What do you folks think?

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

I blogged about this last night, but I would appreciate some feedback.

So, my sponsor has been slightly flaky lately. Last week on our weekly phone call, she was all over the place, spent most of the time discussing her health. Then, at the last meeting I saw her at, she tried to give me another sponcee's handouts..I had to remind her that we're doing the Fifth Step this Saturday.

THEN..there's this retreat that she wants me to go to. It's a whole weekend away. I don't feel at all comfy going. First off, there's the money issue. Secondly, there's the car issue. AND there's my weekend with the kids issue. I don't feel in my heart (and I've prayed on it) that it's right for me to go.

I should mention, I"ve done all that has been suggested of me. I've never missed my homegroup meeting, cept once due to illness. I'm doing my work (ok, slowly, but I'm doing it), I'm showing up as they say...it's this one thing that would cause financial, emotional, and logistical problems to my family.

I have been trying to explain this to her. She keeps pushing me. Tomorrow night, at our weekly call, I will tell her in no uncertain terms that I will not be going. Supposed to be doing my Fifth this weekend..

[RufusACanal]

Sponsors are not parents. Guiding you through the Steps is the basis for Sponsorship, no more can be expected by either the Sponsor or the Sponsee. Make no mistake, this relationship is learning the AA Steps to a new life first. Your Sponsor is human and therefore just as prone as you to make mistakes. Like anything else in life, you must make decisions on your life's needed and if you truly do not have the money or the time for a retreat, then you do not have the resources. Hopefully your Sponsor has certain indications of your character and resources by now that no one on SR could ever equal. So any opinion given here will be flawed simply because of a lack of information.

You have completed a Fourth Step and you are aware of your defects and shortcomings. Supposedly, you have turned your will and your life over to a power greater than you in order to continue down the path of a new life. Make a decision; go or don't go. If made honestly and with good intent there will be no issue. Refocus on your continued learning, have patience, remember you do not have all of the answers, be forgiving and stop justifying your need to be right.

By the way, prayer is wonderful and necessary, but please do not use it as a cover for what you intend to do anyway. I have worked many Fifth Steps, why? For years I thought I had all of the answers, I did not. My "feelings" got in the way too many times. If this is as troublesome as you believe, then get your pen out and inventory this situation then share it with your Sponsor. Be upfront with your Sponsor and allow your Sponsor the opportunity to be human; you are not the center of the universe any longer. You have worked hard to get where you are, please do not allow your need to be right to get in the way of learning. Who is the student and who is the teacher was a lesson I had to learn over and over. Best with love to you.

[Cathy31]

Hi Merlot

I didn't quite get what exactly the problem was...handing you the wrong stuff!!! Off with her head! Just kidding! It's a blessing and a privilege to have a sponsor. They're not perfect. What iss the problem? Saying that you're not going to the retreat...well ok then...are you expecting push back?? I think just speak your trush and it will probably be fine...it's just really not clear what if at all any the problem is...?

Cathy31
x

[mike_mass]

I would avoid the retreat if it conflicts with your familiy obligations.

[Rob B]

Make the 5th step your priority, You deserve the freedom that comes with this. The book describes the 5th as a life or death errand, I am wondering if your current sponsor sees it this way. It is ok to find someone else to do the 5th with, prefferably a recovered alcoholic who has and continues to do the work as it is laid out in the Big Book, you've come far, don't let up on the action.

[miss communicat]

Originally Posted by RufusACanal

By the way, prayer is wonderful and necessary, but please do not use it as a cover for what you intend to do anyway.

For years I thought I had all of the answers, I did not.
.

it may or may not apply in this particular situation, (I don't know) but this is a very good point!

[CarolD]

Is the sticking point this?

You want to do your 5th with her this weekend
and she will be at a retreat ergo...not available?

Did I misunderstand Karen?

[Tazman53]

Sit her down and just tell her the truth, if you can't afford it you can not afford it!

Remind her when the 2 of you are doing your 5th.

Explain that you have limited family time, there is no reason that you can not keep your sobriety your top priority and still not miss time with the kids.

If you are doing your steps and not dragging your feet there are no problems.

[Music]

My second sponsor(18 years)got me going on retreats. I had all the same concerns about money and family. When I was drinking, I found a way to drink. Now that I'm getting sober, I need to find a way to do what it takes to get sober. It's possible to do your fifth step while on retreat. Maybe that's what your sponsor has in mind. I've done that myself. I have the feeling that your communication is a little lacking between yourself and your sponsor. As Rufus said, sponsors aren't parents, but more often than not, they know more about getting sober and staying sober than their pigeons know. So, try following directions and see where it takes you. It just might be God's will that you go on this retreat.

[nandm]

First I want to say how much I have see you growing through the changes in your posts over the past several months. That is awesome. From that I would tend to believe that your sponsor has provided you with some good guidance and that you have done the footwork.

Second, I reitterate what others have said, no sponsor is perfect, just as no sponsee is perfect. Take me for example. As a sponsee I am the "pain in the behind". I am the one that doesn't think to call my sponsor when I have major things going on in my life. That really frustrates my sponsor. But we both understand each other and accept that this is a learning process and it takes time and patience. What is key is I am sober today.

Third, I would speak with my sponsor about the reasons you feel the weekend is not feasible. Write them all down prior to talking to her so that your thoughts are organized. Then present them to her without allowing yourself to get frustrated, just be to the point. Part of growth in sobriety is learning to set boundaries. Sometimes that is a balancing act. Listen to what she has to say then decide what the right thing to do is. It may be maintaining your boundary and not going or it may be comprimising and going.

Take care and keep growing it has been great seeing it in you.

[Sheryl85]

Originally Posted by NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I don't feel in my heart (and I've prayed on it) that it's right for me to go.

I should mention, I"ve done all that has been suggested of me. ...it's this one thing that would cause financial, emotional, and logistical problems to my family.

I have been trying to explain this to her. She keeps pushing me. Tomorrow night, at our weekly call, I will tell her in no uncertain terms that I will not be going. Supposed to be doing my Fifth this weekend.

In my honest opinion, I think you’ve put a lot of thought into this situation and if it were me, I would stick to the plan you outlined above.

Today, part of our living amends to our family is that we do not cause still further “harm” (emotional, physical, or spiritual damage) and I can see where this weekend situation could cause both an emotional and financial hardship to your family. If your sponsor always intended to have you do your 5th Step at the retreat, she should have made that clear some time back so that you could have started making arrangements. Responsibilities are responsibilities and we are trying to meet life on life’s terms and every once in a while that includes important things like Child Care issues. This situation goes further than the mere cost of the retreat and transportation. (I don't know about you, but I think eating at the event would be nice, too!)

Let me say in your sponsor's defense, don’t be too hard on her because she vents on the phone now and then. Feel honored that she trusts you enough to do so. And as far as the lapse of memory goes…my dad has four daughters. Trust me when I say that there’s nothing wrong with his mind (yet), but there are days when he just goes down the list of names until he hits the right one…

As the Duke used to say, “Don’t go borrowing trouble.” I suggest you talk to your sponsor and see what happens once you let her know that you have to fulfill your responsibilities first, even at the expense of your wants…

Keep us updated on how it goes.

[Barto]

It looks like you have already decided; and I see that there is already good advice in these replies.

My thoughts are that if you are going to have this woman as your sponsor, then let her sponsor you. I’d tell her about your concerns, and then see what she says. (I hope she is a mother too.)

Maybe you are making the hassle of going bigger than it really is. I have often dreaded going to AA functions only to be super glad I did afterward. In fact, some of the best things that have happened to me through AA have happened in the most unexpected ways, and despite my best thinking.

[bballdad]

I used to take my kids with me on retreats when they were small,now that they are grown,they don`t want to go...

[RufusACanal]

Originally Posted by nandm

[color="Navy"]First I want to say how much I have see you growing through the changes in your posts over the past several months. That is awesome. COLOR]

I just wanted to echo Judith's post; you are doing wonderfully. Whatever you decide will work.


Ron

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

I always know where to turn to get some valid feedback..thank you everyone.

Couple things to clear up: my sponsor didn't forget when we're doing the Fifth, which is this Saturday. Retreat is a few weeks coming in April..

I'll talk with her tonight and we'll see how it goes!

Can't say that my alchie sensitivity didn't raise its head over a few things said, but, I asked, you gave, I'm taking it all in.

Thanks again!

[CarolD]

Ok....
Let's talk about the retreat.

All the retreats I am aware of have space
available to AA members who can not afford
the fee and desire to go.

These are donated by anonymous members
or AA groups. They are linited so best
to ask way in advance.
Ask your sponsor if this is possible for you.

About driving... usually people drive who have a van
and go that way. I have chipped in for gas
and sometimes I could not. I still rode...

About your kids...I don't know as I had grown
children when I got sober.

Just sharing with you from my experience.
If you miss this particular one...there will be others.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

All's well in my world...sponsor was good with me not going. I make things huge and then they turn out to be not-so-huge.

thanks again to all..

[Tazman53]

All's well in my world...sponsor was good with me not going. I make things huge and then they turn out to be not-so-huge.

I could have written the bolded part!!! LOL