My best thinking, kept me drinking.

[nandm]

Most of us have heard the statement "my best thinking kept me drinking." I find it an interesting statement. Knowledge of the disease of alcoholism couldn't keep me from picking up the first drink. Knowledge that trouble seemed to follow that first drink couldn't prevent me from picking up that drink. The shame, regret, and pain of things done the night before on a spree couldn't prevent me from picking up that drink. The miserable hangovers couldn't keep me from picking up another drink.


Many times it seemed the harder I tried to not drink the quicker I wound up drinking. Waking up with the hangover after a blackout, with dried puke on my pillow, in my hair, and on my face, not sure exactly what I did that night but knowing the bits and pieces I could remember were things I would rather not have remembered.

I would swear to myself "I have got to stop drinking, this is crazy. I am not going to drink today."

Then I would get up, choke a little food and coffee down. Lay around with a cold rag on my head, eat the tylenol to try and ease the headache, pray the room will stop spinning, all the while thinking there is no way I am drinking this evening.

Then as the day progressed I would start to feel better. A friend might call, or something was on tv, such as a football game and the mental conversation would start "wouldn't it be nice to just have a couple of drinks and watch the game?" "But you said you weren't going to drink tonight." "Yeh but, I just won't drink as much, I could just have a six pack, that would be okay." "wouldn't have to worry about a hangover tomorrow, or a blackout, or doing something stupid." "Football games and beer go hand and hand." "Ok, a little won't hurt."

Then get to the store and the conversation continues...."Hmm, it is more economical to buy a 12 pack than a 6 pack." "You know, if you just go ahead and buy the 30 pack you will have some left for later in the week." "hmm, if I am going to buy that 30 pack, I should go ahead and get two since they are on sale. Save a few dollars."

Then get home and the conversation only continues for a few seconds after the first few beers. "Well, since I have had 3, one more won't hurt." "Well, I have only had 5 so might as well make it an even six."

Then the conversation has ended as my brain has completely forgotten the misery of the night before, my life, and the morning.

So the insane cycle starts once again. A prime example of my best thinking kept me drinking.

The insanity for me only stopped when I came to the jumping off place of no longer being able to live drinking but having no idea how to live without drinking. It was a dark, lonely, and frightening place.

Today, I look back at those times when the thought even enters my head that just one would be okay. I know that just one always leads back to the insanity and the misery. For me that hasn't changed just because I have a few days of sobriety. How do I know this? I know it because I can look back at my 20 year history of drinking and see the process of the insane conversations that happen in my head when I start drinking. L

Life is tough enough some days without adding the insanity of drinking back into it. I am grateful that I can clearly remember the pain, frustration, humiliation, and feelings of failure that I experinced with my best thinking. I am grateful I have a program of action that has taught me how to think and act differently. Today I have choices. I don't have to let the insane conversation in my head start.

Do you remember the insanity?
Do you regret the past, or choose to remeber it as a warning of what can be if you choose to let up on your program?
Do you feel that deep seated gratitude for the new life you have been given by being relieved of the insanity?

[Rob B]

Fine description of insanity right there,I very much identify. like you, I'm sure glad there is something more than our old life of misery available.

[serenityqueen]

That is very powerful!

Looking back on the insanity, it's amazing that I am sane today.

It's a miracle that I'm alive.

Oh how I remember the logic that I too used. I wasn't a beer drinker. Hated the taste. When I set out on going to get a pint to "just have a few that evening," I too, would walk in and the "smart shopper" that I am, I convinced myself that I should buy a fifth instead. Made more sense. Cheaper too. Then, I would tell myself in order to save me another trip 'later in the week' I'd just go ahead and get an extra bottle. (Who was I kidding, later in the week? More like the next day)

I liked the questions you posed to those who read your thread.

In answer to the first one, oh,yes, I remember.

My answer to the second question is: I need to remember that that life is waiting for me, simply one drink away.

Question three: I have so much gratitude in my life that I feel tears well up in my eyes many times each day. Simple, beautiful gratitude. The sound of a child laughing, the smell of rain, laughing at myself when I drop the whole basket of clean laundry in the parking lot of the laundromat. I used to only have what I thought was gratitude for the extra money the cashier accidently gave me back or for getting past the cop without being stopped as I stumbled to the car.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

[bballdad]

Do you remember the insanity?
Yes I remember some of it,and because of that,I am very grateful today I am sane and sober.


Do you regret the past, or choose to remember it as a warning of what can be if you choose to let up on your program?

I do not regret it nor am I ashamed any longer of what I was and what I did,it is a very effective tool for helping others.An asset.Thats because of a Loving and Gracious God who turned my ugly life into something good.


Do you feel that deep seated gratitude for the new life you have been given by being relieved of the insanity?

you bet I do!I have been given so much because of AA and God,there`s no comparison.I try and put action into that Gratitude.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Powerful post Judith..you got the conversations in my head down pat!

Thanks.

[Tazman53]

Do you remember the insanity?

You bet, I remember having the same conversations in my head as you did for years, then when I wanted the insanity to stop, physically my body would not let me stop, I had lost the choice in whether I would drink or not, I had to drink.

Do you regret the past, or choose to remeber it as a warning of what can be if you choose to let up on your program?

I do regret many of the things I did in my past, but I have been forgiven of them, even by myself. Today I remember my past to aide in me not going back there and to help others to see that they no longer need to be slaves of thier past, that there is a solution.

Do you feel that deep seated gratitude for the new life you have been given by being relieved of the insanity?

That is an understatement, I really can not express my gratitude for so many things I have regained today that I had lost, self respect, pride (Healthy), humbleness, the ability to love and be loved, the respect and love of my family. The freedom from self and from alcohol, the ability to help others up from the gates of hell that I had entered.

Fantastic thread and certainely written by one who has been there and done that. And more importantly written by someone who found a way out from under the insanity.

[GlassPrisoner]

Remember that we deal with alcohol.......