Brother" or Sister who is willing and able to guide the neophyte as his recovery progresses. Same-sex sponsors are generally encouraged except under unusual circumstances. The suggestion that newcomers have a sponsor is, like everything else in AA, just that, a suggestion. There is no requirement that anyone have a sponsor, and no one checks to see whether anyone else does.

The usual advice is to look for a sponsor "who has what you want," i.e. who appears to be sober and emotionally balanced and who displays the kinds of beliefs and behaviors that one wishes to emulate and from whom one hopes to learn something of value not only about recovery, but even about life itself. Because of the agitated and anxious emotional state of many AA newcomers, it may not be easy to make such determinations until a number of meetings have gone by and the emotional dust has begun to settle a bit. There is no real requirement to "get a sponsor at any cost," so it is permissible and probably better to take one's time and look around a bit before actually selecting someone to ask. This selection is usually done on the basis of observing and listening to the potential sponsor speak during meetings and perhaps noting their interactions with others before and after as well as during the meetings.

Some meetings include in their "readings"(the formalized way in which the meeting is opened or closed) the invitation for anyone desiring a temporary sponsor to contact a particular individual immediately after the meeting. The suggestion is often made to newcomers to seek a temporary rather than a long term sponsor just to get started in the program. Like so-called temporary employment, many but not all of these relationships will mature into lasting ones. Calling them "temporary" merely makes it easier for both parties to retire from them if for any reason they desire to do so.

Sponsorship is a highly individual matter with no fixed rules or regulations. The style and content of the "mentoring" vary tremendously from sponsor to sponsor. Some sponsors have a fairly structured approach with specific suggestions and even "assignments" for those who ask them to sponsor them. They may ask their "sponsees" to call them every day for a while just to get in the habit of using the telephone, or they may assign specific parts of the Big Book or other official AA literature to be read and discussed with them. Sponsors and sponsees often meet before or after the meeting for coffee or meals in order to get to know each other and discuss recovery. Whatever the individual style of a particular sponsor, it is always understood that the sponsee is free and in fact morally obliged to call his sponsor any time he is in trouble or about to drink.

Sponsors and sponsees are absolutely free at any time to terminate their relationship if it is not satisfactory to either of them.


Best of Luck!

[CarolD]

There is an official AA pamphlet on sponsorship that is usually available in the literature collection of most AA meetings. It may also be requested from the local AA Central Office.

It's titled ....
"Questions and answers on Sponsorship"

I find it immensley helpful to read it
with my sponsees. Then we both know
what to expect from sponsorship.

Congratulations on your sober time

[FightingIrish]

Welcome and congrats on your time! I am at 7 months here and was also confused by the many (unsolicited) opinions I got about how to work my program, and also confused about why so many people were concerned about how I or others work our programs.

What I was told is to find someone who seems to have what I want and then ask them to work with me on the steps. I was also told that the only results I am responsible for judging are my own.

Congrats again, and good to hear you.

[Barto]

Originally Posted by 1is2Many

… I just want someone that has time to work with me, works the program himself, and is a fairly happy human being…

I think you have the solution in your own post. I’d find someone that meets the above criteria.

Here’s a link the to the aforementioned pamphlet in case you want to read it for yourself (strongly suggested):

Alcoholics Anonymous :

[sugErspun]

This may be a good concern to share at your home group...I think you will find the right person 'rising to the surface'.

[1is2Many]

Originally Posted by sugErspun

This may be a good concern to share at your home group...I think you will find the right person 'rising to the surface'.

I don't think they know its my home group yet. Only like 2 people even know my name. I'm not very approachable right now, I would amagine.
I also don't feel comfortable guiding a meeting.
I just got back from a noon meeting and identified a couple of maybe's.

I wasnt gonna share but they called on me. This really isnt a time in my life I wish to be recognized and called on to speak.
I babbled for a few minutes, and shut up as soon as I thought they would be satisfied with my response. My brain is so foggy right now, its embarrasing.
anyway, thanks for the suggestion.

[Music]

If you read the Big Book, you'll see that the first two steps are the only two you work by yourself. The Book says that the third step should be taken with an understanding person such as........ I know it's hard but when you walk into a meeting, walk up to someone and introduce yourself and start a discussion by letting him know you're new and need help. Just go with whatever happens.

As far as working the steps, there are only two you need to worry about right now and those are steps 1&2. Again, if you read the Big Book you'll notice that once you get into step three, there's no waiting around for a month or even a week. Each step is followed by exact directions as to what to do next and none of those directions say to sit back, relax and pat yourself on the back for the work you've just done. I take my pigeons through the steps in one day. Other sponsors do it differently. For right now just don't drink and go to meetings. The rest will happen but time needs time.

[1is2Many]

Originally Posted by Music

If you read the Big Book, you'll see that the first two steps are the only two you work by yourself. The Book says that the third step should be taken with an understanding person such as........ I know it's hard but when you walk into a meeting, walk up to someone and introduce yourself and start a discussion by letting him know you're new and need help. Just go with whatever happens.

As far as working the steps, there are only two you need to worry about right now and those are steps 1&2. Again, if you read the Big Book you'll notice that once you get into step three, there's no waiting around for a month or even a week. Each step is followed by exact directions as to what to do next and none of those directions say to sit back, relax and pat yourself on the back for the work you've just done. I take my pigeons through the steps in one day. Other sponsors do it differently. For right now just don't drink and go to meetings. The rest will happen but time needs time.

Thats what I would like in a sponsor.

I'm going to a 6pm meeting tonight(if 6 will ever get here!!), and maybe I'll get my courage up and bring up sponsorship as a topic.

[Signal30]

If you don't have a Big Book yet, get one. Talk to fellow members, the more you build a relationship with those in the fellowship, the easier it will be to find a sponsor.

LISTEN at meetings. You can easily tell which members use the steps in their lives by what they say, and how they live. The serene members of AA glow so bright they could signal ships in a foggy harbor!

Some meetings at the beginning will ask members to stand up that are willing to sponsor. How much easier can that be to find a sponsor?

It just kind of happened for me when I found my sponsor. I went up to a member and basically told them I needed help. That member walked me over to a man I now call my sponsor.

It works if you work it. If you put in the work the results will happen. One of those results being that you will find a sponsor.

Tom

[miss communicat]

Originally Posted by Music

If you read the Big Book, you'll see that the first two steps are the only two you work by yourself. The Book says that the third step should be taken with an understanding person such as........ I know it's hard but when you walk into a meeting, walk up to someone and introduce yourself and start a discussion by letting him know you're new and need help. Just go with whatever happens.

As far as working the steps, there are only two you need to worry about right now and those are steps 1&2. Again, if you read the Big Book you'll notice that once you get into step three, there's no waiting around for a month or even a week. Each step is followed by exact directions as to what to do next and none of those directions say to sit back, relax and pat yourself on the back for the work you've just done. I take my pigeons through the steps in one day. Other sponsors do it differently. For right now just don't drink and go to meetings. The rest will happen but time needs time.

yes. this worked for me too

[yogurt75]

I personally wouldn't recommend just picking any old warm body that stand up and says they are available to sponsor. The directions I was given stating that rarely have the founding members seen anyone not succeed if they thoroughly followed their path. The directions state that if you, as the person seeking recovery, want what we (those who have found recovery and are living it) have and that you are willing to go to any lengths to get what those who came before you had, you must take certain steps.

I would personally observe people at the meeting and not only listen to what they say from the podium, for anyone can talk the talk; but observe if they indeed walk the walk. Find someone who has what you want. Not just the amount of time they have but the type of recovery life you desire. It is that person you ask.

The way I was taken through the steps, pretty much the way it was done in AA's early days was to "qualify" or tell my story to my sponsor. This would allow him to get to know me and if indeed I had an honest desire to stop drinking. It would also allow me to understand the true nature of my powerlessness over alcohol and that indeed my life had become unmanageable. It gave me the opportunity through discussion to believe that I could not manage my own life and that I had to come under new management. My insane way of thinking and living had to be gotten rid of and I had to be restored to sane living. I had to decide that I alone could not do any of this for if I could, I would have done so in the past after a multitude of times trying. I had to decide that I alone was not a Power greater than myself and that another Power, one greater than my self could not only restore me to a sane life but that in order for me to continue on this new way of life, I had to turn my life and will over to the care and direction of that Power. In order for me to continue I had to take inventory. I had to find that in myself which I had to get rid of which was causing me and those around me great harm. I had to find out what I had to keep. Once finding these defects which were causing certain behavioral problems and thinking, I had to ask my new manager to help me dispose of them. - etc.

It was, for me, really that simple. It was also very powerful in its simplicity. This pretty much is how Dr. Bob worked with others and it certainly worked with me.

If you were going on a trip that would take you deep into a hazardous jungle where your very own life would be at stake, what kind of guide would you hire. Would you hire one who has read a guide book but has never been there him or herself? Or, would you hire someone who certainly knows the way because they too have been there and gotten to the other side and lived? I know which my choice would be.

[1is2Many]

Originally Posted by yogurt75

I personally wouldn't recommend just picking any old warm body that stand up and says they are available to sponsor. The directions I was given stating that rarely have the founding members seen anyone not succeed if they thoroughly followed their path. The directions state that if you, as the person seeking recovery, want what we (those who have found recovery and are living it) have and that you are willing to go to any lengths to get what those who came before you had, you must take certain steps.

I would personally observe people at the meeting and not only listen to what they say from the podium, for anyone can talk the talk; but observe if they indeed walk the walk. Find someone who has what you want. Not just the amount of time they have but the type of recovery life you desire. It is that person you ask.

The way I was taken through the steps, pretty much the way it was done in AA's early days was to "qualify" or tell my story to my sponsor. This would allow him to get to know me and if indeed I had an honest desire to stop drinking. It would also allow me to understand the true nature of my powerlessness over alcohol and that indeed my life had become unmanageable. It gave me the opportunity through discussion to believe that I could not manage my own life and that I had to come under new management. My insane way of thinking and living had to be gotten rid of and I had to be restored to sane living. I had to decide that I alone could not do any of this for if I could, I would have done so in the past after a multitude of times trying. I had to decide that I alone was not a Power greater than myself and that another Power, one greater than my self could not only restore me to a sane life but that in order for me to continue on this new way of life, I had to turn my life and will over to the care and direction of that Power. In order for me to continue I had to take inventory. I had to find that in myself which I had to get rid of which was causing me and those around me great harm. I had to find out what I had to keep. Once finding these defects which were causing certain behavioral problems and thinking, I had to ask my new manager to help me dispose of them. - etc.

It was, for me, really that simple. It was also very powerful in its simplicity. This pretty much is how Dr. Bob worked with others and it certainly worked with me.

If you were going on a trip that would take you deep into a hazardous jungle where your very own life would be at stake, what kind of guide would you hire. Would you hire one who has read a guide book but has never been there him or herself? Or, would you hire someone who certainly knows the way because they too have been there and gotten to the other side and lived? I know which my choice would be.

Thanks for taking the time to give me some feedback.
I'm honestly not trying to be argumentitive, but.....I feel like I'm already in a hazardous jungle, and I'm afraid that Lion(booze) is gonna rip my ass off while I'm sitting back deciding whom to hire.

I have weather to bad episodes of cravings, barely. I'm afraid that next time the insane thought may win out.

Fact is, my wife is having my son in the next 7-14 days (will find out for sure Monday), I'm scared shitless, and am terrified of getting drunk again. I need to solidify my base ASAP.

thanks again for your advice. I understand and appreciate what you said.

[yogurt75]

You are right - solidify your base ASAP! Grab some folks, as many as you feel comfortable with, develop that Fellowship around you and let them know what is going on. You say: "Fact is, my wife is having my son..." Wouldn't you want your son to be born and see his sober father? Wouldn't that be the most wonderful birthday present you could give him?

While it is true that a sponsor would be of great help in the long run; the fact is, you need a support system to be there with and for you during this stressful time. Even with a sponsor, you need a support network to be there and for you to be there for them as well. Hang in...

[Signal30]

There's a fine line between cautiously finding a sponsor, and using that caution as an excuse for not having or getting one.

Self-reliance got us into trouble when we were drinking, and the same self-reliance can still get us in trouble when we are sober, sometimes to the point of drinking again.

Focus on your intentions, and honestly answer them. If and when in doubt, ask a member in the fellowship that has some quality time in the program. You'll find them easily.


Tom

[Music]

Originally Posted by 1is2Many

Thats what I would like in a sponsor.

I'm going to a 6pm meeting tonight(if 6 will ever get here!!), and maybe I'll get my courage up and bring up sponsorship as a topic.

My friend, the longer you're around AA, the more you'll realize that we're all in the same boat. That is to say, we're all here 'cause we ain't all there. You need to let your desires be known. WE'RE NOT MIND READERS!!!

[1is2Many]

Originally Posted by Music

My friend, the longer you're around AA, the more you'll realize that we're all in the same boat. That is to say, we're all here 'cause we ain't all there. You need to let your desires be known. WE'RE NOT MIND READERS!!!

I'm the least shy person you'd ever meet, but I'm scared to open my mouth at meetings. I'm afraid If someone leads with a "you ought to...", or gives me a lecture, I'm gonna come unglued. I know that sounds contridictory to what I've been saying but my mind and nerve's are fragile, and I feel like I'm holding on to my sanity by a thread.

Anyway, heading to a 11am Men's meeting.