Emotional Upheaval

[RufusACanal]

Emotional Upheaval
Years ago as a guest in one of those hospital supported Care Unit treatment centers I had so cunningly got myself admitted into, I vaguely remember a Substance Abuse Counselor with a nifty plastic name tag in front of a cheap chalkboard talking about the necessity to exercise caution at certain periods in recovery. If what little of my memory serves me correctly, there are particular times when the mind and body of the Alcoholic seemingly without regard to current events, jumps into hyperspace leaving the poor fool Alcoholic wondering which end is up. For example, I will be cruising along in life, no worries, people are wonderful and then BAM, everyone is a dyed in the wool *******, life sucks, there are catastrophes and conspiracies around every corner, my self esteem is **** and the walls are closing in. I know with every fiber of my being that this is the end of my exalted existence and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop the runaway train that is my life from smashing to bits at the next turn. Sounds like the plot of a seriously bad movie, but the emotional upheaval is so intense that I have a flicker of uncertain fear wondering if I will truly return to normalcy. If I had not stayed sober over these years, if I was not armored with certain facts about myself, if I did not have this firm foundation of a new life supported by something far greater than I, if I had not radically changed my thinking and behavior, I would have succumbed to this transformation again and again. How do I know this? All I have to do is look at my Fourth Step inventory where relapse reigned as king in my old life for so many years.

It might be really a short stretch to say I am suffering from several forms of mental illness and chalk up the erratic behavior and unhealthy abstract thinking to any number of congenital birth defects, if I was so inclined to continue looking for excuses. The truth is less horrific and much more plausible; I am an Alcoholic who has by his massive consumption of beverage Alcohol caused certain neurology damage that can be easily attributed to the manifestation of Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. So now I have a more understandable reason for this infrequent and most unruly emotional turmoil. Much like the dreaded Herpes Simplex virus, certain stressors, changes in the Moon’s phases and God knows what else, triggers this insane roller coaster of chaos commonly known as PAWS. Listed below are some of the more pronounced symptoms of PAWS.

1. Inability to think clearly
2. Memory problems
3. Emotional overreactions or numbness
4. Sleep disturbances
5. Physical coordination problems
6. Stress sensitivity


Looking back over the years is a miracle of grace for one such as I, yet in the looking, I can see where I failed to grasp the significance of these mental and physical symptoms and invariably paid the price for this ignorance through repeated binges and sprees; always it seemed that I needed to get sober and healthy long enough to drink once more. I want to write more on this, but have a meeting to attend.

Time for the Early Bird meeting!

[FightingIrish]

Learning about PAWS in rehab helped me greatly during these "emotional rollercoaster" moments. One of my counselors likened the phenomenon to a wound healing...when it's healing and the good stuff is happening, it itches like hell! The hardest thing to do is to stop from scratching it when you really really need to.

Same with not drinking during early recovery. I knew my brain was recovering from 20 years of daily pummeling from a strong depressant and that it would take time to heal and achieve some semblance of equilibrium. Although I came close to checking myself into the psych ward several times based on how I was feeling, I knew that drinking would only make it worse and take me backwards in my recovery.

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by RufusACanal

Emotional Upheaval
Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. So now I have a more understandable reason for this infrequent and most unruly emotional turmoil. Much like the dreaded Herpes Simplex virus, certain stressors, changes in the Moon’s phases and God knows what else, triggers this insane roller coaster of chaos commonly known as PAWS. Listed below are some of the more pronounced symptoms of PAWS.

1. Inability to think clearly
2. Memory problems
3. Emotional overreactions or numbness
4. Sleep disturbances



Looking back over the years is a miracle of grace for one such as I, yet in the looking, I can see where I failed to grasp the significance of these mental and physical symptoms and invariably paid the price for this ignorance through repeated binges and sprees; always it seemed that I needed to get sober and healthy long enough to drink once more. I want to write more on this, but have a meeting to attend.

Time for the Early Bird meeting!

Hell, I dunno. Seems I'm suffering from some of these symptoms right now, never had a real problem. When things are going smoothly, however......It isn't like I ever really needed an excuse to drink/use, any would do. Like it says in the big book, the first major challenge for recovering AA's was the outbreak of WWII, lo and behold, the recovering AA's had no more problems dealing with the extreme stress of combat than the general population.

[Barto]

Originally Posted by sailorjohn

... Like it says in the big book, the first major challenge for recovering AA's was the outbreak of WWII ...

Do you happen to know what page(s) this is on?

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by Barto

Do you happen to know what page(s) this is on?

Not sure, but I have one of those memories, it is definitely in one of the introduction chapters. If you think about it, would be natural that we are more comfortable handling a crisis than anything else, we spent our addiction careers lurching from crisis to crisis. Handling life when it's going well is something we're not used to, and is bound to make us feel uncomfortable.

[Barto]

If you find it, let me know. I’d like to read it.

[RufusACanal]

sailorjohn, thanks. I do not really have any problems that God can't handle and frankly the more I think of it, PAWS is acute and I am almost five years sober, plus I am enamored with my own writing. Sometimes I just need to use a good emotional enema to get the day going. Appreciate your responses.

[caraway]

Good to hear you're feeling better Rufus. Sometimes its just good to talk!

[Sheryl85]

The passage that Sailor John was referring to is in the 12 & 12 on page 38 in Step Three. I knew that passage had to be there somewhere as well and then it dawned on me, the BB was written before WWII... (Duh, and I keep telling everyone that my blonde hair is just for looks.)

Happy reading Barto.

[Aa_vark]

Originally Posted by Barto

Do you happen to know what page(s) this is on?

its in the 12x12. the chapter on step 3. page 38

edit - oops, didnt see sheryl85's reply... sorry for being redundant.

Originally Posted by RufusACanal

I can see where I failed to grasp the significance of these mental and physical symptoms and invariably paid the price for this ignorance through repeated binges and sprees; always it seemed that I needed to get sober and healthy long enough to drink once more.

that nails unmanagibility for me personally.

thanks ron

[RufusACanal]

Appreciate you my friend. Father Joe Martin uses a formula in his movie ChalkTalk that is the best indicator of emotional stability I know.

I
-
E Intelligence over Emotion, gives me the opportunity to choose more wisely.

E
_
I Emotion over Intelligence, sends me immediately from chaos to chaos

[sugErspun]

My experience with PAWS.

In December of 2000 I was cornered by my family after I had missed Christmas dinner because I was not feeling well - after a drawn out fight, I agreed to go into 'treatment' - I was driven to a detox and given a private room and some meds to taper off of alcohol (I had been drinking very heavily for a couple of weeks). I spent 8 days in that luxory - watching tv, eating decent food and reading a lot of books. There was an AA meeting that came in, the nurse said I might want to check it out - so I went. I don't remember much of that meeting, but they did have a book raffle of some sort that I didn't win (there were maybe 4 of us in the entire detox - 2 were heroin detoxes (methadone) and I don't recall what the other was. The AA meeting had 30-40 people though. That was 12/31/00.

I really wanted that book - I had run out of things to read and had never read it. I approached their literature guy and asked him if I could have one. He told me I needed $7 to get one. I very calmly (I was being administered valium and phenobarbitol, so I was pretty calm) explained to him that my wallet and all my money had been taken away when I checked in, less likely that I run out in the middle of the night and catch a cab or something - I guess it is protocol. He gave me a 3rd edition hardcover and told me to put $7 in the basket next time I went to a meeting (this is getting way off course)


Anyway - I read the entire book in 24 hours, I thought it was interesting.

After 8 days, they let me out and I went back to my healthcare provider at the time and they enrolled me in outpatient treatment - HERE they taught me about PAWS - scientific study of what happens to people who stop drinking alcohol.

They told me I would hit the wall at 9 months. 9 MONTHS!!! - I was 10 days sober and sobriety was not looking attractive.

I hung around for 27 days and on the 28th day I had checked myself into 2 hotels (so no one could track me down) and stocked up on liqour and got about my business of drinking, there was nothing fun or pleasurable about it. On the second day I called my aunt (she had been sober over 10 years {AA} at the time...and told her something was different - I could not stop even though I wanted to. I checked into an inpatient program the next morning, stayed sober on fear for 22 months.

PAWS? - my opinion, my experience - worthless information.
7 years later, an AA member simply explained - life isn't going to get better overnight - this is a lifetime of growth. Made sense, the impending doom of PAWS was rendered powerless. I need not know the scientific definition of what is going on with me when I go from being a heavy daily drinker, to not drinking at all - it isn't going to be easy, but it doesn't need to be miserable either.

I learned how to be useful by turning my will and life over to something I don't understand, cleaned up the wreckage of my past, cleared away that which was blocking me.

I have been sober just over a year, no PAWS symptoms at all.

anyhow - tks for letting me ramble.

~a

[Emimily]

Rufus - Emotional Enema would be a great band name.

That's all I got.

[GlassPrisoner]

there are particular times when the mind and body of the Alcoholic seemingly without regard to current events, jumps into hyperspace leaving the poor fool Alcoholic wondering which end is up.

In other words (paraphrased) "There are times when the alcoholic has no mental defense against the first drink..."

I've expereinced all of those PAWS symptoms at one time or another. But to tell the truth, since I've completed my steps and continued to work my program to the best of my ability, they are few and far between.